Here for my husband (long)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 48
Here for my husband (long)
Hello,
My husband and I lost our only child to suicide September 23, 2009. She was 21 years old. Since then our marriage seemed to deteriorate. We don't blame each other for the death. We just seem to be slipping away from each other and at times seem even cold. We've been married 26 years and have never had any problems. I've been numb though the entire tragedy and so was my husban until recently. For as long as we've been married, I've never seen him cry - not even for funerals or even during his fathers death. But with our daughters death it was quite different. No loss can compare to the loss of a child and he's feeling that. Since our loss, he's stopped going out with his friends and does nothing besides go to work.
On Saturday night, his friends called and invited him out for drinks. To my surprise, he agreed to go. He never drinks, if any he'll have 2 beers on the holidays and be done. I was happy for him though - he was finally getting out. So they left and I went to sleep. Next thing I know, one of his friends is shaking me awake at 5am. Apparently, when they were out drinking my husband started acting very weird. He talked freely about our daughter (something he wouldnt normally do, he still couldn't say her name though) and went on about how she had no right to end her life, how dare she leave us, she was too young and how he could of stopped her. He went on and said more but they couldn't understand him he was crying so heavily. They calmed him down and decided to go home but were conserned about my husband. He insured them he was alright and made it home. Sometime between then and 5am he found out his missed his meds for that day (blood pressure meds, diabetes, anxiety and others) and took them all. His friends were still concerend and went to check on him. The house was unlocked and they discovered him on the floor. He wouldn't wake up so they called 911 and woke me up.
He's fine afterwards... But his blood presure was so high it took 3 Nitroglycerins to bring it down. I've never seen him in this state before and it's quite scary.
Then on Monday, he decided to work in his garage. He hasn't done any work in there at all in a few months. He disappeared into the garage for a few hours, which is normal for him when he's working hard in there. He came back into the house stumbling and hanging onto the walls, slurring his words, rambling on and later on crying. Again, he talked about our daughter and how he can never forgive her for it. He talked about suicide and how he couldn't figure out why she did it. You think he would learn from his last expierence with drinking and the suffering he had to go through. He was still filling the ill affects from that "adventure". I've confronted him about it and he claims after a loss as big as this, he deserves a few drinks.
I am going to push counseling in a few days. I'm affraid it's only going to get worse. I can't stay married if it turns to that.
Too top it off, he also bought a 2 month old puppy without even telling me. We've never had a dog before. He just brought it home after work yesterday and just basically said he wanted a dog. Im shocked that he would even thought to have done this! He didnt even mention it. Its a border collie which was Victorias favorite breed. She loved animals and always talked about getting a border collie once she got her own place. Our neightbor had one years ago when she was about 4 years old and she loved the breed ever since. Apparently he found this dog online and went 25 miles out of his was to get it. I get the feeling he's been planing on getting the dog for sometime.
WTH is up with him?
My husband and I lost our only child to suicide September 23, 2009. She was 21 years old. Since then our marriage seemed to deteriorate. We don't blame each other for the death. We just seem to be slipping away from each other and at times seem even cold. We've been married 26 years and have never had any problems. I've been numb though the entire tragedy and so was my husban until recently. For as long as we've been married, I've never seen him cry - not even for funerals or even during his fathers death. But with our daughters death it was quite different. No loss can compare to the loss of a child and he's feeling that. Since our loss, he's stopped going out with his friends and does nothing besides go to work.
On Saturday night, his friends called and invited him out for drinks. To my surprise, he agreed to go. He never drinks, if any he'll have 2 beers on the holidays and be done. I was happy for him though - he was finally getting out. So they left and I went to sleep. Next thing I know, one of his friends is shaking me awake at 5am. Apparently, when they were out drinking my husband started acting very weird. He talked freely about our daughter (something he wouldnt normally do, he still couldn't say her name though) and went on about how she had no right to end her life, how dare she leave us, she was too young and how he could of stopped her. He went on and said more but they couldn't understand him he was crying so heavily. They calmed him down and decided to go home but were conserned about my husband. He insured them he was alright and made it home. Sometime between then and 5am he found out his missed his meds for that day (blood pressure meds, diabetes, anxiety and others) and took them all. His friends were still concerend and went to check on him. The house was unlocked and they discovered him on the floor. He wouldn't wake up so they called 911 and woke me up.
