frustrated (again)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 15
frustrated (again)
After telling me that he did not order any (I saw some sites on our computer), found out that AH placed 2 orders for pain meds online. One of these orders he placed in my name, presumably b/c he couldn't place 2 orders under his own name. Luckily I was able to cancel the order under my name b/c they called for a verification of the medical info over the phone and clearly he could not pretend to be me.
I'm just so frustrated b/c everytime it seems like he is making any progress, it seems to be followed by several large steps back. I'm just not sure I can keep living like this, but it always seems that things will change soon. He was supposed to be starting w/ a new therapist today, but he missed that appointment b/c he is in the hospital. I was really hoping this therapist would help turn things around for him. Also, in two weeks he is supposed to go to a clinic that specializes in treating the medical conditions for which he needs (or claims to need?) the pain meds for. Really hoping that these doctors will have some answers for him and can get his condition under control.
I'm just not sure I can wait this long. And the therapist and other specialists may not have the answers, and even if they do the results won't be immediate. I'm so tired of being used and watching our money go down the drain, and I'm feeling like things may never change.
Anyway... mostly venting here. Feeling stuck and not sure what to do. I have been to a few meetings, and will keep going, but so far I'm not sure they're really for me.
I'm just so frustrated b/c everytime it seems like he is making any progress, it seems to be followed by several large steps back. I'm just not sure I can keep living like this, but it always seems that things will change soon. He was supposed to be starting w/ a new therapist today, but he missed that appointment b/c he is in the hospital. I was really hoping this therapist would help turn things around for him. Also, in two weeks he is supposed to go to a clinic that specializes in treating the medical conditions for which he needs (or claims to need?) the pain meds for. Really hoping that these doctors will have some answers for him and can get his condition under control.
I'm just not sure I can wait this long. And the therapist and other specialists may not have the answers, and even if they do the results won't be immediate. I'm so tired of being used and watching our money go down the drain, and I'm feeling like things may never change.
Anyway... mostly venting here. Feeling stuck and not sure what to do. I have been to a few meetings, and will keep going, but so far I'm not sure they're really for me.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Horizon, I'm sorry this keeps going on and on. I know sometimes it seems like a test of who will cave first, and it's usually us.
Keep going to your meetings, eventually they will kick in for you, I promise. Or try some new ones maybe, sometimes we have to shop for the meetings that fits us.
Sadly, we each reach our "enough" point somewhere along the way. When you hit it, you will know that you just can't do another day like this. That doesn't mean there is no hope, it just means that sometimes we can't build a future on hope alone.
Big hugs because I know this is hard.
Keep going to your meetings, eventually they will kick in for you, I promise. Or try some new ones maybe, sometimes we have to shop for the meetings that fits us.
Sadly, we each reach our "enough" point somewhere along the way. When you hit it, you will know that you just can't do another day like this. That doesn't mean there is no hope, it just means that sometimes we can't build a future on hope alone.
Big hugs because I know this is hard.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 285
Horizon- I'm new to this process. However, when i read your post it was too familiar to me. My AH is addicted to oxycodone. I've been where you are. About 2 weeks ago, I made some decisions for myself to try to stabalize this roller coaster of a life. I told him that I will no longer have any internet shopping for pills. I will not accept any excuse for him taking the pills. I will not live with a man who sleeps constantly. I will not support someone who self medicates. I will support all forms of recovery. I believe this is a disease and he needs help. I stopped feeling sorry for myself and am grateful that I am a strong woman who can be here for our children when his addiction controls him. These are all my decisions. He is entitled to decisions as well. And if he wants to continue on this path, he can remove himself from this house because I will not watch him self destruct. I cannot control this disease; however, I can make decisions that enable me to have some form of peace. There is no right or wrong here - this is just something I needed to do for myself. I can't tell you how much this little bit has helped me. Stay strong and take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: buffalo ny
Posts: 167
I'm just not sure I can keep living like this, but it always seems that things will change soon. He was supposed to be starting w/ a new therapist today, but he missed that appointment b/c he is in the hospital. I was really hoping this therapist would help turn things around for him. Also, in two weeks he is supposed to go to a clinic that specializes in treating the medical conditions for which he needs (or claims to need?) the pain meds for. Really hoping that these doctors will have some answers for him and can get his condition under control.
I had thought that too, but it wasn't about getting the right therapist and it wasn't bipolar disorder or his deviated septum. It was the cocaine, and nothing stopped AH's use but 2 years in prison.
