kittykitty

I was just re-reading the email I sent my AF (I should be putting an R in front of that, but I don't know if he is still recovering or not). I sent it last week, after me and my sister confronted him about having beer in the house. I wanted to talk to him about it (phone and email are our only options, he is in another state) but didn't think I could handle it, so I wrote an email. This was the morning before my first alanon meeting. My sister had already spoken to him, and he was angry, defensive, and hung up on her. (when I had called him the next day, after I sent this, he was the same way with me). We had written it together, we felt stronger united, that it was coming from both of us.

An excerpt:

"We love you, and can only imagine how hard it is to be an alcoholic and stay sober: we are fully prepared to help you along your journey, but we can only do that if you let us help you-- and that starts with you helping yourself. Our reactions come from love and concern for your well being, and the frustration that we are powerless in your battle to fight this addiction. We did not cause it, we can't control it, and we can't cure it, only you have these abilities. All we can do is be there for you to support you in times of trouble, reminding you how much we love and care about you."

"You can always be honest with us, and know that our doors and hearts are always open if you need us, but only if you are as committed as we are to helping you live a healthy life free of alcohol and drugs. We know that no one can force you to do something you don't want to do, just as no one forces you to purchase beer and have it in the house, spend time in bars, or drink... these are decisions you make on your own."

"There will always be room in our lives for you when you decide you want to be a part of them. We just can't continue to devote time and energy to helping you improve and find happiness if you are going to continue to involve alcohol in your life."


For the past week, I have been stressing over how to detach with love. How to put it into words, how to get the point across that I want to support him, love him, and be there for him, but that I can only do that if he is serious about getting better.

Re-reading this today, I feel a sense of relief that it seems I have already said all there is to say, and I have already detached. I'm resisting the urge to send something else, (that feeling of, 'okay this is the last one, I really mean it this time') I can't imagine what else there is to say.

I feel like me posting this is just another side effect of my "searching for approval", and I'm kind of embarrassed about it. Even though I know there is no 'right way' or 'wrong way' to handle these things, I guess I'm still just looking for that pat on the back, that hug that says 'you done good'. I'm so pissed at myself right now for needing that approval, even from total strangers.

tromboneliness

May I offer you a pat on the back? You're doing great!

T

wicked

I look at it as not "searching for approval" but searching for support. Nothing to be embarassed about here honey. From one misplaced carolina woman, let me say you done good, you deserve a pat on the back for setting your boundaries and a big hug for doing all this.
There are no strangers here lady, we are all on the same path, I understand your ambivalence and need for approval. you got it from me, OK?
keep doing what you need to do to take care of yourself.
wicked

takincareome

Good for you!

I know that to me, detachment has been a process. But I know what you mean: At some point, something kind of clicked in my head, and I felt -- and still feel, most times -- like I am viewing my codependent mother's behavior through glass. I feel strangely removed from her behavior. That's the only way I can describe it. Sounds like something similar happened to you. You do indeed need a pat on the back. And a big hug.

Carol Star

No contact is the easiest for me. Live in the solution not the problem. I avoid the crazies and chaos. They have the same Higher Power. I try to respect the fact that they are adults and capable of getting their life together when they choose. Anybody pushing it may slow it down. I have also come to realize God forbid, he may not make it. Last year I was around alcohol for the holidays and this year.....no way.....no more.......it is like the devil for me. Not worth the stress. Good luck to your loved one and you.