He's fine afterwards... But his blood presure was so high it took 3 Nitroglycerins to bring it down. I've never seen him in this state before and it's quite scary.
Then on Monday, he decided to work in his garage. He hasn't done any work in there at all in a few months. He disappeared into the garage for a few hours, which is normal for him when he's working hard in there. He came back into the house stumbling and hanging onto the walls, slurring his words, rambling on and later on crying. Again, he talked about our daughter and how he can never forgive her for it. He talked about suicide and how he couldn't figure out why she did it. You think he would learn from his last expierence with drinking and the suffering he had to go through. He was still filling the ill affects from that "adventure". I've confronted him about it and he claims after a loss as big as this, he deserves a few drinks.
I am going to push counseling in a few days. I'm affraid it's only going to get worse. I can't stay married if it turns to that.
Too top it off, he also bought a 2 month old puppy without even telling me. We've never had a dog before. He just brought it home after work yesterday and just basically said he wanted a dog. Im shocked that he would even thought to have done this! He didnt even mention it. Its a border collie which was Victorias favorite breed. She loved animals and always talked about getting a border collie once she got her own place. Our neightbor had one years ago when she was about 4 years old and she loved the breed ever since. Apparently he found this dog online and went 25 miles out of his was to get it. I get the feeling he's been planing on getting the dog for sometime.
WTH is up with him?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I am so very sorry for your loss and can't imagine the pain this would bring both of you.
We all grieve in our own way, some cope better than others and some need professional help to work through the emotions something as devastating as suicide would bring.
I hope you will both get counseling, and I hope he sees how dangerous it is to turn to a substance to mask the pain...or let it out.
Keeping you both in my prayers.
Hugs
We all grieve in our own way, some cope better than others and some need professional help to work through the emotions something as devastating as suicide would bring.
I hope you will both get counseling, and I hope he sees how dangerous it is to turn to a substance to mask the pain...or let it out.
Keeping you both in my prayers.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
I don't think you need to be concerned that he's turning into an alcoholic. I would guess he's just having an extremely difficult time dealing with the grief - and it is understandable.
I think counseling would be a good thing for both of you, but especially him. It seems many men have difficulty talking and expressing feelings, so he's acting typical if you consider that tendency. Do you have a clergy that you can call on to come and talk with the two of you?
The links the others provided are good suggestions.
My condolences to both of you.
I think counseling would be a good thing for both of you, but especially him. It seems many men have difficulty talking and expressing feelings, so he's acting typical if you consider that tendency. Do you have a clergy that you can call on to come and talk with the two of you?
The links the others provided are good suggestions.
My condolences to both of you.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
I have friends who lost a child, and it took them a long time to deal with their grief and recover. One group that was especially helpful for them was Compassionate Friends. It's a support group for parents who have lost a child, and there are chapters all over the US.
There are many here who understand your incredible pain and grief. Some have lost their child to suicide, others to murder or to overdose. I would guess some will stop by soon to offer their own experience, strength and hope.
This is a very difficult time for both of you, and I would guess the coming holiday season will be especially painful for you. I'm so very sorry for your loss. Hopefully you can both take advantage of and benefit from some grief counseling.
Hugs from mom to mom
There are many here who understand your incredible pain and grief. Some have lost their child to suicide, others to murder or to overdose. I would guess some will stop by soon to offer their own experience, strength and hope.
This is a very difficult time for both of you, and I would guess the coming holiday season will be especially painful for you. I'm so very sorry for your loss. Hopefully you can both take advantage of and benefit from some grief counseling.
Hugs from mom to mom
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I'm so sorry about your daughter. Please accept my deep sympathy.
I hope you are able to find counseling and support in your community. You are always welcome here and we're open 24/7.
(((hugs)))
I hope you are able to find counseling and support in your community. You are always welcome here and we're open 24/7.
(((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
I feel for you. This is a very recent tragedy. Less than two months.
I also feel for your husband. I think he is actively grieving. This can take time.
My father died at a very young age, it was tragic. He had six kids, was only 40.
