AH remembering childhood abuse
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
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AH remembering childhood abuse
This happened yesterday. it was heartwrenching, yet I"m SO clear that it's not my job to help him.
He was angry with my MIL who has thrown out his father because (she confidentially disclosed to me) she found years worth of cheating and porn. Some teen porn. I told him he's lucky if his father never tells him the real reason why she threw him out and from that he guessed why. Then he called me sobbing about an hour later saying both his parents were sicko's and why didn't he see this before?
In fact, he acknowledged that one of the reasons he's remembering these horrible things is because I have "left him emotionally" and he no longer has me to focus on and take the brunt of his BS.
So now he's faced with himself. And the truth about his childhood. Their perfect family --on the outside--was not. I've known that since I met him 14 years ago.
I did stay on the phone with him while he cried and told me the memories. I too suffer from childhood sexual abuse and so I know what those are like. Validated him, told him that he's not making up the memories, that they;re real. They are ugly too. Both parents were in appropriate. Not surprising to me. It all fits perfectly into why his family is so jacked up and actually helped me understand wtf is wrong with his family. The disconnect.
I didn't recommend he find counceling, just listened horrified and told him I was sorry. I 'm glad to have done it. Now it's his job how he deals with it. He sees his alcoholism in a different light, but I do not expect at all for him to seek treatment. I don't expect anything, except for him to continue to be jeckyl and hyde, continue to drink and spiral downward.
I"m also grateful for this information because my children will never be alone with that man --FIL. Never.
To be honest, considering the abuse we've both endured, my AH and I do remarkably well. Yes, his drinking has damaged the kids, as has my PTSD, but we have clear sexual boundaries (ugh) where as we were both sexually abused. We love our children and have broken some of the chains of the cycle at least.
Just praying for AH today, putting him in HP hands where he belongs..grateful grateful for another day clothed in human skin..
He was angry with my MIL who has thrown out his father because (she confidentially disclosed to me) she found years worth of cheating and porn. Some teen porn. I told him he's lucky if his father never tells him the real reason why she threw him out and from that he guessed why. Then he called me sobbing about an hour later saying both his parents were sicko's and why didn't he see this before?
In fact, he acknowledged that one of the reasons he's remembering these horrible things is because I have "left him emotionally" and he no longer has me to focus on and take the brunt of his BS.
So now he's faced with himself. And the truth about his childhood. Their perfect family --on the outside--was not. I've known that since I met him 14 years ago.
I did stay on the phone with him while he cried and told me the memories. I too suffer from childhood sexual abuse and so I know what those are like. Validated him, told him that he's not making up the memories, that they;re real. They are ugly too. Both parents were in appropriate. Not surprising to me. It all fits perfectly into why his family is so jacked up and actually helped me understand wtf is wrong with his family. The disconnect.
I didn't recommend he find counceling, just listened horrified and told him I was sorry. I 'm glad to have done it. Now it's his job how he deals with it. He sees his alcoholism in a different light, but I do not expect at all for him to seek treatment. I don't expect anything, except for him to continue to be jeckyl and hyde, continue to drink and spiral downward.
I"m also grateful for this information because my children will never be alone with that man --FIL. Never.
To be honest, considering the abuse we've both endured, my AH and I do remarkably well. Yes, his drinking has damaged the kids, as has my PTSD, but we have clear sexual boundaries (ugh) where as we were both sexually abused. We love our children and have broken some of the chains of the cycle at least.
Just praying for AH today, putting him in HP hands where he belongs..grateful grateful for another day clothed in human skin..
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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I also need to add:
Since two weekends ago, when I was triggering with PTSD from his affair, he has taken extra steps to attempt to reassure me in various ways.
yes, he's still an A, and I am not having magical thinking. Or denial. But this feels different. Since leaving for a conference for a week (which helps dramatically with detachment I highly recommend it) I feel I can acknowledge both his positive and negative attributes, but without expectation.
You can't have expectation of an active A, well, unless its' inconsistency, blameshifting, denial and crazy making just when you think you've got it figured out.
but I just realized he has been considerate and checks in with me to see how I"m doing.
Even when I was triggering, he was trying to help but you can't rationalize with an hysterical person.
I prefer this. I like seeing him as a human instead of a monster or alternatly a savior who can fix everything. And i see myself as on my own as well, responsible for myself and my choices, bills, fixing the car, everything. AND, most importantly, I see him as seperate from me, responsible for his own actions, life and path.
