alcoholic magnet
aboutdone
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midwest
Posts: 191
alcoholic magnet
So, it has been a couple months since I posted. Last time I was on here, I was dealing with huge guilt issues over divorcing my RAH, since the divorce was filed before he went into rehab.
The last 4 months of my life, have been anything but normal, healthy and chaos free.
Shortly after I filed for divorce, I met a man who had recently divorced after a lengthy marriage. He pursued me, and I was pretty hard core, not trusting anyone. Anyways, we seemed to hit it off well. Too well, I suppose. There were a few red flags along the way, like we seriously discussed alcohol, and I told him I had no tolerance for it, ever to be around my children. He agreed to the same. He seemed to be a very happy care free type of guy. As our friendship grew, I guess we became more comfortable with each other. He started changing from that happy guy, who had no resentments about his divorce, into this very bitter person. Constantly claiming his ex had a drinking problem. There is a ton more to this story, but as it ends up, this guy too has a bit of a drinking problem. He had told me that previously he did, but didn't anymore. As life took its turns, I have seen him struggle with his own decisions in life, blame everyone else for everything, and turn to alcohol and slowly shut me out.
The entire time this friendship/relationship was going on, I was living with my RAH, who I was divorcing. He knew the situation, and for 2 months, absolutely supported everything I did. He was determined to win back his wife. He became my best friend again for awhile.
Anyways, all of this came to a huge disaster in the last month. The friendship/relationship fell apart with the other guy, because he was not exerting any energy on us, went from telling me he loved me, to ignoring me on a daily basis. I ended up finally telling the guy he clearly has a drinking problem, and that I have higher expectations from my friends, then what he is willing to meet. He was not happy, and although I am pretty sure he is an alcoholic, I suppose it wasn't my place to label him.
In the meantime my divorce is final. I have moved with my children. I am starting school for the spring semester. AND XRAH and I are trying to make a go of it again. We have BOTH done some absolutely horrible things to each other. We BOTH need to focus on our programs, and learn how to get out of the past, and work on a future.
So the other guy told me I was harsh and unstable. I guess he was right. I am highly unstable, when I look back over the past 4 months of my life.
Why does it seem that I am constantly surrounded by alcoholics? Do I attract them? Why is it that I can see the red flags a waving, yet rationalize that its not a flag, and dismiss them?
I have started going back to AA meetings and Al Anon meetings, as that is what I need to help me stay focused and working on ME.
I want to start going to some coda meetings but can't seem to find any in the area, I am still looking for those.
Why is it that I can look into anyone and everyone elses life and give them the right answer and tell them how to resolve their issues, yet in my own, I struggle?
It is like I am just not happy unless I am unhappy. LOL. Well, really it is not funny. It is sad. I was doing so well.
Ok, anyways, back to working on me. Does anyone know of anything I can do, read, or any meetings I can go to, to help address my relationship issue with starting over with the Ex recovering alcoholic husband in my life?
Anyone have any luck with this? We both have set some seriously strong boundaries, and at this point neither one of us really trust the other. We are attending MC weekly, and do attend AA meetings together when he isn't working.
What a mess, huh! :wtf2
The last 4 months of my life, have been anything but normal, healthy and chaos free.
Shortly after I filed for divorce, I met a man who had recently divorced after a lengthy marriage. He pursued me, and I was pretty hard core, not trusting anyone. Anyways, we seemed to hit it off well. Too well, I suppose. There were a few red flags along the way, like we seriously discussed alcohol, and I told him I had no tolerance for it, ever to be around my children. He agreed to the same. He seemed to be a very happy care free type of guy. As our friendship grew, I guess we became more comfortable with each other. He started changing from that happy guy, who had no resentments about his divorce, into this very bitter person. Constantly claiming his ex had a drinking problem. There is a ton more to this story, but as it ends up, this guy too has a bit of a drinking problem. He had told me that previously he did, but didn't anymore. As life took its turns, I have seen him struggle with his own decisions in life, blame everyone else for everything, and turn to alcohol and slowly shut me out.
The entire time this friendship/relationship was going on, I was living with my RAH, who I was divorcing. He knew the situation, and for 2 months, absolutely supported everything I did. He was determined to win back his wife. He became my best friend again for awhile.
Anyways, all of this came to a huge disaster in the last month. The friendship/relationship fell apart with the other guy, because he was not exerting any energy on us, went from telling me he loved me, to ignoring me on a daily basis. I ended up finally telling the guy he clearly has a drinking problem, and that I have higher expectations from my friends, then what he is willing to meet. He was not happy, and although I am pretty sure he is an alcoholic, I suppose it wasn't my place to label him.
In the meantime my divorce is final. I have moved with my children. I am starting school for the spring semester. AND XRAH and I are trying to make a go of it again. We have BOTH done some absolutely horrible things to each other. We BOTH need to focus on our programs, and learn how to get out of the past, and work on a future.