People react strongly to an untimely death, and in a different way than if life had run its course. You and he both being parents, perhaps you were more aware of what lead her to make the choice to end her life? Maybe he was emotionally disconnected until then, and he is overwhelmed.
This seems far too early for both of you to be impatient with each other in regards to how you cope. I think grief counseling would be great for you both. And i think time will help some of these wounds find a place for healthier expression, as Im sure you know they will never fully go away.
I send you prayers and blessings. I hope you both find a way to let your grief be expressed and to find some measure of peace. In the meantime, be easy on yourself, and on your husband. This is a major blow. It will take some time to unravel. Please be good to your self.
I also feel for your husband. I think he is actively grieving. This can take time.
My father died at a very young age, it was tragic. He had six kids, was only 40.
People react strongly to an untimely death, and in a different way than if life had run its course. You and he both being parents, perhaps you were more aware of what lead her to make the choice to end her life? Maybe he was emotionally disconnected until then, and he is overwhelmed.
This seems far too early for both of you to be impatient with each other in regards to how you cope. I think grief counseling would be great for you both. And i think time will help some of these wounds find a place for healthier expression, as Im sure you know they will never fully go away.
I send you prayers and blessings. I hope you both find a way to let your grief be expressed and to find some measure of peace. In the meantime, be easy on yourself, and on your husband. This is a major blow. It will take some time to unravel. Please be good to your self.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I am so very sorry.
10 years ago my 20 year old son took his life, so I understand the pain, regrets and emptiness.
I was so depressed that I spent 3 months in my sister's basement and wouldn't even turn on lights, eat....nothing..I just sat there staring at the walls like a zombie. My XH did some acting out.
Your loss of your daughter is still very fresh. It is likely that the shock hasn't completely worn off yet...it sounds like your husband is in more pain than he knows how to deal with.
I know that I didn't feel like talking to people at all, I was in my own bubble of pain and did some strange seeming things that I needed to do for me as self-protection.
That is really frightening about your husband taking all his pills. That behavior sounds like he may be at risk for self-harm.
And, yes, the Holidays are especially painful.
I hope that you all can get professional help. It would not be uncommon to need medications to help with the depression.
I think I would put his pills away where he doesn't have access to all of them and simply tell him that you are afraid of losing him....and just put out the ones he needs on a daily basis.
I am so sorry for this heartbreak.
I hope you will feel welcome here, as there are so many wonderful supportive folks.
hugs,
live
10 years ago my 20 year old son took his life, so I understand the pain, regrets and emptiness.
I was so depressed that I spent 3 months in my sister's basement and wouldn't even turn on lights, eat....nothing..I just sat there staring at the walls like a zombie. My XH did some acting out.
Your loss of your daughter is still very fresh. It is likely that the shock hasn't completely worn off yet...it sounds like your husband is in more pain than he knows how to deal with.
I know that I didn't feel like talking to people at all, I was in my own bubble of pain and did some strange seeming things that I needed to do for me as self-protection.
That is really frightening about your husband taking all his pills. That behavior sounds like he may be at risk for self-harm.
And, yes, the Holidays are especially painful.
I hope that you all can get professional help. It would not be uncommon to need medications to help with the depression.
I think I would put his pills away where he doesn't have access to all of them and simply tell him that you are afraid of losing him....and just put out the ones he needs on a daily basis.
I am so sorry for this heartbreak.
I hope you will feel welcome here, as there are so many wonderful supportive folks.
hugs,
live
When Pigs Fly
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: california
Posts: 894
Welcome to SR this a wounderful family, it has saved my life many times.
I do not have much to add, I'm so sorry you lost your daughter and now having to deal with your husband.. It is a verry hard time right now. For the both of you. I do not know how I would deal with the loss of one of my children. I do think that out counseling will do wounders.
Thoughts and prayers,
Kermmie
I do not have much to add, I'm so sorry you lost your daughter and now having to deal with your husband.. It is a verry hard time right now. For the both of you. I do not know how I would deal with the loss of one of my children. I do think that out counseling will do wounders.
Thoughts and prayers,
Kermmie
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 48
Hello,
Thank you all for responding to my post....
I've never been to counseling and neither has my husband so it'll be new for us both. A family member suggested we go to the same therapist that my daughter went too. She’s had many, but I was thinking of going to her last one. I've spoke to her a few times but since my daughter was over 18, she couldn't give me a lot of info on her. She did insure me that Victoria wasnt suicidal when she talked to her 5 months prior to her death.
