Aysha

I have completely destroyed my life.
Not even 24 hours more like 15.
I am back to where I always end up.
I knew it was coming. I didnt try and stop it like I should have. Still trying to do it my way.
No job, Somehow there is missing money at work and for once I have no idea what they are talking about. But thats not why I have no job. I cant get to work now. Got my tires slashed too. So no more vehicle. I am just going to junk it. I have been working on getting this dam lapband done for almost 2 years. I am scheduled for surgery Dec 7th. Now thats not going to happen.

Everything was perfect. EVERYTHING! I dont understand it. How can someone that has so much going for them still want to go do that ****??!!
I dont understand!
Its my fault. I didnt work a program. I am always so focused on what I dont like or connect with that I dont even really give it a chance.

I feel so sick right now. My heart is racing. I cant believe this. I can but I cant.

Am I done? I want to be. I hope so.

I just dont get what the he!! keeps pulling me back. I have done the best I have ever done in my life in a matter of like 6 mos at least. Everything was falling into place. And I get right there to where it is all smooth and I am established again with a good relaible rep at my job, at home. Nothing is wrong. WHY??!!

What makes me continue to do this to myself? I know its wrong, I know where it will lead. I know but it doesnt matter when that beast is screaming. Somehow I rationalize that I can maintain for a moment and I end up going off the deep end worse than before.

I dont even know why I am here telling you all this. I am not looking for sympathy. I am just owning up. Being honest and putting it where it matters in my eyes that I screwed up. I dont know crap. I didnt do things the way I should have because I was too hung up on my own personal opinions of how things work. Truth is I dont know how any of this works. Not addiciton, not recovery.

I am checking into mental health in the next couple days. And I am going in with every medical mental issue I can think of so they will send me to inpatient. Last time I kept telling them I wasnt depressed and things like that. So they felt like I was not medically eligible. I just want to fade out. Not suicidal. I just wish I could close my eyes and never wake up.
I am so tired. I dont know how much more I can take. I am my own worst enemy. I need to lose the freakin attitude and ego and just give in. I am not special.

Time is ticking. People are getting older. My father is bleeding in his throat and stuff. My gram has hardening on one side of her heart. I am going to be left regretting all this and it will take me out.

I dont want to be like this anymore. I just dont know why I do this. Why would I want to be in misery when my life is so wonderful? I have the best family, I have been making real friends. Even sparked an interest in a real guy for the first time in years. A nice guy. And he likes me too. But we havent done anything more than just talk crap back and forth. I wouldnt go further because I dont want to taint his life with my BS. I got alot of **** with me. I have a past and a present that is horrifying. How do you tell someone that stuff? How do you not?

I killed the perfect life I made for myself. For the first time I did it by myself for myself. And I let that **** get me. I let it. Let it rob me of everything in a matter of hours.

I need to get help. I need to surrender and accept that I need to do whatever it taes, whether I like it or not, Whether I believe in it or not. Millions of people cant be wrong..Right? Something is right when all those people who work a program get and stay clean.

I dont want to be alone like this.

Mariposa18

I don't know what to say Sweetie~ Just know I'm here to listen

ANGELINA243

Surrender and willingness are 2 key things....sounds like you have both. If we as addicts don't surrender to some type of recovery, then we surrender (in a sense) to our addiction and it wins. Glad to hear you have a plan of action. You are special and you are loved by many. We do recover.

Dee74

I always worry 'bout you when you disappear.
I'm so glad you're back and in one piece, T.

Yep - your way's just not working, is it?
it really is time to try something else - something new Trish.

D

littlefish

At my monday meeting a guy broke down and said he ruined everything. He has been in and out of the rooms of AA for about 3 years. He goes for about 6 months and then loses it. He had a pretty bad relapse and missed an important business trip and crashed his car. He was heartbroken and felt utterly defeated.
But, another guy in the room said he was in and out of AA for five years and couldn't seem to get it right. But he did get it right one day and now he is sober 11 years. I know alcohol is not your doc but I think the mental obsession and addiction patterns are pretty similar.
There are success stories in every room of NA and AA and here on SR: keep trying, don't give up!

But you might be right: you have been trying to do it alone, if I am correct. Maybe it is time to find love, support and structure with a program?
There is a lot of love and support in the rooms.

RohnertWestfiel

Aysha my heart goes out to you. it sounds like you and I have simular habits. When my life is crazy, stressful and hectic i tend to want to drink but am able to fight it. but when I'm happy and life gets on track from the last bender I think I can do it. It's the happy time in my life that are starting to scare me. thanks for sharing and please stay in touch!

