Lawyer today - got the ball rolling on OP and Divorce
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Lawyer today - got the ball rolling on OP and Divorce
Well, I saw the lawyer today. This was after I codie-relapsed again and tried emailing him one last time trying for a kind word. Instead I got blasted about all the same sh&&, with no kind word whatsoever. Then he emailed me saying that he's staying in the house which he previously stated in no uncertain terms that he was going to leave; leaving me, the house, the state... doesn't like Missouri, was only here because of me, etc, quack, blah. Now he's staying in the house just to get back at me.
So, I told the lawyer to hit him with all we've got. She wrote the OP which I'll take to the county court on Monday. Either they'll issue the temporary OP then, and a sheriff will take it to the house and serve it and tell him to get out. Or, it'll go to trial in about 3 weeks, they'll grant it, and serve him and sheriff will tell him to get out. Or they won't grant it, and we'll go through the divorce and do all the dividing up stuff with the house and everything else. Worst case; we'd have to split or sell the house. Not the best ending, but it would be okay.
So what really got to me was leaving the lawyer and crying my fool eyes out because it sucks that it's had to come to this. It wasn't supposed to be this way. I was SO in love with him, and hoped for wonderful things for the rest of our lives. I'm hurt, angry, broken hearted. Cried half the way home. Called Liveweyered so I wouldn't call him and tell him I hate that he's created all this crap with his drinking and insanity, and why can't he just be the person I thought I married?
And... this is good... That I called her instead of calling him. When I still had a shred of hope, I would have called him, or even gone to see him. But there is no hope, and he's a creep/jerk/bad-words-that-I-can't-type-here. And perhaps I'm healing just a little bit and making the right choices on who to call. Thanks LIVE ANGEL!
Sigh... got that off my chest, but reserve the right to whine more.
(((SR Family)))
So, I told the lawyer to hit him with all we've got. She wrote the OP which I'll take to the county court on Monday. Either they'll issue the temporary OP then, and a sheriff will take it to the house and serve it and tell him to get out. Or, it'll go to trial in about 3 weeks, they'll grant it, and serve him and sheriff will tell him to get out. Or they won't grant it, and we'll go through the divorce and do all the dividing up stuff with the house and everything else. Worst case; we'd have to split or sell the house. Not the best ending, but it would be okay.
So what really got to me was leaving the lawyer and crying my fool eyes out because it sucks that it's had to come to this. It wasn't supposed to be this way. I was SO in love with him, and hoped for wonderful things for the rest of our lives. I'm hurt, angry, broken hearted. Cried half the way home. Called Liveweyered so I wouldn't call him and tell him I hate that he's created all this crap with his drinking and insanity, and why can't he just be the person I thought I married?
And... this is good... That I called her instead of calling him. When I still had a shred of hope, I would have called him, or even gone to see him. But there is no hope, and he's a creep/jerk/bad-words-that-I-can't-type-here. And perhaps I'm healing just a little bit and making the right choices on who to call. Thanks LIVE ANGEL!
Sigh... got that off my chest, but reserve the right to whine more.
(((SR Family)))
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
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I know what you are feeling. It is a very hard thing to do. Hard to make the decision to take that step, and very hard to carry it through to the end. OK to cry... you have a right.
I will tell you that there is light at the end of the nightmare you are in right now. It does get better. Take care of yourself... mentally and physically - you've got some rough road ahead. Things like property division is painful too, along with the reality of a relationship being over. Surround yourself with friends. The holidays are coming, and it is important that you have people around you that care about you.
I wish I could send you a dose of my leftover strength. I still have some left it seems!
Good luck, and remember: Hard times don't come to stay... they come to pass.
I will tell you that there is light at the end of the nightmare you are in right now. It does get better. Take care of yourself... mentally and physically - you've got some rough road ahead. Things like property division is painful too, along with the reality of a relationship being over. Surround yourself with friends. The holidays are coming, and it is important that you have people around you that care about you.
I wish I could send you a dose of my leftover strength. I still have some left it seems!
Good luck, and remember: Hard times don't come to stay... they come to pass.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by isurvived 
remember: Hard times don't come to stay... they come to pass.
I like that! Thanks for sharing.
(((tigger)))
That was a big step today. You go ahead and grieve. You have tried to keep that relationship together. Give yourself a hug and know that we care about you.
Only stepping forward
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 330
Originally Posted by tigger11
When I still had a shred of hope, I would have called him, or even gone to see him. But there is no hope, and he's a creep/jerk/bad-words-that-I-can't-type-here.
Because last time I still had a small shred of hope. This time there isn't any.
Thanks for posting that......it really helped me tonight.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Ah, love...all I did was talk about furbies!
