sofacat

This is my first "venting" session... wish me luck!

I am living with my RAH and am trying so hard to just work on myself and give him the space to recover on his own. He is my best friend and aside from the addiction and all the things that go with it (you all know the stories)...we have a very healthy relationship. We have been openly sharing our feelings, he has been working the program and has made many friends that are clean and sober.

So why am I feeling so trapped? I have noticed over the last 5 days that he seems a bit over stimulated. Now, I know he had been drinking a lot of coffee and smokes a lot, but I have noticed a change in him. His pupils are normal (recovering Opiate addict..pupils used to always be "pinned")...but there is something different in him lately. He has been going to meetings every night and calling his sponsor and network of friends in the program. Though all of these things are present...there is still a change.

I don't know how to detach from him while living with him. I find myself getting irritated with him and am now going into an "unhealthy" place with myself. I am wanting to look at his phone logs, e mails and found myself looking through his clothes and pockets to look for "clues". I have confronted him daily and am looking for answers I know I am not going to get. This is toxic behavior on my part, I am aware...but I am finding myself "relapsing" into old codie behavior.

He assures me he is working the program (which he is) and doing everything he needs to do for himself, but why can't I seem to do the same? I have always been very keen to his physical changes and I am finding myself seeing a change again. Not the opiate coma...but something is different. I can't seem to detach. I had been doing well...but now I am confused.

Is there anyone out there who has maintained a relationship with a RA and know how I may work through detaching from his addiction while living in the same house? Also, does anyone have experience with a recovering Opiate addict? I know there are a lot of chemical changes in the brain from this drug, has anyone seen the process and know what I should expect? I try the "count to 10" method, and visiting this site often... but I can't help but feel the way I do.

splendra

I don't have any experience with living with a recovering opiate addict. But I do know it is very hard to regain trust for the codie(that would be us).

Maybe you could to be getting some face to face support at an alanon or naranon meeting.

My prayers will be going out for you and rah.

barblsn

I could not live with my husband when he was actively using. To me, detachment meant get the heck out of my house.
He has been home 1 year now. I keep myself out of his recovery. He knows that if he starts using again, it's all over, and more importantly, I know this too.
I let him be a man. I don't snoop, even though I'm often tempted. I remind myself that I knew when he was using, I don't need any verification, and anyway, he would just lie if I confronted him. It's hard, but right now it's worth it. He's working, putting me and our marriage first (which is a first!) and staying away from bad influences.
I don't want to sabotage by hovering over him, double checking or spying. My money is still safe though, and my boundaries are still in place.
It's hard to know whether your husband is giving you reason to be suspicious, or if you're just afraid to attempt to trust him. Going to meetings, or coming her may help you with that.
But remember, if it looks like a duck, and walks like a duck, its a duck!

sofacat

My question is, if you become suspicious...how in the heck do you get confirmation WITHOUT slipping into detective codie behavior? How would you know he is using again? My RAH is a prescription drug addict. It's not like I can smell the booze, or see him passed out on the floor. This is a very silent, private addiction. It's a doozie!

I have laid out that boundary. If he uses, he's out of the house and our relationship will be over. We have been together for 10 years now. He had been using this whole time up until 60 days ago (exactly). I have made peace with myself that I will no longer tolerate the drugs in my world. I try to take this one day at a time. But on this day...he seems a bit off.

As for now, there isn't money missing, his pupils aren't pinned, it's just his sleeping is erratic and he's "overstimulated".

I am trying SO hard to give him space, but I just keep getting irritated. I know I'm new at this, and need to give myself a break and time to heal. Trust will not be earned overnight. But how in the heck did I slip again? Didn't see that coming!

thank you for responding,
It's great to be here.

sofacat

I needed that. Thank you! Going to an Alanon meeting tonight.

sofacat
"An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last." -Sir Winston Churchill

barblsn

"how in the heck do you get confirmation"

When I was a little girl I asked my mother how I would know when I was in love, and she told me "you'll just know". And she was right.

And I will just know if my husband relapsed, I knew it the last time, but I talked myself out of it and allowed my husband to manipulate and lie to me. I will know. And so will you.

tjp613

sofacat - I've heard from addiction specialists that it takes 90 days for the brain to stabilize and then 6 months to a year for the brain to "heal".

HBO's website has some wonderful information about addiction based on the series they did way back when. Good stuff there -- very cutting edge research. HBO: Addiction: Understanding Addiction: Addiction and the Brain

sofacat

Thank you so much for that info. I will look into it.

and barblsn...you are right.
I will just know. I am working on trusting myself. My gut hasn't failed me yet! !

sofacat
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.
-Sir Winston Churchill

barblsn

GOOD!!! And I'll tell you, once you start listening to your gut, EVERYTHING gets easier. Listen to it all the time!

jerect

Sofacat,

I can relate to what you are going through.. My husband has been clean for a year from opiates but before he stayed clean I watched him relapes over and over again. While I do trust him now more then I have in the past I do not trust him completely and I probably never will. I'm still doing everything I can to protect me whether it be financially or just mentally. My husband knows that there are no more second chances anymore, one more lie or one more pill and he is gone. A year ago I would not have been strong enough to follow through with my boundaries but today you bet I'm strong enough because living alone and being broke is much better then living with active addiction.

