isurvived

I do some of my best thinking when I'm out in the barn working. This morning was no different, I was thinking. The barn has always been a place where I could go to get away, be by myself with my thoughts, sorrows, anger, or whatever I happened to be feeling.

This morning I was cleaning stalls (I raise horses)... and I had the radio playing on my favorite station. Then a football game began a broadcast... and listening to the drone of it brought thoughts to mind of my XAH. Go figure. I started to shovel a bit harder. It's a great way to get out pent up frustration!

I found myself remembering all the years I have cleaned the barn by myself. No help from AH, on weekends he'd be found in front of the TV, watching the game. Feet up, relaxing in his easy chair while I was out shoveling my innards out. His reasoning was "they are YOUR horses". They were in fact, but he benefited greatly from the sale of them and it always set a bit sour with me that he took no part in helping. I didn't make a big deal about it, because it was my way of going on about my business/getting on with my own life and interests and detaching.

During the years we were together, there were many things I did by myself. Things most couples do together. Like going to a movie, or taking the kids out to the fair, or venturing out to get the Christmas tree. I was determined I was going to go about life with or without him... and most times it was without him.

During all those times, I thought I was doing OK. Detached and living a full life the best I could while I waited for him to get his act together. Kind of like standing on the sidelines... waiting to see how the game was going to play out. I wasn't aware of how much anger and resentment I was building up over that time period. Not until I made the decision to divorce and go forward by myself.

Probably the reason I still visit this board. I find it healing and a good way to vent some of those long repressed emotions. I think back on the past and it sends a chill right up my spine.

No longer am I building resentment. I am free to do as I wish, when and with whomever I wish. Life is so much better, I no longer have that deadweight around my neck. Just the fading memories of a past that I am so glad are over.

Peace.

CatsPajamas

Thanks for sharing, Isurvived. I love your screenname.... my sons and I talk about that time in our lives and we honor each other as survivors.

I detached from my ex in much the same way you did. I started to do things by myself that I wanted to do and no longer looked to him for help, support or approval. I started really living again. It was part of my healing and my journey to a new and better life.

Thanks again for sharing. It's good for people to know that there really is light and life on the other side if you choose to go there... regardless of whether your loved one continues to drink or use drugs or not.

peaceteach

I feel very much the same as you do about my life now, Isurvived. Plus, I am dating a man who always jumps in and works with me on projects, just to spend time with me. It's amazing how different a healthy relationship is, and how much I recognize it now...

One of the turning points for me during my marriage, a realization that actually helped me go forward with my divorce, was recognizing that I was already doing most everything by myself, and divorce wouldn't be much different than being married, except that I wouldn't have a drunk, grown man in the house making life even more difficult. And I was so right. Life is infinitely easier WITHOUT that added burden. It's just, well, LIFE now.