I'm sorry but I need to vent
learning to live for me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: East Coast, US
Posts: 215
I'm sorry but I need to vent
My rbf has been clean for nine months. Today in my Substance Abuse class (I'm in grad school) we were sharing our thoughts and experiences about loving someone with an addiction. A few talked about gambling and I shared my uneasy-ness with my rbf's love of lottery instant scratch tickets. When I said he spent about $20/week, everyone gasped. This one older woman in my class told me "As a counselor, I couldn't say what I'm about to. But as your friend, Don't Marry Him".
She knows nothing about my life. I know a little about hers and personally I think she's a huge hypocrite. She has played the 'poor me' card all semester because her husband, an M.D., lost his license due to writing opiate pain med scrips for himself. He's out of rehab now and she gives TMI about how life is not the same and its just so hard and she's so scared for her sons when they go to college and blah blah blah. But then she smiles when telling her stories about tripping on acid in college and meeting Ram Dass back in the day as a waitress in LA when she was jacked up on coke and hash so she doesn't remember much.
I confronted my BF tonight about his lottery tickets and just told him it concerns me that he spends so much money on them. That I didn't know where the line is drawn b/t fun and a problem and that it activates the same centers in the brain (reward pathway) and actions (dopamine release) that drugs do. I told him I didn't want to be preachy but also didn't want to see him developing another problem. That he was going to be 33 next month and needed to look at his spending behaviors.
He got quiet and said he would "try" and "Get it together" which are the same statements he made as a crackhead.
I flew back into instant codie b*tch mode and wanted to provoke a fight. Negative attention is better than none at all, right?
He wouldn't say anything except "I love you" so I said "I love you too" and said goodnight and hung up the phone.
I don't know what to do. I don't even know who or what I'm mad at.
Perhaps myself because I can't let the past be the past and let all the painful things rbf said and did go?
Maybe @ him for being human? Wanting to have fun on something? I feel like a hypocrite because what about the pair of shoes I bought? Or the massage? Isn't that different though, because its tangible? Its not gambling. Can you gamble responsibly? I don't know..
This weekend has been really emotionally trying since I was treated for chemical inhalation. It basically burnt my lungs and breathing has been laborious and painful. I can't see my family b/c they live too far away and I just want a hug and emotional support right now. Its been really scary what I've gone through and I'm hurting.
Hurting people hurt other people.
Its so true.
She knows nothing about my life. I know a little about hers and personally I think she's a huge hypocrite. She has played the 'poor me' card all semester because her husband, an M.D., lost his license due to writing opiate pain med scrips for himself. He's out of rehab now and she gives TMI about how life is not the same and its just so hard and she's so scared for her sons when they go to college and blah blah blah. But then she smiles when telling her stories about tripping on acid in college and meeting Ram Dass back in the day as a waitress in LA when she was jacked up on coke and hash so she doesn't remember much.
I confronted my BF tonight about his lottery tickets and just told him it concerns me that he spends so much money on them. That I didn't know where the line is drawn b/t fun and a problem and that it activates the same centers in the brain (reward pathway) and actions (dopamine release) that drugs do. I told him I didn't want to be preachy but also didn't want to see him developing another problem. That he was going to be 33 next month and needed to look at his spending behaviors.
He got quiet and said he would "try" and "Get it together" which are the same statements he made as a crackhead.
I flew back into instant codie b*tch mode and wanted to provoke a fight. Negative attention is better than none at all, right?
He wouldn't say anything except "I love you" so I said "I love you too" and said goodnight and hung up the phone.
I don't know what to do. I don't even know who or what I'm mad at.
Perhaps myself because I can't let the past be the past and let all the painful things rbf said and did go?
Maybe @ him for being human? Wanting to have fun on something? I feel like a hypocrite because what about the pair of shoes I bought? Or the massage? Isn't that different though, because its tangible? Its not gambling. Can you gamble responsibly? I don't know..
This weekend has been really emotionally trying since I was treated for chemical inhalation. It basically burnt my lungs and breathing has been laborious and painful. I can't see my family b/c they live too far away and I just want a hug and emotional support right now. Its been really scary what I've gone through and I'm hurting.
Hurting people hurt other people.
Its so true.
Taking Baby Steps to Sanity
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Fremont, CA
Posts: 13
You do need to vent... and I hear ya.
Can I say something about the women whom you dont want to take advice from because you judge what she has told you? She did the wrong things. She has the problem you dont want. Take her advice to heart. She is really trying to be caring and honest with you.
Gambling is bad news.
My ex husband was a gambler and ran up 90 k a year in debt because he was OCD with buying things as well. Gambling was how he claimed he would cover what he spent. It was just another source of loss of funds, time, energy.
He went bankrupt 1.5 years after our divorce was final. He told me how happy he was that his bankruptcy lawyer told him that he would start getting credit offers in the mail within 3 months.
I found that detaching with love and not trying to solve his problem was the best thing I could do for both of us.
- Susan
Can I say something about the women whom you dont want to take advice from because you judge what she has told you? She did the wrong things. She has the problem you dont want. Take her advice to heart. She is really trying to be caring and honest with you.