So the other guy told me I was harsh and unstable. I guess he was right. I am highly unstable, when I look back over the past 4 months of my life.
Why does it seem that I am constantly surrounded by alcoholics? Do I attract them? Why is it that I can see the red flags a waving, yet rationalize that its not a flag, and dismiss them?
I have started going back to AA meetings and Al Anon meetings, as that is what I need to help me stay focused and working on ME.
I want to start going to some coda meetings but can't seem to find any in the area, I am still looking for those.
Why is it that I can look into anyone and everyone elses life and give them the right answer and tell them how to resolve their issues, yet in my own, I struggle?
It is like I am just not happy unless I am unhappy. LOL. Well, really it is not funny. It is sad. I was doing so well.
Ok, anyways, back to working on me. Does anyone know of anything I can do, read, or any meetings I can go to, to help address my relationship issue with starting over with the Ex recovering alcoholic husband in my life?
Anyone have any luck with this? We both have set some seriously strong boundaries, and at this point neither one of us really trust the other. We are attending MC weekly, and do attend AA meetings together when he isn't working.
What a mess, huh! :wtf2
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi aboutdone-
hmmm.
can you do your own recovery work with two men pulling at you?
is it possible to call a time out and set a check point 6 months from now with RAH?
if i recall correctly, AA recommends no relationships for the newly recovering for a year so that the alcoholic can get strong in their recovery.
if it was me, i'd need some time alone to get my head on straight.
why not step off the roller coaster for a bit?
hmmm.
can you do your own recovery work with two men pulling at you?
is it possible to call a time out and set a check point 6 months from now with RAH?
if i recall correctly, AA recommends no relationships for the newly recovering for a year so that the alcoholic can get strong in their recovery.
if it was me, i'd need some time alone to get my head on straight.
why not step off the roller coaster for a bit?
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
welcome back, ****{Aboutdone}}}
well, if there's no al-anon meetings in your area -
you could always try starting one yourself!
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over,
and expecting a different result.
I never knew that before AA.
I know there's tons of support here on SR
and it's been a life saving link for me
between meetings
and during intense times of change.
Rebuilding a realtionship
never worked for me.
But I know people
who did manage it.
So I can only welcome you back
and hope those who did manage
come along soon!
well, if there's no al-anon meetings in your area -
you could always try starting one yourself!
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over,
and expecting a different result.
I never knew that before AA.
I know there's tons of support here on SR
and it's been a life saving link for me
between meetings
and during intense times of change.
Rebuilding a realtionship
never worked for me.
But I know people
who did manage it.
So I can only welcome you back
and hope those who did manage
come along soon!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: canada
Posts: 166
What finally worked for me (I had over 20 years of going back and forth with my EXAH, in and out of rehab, infidelity, etc) was
100% no contact
lots of counseling/therapy
using all the energy that I used to use focusing on my EXAH and use it to focus on ME
stop looking at everyone and focus totally on me - that was hard because as long as I was focusing on someone else I didn't have to look at me
acknowledging who I was, how I got there, accepting that I contributed to the mess my marriage/life became and let it go
I firmly believe that whatever is going on in your mind is what you are attracting, we are like magnets - like attract like. You become AND attract what you think. Every thought has a frequency. Thoughts send out a magnetic energy and people think about what they don't want and attract more of the same.
I too tried dating at the beginning and found that I was a magnet for A's. For me it was too early in my recovery.
Fast forward to today - I'm divorced, maintain my no contact, still active in counseling but only once a month or whenever I feel I need it, have surrounded myself with warm supportive friends who share the same passions that I do, lost weight, quit smoking, taken up hiking, kayaking, yoga and snowshoeing, my new home is tranquil and peaceful and I share part of my life/time with a lovely secure healthy active man.
Hang in there, work your program it really does work, K.
100% no contact
lots of counseling/therapy
using all the energy that I used to use focusing on my EXAH and use it to focus on ME
stop looking at everyone and focus totally on me - that was hard because as long as I was focusing on someone else I didn't have to look at me
acknowledging who I was, how I got there, accepting that I contributed to the mess my marriage/life became and let it go
I firmly believe that whatever is going on in your mind is what you are attracting, we are like magnets - like attract like. You become AND attract what you think. Every thought has a frequency. Thoughts send out a magnetic energy and people think about what they don't want and attract more of the same.
I too tried dating at the beginning and found that I was a magnet for A's. For me it was too early in my recovery.
Fast forward to today - I'm divorced, maintain my no contact, still active in counseling but only once a month or whenever I feel I need it, have surrounded myself with warm supportive friends who share the same passions that I do, lost weight, quit smoking, taken up hiking, kayaking, yoga and snowshoeing, my new home is tranquil and peaceful and I share part of my life/time with a lovely secure healthy active man.
Hang in there, work your program it really does work, K.
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