kittykitty

The emotional roller coaster is so out of control right now. When I come out of my Alanon meeting, I feel confident, strong, and sure of myself and my feelings, and I know what I have to do to take care of myself, and look forward to my progress. But by the time I wake up the next morning, I feel doubtful, apprehensive, and disappointed in myself for giving up on him.

Sometimes my emotional swings are every fifteen minutes, I go from happily and confidently going about my day, to sad and pre-occupied, wondering what he's doing, and what the future holds. I'll spend hours trying to snap myself out of the thought processes that distract me from my work... what am I supposed to do if he calls? Just act like nothing is wrong? Not answering the phone is my choice, but isn't that childish? I can't avoid him forever... What if he talks about our plans of him moving down here? How am I going to tell him that I'm not coming home for Christmas anymore?

It is obvious that I'm going to have to detach from him, I'm just terrified that because of the situation, I will have to do it in a matter of weeks. How will I be ready so soon? People are in Alanon for months, even years before they get the courage to detach with love, and leave the alcoholic to live their life as they wish. There's a very good chance that I will have to do it in the next 2 months. If his probation gets terminated or transferred, (court date on that is the 18th) he was supposed to move down here, and I'm going to have to tell him I don't want him to. What if my sister doesn't feel the same way, and chooses to continue enabling him, and I lose her too? I couldn't bear that. I guess I'm getting ahead of myself, and shouldn't worry about it until it happens, but that's such a hard habit to break... freaking out about what "could" happen. I know I need to stop that as well.

It helps so much to come here and read your words of support and understanding, like a mini meeting to keep me going until the next one. I feel like this computer is attached to my legs, every hour I'm sitting on the couch with it on my lap reading something, downloading more alanon literature, looking for help. I never realized how much of my life I have spent worrying about him. How much time I have essentially wasted wondering what I can do to make things easier for him. Now I'm feeling mad and stupid for wasting all that time.

The roller coaster leaves the terminal again.. keep your hands inside the car at all times...

DesertEyes

Hi there kitty

yup, that's the way I used to feel too. The good feelings started staying around longer and longer, and now I feel that way most of the time. For me it was a matter of practice, practice and more practice.

What helps me get out of that rut is to pray for others. There are so many people I know in my meetings who are going thru their own hardships, and if I focus my mind on praying for _them_ it distracts from obsessing on my own problems.

nope. It's called "no contact". If you were discussing a rational, considerate human being who is calling for a positive and productive reason... then it would be childish. But if it's someone wrapped up in their addiction with nothing but manipulation in mind, then I think it's no different than hanging up on an obscene caller.

You don't have to. You only need to avoid him _one_ day at a time. Nothing more.

The same way. One day at a time, one Christmas at a time. You don't _have_ to say "anymore", you can just say "this time". That's what I did and it worked for me.

Oh goodness nobody is _ever_ ready! If we were ready we'd never end up in al-anon and going to therapists It's not about being _ready_, it's about being _willing_. As long as you're willing you'll make a good effort. And if it doesn't work out for you _today_, you'll just get stronger with more meetings and more recovery and it will work out for you the _next_ day.

Over here we call it "bleeding _before_ you're shot".

* lol * I'm glad to see your sense of humor is intact.

Mike

reverse

Thanks SO MUCH for saying the following:

kittykitty

Thanks Mike, I appreciate the time you put into addressing all of my doubts. I do know that I need to start focusing on each day by itself, as opposed to many at a time. It is so easy to get overwhelmed, and think of how much I want to change about myself, and it's so easy to get discouraged and feel like I will never get there.

But the more I read, the more I realize that everyone else on here has had similar problems, the same mental obstacles, and when I see the progress they have made, it gives me good reason to believe that I can do it too.

I still have trouble though. I read the horrible stories of other members, and their lives with alcoholic parents; serious neglect, verbal and physical abuse, and sometimes worse, and I feel like I'm complaining about nothing. I never got slapped around when he was drunk, I never got told i was stupid or worthless (although when I think about it, I felt that way alot. I was always told I wasn't applying myself as much as I could, and needed to stop goofing around all of the time... but my 4th grade teacher told me the same thing). I was never stranded anywhere waiting to be picked up by a drunk parent. He didn't get drunk at my graduation and make a fool of me. My friends in high school all thought he was just awesome, "you're dad is so cool"... loved coming to the house and visiting with him, he was so entertaining... not like everyone else's fathers who were 'square and boring'. Sometimes I feel like I really don't have anything to complain about, and my issues that I have now have nothing to do with my upbringing. People have gone through much worse, and turned out much better, so why didn't I? Nobody's upbringing was perfect, is all this just an excuse for why I turned out the way I did? I can't escape the feeling that I am using him as an excuse for my problems, I don't like the idea of blaming others for my shortcomings, like I'm using him as a scapegoat.