I'm not sure my husband will go to counseling. He's more use to keeping his thoughts and feelings to himself. I guess I’m quite similar as I was completely numb and emotionless when my daughter first died.
I guess it is too early to worry about hin turning into an alcoholic but the changes in him and habits are scaring me.
Thank you all for responding to my post....
I've never been to counseling and neither has my husband so it'll be new for us both. A family member suggested we go to the same therapist that my daughter went too. She’s had many, but I was thinking of going to her last one. I've spoke to her a few times but since my daughter was over 18, she couldn't give me a lot of info on her. She did insure me that Victoria wasnt suicidal when she talked to her 5 months prior to her death.
I'm not sure my husband will go to counseling. He's more use to keeping his thoughts and feelings to himself. I guess I’m quite similar as I was completely numb and emotionless when my daughter first died.
I guess it is too early to worry about hin turning into an alcoholic but the changes in him and habits are scaring me.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
Hi there
My heart goes out to you reading your thread and I am so sorry about the loss of your beautiful daughter. I lost my best friend to suicide 2 and a half years ago and It really was and still is at times unbearable. It took me a good 18 months to really grieve for her and even now I still have my bad days BUT I can now also look back at the many wonderful times we had and smile......and I still talk to her!......I went to grief counselling which was immensly helpful - I found it was somewhere I could dump everything freely and cry and just feel the pain and somehow work with it/through it whatever and however I felt.....slowly but surely the sun came out again in my life and I wish for you both the very same.
It no doubt will be a painful road......sucide has many victims sadly. This is a great place to be and I hope you both manage to find some comfort eventually. I look forward to hearing more about you and in the meantime I wish you some peace and comfort and I am so so sorry for your loss. May your daughter RIP....................Phiz
My heart goes out to you reading your thread and I am so sorry about the loss of your beautiful daughter. I lost my best friend to suicide 2 and a half years ago and It really was and still is at times unbearable. It took me a good 18 months to really grieve for her and even now I still have my bad days BUT I can now also look back at the many wonderful times we had and smile......and I still talk to her!......I went to grief counselling which was immensly helpful - I found it was somewhere I could dump everything freely and cry and just feel the pain and somehow work with it/through it whatever and however I felt.....slowly but surely the sun came out again in my life and I wish for you both the very same.
It no doubt will be a painful road......sucide has many victims sadly. This is a great place to be and I hope you both manage to find some comfort eventually. I look forward to hearing more about you and in the meantime I wish you some peace and comfort and I am so so sorry for your loss. May your daughter RIP....................Phiz
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 234
Nightmare 21, how are you doing? I am a mother and cannot allow myself to imagine the emotions you must be experiencing.
I hope that you both can be kind to yourselves and eventually find some peace. Given that you've experienced the unimaginable, I don't have words of wisdom. Just sympathy.
I hope that you both can be kind to yourselves and eventually find some peace. Given that you've experienced the unimaginable, I don't have words of wisdom. Just sympathy.
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
I am sooooooo sorry for your loss.
I just lost my Mom on Nov 6 and i am the saddest I have ever been in my life and I know I am have some depression. Even though she was 76 we lived together except for 6 months of my life which I believe is why it is harder, and because my Mom is the first really close person in my life to die and after years of living together she was also my intimate friend. She was a live in Grandma in my household, one of my son's is depressed too. In my situation i have even considered going to a grieving support group . I can barely fathom what you and your husband are going through with it being your child with the addition of it being a suicide.
How are you?
As for your husband there has been lots of good advice and suggestions in this thread from others. It sounds as if he is definitely in a deep depression and needs some intervening help ASAP. It is understandable, but yes, he is still making choices that are not good because of his grief and you have every right to be concerned for the effects to himself and to others.
My sister seriously attempted suicided a number of times but never succeeded. I know even without her succeeding my Mom went through depression with feelings of what she could have done better or how much she did wrong, even though mentally she knew it was my sisters choice. Your husband maybe mad at your daughter but he may be going through beating up on himself too. It appears he may need more outside help then he understand. For example: you came here on your own, over him. He may need a helping hand to even lead him to understand he needs the help of others to get through this.
