Hired a Lawyer/what to expect

Old 11-20-2009, 09:35 PM
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Hired a Lawyer/what to expect

Hi,
I love coming here at the end of the day.It can be so helpful.I recently hired a lawyer at least to get my husband into court. I know I have read that for the most part division of property etc is for the most part 50/50. My AH was asked to leave over 6 months ago, not telling us (myself and 3 children) where he is living. It used to bother me but I don't care anymore. We have been married 23 years and for the most part I thought we were happy. Then the drinking started and escalated, it was too toxic for myself and more importantly the kids he not live with us anymore. He has not come to terms with his alcoholism and has gotten progressively worse. We are ruined financially, I feel because of his alcoholism. Over the past year or so my parents have given me over 30,000 to help keep up with mortgage etc. We have a substantial amount of equity in our home,which he has told me repeatedly he doesnt care about the house anymore he doesnt live here. This man use to be a loving Dad, but alcoholism has destroyed his love for his family. He has given us a total of maybe two thousand dollars since he left. In the past five weeks, a grand total of 130.00. My My youngest child went from being an above average student to a struggling student who was pulled out of the classroom on a daily basis, as they thought she may have some kind of learning disability. I disagreed but respected the teachers opinion as her motives were well intentioned.I felt it may have been anxiety etc. In 2008 when my ah behavior began to escalate, my youngest daughter tested on the staate scores as needing improvement. This past June after my husband had been out of the home for two months she scored in the advanced range. This has eaten away at me and I am trying to forgive myself for letting it go on so long. But so happy she is thriving in school. He has driven them while intoxicated, been publicly drunk at sons baseball game and even threatened the coach. I could go on.
A few months ago he lost his job, which was inevitable.He worked at a college, and the greatest benefit he had was free tuition for my oldest daughter who is now at college. I will now have to figure out a way to pay for it. Will a judge take into consideration all these matters when awarding support, division of assets etc? He states he has no money, but he does have over 60,000 in stock which he refuses to sell to help support us. I have been working much more steadily since he has left the home, because I dont have the fear of leaving the kids with him. (work afternoons and nights)I will be starting a new job in a few weeks. I do not feel he deserves half of our home , much less anything else. Does anybody know if a judge will take all this into consideration? I am so worried he will make my children move from their home, its not fair to them, they have been through enough. I would appreciate any feedback.
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Old 11-20-2009, 09:43 PM
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addendum

I dont think I mentioned that last year right before Christmas my son called the police he had our older daughter in a chokehold and was out of control. He was arrested and spent the night in jail. I did bail him out the next day, and have regretted it ever since.Another thing I am trying to forgive myself for.
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Old 11-20-2009, 09:47 PM
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What did your lawyer say?
Document everything...tell the lawyer what you have told us here and tell the lawyer what you want. Include documentation of the problems with your daughter in school as related to the events in the family. And the loss of job and tuition.
I do know that your husband cannot withold assets and not count them...
The courts are supposed to put what is in the best interest of the children first.
But you will have to give them the information to do that and state and request what you believe is best for them.
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Old 11-20-2009, 09:49 PM
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Make very sure that gets included!!!
That isn't alcoholism, that is ABUSE!
The courts are cracking down on deadbeat parents....so, give them all the ammo you have.
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Old 11-20-2009, 10:00 PM
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Thanks so much for your feedback, I can't tell you how much it means. I consulted with a few lawyers, one I wasnt crazy about, stated that the judge could order my husband to get a job. I honestly cannot even remember what my lawyer told me specifically, I was crying too much. But I was there for over an hour and a half and told her everything. At least I hope I did She listened intently and didnt give me any specifics, but did feel his actions will hurt him.. She wants to get him into court asap and so dont I. Its funny when that one lawyer told me a judge would order him to get a job I told my husband and he thought it was ridiculous. Then again he thinks Im the crazy one. I know for a fact he hasnt even applied for one job.
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Old 11-20-2009, 10:34 PM
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I am so sorry for your pain, it is so understandable.