And here I go again doubting myself, and the validity of my feelings, telling myself I don't deserve to use this forum or alanon to heal and recover because i'm not worthy of saying I suffered because of my upbringing. I can hear his voice in my head saying "oh stop being a baby, grow up". But even when he said stuff like that, he was sober, not drunk. When he was drunk he was happy as a pig in poop. The lectures were always when he was sober (i'm pretty sure anyway, now I'm even doubting that).

Did anyone else have these problems when they started?

dothi

Hi kitty, you are certainly not alone in this.

It was only in counselling where the lightbulb went off in my head about how much me and my codie mom revolved around the behaviors of my dad. Neither of us wandered too far "just in case". Neither of us were carefree "just in case".

My counsellor pointed out that my mom and I were doing A LOT of work to take care of the relationship with my AF, and asked me what was he doing? That was another lightbulb moment for me where I finally realized how one-sided the relationship was.

The anger that came with realizing that AF actions demonstrated that he had no intention of getting better was overwhelming. I felt like I had to do all the confrontation and boundary-drawing at once in order to make it better. It's part of the black&white thinking that comes with dealing with an alcoholic - you do all or nothing. You either love or hate someone. You're either a great child or a complete failure. No middle ground.

DesertEyes is absolutely right - take it one day at a time. That's not something we've learned before in dealing with an alcoholic parent, since our experience is either pretend everything's okay until you have to drop everything an run. We weren't taught how to have reasonable responses to situations that aren't emergencies. So if taking it one day at a time feels wrong, it's because it's a completely new approach to how you've been trained to react for years.

dothi

One other thing. It may be very helpful to write some of the reasons his choices/behaviors make you upset, so that when you are having these doubts, you can review the reasons why your relationship with him is actively hurting you.

These other people and friends who thought your dad was "so cool" didn't have to live with him on an intimate level, now did they? It's easy to like someone based on the side they want to present - to actually like someone warts and all is usually another story. You've experienced your dad's warts; your friends haven't. Therefore their experiences with your dad are not accurate assessments of the kind of father/person your dad really is.

Him being your dad or not, things being "that bad" or not, you are still entitled to have relationships in your life that involve mutual caring and respect. Family is not a licence for abuse.

kittykitty

"Family is not a licence for abuse."

I love when you remind me of that Dothi, thank you. The fact is, I have been putting unnecessary pressure on myself to get it over and done with, as far as setting the boundaries right away. It's like I'm so ready to get it done, and start working on myself. But there is no rush. Rushing into things usually means I don't do them right, and I would rather do things right than have to do them again.

At this point, I have to do nothing. He knows how I feel, after an email I sent on Tuesday and the conversation we had on Thursday, which I actually gave up on halfway through... I resorted to the usual non- confrontational responses... "your absolutely right... i can see how you would feel that way... no you shouldn't do anything you don't want to do". I guess my next step is to simply not call or email him.

The house up north closes on the 30th, just have to figure out how to get the rest of my and my sister's stuff out (family heirlooms, furniture from our mother, etc) before he packs it and takes it somewhere. I think that is what I'm most nervous about, is seeing him. Not going to worry about that right now!!!!!!!! Focus focus focus one day at a time!!!!

DesertEyes

Yeah I did that too. And yes I think you're right when you say it's just the same ol' "brainwashing" making you feel unworthy.

Do you mean "sober" or "un-drunk"? My father quit drinking later in life, but it didn't make that much of a difference. He stopped staggering and slurring his words, but otherwise there was no difference. Just cuz a drunk is not driking at the moment does not instantly turn them into some kind of miraculous, saintly, perfect person. All it does is turn them into a drunk that is not drinking at the moment.

The _biggest_ problem with alcoholism is that they named it after a beverage. It's _not_ about the alcohol, it's about the poisioning of a childs mind by the people that are entrusted to protect the child.