I had thought that too, but it wasn't about getting the right therapist and it wasn't bipolar disorder or his deviated septum. It was the cocaine, and nothing stopped AH's use but 2 years in prison.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
I agree with barb and the others, i thought the same things too. my ah went to rehab several times, court ordered rehabs, therapists, counselors, 1/2 way houses, jail several times, 2yrs in prison and is now in jail and possibly going to prison again. its totally up to him to want to get better.
sorry you are having to go through all of this but there is not much you can do except focus more on you. for 21yrs i stuck around watching my ah get better then worse and worse, better then worse and worse. the cycle continues until they are ready. there is hope though, it depends on the addict. i'm a ra too, it took for my family to step away and allow me to fall on my face and figure out my own way to pick myself up.
is there a way that you can separate your finances, setting as much as you can away from his? i had to find out the hard way, my ah's addiction kept us tapped out financially. after all that time of thinking things would get better, i ended up having to separate myself in order to save myself and the kids.
i pray that things get better for you and that your ah finds his way soon.
sorry you are having to go through all of this but there is not much you can do except focus more on you. for 21yrs i stuck around watching my ah get better then worse and worse, better then worse and worse. the cycle continues until they are ready. there is hope though, it depends on the addict. i'm a ra too, it took for my family to step away and allow me to fall on my face and figure out my own way to pick myself up.
is there a way that you can separate your finances, setting as much as you can away from his? i had to find out the hard way, my ah's addiction kept us tapped out financially. after all that time of thinking things would get better, i ended up having to separate myself in order to save myself and the kids.
i pray that things get better for you and that your ah finds his way soon.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 15
Thanks everyone.
I don't sign for his packages. They are usually held at FedEx for him. I was especially concenered when he ordered in my name, but at least I was able to cancel that. I wish these sites didn't exist!
All of our finances have been in joint accounts since we were married, and it worked out fine until his addiction started. I am planning to take away his debit card for our joint account (which he uses to place his orders) and his credit card (he's a cardholder on my account) and allow him to only use a limited amount of cash each week. I don't know if this is being too controlling (i.e., trying to control his addiction), but I don't know what else to do to stop my/our savings from diminishing. I just need to do this for now until I can come up with a better or more permanent solution. I just can't believe I am putting a 30-year-old "adult" on an allowance.
His medical condition really confounds the issues for me. I was hoping that by getting his condition under control, he wouldn't need the meds as much or at all. He claims he takes the pain meds to control his condition, and it is a recognized treatment for the condition. Also, several doctors, whose opinions I do trust, have prescribed them to him including a doctor aware of his addiction issues (though I'm not sure how aware she was of the amount he was using). But I am realizing that if he is already taking far more than he "needs to" and is using it as a coping mechanism for any kind of stress, why should I expect him to stop if his medical condition gets better?
Well, I hope at least some of that made sense. I am just working out some things in my head on the distinction between his condition and his addiction as I type. It's something I really struggle with and it really confounds a lot of issues for me. I think he struggles with the same thing. My head is spinning, I can't imagine what goes on in his head!
I don't sign for his packages. They are usually held at FedEx for him. I was especially concenered when he ordered in my name, but at least I was able to cancel that. I wish these sites didn't exist!
All of our finances have been in joint accounts since we were married, and it worked out fine until his addiction started. I am planning to take away his debit card for our joint account (which he uses to place his orders) and his credit card (he's a cardholder on my account) and allow him to only use a limited amount of cash each week. I don't know if this is being too controlling (i.e., trying to control his addiction), but I don't know what else to do to stop my/our savings from diminishing. I just need to do this for now until I can come up with a better or more permanent solution. I just can't believe I am putting a 30-year-old "adult" on an allowance.
His medical condition really confounds the issues for me. I was hoping that by getting his condition under control, he wouldn't need the meds as much or at all. He claims he takes the pain meds to control his condition, and it is a recognized treatment for the condition. Also, several doctors, whose opinions I do trust, have prescribed them to him including a doctor aware of his addiction issues (though I'm not sure how aware she was of the amount he was using). But I am realizing that if he is already taking far more than he "needs to" and is using it as a coping mechanism for any kind of stress, why should I expect him to stop if his medical condition gets better?
Well, I hope at least some of that made sense. I am just working out some things in my head on the distinction between his condition and his addiction as I type. It's something I really struggle with and it really confounds a lot of issues for me. I think he struggles with the same thing. My head is spinning, I can't imagine what goes on in his head!
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
I am so sorry that once again you have been "let down" and I truly can relate to being dissappointed more times than not.
What else can we do but move forward and stick to our boundaries; pray alot and take care of ourselves by going to meetings and just keep busy.
Look at this way, nothing changes unless we do the changing. There is not one thing we can say or do to make them change because we are just not that powerful.
I just know that with each dissappointment comes a little more strength, and in time you will be able to move forward.
Hugs, Devastated
What else can we do but move forward and stick to our boundaries; pray alot and take care of ourselves by going to meetings and just keep busy.
Look at this way, nothing changes unless we do the changing. There is not one thing we can say or do to make them change because we are just not that powerful.
I just know that with each dissappointment comes a little more strength, and in time you will be able to move forward.
Hugs, Devastated
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