sograteful

Sigh. It's been awhile since I've been around. I hope everyone is doing well. Life as far as my alcoholic mother goes has been status quo. Until Sunday.

My father had a horrible accident --he fell from a 25 ft tree while trimming branches. Thankfully he's going to be okay aside from punctured lungs, broken ribs , broken collar bone, broken back (but no nerve damage, thankfully) and a few other issues of the like. It could have gone so differerently, obviously, in so many ways. I'm extremely grateful.

My alcoholic mother did not notify my husband and I of the accident. My other two brothers found out on Sunday (neither of whom speak out about her alcoholism, although one of them does talk to me about it regularly). Like I said, it happened early on Sunday afternoon. I found out by accident during a random online chat w/ my younger brother late on Monday afternoon. He assumed I already knew --felt horrible that I did not. I got the details from him and then spent the next few days in a whirlwind of emotions. I can't even explain them all.....completely overwhelmed is the best way to describe it all.

I finally mustered up the courage to call him on Wednesday morning at the hospital. She answered. I was upbeat and kind when I simply asked to speak with him --it was so hard not to lose my cool. What kind of monster doesn't notify someone (especially a daughter) of something horrific like that (that happens to her father)? I also found out that she didn't notify his siblings until Wednesday via email. His bother (and his best friend) told me he would have been on the first flight Monday AM had he known.....all of the siblings/cousins are quite distressed ---but they are finally seeing some of her evil behavior that I'm exposed to quite reqularly. Of course HER siblings were notified on Sunday night/Monday morning. But even they are no strangers to he drinking problem. There are no excuses. She's been sitting at the hospital all week w/ her laptop. If she didn't feel like speaking to me --she could have emailed me the details. She did this purposely.

Part of me is blown away ---part of me realizes that I shouldn't be. The manipulation and selfishness of an alcoholic is pretty intense, even in a life and death situation apparently. I guess there's a part of me that thought she would put the issues aside and call in this kind of event. The issues being the fact that I am the only person who has spoken of her alcoholism aloud and has maintained true to my boundaries because of them. She loathes me for that, clearly. Or rather her disease does.

It's been shocking. It's been painful. It's been an awful week. He sounded pretty good and he's gone home to recover now --where I can reach him a little easier via his own cell phone now.

It's just unreal how far the alcoholic will go to isolate the one who speaks about his/her disease. But it won't stop me. It won't negatively impact the progress I've made in the therapy. I think I just needed a few days to cry --mainly over my father's horrible accident....partially over the fact that my mother really IS as sick as my husband and I have suspected all along.

Disturbing, isn't it?

Thanks for hearing me. Happy days for each of you....may you find the strength to keep your own families safe and your boundaries tight. I know it's not an easy task.

kittykitty

I am so sorry that happened to your father, what a horrible accident, but I'm glad he is going to pull through. It is quite sad I guess, when you realize how sick someone is, I read on here once that crying about it is natural, because you are mourning the absence of a relationship, realizing it will never be. I am one who is very early in her recovery, and still under the spell that some day things will change for me and my A. I hope some day to have your strength and will, to be the person you are and to be able to handle things so well. Well done for not stooping to her level.

Wolfchild

Welcome back.

Goldberry

Praise God your father is going to be okay. I too have trouble with my Amom and her manipulation. She screens my dads calls sometimes and it's hard to talk just to him without her listening in. It's good he has his own cell phone so you can call him only. My dad has one but rarely turns it on or uses it. I'm not sure what's going on there. It's good to hear you are staying strong and you are so right about keeping your boundaries firm and how hard it is. I and my son also are the only ones who have spoken of my mom's drinking problem. When we confronted her one time she literally came unglued and tried to turn it back on us instead. Insanity. That's what this disease is. Keep the faith and remember God loves you!

takincareome

I'm so sorry, but FWIW I think you're handling it as well as you can under the circumstances. I will keep your father in my thoughts and I wish him a speedy recovery.

I'm sorry that you are grieving, too. What your mother did was wrong. And yes, she is sick, but I know that doesn't make you feel any better right now. Sending hugs to you.

sograteful

Thanks, everyone. I so appreciate your kindness, input and support.

It seems it's gone a step further --once again. My father is no longer speaking to me. Again. I spoke to him that day in the hospital --I've called his private cell phone three times since to get an update on his health and just to hear his voice --no return calls. My office sent a huge bouquet of flowers to him --no thank you call. Nothing. At first I thought she was just getting his phone and deleting the messages (yes, we've confirmed that has happened before --even then he couldn't see the 'sickness' of her behavior)...but now I'm certain he's just not speaking to me.