Oh, I love it when I'm here. LOVE detachment with compassion...
Since two weekends ago, when I was triggering with PTSD from his affair, he has taken extra steps to attempt to reassure me in various ways.
yes, he's still an A, and I am not having magical thinking. Or denial. But this feels different. Since leaving for a conference for a week (which helps dramatically with detachment I highly recommend it) I feel I can acknowledge both his positive and negative attributes, but without expectation.
You can't have expectation of an active A, well, unless its' inconsistency, blameshifting, denial and crazy making just when you think you've got it figured out.
but I just realized he has been considerate and checks in with me to see how I"m doing.
Even when I was triggering, he was trying to help but you can't rationalize with an hysterical person.
I prefer this. I like seeing him as a human instead of a monster or alternatly a savior who can fix everything. And i see myself as on my own as well, responsible for myself and my choices, bills, fixing the car, everything. AND, most importantly, I see him as seperate from me, responsible for his own actions, life and path.
Oh, I love it when I'm here. LOVE detachment with compassion...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
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that's a slippery slope you're walking, transform.
the only person who can help him is another alcoholic.
did listening to his problems for 14 years help?
why are you doing so now?
what are you hoping to accomplish?
it's a bottomless pitt, my friend.
do you think that any one of us had an easy time in our childhood? we are adults now. so is he.
as an adult, he has a choice to reach out for help. you can not give him that help.
he will drown you too if you try. you know that already. those are your words.
careful now,
naive
the only person who can help him is another alcoholic.
did listening to his problems for 14 years help?
why are you doing so now?
what are you hoping to accomplish?
it's a bottomless pitt, my friend.
do you think that any one of us had an easy time in our childhood? we are adults now. so is he.
as an adult, he has a choice to reach out for help. you can not give him that help.
he will drown you too if you try. you know that already. those are your words.
careful now,
naive
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
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IMHO, the experienced fisherman has pulled out a bigger hook to reel in his catch.
When you get tired of being drug onto the deck of his boat called "Alcoholic Drama", you'll find yourself at the helm of your own personal watercraft called "Serenity".
It's your life, chart your own course!
When you get tired of being drug onto the deck of his boat called "Alcoholic Drama", you'll find yourself at the helm of your own personal watercraft called "Serenity".
It's your life, chart your own course!
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
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Well I should have expected this. but it really makes me mad.
I"m not trying to help him. I can't and don't want to. I thought I was clear about that. I"m glad I have this information about my FIL, he will never be alone with my children.
And I did listen to his drama for 14 years, trying to help and control him. That's not what I"m doing now. Didn't you read what I wrote or did you just see what you wanted?
And this is not alcoholic drama. It's a first time suppressed memory of abuse, which I respect.
This:
Is condescending as usual from you Pelican.
Or is it? It's hard for me to tell right now.
I"m not trying to help him. I can't and don't want to. I thought I was clear about that. I"m glad I have this information about my FIL, he will never be alone with my children.
And I did listen to his drama for 14 years, trying to help and control him. That's not what I"m doing now. Didn't you read what I wrote or did you just see what you wanted?
And this is not alcoholic drama. It's a first time suppressed memory of abuse, which I respect.
This:
When you get tired of being drug onto the deck of his boat called "Alcoholic Drama", you'll find yourself at the helm of your own personal watercraft called "Serenity".
It's your life, chart your own course!
It's your life, chart your own course!
Is condescending as usual from you Pelican.
Or is it? It's hard for me to tell right now.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: east siiiide
Posts: 254
Hi t-form. My AH brought out this information to me recently as well. I know it's not BS because it was talked about ONCE way back when we had just started getting close. I also know he confronted his mother about it over the phone on Monday, and made a point to tell me he did.
I also understand the way childhood sexual abuse can affect ones life, and how delicate of a situation it is. I think it was appropriate for you to tell him you were sorry and not direct him to treatment. In my opinion you handled it correctly. If he wants to do something about it, that's up to him, just as it's up to you or me or anyone to grow beyond our lingering issues from childhood.
I do find that the few people I confided in about my AH talking about his childhood experiences with his mother immediately reacted with doubt and suspicion, saying he must have been making it up (in other circumstances I might agree, but like I said I do believe this one), and saying it shouldn't make someone into a jerk.
