Getting Started
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 1
Getting Started
Hello - I have been browsing for a few weeks and just registered today. My husband is an alcoholic. We have been married for 9 years and have a 6 and 3 year old, he has been a heavy drinker the whole time but I guess I'm just finally putting a name to it.
The drinking comes and goes in cycles and right now it's bad. He knows how much it upsets me so he hides it and lies which of course just makes me more upset, I would much prefer him to just be honest and open but I guess that is the nature of the beast. He is not at all abusive but does drink when he has the kids (dosen't drive drunk with them but I think after a beer or two which is totally not ok with me). I guess it's hard for me to know when the line is crossed to alcoholism, he can't stop it but has YET to have any serious consequences.
I have realized that I have been detaching through the years to the point where I don't think I love him anymore. I am trying to live my own life but it very much upsets me when I come home in the evening and can tell he has been drinking or worse, when we go out to dinner or whatnot with his family and I have to sit and pretend that everything is ok when I know that he has been drinking. I think an acceptable amount is a few drinks on the weekends after the kids go to bed and he agrees but can't stick to it, so now every time I can tell that he has had even one beer during the week or a Saturday morning it upsets me.
I am somewhat preparing mentally to leave, waiting for that big moment. I guess I just can't rationalizing leaving at the moment but I am just waiting for it all to go downhill in a hurry.
He was supposed to go to his first AA meeting tonight but just sat in his car outside of the building and said he will go in next time. I don't know if he really wants to stop or if he is trying to please me, I am just afraid that he will need to hit rock bottom first and that's such a long ways to go and I don't want to go along for that ride, ya know?
Random musings, thanks for letting me type it all out.
The drinking comes and goes in cycles and right now it's bad. He knows how much it upsets me so he hides it and lies which of course just makes me more upset, I would much prefer him to just be honest and open but I guess that is the nature of the beast. He is not at all abusive but does drink when he has the kids (dosen't drive drunk with them but I think after a beer or two which is totally not ok with me). I guess it's hard for me to know when the line is crossed to alcoholism, he can't stop it but has YET to have any serious consequences.
I have realized that I have been detaching through the years to the point where I don't think I love him anymore. I am trying to live my own life but it very much upsets me when I come home in the evening and can tell he has been drinking or worse, when we go out to dinner or whatnot with his family and I have to sit and pretend that everything is ok when I know that he has been drinking. I think an acceptable amount is a few drinks on the weekends after the kids go to bed and he agrees but can't stick to it, so now every time I can tell that he has had even one beer during the week or a Saturday morning it upsets me.
I am somewhat preparing mentally to leave, waiting for that big moment. I guess I just can't rationalizing leaving at the moment but I am just waiting for it all to go downhill in a hurry.
He was supposed to go to his first AA meeting tonight but just sat in his car outside of the building and said he will go in next time. I don't know if he really wants to stop or if he is trying to please me, I am just afraid that he will need to hit rock bottom first and that's such a long ways to go and I don't want to go along for that ride, ya know?
Random musings, thanks for letting me type it all out.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 247
Hey, you have to ask yourself if he is doing this for you - or for himself. If he is going to AA and getting sober for the right reasons, it will work. If he is doing it just for you, it won't work.
It sucks, but you have to let them hit rock bottom on their own. You didn't cause this to happen, you can't control them or their actions, and you certainly cannot cure them.
You can control you. Get healthy, read alot about this situation, and post on here like mad. You will find support, love, and acceptance here.
Just take care of you and your kids. It's all you can do.
It sucks, but you have to let them hit rock bottom on their own. You didn't cause this to happen, you can't control them or their actions, and you certainly cannot cure them.
You can control you. Get healthy, read alot about this situation, and post on here like mad. You will find support, love, and acceptance here.
Just take care of you and your kids. It's all you can do.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the Sober Recovery family!
You will find lots of information and support on this forum.
Since he was willing to try AA, are you willing to try Al-anon meetings? With small children in the home, you may need to alternate nights at meetings.
Your husband may also want to explore our forum to learn more about alcoholism. AA is a great support for alcoholics but not the only way to achieve sobriety. I'm a recovering alcoholic as well as a recovering codependent ex spouse of an alcoholic.