This is good, his actions are saying that he is willing to change and that he is trying to change.. when he stops going to meetings every night, when he finds excuses not to go and when he stops calling his sponsor, then I would say that there is something to worry about. Change does not happen overnight. 60 days is not a lot of clean time, it takes a while for all the old habits to go away. Heck, after a year of sobriety my RAH still exhibits some habits that I wish would go away.

I have come a long way in my recovery but there are periods where I'm tempted to do some of these same things.. I have to stop and remind myself that I AM NOT GOING TO LIVE THAT WAY ANYMORE Those behaviors were very unhealthy and I know that even if my husband has relapsed snooping through his things is not going to change the fact that he is using. I have learned to just trust my HP and my gut.. neither one of those have ever failed me. Each time my husband has relapsed I knew, I just knew and so will you.

I detatched by setting boundaries for myself. I decided what was acceptable and unacceptable to me and I stick to it. I have also set things up to where I'm protected financially. I sleep better at night knowing that if he relapses again and I have to throw him out I will still be able to eat and pay my bills.

I have read several places where an addicts maturity level is that of age of when they started using.. so if your husband started using drugs at the age of 17 or 18 then thats the age he is going to act for awhile. After a year of sobriety my husbands brain has still not caught up to his age. Here lately I have found myself getting irritated with him a lot even to the point of where I question the future of our relationship. Funny how that works, I waited so long for him to get clean so we could have a relationship and now that he is clean I'm not sure of my feelings for him anymore. Maybe thats normal, maybe it's not but I guess that is topic for a different thread..

Just work on taking care of you.. go to your meetings, live your life to the fullest and either he is going to get on board with you or he is not. But give it time because he is stil early in his sobriety and is still struggling daily just to stay clean.

eaglesgirl

My RAH has exactly two years, 10 months and three days clean from heroin, oxy, and crack.

It took me exactly two years before I even allowed myself to call him my RAH.

The trust didnt really return until probably over a year into his active recovery.

My RAH has admitted that it wasn't until about 1 year clean in active recovery that he started to "feel like himself"...

I kept myself detached by allowing him the "space" he needed to accomplish little steps with his active recovery... not playing into his manipulations, even though he wasnt using, they were still there... not falling into old behaviors such as snooping through pockets, cell phones, car... and calling him out when he tried to manipulate me for whatever reason. For example: If he was having a bad and tried to make me feel responsible for anything, I just simply said something like, and what did your sponsor have to say about __________, and to remind him that they are his feelings and to NOT project them onto me.

Was it easy? Heck no... but it was definitely worth it, as our marriage is ten times stronger than before this horrible family disease... Me and the kids come first, bills are actually paid AHEAD of time now, he is rebuilding his business and just re-opened last month... and the BIG surprise, we have a new little one due in just three weeks.

Do I feel that this disease is gone from our lives for good? No... we both acknowledge that it will always be a part of our lives... we just know how to deal with things that present obstacles better... and we are prepared for whatever come our way... He does know that should active addiction rear its ugly head again, I will not be waiting around with him for him to get it together again.

The most important thing you can do is to take care of yourself... Alanon and Naranon helped me tremendously... I do not go as often as I used to, but do manage to go twice a month...for me... to give back to others who are where I was.... Take it slow... 60 days is a drop in the bucket compared to the time that was spent actively using... Addiction didnt destroy everything overnight, it will take the same amount of time, if not longer, to rebuild...

sofacat

Jerect-

Thank you so much for that. I realize that 60 days is a newborn to sobriety...and on top of that, it has only been 30 days since he's been back home. Learning how to "mind my OWN business" has been very liberating. So, you can imagine my panic when I realized that I had slipped back into "stinking thinking". I guess you don't realize whether you have healed and grown until you are faced with another challenge. I was feeling confident and strong. So proud of how far I had come...and then I slipped! Oops! "Where did that come from?"

Being manipulated and lied to by the person you love the most (besides myself )
really embeds itself deep down in there! He is doing better, I am doing better...but we are no where NEAR where we are going to be. We communicate better than we ever did (not like we had a problem with that before) but we tell each other how we are feeling about certain issues that come up. We have always been friends first and foremost. That has helped us through so much.

So what gives with this overcaffeinated version of my RAH? I don't know. My gut is telling me that it's not opiates...it's not the same. But I can't help but feel irritated with him when I look at him and he seems a bit "off". That is my problem, and I am going to work through that. I know that his brain chemicals are depleted and abnormal. His endorphins aren't what they should be. I know that my moods aren't exactly in check either (I think I'm PMS'ing!) and I'm just gonna have to work on that! I know I need to give it some time.