I know what I went through makes me into a sexually unavailable partner many times, and I do try to deal with that but I'm not the perfect partner because of that. I also understand that a lot of issues can arise from someone who has gone through something like this, resulting in an avoidance of facing reality, etc. It adds up a lot of times.
But yes, just be careful--admission does not indicate willingness to change. And in the end that's where it counts.
Just wanted to say I understand.
I also understand the way childhood sexual abuse can affect ones life, and how delicate of a situation it is. I think it was appropriate for you to tell him you were sorry and not direct him to treatment. In my opinion you handled it correctly. If he wants to do something about it, that's up to him, just as it's up to you or me or anyone to grow beyond our lingering issues from childhood.
I do find that the few people I confided in about my AH talking about his childhood experiences with his mother immediately reacted with doubt and suspicion, saying he must have been making it up (in other circumstances I might agree, but like I said I do believe this one), and saying it shouldn't make someone into a jerk.
I know what I went through makes me into a sexually unavailable partner many times, and I do try to deal with that but I'm not the perfect partner because of that. I also understand that a lot of issues can arise from someone who has gone through something like this, resulting in an avoidance of facing reality, etc. It adds up a lot of times.
But yes, just be careful--admission does not indicate willingness to change. And in the end that's where it counts.
Just wanted to say I understand.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
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Originally Posted by transformyself 
Since two weekends ago, when I was triggering with PTSD from his affair, he has taken extra steps to attempt to reassure me in various ways.
yes, he's still an A, and I am not having magical thinking. Or denial. But this feels different. Since leaving for a conference for a week (which helps dramatically with detachment I highly recommend it) I feel I can acknowledge both his positive and negative attributes, but without expectation.
..
Your recent detachment was healthy for you. I can't speak for Naive, just myself, when I share my concern that this another hook. Your most effective attempts at detachment have been your most recent. Past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior. Your past behavior indicates that you will get drawn into his drama again if you are not careful.
The following link if from our stickies. It addresses hooks such as sympathy, helplessness and need to be needed: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
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My AH told me things about his childhood that turned out to be totally delusional, in an attempt to give his behavior justification.
Frankly - I don't believe anything a non recovering alcoholic tells me.
Frankly - I don't believe anything a non recovering alcoholic tells me.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: east siiiide
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Fair enough, I know alcoholics can run the gamut and come up with plenty of reasons to gain sympathy. I do not know the case for any of you.
I do know for mine though, because I did the codie no-no of reading chat logs, as I read the conversations between my AH and his mother as he confronted her.
Like I said, I'd be much more suspicious if I didn't have prior conversations from before we were very serious, the conversations I read and the way he talks of it...
However it is a serious issue, just like the disease of alcoholism, and it is something no one deserves to go through. I don't see the problem with being compassionate as long as you are still able to detach from the outcome..
I do know for mine though, because I did the codie no-no of reading chat logs, as I read the conversations between my AH and his mother as he confronted her.
Like I said, I'd be much more suspicious if I didn't have prior conversations from before we were very serious, the conversations I read and the way he talks of it...
However it is a serious issue, just like the disease of alcoholism, and it is something no one deserves to go through. I don't see the problem with being compassionate as long as you are still able to detach from the outcome..
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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dear transform-
first, let me apologize is what i wrote offended you. i mean that. it was not my intent.
as you probably know, only the first step of AA addresses alcohol. the other 11 steps address other things. the steps must be done in order.
why? in my opinion, without addressing the alcohol first, in total surrender to one's powerlessness, the other eleven steps can not be successful.
whilst we all want our alcoholic to heal, to become the man we know they can be, it is futile to address the other emotional damage while alcohol is still in the picture.
in my opinion, there is a very real danger in being their sounding board, as long as they are still drinking. why? because, as you yourself said, women by their very nature are nuturers.
in being his sounding board, even though you simply sit silently and let him speak, we get sucked back in because we care about them. we are not indifferent to their pain.
i heard you when you said you made no recommendations, no plea for counseling.
i heard you when you said it helped you find compassion for him, rather than anger.
it just feels dangerous for you to be the one he calls when he is exploring these types of things. i don't think it's really possible or healthy even for him to do so while drinking, because all of those newly surfaced, previously suppressed memories will cause him pain. and what does an alcoholic do with emotional pain? they hit the drink.
it's a vicious circle, as you know yourself.
again, please accept my apology if my comments were out of line. i just had warning flags go off. it's so easy to get entangled again.
