Have you dealt with this? (and how)

Old 11-15-2009, 08:56 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Have you dealt with this? (and how)

AH and I are going through a D. We have been living apart for close to 1 year. In the last year I have seen changes in AH - I think because this is the first time he has felt consequences. This is good. I really just want a healthy dad for the kids.

Yesterday, we took a co-parenting class. 4 hours - online. I felt like I had this negative voice in my ear constantly criticizing me for 4 hours. After the last rehab - when he left and I asked him to live elsewhere for a time - I wanted a schedule for visits. My child's counselor said we really needed one - that AH needed to establish predictability with the kids - that a "drop by" while it might seem like a good thing (isn't it good to see dad) - really undermined predictability. I think AH just does not believe this.

Also, - and I don't really have it yet - but I need a schedule. I need to know when I can make plans, etc. Right now, I don't know where the kids will be at Tgiving - it's stressful. This weeks we have an appt with a parenting plan "coach" of sorts, and I am hoping I can work on this.

now, it appears that in AH mind the schedule was my way of limiting his seeing his kids, of basically making him a visitor. Also, I "gave up" on the marriage. Basically, D is my doing because I filed for divorce, broke my vows, etc. etc..

Well, I said, are you going to take any responibility? Well, for his actions, he says, but not for a divorce.

AH holding back tears.....piling on guilt (which I predictably respond to - because I am an ACA also)

I should add that I have been the primary breadwinner, and AH just doesn't see child expenses I think as his area. This has also caused tension. I just can't wait to garnish the guys wages. He has been saying he will contribute to the kids' college funds for at least 1 year. When I wrote the check for swim class - "well, that's your area".

during parts of the course, he was walking around the bedroom with an empty box picking things up saying "do you have a claim to this?"

I know this should not bother me. I need to detach, but gosh it's hard not to feel like a complete jerk. I'll admit that in the past I did feel superior at times, and I probably became addicted to drama/chaos, but I am working on those character flaws.

Trying to stop that negative self talk, but it's hard.
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Old 11-15-2009, 06:05 PM
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Both of my XH's and my XABF have tried the same thing. It's all my fault, I'm destroying the kids, I'm only doing it for 'this' or doing it for 'that' reason. It was, like you said, a guilt trip. Not tears of what happened because of both our errors, but what's happening because I'm not willing to give it one more try.

I heard it said a million times but didn't really understand it until recently. They will try, do, say ANYTHING once they lose control. They (my ex's) lost control. Everything, I, was no longer in their hands. Suddenly they were faced with following instead of leading. It was "OMG, she's not under my every command anymore! Quick....look sick, upset, sad, whatever it takes to get her back under me!"

It's so hard not to fall for it. It's even harder to know the difference between real and "I've lost control of her" fake. I posted about it a few months ago, I felt so cruel by my "just not listening anymore" actions. I wondered, and still do sometimes, if his words were the truth. Did he really mean it? So I'd take it as real and give him one more chance. Just to find myself days later regretting it. Kicking myself in the butt for having fallen for it, again.

Hang in there. Focus on you and your child. Nothing else matters. I am the only person who has been there for my kids since day one. I've been there every night when they went to bed and have been there every morning when they wake up. I am the only consistent, reliable person in their lives. I don't pressure their fathers to do what's right. If he wants to, he will. But it's his choice. And someday my children will understand everything and it's not me they'll be upset with. Right now it is, they don't get everything they want. But eventually they'll learn that mom did the best she could and because of her they always got everything they needed.
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Old 11-15-2009, 08:02 PM
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I am so there with you both.
To him, I am judgemental, unkind, and heartless. I am duplicitous for making him think I was happy, then surprising him with my upset. I obviously don't love him because I am trying to get as far away from him as I can (I am in another state for 2 weeks and we were going to see one another at Thanksgiving, but he's cancelling). I am blowing things out of proportion. I have not forgiven the past (I mentioned this is not the first time he has lied to me - we did this exact thing in the beginning of the relationship around smoking). I will never trust him again; its hopeless. I'm not being fair. Besides, he apologized, said he blew it and he would never do it again, what else do I want?? I'm not allowing him to be human. I am being over-dramatic. I'm always blaming everything on him and not taking any responsibility. I broke his heart.
Wow. It blows me away to put it all down. This is in just two weeks.
No guilt, man. No way. But, boy, it's tough when he sounds so HURT! I want to crumble into a little, guilty pile and put it all back together!
So far, I am not doing that and trying to STAY SANE. Good luck to you to do the same.

Hugs.
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Old 11-16-2009, 03:19 AM
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I heard it said a million times but didn't really understand it until recently. They will try, do, say ANYTHING once they lose control. They (my ex's) lost control. Everything, I, was no longer in their hands. Suddenly they were faced with following instead of leading. It was "OMG, she's not under my every command anymore! Quick....look sick, upset, sad, whatever it takes to get her back under me!"
Wow. Says it all, really, doesn't it? I needed this today! Thank you!

Tired, I too feel like a jerk. I feel like I am the one that uprooted my seemingly happy family.

It does get easier, it does get better. One day at a time here, it will be fine.

You are the one who finally decided to end the madness and the chaos, so you and your kids could have a better life. And that is something you should be proud of.
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