Aysha

I just dont understand. I just want to understand why I keep doing this.
I could understnd if things were going wrong. But nothing has been going bad at all. Things have been going like 100% perfect.

I am going to have to call my father tomorrow to help get my van towed from over there. 4 flats. Came close to getting stabbed again.
I freakin lost it. I was on turbo fiend mode.

I am so scraed they are going to turn me away from treatment again. Or make me leave in 5 days again. Thats another thing I dont understand. How can they say I dont fit criteria for treatment? Insurance companies. Do they need a freakin body before they get it?
My father was court mandated to 1 yr in rehab for alcohol. That or jail. Do I have to go rob a bank to get help? Hurt someone or myself seriously?
I would never do that but wtf?
I know I am a very extreme case. I have seen people not nearly as bad as me get long stays in treatment. I am glad anyone who goes gets it regardlesss. But you get what I mean.
Its not like people are making me go. I want to go!!! I am screaming for freakin help and they turn their backs on me.
So honestly I am going in mental health suicidal and depressed. I have to do something to get their attention. If I dont get help, I will die. Not jail, dead.
I dont know if I could take another rejection from them. I will feel totally defeated then.
And I dont mean I am going to harm myself. I will die in the streets eventually. I need the tools, the guidance, the knowledge. I need to be locked away for awhile. I need to be all recovery 24/7 for awhile. Not when it is convenient to me. ANd i know its all up to me to do it. But I need a hand to get started. And being locked away is the only way I see.

helpformyson

Aysha,
If there is anyone in your family to Marchmann Act you, the court will mandate rehab and put you there. You will not be able to leave while in rehab. I had to do it for my son. He did exceptionally well in rehab, but relapsed while in the 1/2 way house. He said he was not ready then, but is now putting himself into rehab. Hang in there.
In the mean time, maybe you could speak with a sponser, counselor, therapist, priest, rabbi, etc. Call a local NA or AA meeting. If you don't have a ride, see if someone can pick you up. Good luck and God bless.

Aysha

I am from WPB. I am in NY now. I dont think they have those acts here like down there. Baker act and all that.
Even when a family member does get you baker acted or whatever they can only hole you 72 hrs..I think. The only way I could have gotten treatment was through drug court. And that would have put me in Drug Farm at the stockade.
But NY is different. I may look into that tonight.
I just got off the phone with the place I was in back in March and they said I have to be medically cleared in an ER first because I have been up doing drugs all night. So tomorrow. I am just going to have my dad go get the plates off the van and he can do whatever he wants with it and drop me off at the ER. They have a psych ward in the hospital I am going to. Been there a couple times already. And that one pushed for me to go across state for 6 mos treatment. But I didnt want to go because it was so far. I need to stop relying on my gram so much and just go do me.
I am so cried out right now. This was not suppose to be my life. I am sry for posting over and over. But I just need to talk. I hope that is ok.

nogard

Like Dee I am so glad you made it back in one piece and I will go out on a limb here and say you need to get into a program even if you don't like parts of it sit down and listen, work the program and dont let go or come up for air for a couple of years. By then you will see things differently.

Start today Trish, want me to tell you where it all ends up if we keep using? Dead if we are lucky, but maybe mentally crippled for life, vegatables.

Listen to the advice you get and then act on it dont talk it away Trish.

I struggled so hard against the program for the first two years and looking back it would have been so much easier if I had not resisted and now I can choose what kind of program I have in recovery and I do.

There thats more than I have ever said here.

Juist for Today don't pick up any mind or mood altering substances.

Kevin

barb dwyer

Aysha-

Thank you for communicating the
'incomprehensible demoralization'
talked about in the Big Book...

I could FEEL the waves of it while I read the post.
I remember. Quite vividly thanks to your post.

The good news is -
it sounds like you're finally there...
the bottom.
"I just can't do it any more. Help Me."

are the most eloquently humble words an alcoholic can utter.

I, too, lost a job, all my bar 'friends' my great reputation ...
in the span of ONE shift.
It took a while sober before
I could realize that my 'fall' didn't happen
without years of warning.
But when it finally hit
the world went from a dream
to stunningly real.
So real it was surreal.

So I KNOW like few others where you are right now.

And I'm telling you -
you never have to feel this way again.
You're in a perfect place to finally make a choice.

And in choosing -
you can truly change everything.

I did.
And I'll hang out here and check in from time to time
because I want what I've found ... for you as well.

It's a miraculous world
once the sedatives wear off.
I don't know why we alcoholics have to hurt ourselves so much
we just do.