Gambling is bad news.
My ex husband was a gambler and ran up 90 k a year in debt because he was OCD with buying things as well. Gambling was how he claimed he would cover what he spent. It was just another source of loss of funds, time, energy.
He went bankrupt 1.5 years after our divorce was final. He told me how happy he was that his bankruptcy lawyer told him that he would start getting credit offers in the mail within 3 months.
I found that detaching with love and not trying to solve his problem was the best thing I could do for both of us.
- Susan
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Your vent makes sense to me, I think addiction has made us aware of behaviours that go with it, and when the drugs stop, the behaviours sometimes continue.
I don't know if he can afford $20 a week, there are other habits that cost the same or more (like smoking) and although not healthy, we tend to accept them because it's not using drugs.
Something about this triggers your codie response, even if you keep it to yourself. Maybe it's because his focus is not on what normal focus in a relationship would be.
What is he bringing to this relationship? Do the good things outweigh the bad? Are you doing all the work? These are all good questions to ask yourself when deciding if this is working for you.
You didn't ask for advice, so I'm not going to give any, just sharing my thoughts.
Sending big hugs because you sound like you can use a few.
I don't know if he can afford $20 a week, there are other habits that cost the same or more (like smoking) and although not healthy, we tend to accept them because it's not using drugs.
Something about this triggers your codie response, even if you keep it to yourself. Maybe it's because his focus is not on what normal focus in a relationship would be.
What is he bringing to this relationship? Do the good things outweigh the bad? Are you doing all the work? These are all good questions to ask yourself when deciding if this is working for you.
You didn't ask for advice, so I'm not going to give any, just sharing my thoughts.
Sending big hugs because you sound like you can use a few.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
I agree with the statement that something in that conversation triggered this response.
Our job is to try and pinpoint the trigger, and see if its something we can move past.
Many people would feel that $20 is an understandable guilty pleasure, as long as the budget isn't stretched and it doesn't eventually cause problems for the both of you.
However, if it bothers you, and you have decided its unaccpetable, you have that right. You deserve to be with someone that shares your same values and beliefs. That doesn't mean we can change someone into exactly what we want, and I'm not sure I would want the responsibility for changing someone in that way.
If its important to you (not the group or that woman you mentioned) than you were right in addressing it.
It may be fear of the unknown thats speaking.
(((Hugs)))
Our job is to try and pinpoint the trigger, and see if its something we can move past.
Many people would feel that $20 is an understandable guilty pleasure, as long as the budget isn't stretched and it doesn't eventually cause problems for the both of you.
However, if it bothers you, and you have decided its unaccpetable, you have that right. You deserve to be with someone that shares your same values and beliefs. That doesn't mean we can change someone into exactly what we want, and I'm not sure I would want the responsibility for changing someone in that way.
If its important to you (not the group or that woman you mentioned) than you were right in addressing it.
It may be fear of the unknown thats speaking.
(((Hugs)))
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
At 18 months sober I married an alcoholic with 4 years of Sobriety. Before our first anniversay it became apparent that there was another problem. What started out at $10 a week in lottery had increased to $30 or more a week.
Then he managed to get transferred to Nevada so we moved. At 6 years sober I divorced him. He had changed addictions and all the behaviors of lying, stealing, disappearing were there.
Today and for a long time now I choose not to have 'Toxic' people in my life. I don't like roller coasters anymore, or doing the addition dance, or having an elephant in the room that no one talks about. I like my peace and serenity.
You too have that choice.
This as you know is a very safe place to vent. So vent away.
Now what are you doing for you? You are the only one you can fix.
Love and hugs,
Then he managed to get transferred to Nevada so we moved. At 6 years sober I divorced him. He had changed addictions and all the behaviors of lying, stealing, disappearing were there.
Today and for a long time now I choose not to have 'Toxic' people in my life. I don't like roller coasters anymore, or doing the addition dance, or having an elephant in the room that no one talks about. I like my peace and serenity.
You too have that choice.
This as you know is a very safe place to vent. So vent away.
Now what are you doing for you? You are the only one you can fix.
Love and hugs,
learning to live for me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: East Coast, US
Posts: 215
Since he's been clean I have been really happy with him. We have grown so close together and he is working his program of recovery in a way that works for him. Its not important that he do it like I think he should. But you are right, I'm afraid of the unknown. I'm afraid that it could get worse. Perhaps it never will. Perhaps he'll stop this week because I asked him to. Or perhaps he'll get worse and do it behind my back.
I don't know.
I'm just afraid because things are going so well between us and I feel so happy that we've gotten back together since he's been clean.
I didn't expect this, and I'm just torn all to pieces.
Thank you for all of your love and hugs. I'm crying so I'll write more later.
I don't know.
I'm just afraid because things are going so well between us and I feel so happy that we've gotten back together since he's been clean.
I didn't expect this, and I'm just torn all to pieces.
Thank you for all of your love and hugs. I'm crying so I'll write more later.
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