A brick can be measured. It has weight, size, color and so on. So you can compare a brick from your house against a brick from my house and determine which is longer, or heavier. But how do you measure _pain_? How do you measure brainwashing? And even if you could manage such a thing as an adult, how do you measure it in a child?

Comparing one childs pain against that of another child simply cannot be done.

The _result_ of a childhood filled with pain is always the same. The child grows up emotionally traumatized, with all kinds of fears, insecurities and who knows what else. And we end up in meetings of al-anon, with therapists, or here at SR, cleaning up the wreckage of our parents past.

The way I've heard it said at meetings is that recovery is not about our past, it's about our future. It doesn't matter where we came from, what matters is where we are heading.

No. It is not. You are one of us. Your needs for love, security and role models as a child were turned against you by the people who were the biological accident of your creation. The details of their actions against you are irrelevant. The consequences of those actions are the same for all of us. What matters is that you _can_ overcome all of that the same way everybody else here is doing it.

You are _not_ a bad person. You are an _injured_ person getting well.

Mike

kittykitty

Over the past two days I have read these posts over and over, every time I start to have doubts or guilt. Thank you all for being so supportive... I look forward to the times in the future that I will be able to return the favor, I hope I can be that person someday, confident and understanding. There's some great role models on here, the kind that I need, ones I can relate to, whose experiences I can directly relate to my own, whose thought processes I want to emulate. I look forward to learning more every day.

tromboneliness

Mike's got it dialed in -- I got nothin' to add!

T

atalose

Are you working your al-anon program? Are you reaching out and calling people in your group? Have you found a sponsor?

I know for me, attending a meeting once a week was not enough because too much would happen in between. I hated reaching out, there was some kind of fear or anxiety in doing that.......but let me tell you once I got over my own fears it was like reaching a whole other level in my recovery which helped me remain strong and confident all week long!!!!!

kittykitty

atalose... I haven't called anyone from the meeting yet, but will feel around a bit tonight. I feel the same way you did, anxiety about calling and bothering someone with my problems... I just need to build the nerve to do it. I would like to get a sponsor though, there is one person in particular in my group that is an ACOA, unlike the others who are friends, family and spouses. I'll see them tonight, looking forward to it. Wish me luck!

atalose

Kitty,

Good luck!!!!

That sounds like a great plan to speak with that person in your group that is an ACOA. Just start talking and see how comfortable you feel with them then see if you want to ask them to be your sponsor.

There really is no right or wrong way in recovery except to keep moving forward…..but most of all you have to FEEL comfortable that is so important.

Can’t wait to hear how your meeting went.

kittykitty

The other ACOA in my meeting was chairing the Alateen meeting across the hall on Tuesday, so I didn't get to speak with him, but he will be in our meeting tonight.

I've been reading alot about detachment in here and on the other forums, and trying to wrap my head around what I need to do to focus on myself. I can't control anything he does, me telling him not to move down here is the same as me telling him not to drink. He can and will do whatever he wants, there is a part of me that wants him down here so if he decides to take his recovery seriously I can be a part of his life again. Even if he lives 5 miles away, I can still detach from him. Maybe I'm just in a good mood right now, woke up on the right side of the bed... who knows

Just realized that yesterday was the court date, to see if his probation would be shortened, or transferred to another state (the only way he would be able to move here is if it was). Neither me nor my sister have heard from him, so we don't know how it went. Trying not to jump to conclusions, but we figured if it was good news we would have gotten a text or phone call. Now my sister is worried that he did something stupid and wound up in jail or something. My attitude is, as long as we don't receive a phone call from the police or a hospital, he is fine. I don't want to worry about it anymore, I don't have the energy.

He knows how I feel, and knows that as long as he chooses to keep alcohol out of his life, I will always be here for support and love. I am trying to stay confident that if he decides he needs me, he will call me. anytime.

atalose

If YOU had not moved to where you are now, would HE be moving with in 5 miles?

Part of focusing on you isn’t thinking about him and his court date or contemplating him moving with in 5 miles of you.

Starting a new life doesn’t mean we have to keep dragging the same old baggage along with us to deal with the same old crap in a new environment.

tromboneliness

You can't "start a new life" by moving. Been there, done that, it didn't work. The "geographical cure" doesn't work. You take your brain with you wherever you go. Sometimes you just have to bloom where you're planted.

T