Thank you for helping me stay sober today.

gerryP

Aysha,

I bet you do know why you do this over and over....Only you can come to that conclusion.

That said, is it at all possible that you are so terrified of succeeding, something you may feel is foreign to you for any length of time, that you go on a binge, effectively putting an end to your chances of going forward and then you can explain your failure in pursuing your dreams...because you used again. It's safe...This way you know what the outcome will be........?

nogard

Except we dont know what the outcome will be, as it will change as our dis ease progresses until we die horribly and alone or live horribly and alone

Aysha

Its not that gerry. I can say that 100%
Maybe in the past. But def not this time.
I do know how things will turn out when I am clean. Because I make plans and stick to them. I make goals and achieve them. I do what I say I am going to do. Using. I neevr know what going to happen next. All I know is I am on a serious chase for the drugs. Any way possible. I do know that it always ends badly. But thats about it.
I was very content with how things were. I loved my job. I like everyone I worked with. It was so good to be normal for once. I didnt get bored with it like I usually do.
I seriously could nopt tell you why I went. Other than I got urges and I didnt put up much of a fight. So pretty much I wanted to. But why Iw anted to? I dont know.
I really have no idea. It was stupid. I knew what was going to happen. I even said out loud to myself before going that it was stupid and that I would just be going on a chase, feeling the paranoia and shame. Possibly losing everything. But I got a bad case of the F its or the "One time wont hurt"
I dont know why I would go knowing that it is just all going to be chaos and misery when my life has been going so great. I was actually happy for once. Proud and felt like an adult and not soem loser teenager like I have always felt like.
I guess understanding is not as important as just doing something about it.
I am going to the ER tomorrow. My gram is dropping me off and I am going in. Its all or nothing this time. I am so over this crap. I seriously have had it. I have said that so many times tho.
But I have never been in disbelief before. Why should I? But I am this time. I really thoguht I was done. 'Everything was going just how I wanted it to. And things just fell into place. I was changing my inner being. I was being proactive in making life changes. Not just idling and white knuckling it.
I simply let the urges get the best of me. I wanted to feel that high. Period.
Its sick.

Ninsuna

Dear woman, my recovery began with being hosptalized for depression/suicidal thoughts. We are in different states with very different laws, so I really cannot advise, but you said,"I just want to fade out. Not suicidal. I just wish I could close my eyes and never wake up." I thought, when you talk to the intake person, just leave out the not suicidal part. You know what you need and sometimes when dealing with bureaucracy you say what they want to hear *ducks from s**tstorm for saying that*. Fact is, if you keep drinking and using with the wish to never wake up you stand a good chance of getting your wish. Is that not suicidal behaviour?

endzoner

Aysha my dear.. you grab hold of this and dont let go for nuttin , we love you and everyones prayers are heading your ways. Shyte happens maybe its time to just stop trying to figure out why ?
You mentioned how everything was perfect . you know thats a dangerous place to be at times .. its when we get complacent . tho we all know you been workin it your own way , and that didnt work well for you .. Now its time to do it the other way .. give it all you got and then some .. were not going anywheres I wish you the best and hope to see you back here saying HOLLY SHYTE now thats what I call recovery ! huggles Endzy

OZboy

..T..i deeply feel your sorrow..

..i sometimes glance back at your beautiful 'quotations of inspiration'..

..hey..you helped me..n that is so important..

..please try again....luv Kim (OZboy)..

Done_With_It

(((Trish)))

Gypsy Feet

I'm sitting here in tears, so grateful you made it back again. You know you have a special place in so, so very many hearts here honey.

I wish I knew the magic words Trish. I'm scared for you.

Bamboozle

Trish, why have you been so quiet around SR lately? I thought maybe things were going well...you've made some big changes and commitments.

I couldn't stay stopped from drinking until I got help for depression.


It was hard for me to admit something was wrong with my brain. I was afraid to make a call, but I did...and I'm glad I did. I talked to someone about things I didn't want to talk about...I accepted help for a very real illness that needs to be medicated with mood stabilizers (this stuff cannot make me high...I cannot abuse what I'm on).

Maybe I'm totally wrong...but I got the impression you were dancing around the whole depression (or something else) thing. I know it's really none of my business and I've mentioned this to you before...I shouldn't be mentioning it again...but I am. If you don't want to read this kind of thing from me (about mental health concerns) please let me know and I'll shut the fvck up. I tend to repeat myself and I really don't mind being called out on it.

I hope you'll take good care of yourself, Trish.