I am just asking you to remember that if you do communicate with him that may screw up getting the PO and make it take even longer and more difficult for you to be able to go home to your home.
I read the correspondence you sent and that is just you making a good effort to resolve practical matters about the mail and such.
But it still hurts you to hear from him.
And, can you drop the apellation "angel"...you are going to ruin my reputation! LMAO
lots of hugs, Tigger.
I am just asking you to remember that if you do communicate with him that may screw up getting the PO and make it take even longer and more difficult for you to be able to go home to your home.
I read the correspondence you sent and that is just you making a good effort to resolve practical matters about the mail and such.
But it still hurts you to hear from him.
And, can you drop the apellation "angel"...you are going to ruin my reputation! LMAO
lots of hugs, Tigger.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
You let those feelings wash over you and be patient with yourself as they ebb back out. There were days that I wanted to just be held and told it's all going to be okay.
I've learned over time to soothe myself and bring myself back to peace when I feel pangs of grief and frustration.
Along with all the struggle, there will be feelings of pride and self fullfillment too. You will look back at all you've done to make yourself safe and all you continue to accomplish that you never thought you could and you will feel a strength I bet you haven't felt in what feels like forever. Don't dismiss those feelings either. Reward yourself or mark the moment in some way. The good feelings are just as important to acknowledge as the sad ones.
Hang in there!
Alice
I've learned over time to soothe myself and bring myself back to peace when I feel pangs of grief and frustration.
Along with all the struggle, there will be feelings of pride and self fullfillment too. You will look back at all you've done to make yourself safe and all you continue to accomplish that you never thought you could and you will feel a strength I bet you haven't felt in what feels like forever. Don't dismiss those feelings either. Reward yourself or mark the moment in some way. The good feelings are just as important to acknowledge as the sad ones.
Hang in there!
Alice
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Went to AlAnon this morning. Faux Pas'd a little by going on and on about my situation instead of staying on topic, and didn't realize that there may be people there that my story would bring back bad memories for. They asked me to stop and talk to my sponsor later. I was embarrassed, but not insulted. Bunches of people talked to me afterwards and gave me reassurance. AlAnon people are great!
Live Angel (ha... said it again), when I called her last night was talking about travel, and various countries. It not only got my mind off the visit with the lawyer, and bad AH thoughts, but later it prompted thoughts of... HEY... when this is all over, I can go anywhere (if there's $'s and a job of course). I can visit anywhere, live anywhere... I'm about to be FREE! Nobody to answer to, or run things by, or to control me, or anything! Woo Hoo!
Live Angel (ha... said it again), when I called her last night was talking about travel, and various countries. It not only got my mind off the visit with the lawyer, and bad AH thoughts, but later it prompted thoughts of... HEY... when this is all over, I can go anywhere (if there's $'s and a job of course). I can visit anywhere, live anywhere... I'm about to be FREE! Nobody to answer to, or run things by, or to control me, or anything! Woo Hoo!
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
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Awesome, Tigger!
I so vividly remember the exact moment...after I had moved from Indiana to Florida to get away from that abusive XABF...when I was walking down the sidewalk (I had been there at least 6 weeks!)..and it just washed over me that OMG, no one knows me here! I am anonymous, I am free!!!!!!! I think I got a little bit younger right then and there!!!
Oh, I so much loved my freedom and doing things my way, any way I wanted, when, where, how and with whom...that I didn't remarry for 13 after first divorce. I did have that relationship with the aforementioned bad case of love, but I still retained my own place. I only lived with him for 6 months one time.
With David...I still make my own plans. A friend called me a while back and asked if I would go with her to a convention and stay the night at the hotel and I said sure! I don't "ask". Neither does he. Most things we do, we do together...but that is because we choose to. I joke alot that I am a bachelorette living with a bachelor! By that I mean we haven't given up our ways that developed in single life because that is the way we like things and who we are.
Anyway, where exotic are you going? Because it gives me someplace to visit and a free place to sleep! LOL
love! and hugs!
live
I so vividly remember the exact moment...after I had moved from Indiana to Florida to get away from that abusive XABF...when I was walking down the sidewalk (I had been there at least 6 weeks!)..and it just washed over me that OMG, no one knows me here! I am anonymous, I am free!!!!!!! I think I got a little bit younger right then and there!!!
Oh, I so much loved my freedom and doing things my way, any way I wanted, when, where, how and with whom...that I didn't remarry for 13 after first divorce. I did have that relationship with the aforementioned bad case of love, but I still retained my own place. I only lived with him for 6 months one time.