When I was ready to accept my addiction to alcohol, I discovered this website. I found a link on this website that contains excerpts from the book "Under the Influence". I bought that book. It has helped me understand the physical and mental addiction to alcohol. Here's the link:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
According to your post, you are sending your AH mixed signals about his drinking. You state that he is aware that his drinking upsets you. You have decided that an acceptable amount of alcohol is a few drinks on weekends after the children go to bed. Therefore, he must hide his drinking from you and lie to prevent disputes over alcohol. Then you say that you would rather he drink openly than lie about his consumption. Which is it? Drink openly or drink only what you think is acceptable?
You both are trying to control the uncontrollable.
Step one for the alcoholic and loved one is:
Admit that we are powerless over alcohol and that our lives have become unmanageable.
You will find lots of information and support on this forum.
Since he was willing to try AA, are you willing to try Al-anon meetings? With small children in the home, you may need to alternate nights at meetings.
Your husband may also want to explore our forum to learn more about alcoholism. AA is a great support for alcoholics but not the only way to achieve sobriety. I'm a recovering alcoholic as well as a recovering codependent ex spouse of an alcoholic.
When I was ready to accept my addiction to alcohol, I discovered this website. I found a link on this website that contains excerpts from the book "Under the Influence". I bought that book. It has helped me understand the physical and mental addiction to alcohol. Here's the link:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
According to your post, you are sending your AH mixed signals about his drinking. You state that he is aware that his drinking upsets you. You have decided that an acceptable amount of alcohol is a few drinks on weekends after the children go to bed. Therefore, he must hide his drinking from you and lie to prevent disputes over alcohol. Then you say that you would rather he drink openly than lie about his consumption. Which is it? Drink openly or drink only what you think is acceptable?
You both are trying to control the uncontrollable.
Step one for the alcoholic and loved one is:
Admit that we are powerless over alcohol and that our lives have become unmanageable.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hi rollingalong!
I am somewhat preparing mentally to leave, waiting for that big moment. I guess I just can't rationalizing leaving at the moment but I am just waiting for it all to go downhill in a hurry.
I sure hope that big moment does not involve violence or a car accident w/ your kids or financial ruin! I mean, why wait? Have you considered AlAnon for yourself? The structure is similar to AA but the program gets your mind off the alcoholic and ontot he one person you can control: YOU!
Your kids need the sober/sane parent to be doing the right thing and to be in reality and honesty....if the child is told early enough and often enough that dad is an alcoholic and we didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it, then the child is being given an honest picture of reality. I wish someone had done that for me and my siblings when we were growing up...and if our mom could have found that courage to be honest and in reality it would have spared me a world of pain! My brothers all becane alcoholics so I always wonder if dad's alcoholism had been honestly discussed and explained and some help had been offered maybe things would have turned out differently...I'll never know...
Glad you're here - did you check out the "stickies" at the top of the first page of this forum? Lots of great stuff in there.
It is very painful to accept the reality of alcoholism, but once I met it honestly and found out what it really is and how it had affected me - I was able to start creating the beautiful life I wanted - I didn't need to let alcoholism destroy my joy...I found I had a choice - not easy but - there it is!!!
peace-
B
I am somewhat preparing mentally to leave, waiting for that big moment. I guess I just can't rationalizing leaving at the moment but I am just waiting for it all to go downhill in a hurry.
I sure hope that big moment does not involve violence or a car accident w/ your kids or financial ruin! I mean, why wait? Have you considered AlAnon for yourself? The structure is similar to AA but the program gets your mind off the alcoholic and ontot he one person you can control: YOU!
Your kids need the sober/sane parent to be doing the right thing and to be in reality and honesty....if the child is told early enough and often enough that dad is an alcoholic and we didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it, then the child is being given an honest picture of reality. I wish someone had done that for me and my siblings when we were growing up...and if our mom could have found that courage to be honest and in reality it would have spared me a world of pain! My brothers all becane alcoholics so I always wonder if dad's alcoholism had been honestly discussed and explained and some help had been offered maybe things would have turned out differently...I'll never know...
Glad you're here - did you check out the "stickies" at the top of the first page of this forum? Lots of great stuff in there.
It is very painful to accept the reality of alcoholism, but once I met it honestly and found out what it really is and how it had affected me - I was able to start creating the beautiful life I wanted - I didn't need to let alcoholism destroy my joy...I found I had a choice - not easy but - there it is!!!
peace-
B
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