naive
first, let me apologize is what i wrote offended you. i mean that. it was not my intent.
as you probably know, only the first step of AA addresses alcohol. the other 11 steps address other things. the steps must be done in order.
why? in my opinion, without addressing the alcohol first, in total surrender to one's powerlessness, the other eleven steps can not be successful.
whilst we all want our alcoholic to heal, to become the man we know they can be, it is futile to address the other emotional damage while alcohol is still in the picture.
in my opinion, there is a very real danger in being their sounding board, as long as they are still drinking. why? because, as you yourself said, women by their very nature are nuturers.
in being his sounding board, even though you simply sit silently and let him speak, we get sucked back in because we care about them. we are not indifferent to their pain.
i heard you when you said you made no recommendations, no plea for counseling.
i heard you when you said it helped you find compassion for him, rather than anger.
it just feels dangerous for you to be the one he calls when he is exploring these types of things. i don't think it's really possible or healthy even for him to do so while drinking, because all of those newly surfaced, previously suppressed memories will cause him pain. and what does an alcoholic do with emotional pain? they hit the drink.
it's a vicious circle, as you know yourself.
again, please accept my apology if my comments were out of line. i just had warning flags go off. it's so easy to get entangled again.
naive
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Trans, please don't be offended by anything people on SR say. Anything SR folks say is said in love and with the full intent of being of service to you. May I humbly suggest that you reread the posts that you saw as people not paying attention to your words, and see that they may very well be reading something that they could have written themselves at some point in their lives? I believe they're pointing out things, based on what you said, that you may not have seen yourself. Open your heart, dear one. These people love you.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
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Naive, you make a very good point about the steps needing to be done in order. It makes a lot of sense that unearthing deep rooted problems while actively drinking is opening a can of worms with nowhere to go.
Thanks!
Thanks!
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Join Date: Nov 2007
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My XAH also told me he was sexually abused as a child once he realized I was serious about ending the 18 year marriage. At that time he also started wearing his wedding ring, which had been in a drawer for 10 years and which I had given up asking him to wear, and he said he would finally get aroung to doing something I had wanted to do for the entire length of the marriage.
He was manipulating me. He never mentioned the SA issue again, after that either.
He was manipulating me. He never mentioned the SA issue again, after that either.
I Love Who I Am
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Thanks Naive--I understand completly and apologize for being so bitchy. I just thought I was being really clear about my detachment. Doesn't anyone else relate to this? I"ve been here many times. It's true that it usually collapses into a PTSD episode, which you good people have helped me through. But I don't want to entangle with him, and am not.
I feel listening to him and essentially helping him through that initial memory was the right thing to do. What he does about it from here on out is his choice. He called this morning (usually does this as I drive the kids to school to say good morning to them) and said he was embarrassed by the whole thing, asked me to never tell anyone what he disclosed. I said OK, not a problem and handed the kids the phone. Believe it or not, he's not a monster, just a guy in pain. He helped me through plenty of my childhood issues, and I'm grateful to be able to be there for him.
I know this. And am being extra careful to maintain emotional detachment. I"m having dinner with my 24 year old son tonight, going to a meeting with him to help him sort out the rules for being a medical marijuana patient. I"m working on several articles, happy happy to do what I love for a living. And going to my cousins wiht my sister tomorrow. They will cook. I will eat and interview both of them for my book. Life, MY LIFE, is good..
And truly, I know his path is his. Not mine. In fact, I'm very immersed in my own life today, and like I said am grateful for it. And I also know when he's working me, which he's not. And I know he's also not sober, not going to get sober or find help for his new found reality. He'll continue to work as hard as he can without getting help. I know him and now thanks to you folks I know alcoholism. Well, from this perspective at least.
More importantly, again, I know myself and am focused on my life, not his. I have to process all of this information because I too have a relationship with not only his father, but his siblings and nieces and nephews. I'll sit on it, pray, wait and not act.
Thank you for the warnings. Be assured I am guarding myself, being careful and detaching.
But I hold true to what I said. This is my favorite, and I belive healthiest place to be. Detachment with compassion. I've detached with sadness and anger. This is most effective, most clear.
Now, back to work! All a ya!! Geez what are we? A bunch of hippies hangin out all day?
Oh, that reminds me, I have to tell you what I realized at this conference.
I dont' have to accept the first or third guy that throws himself at me. All though that's nice.
And the most effective advocates and community organizers don't have children!