With David...I still make my own plans. A friend called me a while back and asked if I would go with her to a convention and stay the night at the hotel and I said sure! I don't "ask". Neither does he. Most things we do, we do together...but that is because we choose to. I joke alot that I am a bachelorette living with a bachelor! By that I mean we haven't given up our ways that developed in single life because that is the way we like things and who we are.
Anyway, where exotic are you going? Because it gives me someplace to visit and a free place to sleep! LOL
love! and hugs!
live
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England, Andorra (friend there), Argentina (somebody I know and love just suggested that one), Australia, maybe Germany if my son goes, Hong Kong (friend there), New Mexico, Maine, Switzerland (skiing)... oh heck... anywhere at all!
its a half an inch of water
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Tulsa, OK
Posts: 43
Thinking recovery...
from: Lawyer today - got the ball rolling on OP and Divorce
"Well, I saw the lawyer today....Now he's staying in the house just to get back at me....So, I told the lawyer to hit him with all we've got."
Perhaps its off-topic or unfair of me to focus on the the first part of your message. The actions there remind me of my difficult divorce and challenges to recovery.
It was confusing for me to balance letting go while subject to the power of the court & all the legal BS. Hurt feelings & fear led to retaliation and a prolonged divorce for my ex & I - benefiting no one but our lawyers.
Hope you keep the goal of getting free & recovery first.
"Well, I saw the lawyer today....Now he's staying in the house just to get back at me....So, I told the lawyer to hit him with all we've got."
Perhaps its off-topic or unfair of me to focus on the the first part of your message. The actions there remind me of my difficult divorce and challenges to recovery.
It was confusing for me to balance letting go while subject to the power of the court & all the legal BS. Hurt feelings & fear led to retaliation and a prolonged divorce for my ex & I - benefiting no one but our lawyers.
Hope you keep the goal of getting free & recovery first.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Originally Posted by brother
from: Lawyer today - got the ball rolling on OP and Divorce
"Well, I saw the lawyer today....Now he's staying in the house just to get back at me....So, I told the lawyer to hit him with all we've got."
Perhaps its off-topic or unfair of me to focus on the the first part of your message. The actions there remind me of my difficult divorce and challenges to recovery.
It was confusing for me to balance letting go while subject to the power of the court & all the legal BS. Hurt feelings & fear led to retaliation and a prolonged divorce for my ex & I - benefiting no one but our lawyers.
Hope you keep the goal of getting free & recovery first.
"Well, I saw the lawyer today....Now he's staying in the house just to get back at me....So, I told the lawyer to hit him with all we've got."
Perhaps its off-topic or unfair of me to focus on the the first part of your message. The actions there remind me of my difficult divorce and challenges to recovery.
It was confusing for me to balance letting go while subject to the power of the court & all the legal BS. Hurt feelings & fear led to retaliation and a prolonged divorce for my ex & I - benefiting no one but our lawyers.
Hope you keep the goal of getting free & recovery first.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by brother
Perhaps its off-topic or unfair of me to focus on the the first part of your message. The actions there remind me of my difficult divorce and challenges to recovery.
I'm sorry that you had a difficult divorce that presented challenges to your personal recovery. Rehashing past events during my divorce made my spiritual recovery challenging. However, I needed to keep pushing for my rights during the process to protect myself from an active alcoholic.
Did you take the time to read tigger's history with her active alcoholic, abusive husband prior to your post?
Did you take the time to read the following sticky post from our moderators?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ng-abused.html
Please remember that in the Friends and Family Forum, members like tigger are recovering from life with active alcoholism. They are trying to recover from a life that became unmanageable because of people like you and I.
Hi, I'm known as Pelican and I'm a recovering alcoholic. I am also a recovering codependent of an alcoholic ex-spouse.
tigger,
I will help you hold the bat when you hit him with everything you got!
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Hi Brother - thank you for your suggestion. I appreciate everyone's constructive input, and yours was given with sincerity. Welcome to SR Family/Friends. It's a great place to be.
Pel, I'm going to take you up on that bat holding thing... from an SR standpoint. Thank you! You give me such encouragement.
Thanks Still. One of these days I want more than 1 sentence from you.
Pel, I'm going to take you up on that bat holding thing... from an SR standpoint. Thank you! You give me such encouragement.
Thanks Still. One of these days I want more than 1 sentence from you.
its a half an inch of water
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Tulsa, OK
Posts: 43
I stand by my comment about keeping perspective and putting recovery first. In no way does that suggest giving up legal rights in a divorce proceeding; PO's included (an abusive situation has its own important aspects; I respect this).
During my divorce, my ex & I were both in early recovery and emotionally fragile. Despite our initially amicable separation, we retreated to warring camps. It was hard for us to accept the other's legal rights when reacting out of anger/fear. We live in a state with "no-fault divorce" laws, looking back, we spent way too much time/money in vain legal actions to "prove the other wrong" - instead of getting on with our lives separately, in recovery.