I know that addiction is addiction...and being the daughter of an AF and AM, having many friends and boyfriends who are addicts, I understand this...however, I have never seen anything like the power of opiates. This is one drug not to meddle with and I see doctors just writing prescriptions left and right! My mother had knee surgery 1 year ago and he is STILL refilling them for her! YIKES! But that's another mini series!

Having people like you to help me along has been a saving grace through this process of mine, and I am so thankful to have a place like this with people like you. Thank you so much for sharing with me and I wish us BOTH an opiate free life!

One day at a time...today I will have a good day, on my terms.

sofacat
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.
-Sir Winston Churchill

sofacat

Good or him! That is fantastic!

Thank you for that, that is good to know.

The role reversal here, in my case has been very interesting. He really utilized every minute during rehab to work on rebuilding himself and learning how to communicate. He has actually been the one to guide me through this process by allowing me the freedom to realize my demons on my own. Very interesting turn if events with a RA. The shoe used to always be on the other foot...but now I realize that was me trying to "fix" him in the past.

That is so inspiring to hear. I know not everyone will have the same outcome in their relationships like you have and I think it is such a joy to know how well the two of you are doing "today". I have been reading many posts here and it is rare when I happen upon relationships that have endured through recovery. Thank you for sharing that, it gives me hope and strength to know. Congratulations an your little angel coming! How very exciting!

Ah...therein lies the dilemma...may we never have to face the "Demon" again...but give us the strength if and when we do.

Here is something you should find a little chuckle in...I know I did-
Last night I decided to finally get some face to face time and go to an Alanon meeting for the first time...yeah me! SO, it's like the first day of school...I put on some makeup and a cute sweater and head out 40 minutes early (such an eager Beaver!) and head out to a meeting in town that I found on my RAH's Meeting Directory.

I get there...it's a church with a big school behind it...I see a TON of cars and start to get excited..."But wait...I don't see any people, ANYWHERE!" So , I get out of my car and walk around the ENTIRE complex for 30 minutes looking for the meeting (I figured there would be SOME people outside that early.) NOPE! "Where is everybody?" Ah, I finally see two people outside...so I approach them and ask where the meetings for Alanon are being held. So, the gentleman tells me where to go...I go to the building...and ALL the doors were locked an the lights were off.
Ohhhhhh no!!! I got all spiffied up and was ready to meet some folks like us...so excited- and no one was there!!! Bummer, right?
SO i bought me and my RAH hot fudge sundaes, came back home and got online. Wasn't meant to be last night. I will try again tonight. I just thought I'd walk you through that, as I am sure you remember the feeling you had when you finally went to your first meeting!

I'm workin'on it! Talking to people like you has really helped and I will continue to grow everyday with your support and words of encouragement. I will go to meetings, stay connected, and constantly remind myself to MIND MY OWN BUSINESS!!! Thank you so much for sharing with me. It's so comforting to know I'm not alone.

bluebelle

Hi, sofacat. Thanks for sharing.

My recovering ABF is also addiction to prescription opiates. This is his 2nd try at recovery. As far as I know, he is at almost a year clean.

I often get the temptation to snoop through his stuff. I'll see something out of the corner of my eye that seems suspicious. However, I've learned that it doesn't do any good. It is a compulsive behavior for myself. It makes me feel stressed out, and anxious. It doesn't help RABF at all.

When I start struggling with wanting to snoop, I try to remember the 3 c's (I can't control his use, I didn't cause his problem, and I can't cure his addiction). I then say again to myself, "I admit that I am powerless over ABF and his addiction." I also come to this site, and read what others have written and gone through.

That usually helps me get my focus to where it needs to be--on myself. I have a really hard time with this. Both of my parents are addicts, too. So, it is hard for me to learn new behaviors that are not codie.

kj3880

If it helps you at all, I'm a RA myself, 19 months clean, and I live with my ra/bf, who has 8 years clean. And we both still look at each other funny sometimes. I check out his eyes sometimes. He checks me out, too. He will remind me, if I'm going to an event where there is drinking, "you know you can't have just one." And I'll ask him about whether he ever thinks about getting high anymore. See, it's scary to us, too. As bad as it is to watch, it's a nightmare to live it, too. We have to be constantly vigilant against our disease.

And sometimes my RABF acts like a 15-year-old (that's when he started using). And sometimes I'm still selfish or self-centered. But the good outweighs the bad and we are happy together almost all of the time.

It's a very scary disease. To be honest, if I wasn't an addict, I don't know if I'd mess with an addict at all, ever. It's sure not for the faint-of-heart, is it? I admire you guys who are normies and still brave enough to love us. I hope at least some of us can make it worth your while!

Love,
KJ