I feel listening to him and essentially helping him through that initial memory was the right thing to do. What he does about it from here on out is his choice. He called this morning (usually does this as I drive the kids to school to say good morning to them) and said he was embarrassed by the whole thing, asked me to never tell anyone what he disclosed. I said OK, not a problem and handed the kids the phone. Believe it or not, he's not a monster, just a guy in pain. He helped me through plenty of my childhood issues, and I'm grateful to be able to be there for him.
Your past behavior indicates that you will get drawn into his drama again if you are not careful.
And truly, I know his path is his. Not mine. In fact, I'm very immersed in my own life today, and like I said am grateful for it. And I also know when he's working me, which he's not. And I know he's also not sober, not going to get sober or find help for his new found reality. He'll continue to work as hard as he can without getting help. I know him and now thanks to you folks I know alcoholism. Well, from this perspective at least.
More importantly, again, I know myself and am focused on my life, not his. I have to process all of this information because I too have a relationship with not only his father, but his siblings and nieces and nephews. I'll sit on it, pray, wait and not act.
Thank you for the warnings. Be assured I am guarding myself, being careful and detaching.
But I hold true to what I said. This is my favorite, and I belive healthiest place to be. Detachment with compassion. I've detached with sadness and anger. This is most effective, most clear.
Now, back to work! All a ya!! Geez what are we? A bunch of hippies hangin out all day?
Oh, that reminds me, I have to tell you what I realized at this conference.
I dont' have to accept the first or third guy that throws himself at me. All though that's nice.
And the most effective advocates and community organizers don't have children!
A jug fills drop by drop
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Hi transform!
I also believe in compassion, however for me when xabf cried his heart out, I ALWAYS felt for him and thought "poor him, he's had it tough" then on I went listening to his verbal abuse and BS.
Many of us remember similar instances, where we though we got closer as human beings with our loved one... where we thought we could heal together... just to have the rug pulled under us for the Nth time, feel like fools and hurt once more.
To have any sort of contact besides what I can't avoid is just flirting with hell. At least, for me, the guy I was with was an EXPERT manipulator. Just when I felt dettached, that we were ok, JUST when I felt safe... Hyde took over. It was madness.
But I hear you, as long as you keep living your life and see the actions, not only hear the words.. I know you will take the best decisions for yourself.
Hugs!!
I also believe in compassion, however for me when xabf cried his heart out, I ALWAYS felt for him and thought "poor him, he's had it tough" then on I went listening to his verbal abuse and BS.
Many of us remember similar instances, where we though we got closer as human beings with our loved one... where we thought we could heal together... just to have the rug pulled under us for the Nth time, feel like fools and hurt once more.
To have any sort of contact besides what I can't avoid is just flirting with hell. At least, for me, the guy I was with was an EXPERT manipulator. Just when I felt dettached, that we were ok, JUST when I felt safe... Hyde took over. It was madness.
But I hear you, as long as you keep living your life and see the actions, not only hear the words.. I know you will take the best decisions for yourself.
Hugs!!
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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Thanks TC
I'm not deluded by this incident of his. He's not capable of growing, healing or being supportive. Just aint...
Many of us remember similar instances, where we though we got closer as human beings with our loved one... where we thought we could heal together... just to have the rug pulled under us for the Nth time, feel like fools and hurt once more.
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Hi Transform!
I just wanted to chime in and join the crew saying, "this happened to me, too." And it wasn't that he was lying, or that he isn't a person, but it was, in retrospect, 100% manipulation. I mean, he chose to "only" tell his ex about some recovered memory thing? C'mon. So inappropriate.
But it, to some extent, worked on me. I didn't get back together with him, but I softened. I saw it as a turning point. Something significant.
It wasn't.
I'd like to point out that I reacted a lot like you, as well. All of the people who love me, for reals, were like "who gives a f***, stop talking to him." and I was like "oh whatever, I know this isn't my problem, I'm not involved."
But of course I was, and of course it just made things more painful for me for longer, and really, actually was useless. But, I had to do it in my own time.
So good luck to you! And know that we all understand, and just want to support you.
I just wanted to chime in and join the crew saying, "this happened to me, too." And it wasn't that he was lying, or that he isn't a person, but it was, in retrospect, 100% manipulation. I mean, he chose to "only" tell his ex about some recovered memory thing? C'mon. So inappropriate.
But it, to some extent, worked on me. I didn't get back together with him, but I softened. I saw it as a turning point. Something significant.
