grrl77

I'm sitting here at work, and I'm doing well, right? I feel like so far, this week's gone good. It really helps that I'm not in constant every-day contact with my exahbf, but I have this pang of "holy crap, I really miss him," all of a sudden.

Let me rephrase: I miss the guy that I used to know.

Sometimes I have a hard time controlling thoughts like, "I wonder if he ever thinks about me the way I still think about him sometimes?" Or maybe, "Why does he blame he and I's incompatibilities on the downfall of our relationship?"

How can a guy, who's pretty smart, who knows he's got a problem, who freely admits he's an alcoholic, actually tell this amazing woman (i.e. me) that the reason we ended things was because of our "incompatibilities"? He comes as far as admitting he's got a problem with booze, and then can't even really admit the reason he broke up w/ me is because he didn't want to quit drinking in two weeks, like he'd promised himself and me? It pisses me off, and it's just so unfair. You know the crap he talks about is how toxic we both are for eachother, how we fight all the time - does he not see the reasons we fight are solely based around his drinking? I was around him for a week in the woods, with him stone cold sober, going through DTs. We never argued once, heh. When he's drunk, though, he likes to pick fights. He's looking for an argument to catch me hook, line, and sinker. I wonder if he does that because he wants to push me away?

** So I just re-read what I type and I'm mad that I even care. :\ Meh. **

JenT1968

well he's right in a way isn't he?

he's a self admitted alcoholic who wants to continue to drink, and you didn't want to be in a relationship with a drinking alcoholic: pretty incompatible!

it might be a more palatable version of the truth for him, but we all percieve our truths in any situation, coloured by our own needs and baggage.

Does it matter? You can't control what he thinks the reason was, and it's fairly unrealistic to expect that he will acknowledge your truth and agree with it (people ending a relationship rarely experience the same events and the end the same way).

It's human to care, but try not to waste too much time on analysing his motivations and beliefs. What he thinks and says doesn't change the reality of your relationship as experienced by you, nor does it impact your present and future.

instead of speculating about his motives, perhaps try and work out what you hope to gain by trying to understand his motives in picking fights, breaking promises etc. Even if it were possible to know (rather than guess) what good would that do you? perhaps there is a way of getting whatever you think this would achieve from looking at yourslef and your own needs and wants and behaviour?.

kv816

Wow...I've had the same thoughts today. I've found myself wondering the same things...is he thinking about me like I am him, does it hurt him like it is me, is he far away from his phone like I am mine? I've wondered.

Your xabf sounds just like mine....yes I'm an alcoholic but I'll only drink every weekend, just come home.

I'm trying to think about anything and everything I can.....even the reasons I'm NOT talking to him anymore. It's keeping me away. But it's making me realize I have a lot more resentment towards him then I originally thought I did.

Ugh. Everyone says it gets easier. I'm hoping they are right. I'm waiting for that to be true.

grrl77

Hey KV...

Thanks for your thoughts. Unfortunately, mine drinks every single night, just not weekends. It includes every night, usually most of the weekend, etc. I think he realized he wasn't ready to quit and couldn't really give me what I wanted, which was a normal relationship, so he let me go. I believe the man I fell in love w/ is still in there, but he's choosing to drink, and I feel like as long as that addiction that is more important than anyone in his life is around, then there's really no room for me.

I guess that pisses me off, sometimes. I know it's not that simple, but. Argh.

Still Waters

I know mine is thinking about me, unfortunately.

Thing is folks, unless they're working a good strong program or getting help in some other way, they're not thinking about us in a healthy way.

So really, the hope should be that they aren't thinking about us at all.

kv816

I understand. He used to drink every night....a case a night to be exact. But then he "met me in the middle" by only drinking weekends. Like that was supposed to make everything okay. Heck, sometimes I swore the withdrawal was worse than being drunk. I remember about a year and a half ago I brought him home a 12 pack. I knew he hadn't had a drink for a few days and it was Friday night so he was going to be extra ticked about it. I was tired and just wanted to relax and have a good night, without fighting and bickering. So I brought it home to him. Somewhere deep in the back of his eyes I think it was the last time I saw that loving, kind, romantic, understanding man I knew once upon a time.

I think for me, right now tonight, a lot of my anger is out of frustration and hurt of being pushed aside for so long. His beer was always more important. Didn't matter what he would lose because of it. He told me many times that I just need to learn to accept him for what he is. So I think a lot of my anger is that since then I HAVE accepted him for being the alcoholic that he is...and that acceptance forced me to walk away.

I'm sure if you ask him he'll say the whole break up was my fault and he had nothing to do with it. And that angers me. He was always the kind to voice his thoughts about things--how if you screw up you should swallow your pride and take the fault. For the last two years that's all I wanted him to do--swallow his pride and apologize for his actions. So it angers me that I'm sure in his mind I'M at fault for all of this.

But I'm trying really hard not to "require" a fault. What purpose does it serve anyway? Doesn't matter who's at fault or if there really IS a fault. Fact is the relationship died. Period.

Growing up I had a tendency to question my mother. And my kids do it to me too. Sometimes the only answer I'd get (or the one they get) is "because that's just the way it is". Why does the sun come up? I don't know, because that's just the way it is. Why do dogs bark? I don't know, because that's just the way it is. Why doesn't it matter whose fault it is that this relationship ended? I don't know.....because that's just the way it is.

But for some reason tonight I still want to cry.

Still Waters

If you know it wasn't all your fault, does it matter whether he acknowledges the truth or not?

Waiting around for an addict or alcoholic to take responsibility is a lesson in futility. Or a five year old for that matter...

grrl77

I feel ya, sister.

I've been doing really well. Been realizing a lot of things that I've been doing have been me throwing myself in a situation that's not going to get better, yet, for some reason, I kept hoping it'd be different, when the only hope of there being any difference, would be if he actually decided he wanted to get help.

Like you, I guess I hope that somewhere, the man that I loved and still continue to love, is in there. I know he is; I've watched him try to fight his way out of this craziness. But then I think back on the way he wants to remember me to make it easier - the last convo we had, he went off about how "wildly overdressed" I was for a jazz concert. I wore a black dress that was knee length. It was pretty. I'm a conservative dresser, heh. When I showed up, he told me I looked nice. Now, four months later, he can't let this dress thing go. For whatever reason, the last time we talked, he brought it up and told me that I was wildly overdressed and told me it "made him feel weird," because I'd always been "such a practical girl."

What he doesn't remember is that I showed him photos of this dress. I told him about this dress before I even came. I even laughed about how, in the two years he's known me, when has he ever seen me dress up? Because, you know, I was busting around in a prom dress when we were camping. :P Come on now. But out of nowhere, he made it about me. Told me he was "trying to keep distance" when I was there last. Soooo basically it's my fault I looked great and you felt like you didn't compare? I mean, that's what he was getting at. My dressing up/looking awesome made him feel like sh*t. And somehow that's my fault.

The whole disease is just a giant CF. You can't make sense of it, I guess you can only take it for what it is. I try to tell myself the whole "Today" thing. "Today, he chooses to drink, so if he reaches out to me, today I will not talk to him" kind of thought. It's still hard, because the man I fell in love with, is slowly becoming someone I never see, and this hateful monster of a guy rears his ugly head, and it's ... well. At the risk of being dramatic, sad and soul-crushing. I miss him so much. We went from talking about having a wedding reception with batman wedding napkins and having the whole thing in a russian orthodox church even though our families aren't russian, heh (we're silly like that, he's such a silly dude), to... him ripping me apart, bit by bit, what's wrong with me, what he doesn't like about me, what I wear. It's just... not even him, but yet it is - because he's choosing to be the monster.