Rose56

Hello Friends,
I have been fighting the blues the last few days. I have tried not to focus on my feelings and just move forward. Yesterday was especially bad. When I went home, my AH was not home, out drinking with the neighbors. I felt so sad and alone, and when he came home, I fought with him, cried, yelled at him. A real meltdown.

I feel so sorry and ashamed about how I responded. I know it did no good and very likely did harm. I know he is in a very bad place.

But now I know I am in a very bad place too. I cried for quite awhile after that, it had been so long since I have cried over my life.

A very perceptive friend told me that it was like I was ripping off a band aid one little painful piece at a time, instead of just ripping it all off at once. I think this is sad but true.

So here I am, a sad mess of struggles, hopes, strengths, and indecision. Well it is not as though I haven't decided, I have decided we need to separate. I just haven't been able to do it.

My main goal in life since childhood has been to create a safe and comforting home / relationship - the one I never had as a child. I have tried so hard to make this relationship into that, and it just won't work. I wish that as a 50 year old woman I didn't need to be cared for and comforted like a child, but there it is - I never got that, and I still am missing it. Giving up on this relationship is like giving up on ever getting that.

As if you can't tell, I am having a bit of a pity party here. Trying to get back on track to somewhere else.

Still Waters

I read here about "nurturing your inside child" or something like that. Taking care of that child in you that needs comforting and hugging and soothing words I mean. I haven't gotten that far yet myself.

I disagree. You know now that you cannot make this relationship into what you need, so moving on frees you to find what it is you do need - in yourself and in a mate.

Just FYI - my step-Father passed away a few years ago, my Mom was over 60 and I remember her saying that she'd never find anyone else, she was too old, who wants an old woman etc. Well, she did find someone else, and she's very very happy.

Pelican

Rose, I'm sorry that you did not receive the love, security and comfort you needed as a child.

I admire your goal of creating a safe and comforting life for yourself. I believe you still can.

I believe you can, just as I believe I can too. I'm 5 years younger than you. I am learning that the little girl in me has been craving love, security, and comfort for a long time. I kept wanting my relationship partners to give me what I needed. I kept hoping "this time will be different". I kept trying to make my partners see that my needs weren't being met.

As the analogy goes: I kept going to the hardware store and asking for a fresh loaf of bread. ugh!

You are loving and loveable!

Picture yourself as that little girl again. Hold her gently in your hands. See her in your hands? Your hands. Your loving hands are what she needs. Place her somewhere near your heart and take care of her.

Peace and ((hugs))

Rose56

Thank you for your kind words.
Still Waters, you are right somewhere inside I know that I can move on and create this peaceful, secure life for myself. And I do believe it is possible there is someone else out there that would be a partner - a partner in happiness, not make me happy - only I can do that.
Pelican, you are so right, it is my loving hands I need to count on.

Did you know when you choose the name Pelican, that the Pelican is a symbol of sacrifice? That a female Pelican will gouge flesh from her own breast to feed her young if there is no other food. Sometimes I think that is what I am trying to do, but not for my children - for my spouse. Not good.

Its only 10 am here, its going to be a long day. Trying not to burst into tears at work. I can make it, one hour at a time.

Pelican

Thank you for sharing the information about pelicans. I did not know that.

I chose Pelican because it was gender neutral. When I first came to SR, I came as a recovering alcoholic. I spent all my time in the Newcomers section and the Alcoholism section.

When I joined SR, I knew this about the brown Pelican of America: Most Pelican's die of starvation. That diving into the water to catch fish causes them to eventually go blind. They starve to death when they can not see to fish.

I knew that I did not want to starve to death because I was BLIND to my addiction.

You may be going through phases of grief. I remember prior to my divorce getting hit with waves of depression. It really sucked when they would hit while at work. I wonder how I made it through those days! I think my HP and friends that understood the grief process got me through. Sometimes I had to take a break and go to my car to cry.

Sometimes it is one minute at a time!