Just some of my thoughts from someone who is still raw in grief and still mourning myself.
My prayers will be lifted up for you and your husband at this time. I am so sorry for your loss and pray for your comfort. Jesus said, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."
I wonder if your husband would take any comfort from reading this thread directly himself, knowing of your concern and that there are others here who understand his and your deep loss...??? I was comforted by this thread myself, so I will add my thank you that you started it and for those who responded, thank you.
love tammy
I just lost my Mom on Nov 6 and i am the saddest I have ever been in my life and I know I am have some depression. Even though she was 76 we lived together except for 6 months of my life which I believe is why it is harder, and because my Mom is the first really close person in my life to die and after years of living together she was also my intimate friend. She was a live in Grandma in my household, one of my son's is depressed too. In my situation i have even considered going to a grieving support group . I can barely fathom what you and your husband are going through with it being your child with the addition of it being a suicide.
How are you?
As for your husband there has been lots of good advice and suggestions in this thread from others. It sounds as if he is definitely in a deep depression and needs some intervening help ASAP. It is understandable, but yes, he is still making choices that are not good because of his grief and you have every right to be concerned for the effects to himself and to others.
My sister seriously attempted suicided a number of times but never succeeded. I know even without her succeeding my Mom went through depression with feelings of what she could have done better or how much she did wrong, even though mentally she knew it was my sisters choice. Your husband maybe mad at your daughter but he may be going through beating up on himself too. It appears he may need more outside help then he understand. For example: you came here on your own, over him. He may need a helping hand to even lead him to understand he needs the help of others to get through this.
Just some of my thoughts from someone who is still raw in grief and still mourning myself.
My prayers will be lifted up for you and your husband at this time. I am so sorry for your loss and pray for your comfort. Jesus said, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."
I wonder if your husband would take any comfort from reading this thread directly himself, knowing of your concern and that there are others here who understand his and your deep loss...??? I was comforted by this thread myself, so I will add my thank you that you started it and for those who responded, thank you.
love tammy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hello and welcome-
i lost a friend to suicide. for myself, i went camping on the beach for a few months to get my center back. i believe in god and that the soul lives on and that death is just a change of form. i needed to reflect on that and trust in god's goodness and mercy. that is what brought the peace back for me.
as for your husband, i am no expert, but we all handle grief differently. since he's a non-drinker essentially, it is likely that the alcohol went straight to his head. i think it's good that he felt loose enough to cry and speak to his friend's. i also find it a good sign that he got a puppy!
it appears that right now, he feels comfortable (with alcohol) talking to his male friends. i don't think i would be worried about him becoming an alcoholic.
alcohol does loosen the prison bars a bit.
perhaps it would be serve his healing to encourage him to go out with his friend's and maybe solicit their assistance. obviously, you don't want a repeat of over-doing the alcohol but ask them to keep an eye on him. and i wonder if he was drinking spirits? if so, beer and wine might do the job without the damage.
just my two cents. i am sorry for your loss and like everyone else here, i want to welcome you and even though your man is not an alcoholic, we are here to listen and invite you to join us in any way you feel to.
naive
i lost a friend to suicide. for myself, i went camping on the beach for a few months to get my center back. i believe in god and that the soul lives on and that death is just a change of form. i needed to reflect on that and trust in god's goodness and mercy. that is what brought the peace back for me.
as for your husband, i am no expert, but we all handle grief differently. since he's a non-drinker essentially, it is likely that the alcohol went straight to his head. i think it's good that he felt loose enough to cry and speak to his friend's. i also find it a good sign that he got a puppy!
it appears that right now, he feels comfortable (with alcohol) talking to his male friends. i don't think i would be worried about him becoming an alcoholic.
alcohol does loosen the prison bars a bit.
perhaps it would be serve his healing to encourage him to go out with his friend's and maybe solicit their assistance. obviously, you don't want a repeat of over-doing the alcohol but ask them to keep an eye on him. and i wonder if he was drinking spirits? if so, beer and wine might do the job without the damage.
just my two cents. i am sorry for your loss and like everyone else here, i want to welcome you and even though your man is not an alcoholic, we are here to listen and invite you to join us in any way you feel to.
naive
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