She gets inside his head at times and he'll pull away for a few months. It's tragic that it could happen after a life/death accident --you would *think* that's a time for taking inventory and staying close to those you love. At least that's what a healthy person would do...

My therapist reminds me that he's sick, too. That sometimes the co-dependent enabler is more mentally ill than the actual alcoholic ---because they are able to embed themselves THAT deeply in denial often with no chemicals, no weapons, no drugs, no alcohol, etc. They just make themselves that sick on their own to protect the alcoholic. And they become so co-dependent on his/her disease that it sickens them beyond belief.

So now I wait. He'll call again at some point --or at least this is how that cycle goes. I hope he does. I can't control it though and I'm working myself to that zero expectation spot.

She's leaving him alone over Thanksgiving and traveling to another state. I thought it would be a great opportunity to bring food to him, spend time with him, make sure he's okay, etc. But I won't force myself on him. If he doesn't return my calls --I think he'll have a lonely Thanksgiving. Perhaps, for his sake, it will also be a thoughtful one?

Thanks again everyone....I draw amazing strength from each of your stories and draw peace from just knowing (unfortunately) I am not alone.

dothi

Just my two cents, sograteful.

First of all this is really shi**y and immature behavior to be dealing with. It's crazy-making, and quite frankly the type of situation that you hear of frequently from my alcoholic father's side of the family. It's just BS. No you can't change them, can't control them, etc. etc. etc. but that doesn't change how disappointing it is to have to deal with it time and time again.

but re: he's sick too.

With my parents it is the opposite situation - my alcoholic father is the manipulative, self-victimizing, self-rationalizing saint, and my mom is behind-his-back-unhappy codependent. I used to get too involved and frustrated with her after listening to all of her complaining. She would get me worked up, and then in the middle of a confrontation with my dad, switch sides and back him up - making ME look crazy.

Two years ago I broke away from the dysfunction (moved across the country). This year my sister is coming out to spend xmas with me, leaving my mom at home with drunken dad and drunken son. Part of me hopes it will be her codie bottom. After reading stories from the "Friends and Families of Alcoholics" forum, I see now that codies also need to "hit bottom" with their alcoholics. My mom needs to feel the pain of what she is losing as a result of "standing by" alcoholic dad is MORE than the pain of losing him. It is still her choice to stay with him. I can't change that. I also have to accept that she may never hit that bottom. It's not for me to say or decide.

For some reason I take great comfort in this idea: it is NOT my job to save my mom from her unhealthy relationship, while it IS my job to enforce healthy boundaries that prevent me that getting over-involved in the drama of my parent's relationship. For my mom all I can do is support her healthy decisions, and in the meantime, take care of myself. No, it doesn't make the pain of these shi*Ty events any easier, but I know it's not because I don't love her enough or because I'm not trying hard enough.

