nodaybut2day

I received a text message late last night from XH stating the following:

"Considering your recent actions, I no longer trust you to be around K (stepson). His mother and I agree on this. Should you contact him in any way, we will take legal action."

I'm beyond sad. I know this is a ploy, a hurtful tactic to get to me because I didn't give him what he wanted, but it still hurts. I do in fact have no legal rights to my stepson and if his father wants to cut me out of his life, I can't stop it.

I guess I didn't expect this to come so soon.

I'm at a loss as to what to do next...write to the mother?

transformyself

I would pray for him, the step son. A lot. And let go. But that's without knowing your circumstances..

Sorry, I know it's hard.

naive

why don't you try no contact except through your lawyer?

i wouldn't write to the mother. you're plate is full already. your stepson is your daughter's half-brother. it is unlikely that you will never see him again, once things are settled.

he's just being mean. i wouldn't read his texts anymore.

transformyself

Great advice!

JenT1968

I'm so sorry, that must hurt a great deal, (hugs)

kv816

I think you do have a legal right to the child because you were married to the father. I remember it happened to a friend of my mom's and my sister is going through it now. My mom's friend and her AH were married for 10 years or so, she raised this boy since before kindergarten. They split up, because of his drinking, and he tried the same thing. But she asked her attorney about it and she ended up getting legal visitation to the boy because once she married his father she too became legal guardian of him. My sister's divorce was dragged on because her H wanted custody of her son (from a previous relationship). But they were dating when my nephew was born and married a couple years later and divorced when he turned 6. He fought for visitation rights because he wanted to keep him and his daughter (nephew's 1/2 sister) together. He won, gets nephew same as he gets his own daughter.

If you REALLY want to stay in touch with your step son, I'd talk to an attorney about it and find out what your options are in your state. It's worth it.

But I agree that this is a ploy just to hurt you as much as possible. As hard as it is, don't let it get to you. What's meant to be will be. It's just a matter of waiting for it.

Pelican

You don't have to do anything today.

Give it time, more will be revealed.

(((hugs)))

atalose

I like pelican’s approach….you don’t have to do anything today. Think about it all, weight all your options and allow the flood of your emotions to calm before acting in any one direction.

Keep in mind the mother of his child is an ex for a reason!! She may not even know the two of you are splitting up and that her child will solely be alone with him. Or she may know and doesn’t care…….not real sure what the story is there.

And as naïve suggested, ignore him and his text messages and work through attorneys for any communication you need to have with him.

Think all your options all the way through, try not to act on emotions…..give yourself time and thought before taking any actions on anything right now.

Startingover2

I would just stay quiet for awhile. Stepson is something that your ex can take away and hurt you with. You have no idea what the exwife was being told either.

When things calm down a bit then maybe approach it a bit.

The kneejerk reactions of an alcoholic are amazing. They want others to hurt just as much as they are.

kv816

You don't even know that the ex wife was told ANYTHING. I can't even count how many "he said, she said" conversations xabf told me happened that never really did.

It's one thing for anyone to withhold "things" from someone out of spite or to hurt them (such as sex). But it's another thing to withhold a child that you have devoted your love, time and attention to. He knows you love that boy and you'd obviously bend over backwards for him. So he's gotta hit you where he knows it'll hurt. Tell you anything and everything he possibly can to get you to do what he wants (which in this case is go back to him).

Maybe he is telling the truth that he talked to his ex wife. But I think it's more likely that he's just quacking.

Stay strong!!!

Adragonfly

Not trying to hijack the post...but is this a typical alcohlic thing?

My AH is Terrible and does this sort of thing ALL the time.

Everything from Phone calls, Birthday presents...and especially Sex!