It wasn't.
I'd like to point out that I reacted a lot like you, as well. All of the people who love me, for reals, were like "who gives a f***, stop talking to him." and I was like "oh whatever, I know this isn't my problem, I'm not involved."
But of course I was, and of course it just made things more painful for me for longer, and really, actually was useless. But, I had to do it in my own time.
So good luck to you! And know that we all understand, and just want to support you.
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
Ditto...my exah does this to me all the time. He will relive certain things that are traumatic, want my advice and support with his other kids, and make me believe I am the only one he can talk to. I call BS!
My guess Transform, is that he felt you pulling away and not needing him anymore. He had to pull out all the cards to find some sympathy out of you. Its like we figure in our kids...they will find negative attention if they need to get attention.
I fall for this alot. Its a constant on your toes game. I can see it worked on you too. Your entire post softened when it came to him. I am not judging at all. I fall for it all the time too.
My guess Transform, is that he felt you pulling away and not needing him anymore. He had to pull out all the cards to find some sympathy out of you. Its like we figure in our kids...they will find negative attention if they need to get attention.
I fall for this alot. Its a constant on your toes game. I can see it worked on you too. Your entire post softened when it came to him. I am not judging at all. I fall for it all the time too.
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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Wow, okay, well I'll just say this once more then get the hell out of here.
YOu guys are not listening to me and it's really pissing me off. It's offensive.
My AH has NEVER brought this stuff up.
I know he's not trying to manipulate me.
Even if he is, it's not working. I have a life outside of those words I posted and am seriously regretting it now.
You guys can keep projecting but it has so little to do wtih me,
this is not a turning point.
this is not me changing my mind of "softening" and settting myself up for more madness from this guy. I know what he can do. I know who he is.
this is not him coming to his senses,
this is not me rescuing him or getting sucked in.
this also isn't maniuplation. You must think I"m stupid and can't tell the difference. It's incredibly offensive.
This was the wrong place for me to post this, as none of you are capable of actually hearing me. You're all projecting your problems, your issues. And yes, almost 100% of the time, that is what has given me sanity--seeing the pattern in alcholism and the dynamics born of it.
But you're not ******* listening to me. This is not about my codependance or yours or him manipulating. This is a human being remembering sexual abuse. I know our patterns, I know he's a sick man. Jesus, I'm not going to repeat myself, defend myself any more.
This is, (was rather as it happened yesterday and I have moved on, unlike this thread) a matter of a real live person, this sick man, remembering for the first time being sexually abused by his parents. I"m 100% confident in my interactions with him and glad to have been there when it happened, primarily because I started the whole thing by telling him why his MIL threw my FIL out of the house. Now it's his choice how to deal with it, which will be ... more drinking!
Whatever. I'm so pissed about this. You guys dont' need me here to do this anymore, you're just going off on your own, projecting and not listening to me.
YOu guys are not listening to me and it's really pissing me off. It's offensive.
My AH has NEVER brought this stuff up.
I know he's not trying to manipulate me.
Even if he is, it's not working. I have a life outside of those words I posted and am seriously regretting it now.
You guys can keep projecting but it has so little to do wtih me,
this is not a turning point.
this is not me changing my mind of "softening" and settting myself up for more madness from this guy. I know what he can do. I know who he is.
this is not him coming to his senses,
this is not me rescuing him or getting sucked in.
this also isn't maniuplation. You must think I"m stupid and can't tell the difference. It's incredibly offensive.
This was the wrong place for me to post this, as none of you are capable of actually hearing me. You're all projecting your problems, your issues. And yes, almost 100% of the time, that is what has given me sanity--seeing the pattern in alcholism and the dynamics born of it.
But you're not ******* listening to me. This is not about my codependance or yours or him manipulating. This is a human being remembering sexual abuse. I know our patterns, I know he's a sick man. Jesus, I'm not going to repeat myself, defend myself any more.
This is, (was rather as it happened yesterday and I have moved on, unlike this thread) a matter of a real live person, this sick man, remembering for the first time being sexually abused by his parents. I"m 100% confident in my interactions with him and glad to have been there when it happened, primarily because I started the whole thing by telling him why his MIL threw my FIL out of the house. Now it's his choice how to deal with it, which will be ... more drinking!
Whatever. I'm so pissed about this. You guys dont' need me here to do this anymore, you're just going off on your own, projecting and not listening to me.
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