reverse

Wow, I never really looked at codies as having to hit rock bottom before. It is a very true concept, but one I don't think I'll ever see in my family. In 2003 (6 years ago) I moved thousands of miles away from my family of origin (toxic). Then, when I was pregnant with my first daughter, I slowly started letting them back into my life (phone calls, emails, my Amother and Codie sister (6 years older than me) even came to visit me--which was very difficult). Less than a year after my daughter was born, my sister convinced me to move closer to home so that my daughter and her two kids could grow up together (close in age). Eventually after much thought and consideration, my husband and I decided to relocate closer to my sister. She had promised she had changed (no more lying, manipulation, pressuring me to be around family members I don't want to be, controlling, yelling and screaming, etc.) and had went to counseling herself (to this day I think is a lie). Long story short, we hadn't moved back for but 3 weeks and she already started screaming and yelling at me about the past when my husband was at work. At this time, I was 5 months pregnant w/ my middle child....and every time my sister would do that to me...my whole life...i'd just sit there and take it....and believe it. She acted like I owed her my life, was mad that I never told her I got married, was angry that I didn't want to be a part of her life when she had her children, was angry that I didn't want to be at her wedding...the list goes on...so much drama. I told her, I didn't want to partake in any of those things b/c for one, she was accusational to me ....would yell and scream when i wouildn't do what she thought I should (call my Amother--even tho my mom would be drunk, see my bio dad, be around my physically abusive stepdad, etc.). Her actions drove us apart...that is how I viewed it. Plus, I needed to get my head clear...and get away from all of the drama. I couldn't take it anymore. Nevertheless, i had thought she changed..bla bla bla...apparently she didn't. She only knew how to mask things better at times. For about 10 months...her and I tried working on our relationship..and it just got worse. I kept disappointing her...i wouldn't be the religion she wanted me to (I'm of the orthodox faith...by choice), (keep in mind, she was 31 years old and I was 25 at the time), I wouldn"t go to her healing touch mantra therapist lady (this therapist had my sister convinced that she was a geisha in a past life---to me that is just wack...but I respected her beliefs w/out criticism), I wouldn't believe her when she tried lying about my husband and everything else that goes along with it. Needless to say, one day it all came to a head and she started yelling and screaming at me for almost an hour (in front of my 1 year old daughter and the other one by this time was 4 months old). She ended up disowning me. Then within the same week, she approached me like nothing happened..wanting to talk about it. I refused to talk w/ her b/c when i had tried talking w/ her before, she yelled at me. So...long story short...she views me as ending the relationship, has gossipped about me and my husband to the entire family...demonizing us and making us out to be immature, irresponsible people. I am sooo angry at her. She lives 2 miles away from me and we haven't spoken in a year. Needless to say, I didn't move all the way back near here just to have this happen.
Recently, I detached from my Amother and my mother has this attitude that I am a horrible daughter who won't let her see her grandchildren (this is a long story you can read in other threads). My mother insists that she is such a wonderful grandma to my kids (even tho she's only visited 2 times in two years and only lives about 2 hours away). So....now as usual...my sister (only sibling) is the hero ONCE AGAIN (cuz when I moved away I was the scapegoat, horrible uncaring daughter b/c I wouldn't call, write, or do anything they wanted me to) b/c I set boundaries w/ my Amother that she is not happy with. When I would talk to my mom often, she would act like she favored me and make my sister feel like dirt in comparison. Now that I have distanced myself from my mom, my sister is the angel, the truly loving daughter, the one who goes out of her way to help her if she needs it (recently my sister drove to my mom's house to help take a bunch of old items and boxes to the Goodwill--b/c my mom is a drunk and don't have a driver's license to do it herself..and my stepdad apparently wont do it....my mom is about to lose her home b/c she hasn't made her payment so she has to get rid of all the things she has collected for the last 30 years or so--they still have a dishwasher from the early 80's that broke and never fixed it..but still held onto it...that's just one example of the junk they have...its disgusting). Nevertheless, my sister still goes to family holiday functions, etc...when I choose not to b/c I don't want to be around drunk people, I don't want to be threatened physically from my step-dad, and i feel like its a waste of my life and time...b/c when i was home for the holidays (2002 Christmas was the last time), I was treated like S(#*$ when I wouldn't do what they wanted me to do...not only that..no one would talk to me. I couldn't be my own person...I was invisible unless I was supposed to do what they told me.
Anyways....so..the minute I'm the bad child...my sister is the hero and that is why I don't think she'll ever hit codie rockbottom...she's getting the false acceptance that she never had....its better than no acceptance. So long story short, my family of origin hate me....lies and rumors have been spread about me...and there is no place for me and the family I've created in their lives. I am having a hard time dealing w/ it b/c I wish they could see how beautiful my children are...and the beautifuly family I have. There are some family members (extended relatives) who want to see my kids badly, but I won't go to those holiday functions b/c my step-dad, sister, and mom is there. Plus, I can barely afford to drive that far....we need a better car, etc.

Things have been really hard for me lately; harder than I ever imagined they would be. I hate feeling this way; the lonliness, sadness, and anger. I am trying to seek out a therapist, but I don't want to go to one that is crazy themselves...been there done that.
Now that I am a mother of 3 children, a wife and recently moved into an area wehre I don't know hardly anyone other than the people I work with, I have felt very lonely and alone. I feel bad that my kids have no one to celebrate their birthdays with, no one to share the holidays with...it's just the five of us. I'm scared to make new friends....B/c I'm afraid I wil do something to **** them off (i can be very opinionated..but I am nice and easygoing too...i just know a lot of people can't tolerate a difference of opininon). I am tired of not having any support..and i'm tired of having a family who is supposed to be there and support me--but aren't. In fact, many have been very abusive to me. The pain and drama is miles long and the resentment and anger runs very deep.
The only thing I am hoping to do to generate some friends is to maintain the few I have at work, eventually drive to church when we get a better car, and maybe start going to al-anon meetings. I really hope I can find some friends/family from alanon. I am in college right now studying to be a nurse so that is also helping me get out and try to know people too.

Anyway, thx for reading this post and thx for sharing ur views.