Aysha

Ok, so those of you who know me, know I have fought tooth and nail about this 12 step thing. But at this point I am willing to do anything.
Funny that I ordered the NA text from a book swapping site a couple weeks ago. Maybe the signs were there and I didnt relize it.
But I still believe everything happens for a reason. So maybe something was preparing me for what has happened the past couple days.

I really hate bringing up program thread. Because it seems they get all bent and turn into arguments. PLEASE DONT TURN THIS THREAD INTO THAT!!
I am starting tis thread to get some insight. This is not a debate!

I am wondering how some of you got to where you connected with the steps. I have a hard time with the sirituality of it all. And step 4 has eluded me for a long time. And I dont even want to think about step 9.

I know I need to find a sponsor. But that is also an issue for me. I have a hard time feeling comfortable just calling random people with my BS. And all this drama I hear about in meetings. I hate drama and dont take well to it.
How did you get to where you committed to going to meetings. I ahve always felt it as an inconcnience. A waste of gas. Cause there is only one meeting a week by me. The rest are in the city I get high in. I cant go there!

But mostly I have a hard time letting go of the control freak in me. And swallowing my pride and the whole calling people thing.

GotItFirstTime

The word is CONVINCED. "being conviced" , am I convinced, can I become convinced. It all comes easy once " we are convinced " that any life ran on self-will is destructive. Forget the steps, forget the sponsor, forget the meetings, it is all usless if you are not "convinced" that your way of life is destroying you! Are you willing, or can you become willing to accept that there are things you cannot explain? A thunder storm, a tornado, a rainbow. There is something larger than yourself and that is what life is really all about, not you, yours or yourself. We must admit to our inner-most-self that we are addicts and our life is unmanagable - We are indeed "convinced" we are an addict. It all starts there.

Aysha

I have no problem admitting I am an addict. I know that. I am positive of it. But the self will is where it gets complicated for me. I dont like letting go of the controls. Even when I know I am wrong. But being a crack addict you dont have any control anyway. I know I cant do this my way. I am learning that there is something greater than me. There has to be. I stopped questioning how things happen in that aspect for a little while now. I just learned to go with it and be thankful for the most part. It doesnt matter to me who, what or why. But something has kept me here trying. And thats all that matters right now.

Mark75

Aysha... Don't worry about step 4 and 9... The steps are in order for a reason. What is in front of you is steps 2 and 3.... don't look further than you have to. When it's time, it'll be time and you'll be properly equipped to deal with them as they come....

Hang in there... I really said a prayer for you when I read your other thread about the weekend.

Mark

GotItFirstTime

Admitting you are an addict and admitting you cannot do it your way are two totally different things. One admission comes from self concern the other comes from self control. Control of any sort is an illusion and until you are "convinced' of that then you will wallo in the messy bog called self. Why do you think the spiritual principle of step one is honesty? Honesty admit what? YOUR WAY DOES NOT WORK! Everything else follows that. And until you are "convinced that your way does NOT work, no 2nd step, no 3rd step and no 12 X 12 is going to help you. Addict yes, convinced no! The place where you must go is page 60-61-62-63 of the Big Book. Just after the ABCs and just before the 3rd step prayer! It says CONVINCED 3 times. If you are not convinced of all that is written there.......your on step 1! Period! and have nowhere else to go but there until you are " convinced ". As I said before, forget the steps, forget a sponsor, forget an inventory until you are "convinced"

Aysha

I am pretty sure I am convinced I cant do it alone or my way. I know that.
I just need to stop doing it. Just like using. I know its bad and where it goes but yet I still do it.

I dont have to be convinced of any of that.
I already am and have been.

I ordered a book from a swapping site. Its the NA text. Is that the main book for NA? Like the big book?

nogard

Just do it Trish, you cant get well thinking about it, it takes some action. First get to meetings, lots of them.

nogard

If we break a leg, we dont think about how it will heal we get our bums to a hospital and get it seen too.

Same with our addiction, if we have the desire to stop then we put down the drugs and take the appropiate action rather than figure out how it will work.

Even at the age of 58 I still cannot see over the top of a hill or around corners, I have to go take a look if I want to know whats there.

So if your ready Trish put em down ask for help and then take the help offered.

Aysha

Yes sir. I am ready.

brother

An understanding of the solution helped keep me clean/dry but it was no substitute for the experience I enjoyed, at a gut level, after finally working on 4 & 5. I had no idea what I was missing, though I regularly attended meetings, read recovery books and listened to stuff like the Joe&Charley audio set. Step 3 was just a decision, repeating the step3 prayer was a hollow experience. I felt alone, until completing step5 -then -WOW! (as a bonus, I found steps 6, 7 & 8 were pushovers).

chrisinaustin

In the actual process, it looks less like taking your hands of the wheel and more like getting the best GPS there is installed. And trusting it will take you where you need to go. And then driving with insight rather than on instinct.

elliebean

i'm not spiritual in the least.. and i dont have a "faith".... so my daughter is my "higher power".. because she makes me want to better myself and do good.

IMO, choose something that means the world to you.... even use yourself as your higher power... and use that to keep you going.

good luck!