Do you attend al-anon or see a counselor? Is your daughter old enough to attend ala-teen?
A divorce will solve some things, but the emotional devastation of all you have been through can be eased with help. I hope if you are not getting that, you will consider it.

If your husband did that to your daughter, did he also abuse you??
I find that very frightening!

I suspect your attorney knows that since you were distraught that you probably won't remember much. I suggest you make another appointment and go prepared. Write down everything you need her to know and every question you have. Or take a tape recorder if she will allow that.

You will need to gather your strength and fight for your rights.

If he did abuse you, please see a domestic violence counselor. Domestic violence centers can also arrange for someone to go with you when you go to court and help prepare you for it.

I am sorry that you are going through this, but life is so much better on the other side...you will come out free of this nightmare and be able to build and lead the life you want and deserve....for both you and your children.

(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))
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Old 11-20-2009, 10:39 PM
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I re-read your thread. Yes, he can be ordered to get a job...but that's not really worth much. What is worth something is that he can be ordered to sell his stock. It sounds like you need that, so ask for it and back it up with the numbers...from the past and future needs, such as tuition and etc, parental loans etc.
You don't need to protect him or cover for him anymore...your kids deserve all the help that is theirs and so do you.
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Old 11-21-2009, 06:56 AM
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I had a similar situation with my AH (now my XAH). So, I can tell you a bit what to expect — from my experience. My divorce took TWO years!

A bit of history... we were married for 27 years. His drinking wasn't always a problem. It started out many years ago, and slowly built into a major problem in our lives. It sneaks in - especially in my case... my AH didn't drink in front of me, it was always hidden. In earlier years, when the first bump in the road indicated a problem, I gave him a choice "treatment or divorce" - he chose treatment. 30 day inpatient. After that he was sober for 2 years or so (never sure about that as he was a hider) and two subsequent treatment stints over the next 20 years. He was a salesman, and traveled during the week - a good opportunity to drink as much as he liked where I wouldn't find out.

He ran up credit card after credit card... said they were for his lodging and meals on the road. The company reimbursed him, but somehow the funds never really reached the repayment purpose. Many times his paycheck just wasn't there... and we started to fall behind with everything. A financial mess. At the time of his last treatment we filed for bankruptcy, and had a fresh start. At this point I was ready to bail. He went out and purchased a new truck, at a high interest rate - and the bills began to mount again.

The last couple years of our marriage brought a job loss, and he began to drink more. Still secretive... I'd find bottles hidden all over. He denied it of course, said they were from a "long time ago" - typical excuse. One day, he had an accident - and broke his leg in many places. That was "it" for me. I could see the handwriting on the wall!

He was also verbally abusive, both to me and our sons. So much so, it was a scary atmosphere at home. Eggshells magnified! The verbal abuse turned into physical as well, and I filed for a restraining order. He was jobless, and now homeless. I filed for divorce a week later.

The process took two years. I had a good attorney. He moved away, and got help from a family member, got a meager job. He had his wages garnished for child support (meager job = meager child support). I had a mess to clean up. Bills upon bills.

I live in a 50/50 state, and that is the way it panned out... in spite of his shortfalls, mistakes, broken promises... the court looked at it in "black and white" - he walked away with half of everything. Very unjust, but I had to accept it and move on. The freedom I have now is worth a million. How someone can ruin a family, both emotionally and financially and walk away with a lifetime of assets is beyond me.. but there is justice from a higher source and that will come to pass I am sure. On the other hand, he made his choice (alcohol over his family) and now he has no family.

I will say it is good to document everything you have on him. It helps a lot. When the law says 50/50, that is what it means... including HIS stocks, retirement, EVERYTHING... debts, physical assets... it's all split 50/50. Your lawyer will fight for you, and if he or she doesn't - get a new lawyer!

Above all, let go and let God set your path. I've had so many miracles happen to me over the course of these two hard years... it's amazing. I give thanks every day.

Best of luck to you!
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