This thread has positive suggestions to support recovery; e.g. focusing on what is to be gained after divorce, rather than what may be lost.
As for me, anything I put before my recovery suffers somehow.
(BTW my ex didn't own a bat...If I'm due some lumps, I'll try to keep an open mind...)
During my divorce, my ex & I were both in early recovery and emotionally fragile. Despite our initially amicable separation, we retreated to warring camps. It was hard for us to accept the other's legal rights when reacting out of anger/fear. We live in a state with "no-fault divorce" laws, looking back, we spent way too much time/money in vain legal actions to "prove the other wrong" - instead of getting on with our lives separately, in recovery.
This thread has positive suggestions to support recovery; e.g. focusing on what is to be gained after divorce, rather than what may be lost.
As for me, anything I put before my recovery suffers somehow.
(BTW my ex didn't own a bat...If I'm due some lumps, I'll try to keep an open mind...)
Last edited by brother; 11-23-2009 at 09:24 AM.
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I am sorry you had that experience, Brother.
I haven't heard Tigger express anything vengeful or even think about doing anything to retaliate.
I am concerned that she will give up too much of her rights simply in order to be free of this situation.
Now, I do have every reason to believe that her STXAH will engage in any destructive behavior or manuever to keep her from moving on with her life and is making things as difficult as possible.
I have read his communications to her...and he has not kept his word on one single thing..not one thing! and is trying his best to hurt her in any way he can.
I have also read her communications, they are simple, respectful and to the point, trying to resolve things so that they can both move on.
i am butting in here...because I have read the emails that do not appear on the forums.
And I do not want my friend, Tigger, to feel any guilt about the things she has done or is doing simply to protect herself.
It is my personal belief that she should ask for more than she is, but it is her life, and her call. I worry that she is going to get stuck with his debt, when he can well afford it while she cannot.
Tigger, love, keep your eyes on the prize! This situation now is temporary!
I haven't heard Tigger express anything vengeful or even think about doing anything to retaliate.
I am concerned that she will give up too much of her rights simply in order to be free of this situation.
Now, I do have every reason to believe that her STXAH will engage in any destructive behavior or manuever to keep her from moving on with her life and is making things as difficult as possible.
I have read his communications to her...and he has not kept his word on one single thing..not one thing! and is trying his best to hurt her in any way he can.
I have also read her communications, they are simple, respectful and to the point, trying to resolve things so that they can both move on.
i am butting in here...because I have read the emails that do not appear on the forums.
And I do not want my friend, Tigger, to feel any guilt about the things she has done or is doing simply to protect herself.
It is my personal belief that she should ask for more than she is, but it is her life, and her call. I worry that she is going to get stuck with his debt, when he can well afford it while she cannot.
Tigger, love, keep your eyes on the prize! This situation now is temporary!
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My Dear, supportive friend - thank you!
I made the mistake in my first marriage of not asking for anything, and ended up paying child support to a lazy, drunken, shiftless bum who didn't even know how to look for a job. I'm still paying 5 years later, and will be until my 16 year old son is through college.
I have asked the lawyer to hit STBXAH with all we've got. I'm not sure what more I can do.
The good news is, as far as I can tell, emotionally I'm done with him. Pardon me for being blunt, but he is a monster! He's sick and manipulative and selfish and lazy and more angry than I've ever known anyone to be, he's dirty, unkempt and stinky. He's just gross and awful. I loved who I thought he was, not who he actually is. I made a big mistake!
My job going forward is to work on me, get healthy, learn how to be happy alone. I've got a long road ahead. Thanks to him for helping me hit my own bottom and getting started on moving ahead in the right direction. Finally. At age 50.
Hugs!
Tigg
I made the mistake in my first marriage of not asking for anything, and ended up paying child support to a lazy, drunken, shiftless bum who didn't even know how to look for a job. I'm still paying 5 years later, and will be until my 16 year old son is through college.
I have asked the lawyer to hit STBXAH with all we've got. I'm not sure what more I can do.
The good news is, as far as I can tell, emotionally I'm done with him. Pardon me for being blunt, but he is a monster! He's sick and manipulative and selfish and lazy and more angry than I've ever known anyone to be, he's dirty, unkempt and stinky. He's just gross and awful. I loved who I thought he was, not who he actually is. I made a big mistake!
My job going forward is to work on me, get healthy, learn how to be happy alone. I've got a long road ahead. Thanks to him for helping me hit my own bottom and getting started on moving ahead in the right direction. Finally. At age 50.
Hugs!
Tigg
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