Guess I never much thought of other guys doing it too....

honoryourself

I think it is common.. for me, mine knew I enjoyed being sociable and making plans. He'd make plans and then drink / fight and tell me at the last minute there was no way he was going, and frequently it would be a couples thing or whatever. At first I would get so torn up I'd do him FAVORS or apologize for anything even if I did nothing wrong, because I felt so stupid not showing up to something we had plans to. He used it to his advantage to get sex/apologies/etc.. Eventually I stopped making plans all together because I couldn't handle the drama that ensued. Then I got al-anon and realized I was being really dumb about the whole thing. Now I make plans that don't include him. Take that. He wonders why I'm so busy all the time and I'm never home with him. I guess he got used to me needing him... You can usually take the power away from them, but with a son... I have no idea what you can do there. I'm sorry to hear about this, but I do agree, one day at a time. Alcoholics seem so volatile, if this is just an attempt to hurt you, it could pass as quickly as it came. I don't think they like to LOOK like monsters, so maybe he'll change his mind in 20 minutes or 20 days.

nodaybut2day

honoryourself...I agree about the volatility of alcoholics. I have spent the last few birthdays (of mine) walking on thin ice, trying to keep XH happy while I hosted a party with my family, whom he hates. The same can be said of holidays or any special events. XH's trump card is always: "if I don't like it, I'll leave and ruin everyone's time in the process."

As for what biomom has been told, I know a few details. I wrote to her myself a few weeks ago when I left XH officially, telling her that I was planning on staying in touch with my stepson and that I loved him dearly. Her response was short but to the point: she knows I love her son dearly and hopes I can continue being in his life. As for whether or not she's actually on board with kicking me out of my stepson's life, that's up for debate. XH makes it all up as he goes along, and I'm certain that he'll revile me to his son endlessly to ensure his loyalty.

I'm taking your wise advice Pelican and letting things go today. I'm accepting that this is a situation I cannot control, nor can I control what my stepson will think of me once his dad is done with him. I am trying to sit with these emotions and accept that I am grieving the loss of a relationship. It may be too soon to call it "gone", but I'm still so sad.

Honestly, I'm sadder today than when I realized that my marriage was truly over.

honoryourself

noday--because the A's are so volatile and looking for a reaction, I think a good policy is GENERALLY to let it go, for today or a couple days.. and do something about it later if they actually follow through, etc. I know I have been poked for reactions before by my A claiming he was gonig to do something or already did something that he actually never had any intention of doing.

Maybe yours is really going to do this, maybe not... but I'd say good call letting it go for today. He might just be trying to get you to react, or think maybe you'll go crawling back if it means you'll see your stepson again. Odds of him following througH? well.. what are the odds of an A following through on anything, for that matter...

kv816

I don't know that it's a typical strictly alcoholic thing but I think it's pretty common. It's a ploy for the one who's not getting what he/she wants to get what they want. I hear my kids do it too.....well if you won't give me this than I won't do that! It's the all too common "what do I get out of the deal" kind of thing. It seems like a bargaining chip anymore and, as we're all aware, the happiness of an alcoholic is all about bargaining. That's my opinion and my experience with xabf anyway.

honoryourself

"what do I get out of the deal"

wow, that just reminded me of so many things... like when I bought a car and it came with a free GPS and my AH complained so much because it wasn't fair for it to be mine, even though he'd just gotten a car recently too. He basically took it from me for the first month claiming he needed it because he didn't know his way around. I couldn't even have my own free toy!

Whenever I've tried to talk to him about something I want, he claims he needs something too. It's like a me-too gimme gimme sort of thing, even though he takes what he wants all the time. God forbid I want something and he not ask for something at least as expensive as a consolation prize.

When we try to talk about our relationship, I might ask that he helps out with the dishes or something, and his immediate response is to find something that he can ask for. As if we were anywhere near fair to begin with..

Live

I wonder how old the stepson is?
The biomom said clearly that she hoped you would be a part of stepson's life.
That seems clear enough.
There is an XABF, whom I became very close with his daughter and she me....
her mom and I have agreed that if we want to do something together we don't go thro' Dad, we can communicate directly and do things and Dad has nothing at all to do with it.
Yes, he did try to control it and make it seem like it had to go through him and etc.
But it was total BS.

This guy just keeps trying to hurt you ...one thing after another...like an automatic weapon...rat-a-tat-tat.
I would consider it reasonable self-defense to not engage with him at all!

nodaybut2day

Live...my stepson is now a very mature 12, so I hope that someday, he is able to tell his father to suck a lemon and get back in touch with me. I don't know how to leave the door open for him except keep my cell phone in working order. He also has my home number.