the hole

Old 11-17-2009, 09:09 AM
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the hole

Hello all, don't know if you remember me, Kotabear, been working alot lately, harvest time ya know! But with this rain coming from the east, which is just odd!!! I had a moment to post, and have been wanting to badly!!!



So here I go.

How many of you know your not alone? that so many people are going threw the same thing? YET, YET, with all the friends, and family, co-worker's we see or talk to in a day, how many of you feel a lonely void?



I feel that way lately. I can't help but still love and miss my X after all the hard times.

A bit of a up date on him: He went down to the bigger town 50 miles south of my home. He lived in his car for a few days, then got a voucher from the salvation army to stay in a run down motel for 30 days, that is the end of this week. He's gotten 2 part-time jobs in the past week or so, and he get's a check this week, yet it won't be enough for an apartment just yet, have to wait for another pay check.

Course last week, I went down, to do my shopping, 50 miles away, verse the 12 miles I could have droven.... Just to see him, and let him see the girls. I felt bad cause he had no shampoo, laundry soap, or dish soap, he was washing things in the tub, with cheap bar soap... I bought those for him, and gave him some food. Then sunday i called in the morning, thought the girls could say good morning, he didn't answer and my mind raced, the next morning I called, he had been at work!

I just feel a void, long for have my soulmate, be the way I had hoped for... to not drink to his past, to be happy with me and our children... I long for it so much it hurts at times.... and I'm really really trying to find my inner peace, and don't get me wrong, I do have a good life, just inside myself... there is a hole.

I go to work, and go home, take care of my girls.... once in a while go out with my friends, but knowing they are going home to thier husband, to snuggle kills me.

I have a tuff time believe people anymore, when I guy tells me I'm the girl for him... I'm sure there is yet another knocking on the back door as I'm thinking about walking in the front.

Just guess I wanted to say hello, and let everyone know they are not alone, that I'm hear, I want to be heard.... unlike work, where I feel I'm in a corner, and not really important.

I know my kids love me to death, and I do them the same, but the love from a mate, is so much longed for me!

Thanks,
Kota
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Old 11-17-2009, 09:16 AM
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I've learned that hole can never be filled by someone else. They will never be everything I want and need. It's the same hole the alcoholic tries to fill with alcohol. And it never works. Always leads to more pain.

I just posted these two quotes on another thread. Seems appropriate here, too.

Codependency is about having a dysfunctional relationship with self. With our own bodies, minds, emotions, and spirits. With our own gender and sexuality. With being human. Because we have dysfunctional relationships internally we have dysfunctional relationships externally. We try to fill the hole we feel inside of our self with something or someone outside of us - it does not work.

It is so much easier to accept life as it is and make the best of it - there is a catch however. When we accept reality, and let go of trying to force our will on life and other people, there are feelings to deal with. One of the reasons we keep trying to control someone else (to get an alcoholic to stop drinking for instance) is because with all that frustration and anger, mental obsession and rumination, we don't have time to stop and feel how much it hurts, or how scared we are, or feel the grief of letting that other person go. The reason we try to control other people is to protect ourselves from our feelings - and it is important to admit that. Of course we want what is "right" for them, what is good for them - but we don't know what their "right" path is. Some people are supposed to die of Alcoholism - that is their path.
--Robert Burney
My therapist helped me figure out how to fill that hole from inside. Have you tried counseling or therapy?

L
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Old 11-17-2009, 09:19 AM
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I went to a few session's, then I quit! My doctor/midwife, tell me to try again, but I have yet to find the time.

don't get me wrong my job is not the problem.... I like my job, good benift's, good pay, overtime once in the year, bonus'.... I work with 11 people, all men, but one, and she's kind of a queen be, and is having an affair with one of the guys so she's very absorbed into him.... that's all.
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Old 11-17-2009, 09:26 AM
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Originally Posted by kotabear View Post
I went to a few session's, then I quit! My doctor/midwife, tell me to try again, but I have yet to find the time.
Maybe you could use the time you spend driving to see him, buying him things, and obsessing about him.

L
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Old 11-17-2009, 09:34 AM
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thanks for that 1st post! I really needed that! :ghug3
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Old 11-17-2009, 10:18 AM
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Originally Posted by kotabear View Post
I just feel a void, long for have my soulmate, be the way I had hoped for... to not drink to his past, to be happy with me and our children... I long for it so much it hurts at times.... and I'm really really trying to find my inner peace, and don't get me wrong, I do have a good life, just inside myself... there is a hole.
Kota
*hugs*

No matter how many people feel like this, we still get to go through it by ourselves. I feel that hole, and I'm afraid I'm going to live another 40 years with it. I can't imagine ever living with my former husband again, but I can't imagine having the same kind of relationship with anyone else either. I kind of feel like that part of me got used up in my marriage.

Sure, there are other men out there that I'm attracted to, companionship is not a problem if I don't want it to be. I have a boyfriend whom I care about very much, and it's mutual, but it hasn't filled up the void one bit. He and I went on a vacation one time, and it was great, right up to the point where we drove past a campground where my former husband and I and our baby had gone camping when things were good. I looked out the window so I could bawl without him seeing it.

I have a couple of friends who have recovered from losing their husbands, one to divorce and the other to a brain tumor, who have moved on to new relationships that they're glowingly happy in. But I'm not one of them. I've actually done better to accept that about myself than to try to force myself to get out there and shop for a new soul mate. I'm not ready, I may never be ready-- I don't know. OK, so be it. We lose things as we get older, that's what life does to us.

I have inner peace and a great life; I'm a lot happier than I ever was when I was married, I have a lot more friends and am training for a better job, my daughter and I have a great relationship. I have a boyfriend who doesn't drink or lie-- and no matter how much I miss my former husband, to be able to trust my SO feels fabulous. I wasn't crazy, or too demanding, or have standards that were too high. This is how relationships are supposed to be.

I know exactly what you're talking about There are lots of us out there... treat yourself well, especially during the holidays, don't let the void eat you up.

BG
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