relationship issues
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
relationship issues
I’m 21 but I’ve been drinking since I was 15. I used to drink like every weekend and I’d black out a lot. But it was just…you know typical college life…and I slowly learned my limits and started obeying them for the most part. I did use drinking as a way to cope with things…because I was unhappy and stuff…well then I met my boyfriend last year. Everything changed. I was SO much happier. We drank when we were together sometimes but I never got drunk, never really wanted to. I was so happy with him… I didn’t need or want to drink to feel good, because he made me feel so much better than I have in my life…I was literally the happiest I have ever been in my life and felt like the luckiest girl in the world.
So I guess I’ve done some dangerous stuff with alcohol so I’ve got a weird relationship with it…but well in the last four months things have been really bad with my boyfriend. We’re long distance, he goes to the United States Military Academy…lately he’s been stressed and distancing himself. We hardly ever talk, I feel really unimportant to him…he will go days without talking, we hardly ever see each other, he rarely calls and when we do talk its only for a little while…he says he loves me but I don’t believe him…I can’t remember the last time I was happy. So I’ve been drinking. More or less every night once I’m done with my homework…sometimes before or during. I can drink a lot for my size (I weigh around 110)…like a quarter of a bottle of 750 ml 80 proof vodka without feeling much more than a buzz…its enough to take the edge of the pain though… I don’t know. I don’t want this to like turn into a problem…but really its my relationship that’s the issue…if he’d talk to me more or things would go back to how they were I’d feel no urge to drink. I just want him back, want to be happy again and thinking about how it was…tears me apart inside and alcohol really does make me feel a little better, makes it hurt a little less, make me numb to how apathetic he seems… I’m not getting drunk or anything so I’m not like addicted, I could easily stop if my boyfriend would start being a boyfriend again… I don’t know what to do though. I mean I know I don’t like have a problem so I probably shouldn’t be on a board for alcoholics but I’m also not an idiot and realize what I’m doing is wrong but I just feel helpless and I can’t control what he does and nothing really makes me feel good and having a drink does make me feel less miserable. I've talked to him about this and he says he loves me and I shouldn't worry and that he's just really busy/really sorry... but things don't really get any better. He just doesn't care...even though he says he does, a guy who goes days without calling just doesnt want to call you but whatever... I don't want to leave him...I just want things to change. He keeps saying itll ge better but i've been hearing that for four months.
So I guess I’ve done some dangerous stuff with alcohol so I’ve got a weird relationship with it…but well in the last four months things have been really bad with my boyfriend. We’re long distance, he goes to the United States Military Academy…lately he’s been stressed and distancing himself. We hardly ever talk, I feel really unimportant to him…he will go days without talking, we hardly ever see each other, he rarely calls and when we do talk its only for a little while…he says he loves me but I don’t believe him…I can’t remember the last time I was happy. So I’ve been drinking. More or less every night once I’m done with my homework…sometimes before or during. I can drink a lot for my size (I weigh around 110)…like a quarter of a bottle of 750 ml 80 proof vodka without feeling much more than a buzz…its enough to take the edge of the pain though… I don’t know. I don’t want this to like turn into a problem…but really its my relationship that’s the issue…if he’d talk to me more or things would go back to how they were I’d feel no urge to drink. I just want him back, want to be happy again and thinking about how it was…tears me apart inside and alcohol really does make me feel a little better, makes it hurt a little less, make me numb to how apathetic he seems… I’m not getting drunk or anything so I’m not like addicted, I could easily stop if my boyfriend would start being a boyfriend again… I don’t know what to do though. I mean I know I don’t like have a problem so I probably shouldn’t be on a board for alcoholics but I’m also not an idiot and realize what I’m doing is wrong but I just feel helpless and I can’t control what he does and nothing really makes me feel good and having a drink does make me feel less miserable. I've talked to him about this and he says he loves me and I shouldn't worry and that he's just really busy/really sorry... but things don't really get any better. He just doesn't care...even though he says he does, a guy who goes days without calling just doesnt want to call you but whatever... I don't want to leave him...I just want things to change. He keeps saying itll ge better but i've been hearing that for four months.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,473
Hi,
Welcome to SR!
It doesn't sound like the relationship is the problem. What I hear in your post is that you were unhappy before you met your boyfriend and then he made you feel better. The problem is, when you depend on something on the outside of you, to make you feel better, it doesn't work. Now, he is distancing yourself and you're retreating into alcohol.
You need to look inside yourself and see a worth-while person. As you said, you can't control your boyfriend, all you can do is to take care of yourself and it seems that you know that you're drinking too much. Maybe he will come around or maybe he will continue to distance himself, but either way, you can move forward with your life.
Welcome to SR!
It doesn't sound like the relationship is the problem. What I hear in your post is that you were unhappy before you met your boyfriend and then he made you feel better. The problem is, when you depend on something on the outside of you, to make you feel better, it doesn't work. Now, he is distancing yourself and you're retreating into alcohol.
You need to look inside yourself and see a worth-while person. As you said, you can't control your boyfriend, all you can do is to take care of yourself and it seems that you know that you're drinking too much. Maybe he will come around or maybe he will continue to distance himself, but either way, you can move forward with your life.
Not all better, getting better
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
I agree that the drinking thing is something you really need to take a hard look at. You are drinking to bury your emotions. I drank and smoked pot for many years to bury my emotions and now I'm 40 years old learning how to deal with things I should have learned 20 years ago. Please look around here, read some stuff and ask questions, it really is a good place full of caring, helpful folks.
As far as your boyfriend goes, I'm not sure how long he has been at the Acadmey, but the schedule at those schools can be quite grueling. My brother went to the Air Force Acadmey, and I know they rode him hard, especially the first year. There were restrictions on how much he could call home, not to even mention calling a girl friend. I know it's tough, but if it's meant to be it will be. Try writing him a letter, understand that he may not write back as much as you would like him to. This is something you will either make it through or not, but it's not worth drinking over.
Welcome to SR!! Take care.
As far as your boyfriend goes, I'm not sure how long he has been at the Acadmey, but the schedule at those schools can be quite grueling. My brother went to the Air Force Acadmey, and I know they rode him hard, especially the first year. There were restrictions on how much he could call home, not to even mention calling a girl friend. I know it's tough, but if it's meant to be it will be. Try writing him a letter, understand that he may not write back as much as you would like him to. This is something you will either make it through or not, but it's not worth drinking over.
Welcome to SR!! Take care.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
Okay ive been drinking tonight so excuse me if I don’t make sense. i had an exuse tonight though...frends bday I can type quite well, lots of practice…and im also not drunk really just beyond buzzed… he hasn’t called tonight…he promised he would..i don’t know.
Im young and don’t want to throw my life away and I guess I always do look for happiness outside of myself, id ont know how to make msyslf happy. I don’t want to like ruin my life…it just so much easier not drink when I mhappy. Like I was with him… just sometimes tha pian like gets to a level that I cant bear and I NEED something to take the ege off. I don’t know… im not so good at the whole dealing with things. and my bf has been at the USMA for three years.... last year we talked alll the time...like legit...every day for hours... so idk what changed this year...its supposedto get better very year. blaah. i know in my head what im doing is wrong but IDK...i just wish things were better and i could be as happy as we were
Im young and don’t want to throw my life away and I guess I always do look for happiness outside of myself, id ont know how to make msyslf happy. I don’t want to like ruin my life…it just so much easier not drink when I mhappy. Like I was with him… just sometimes tha pian like gets to a level that I cant bear and I NEED something to take the ege off. I don’t know… im not so good at the whole dealing with things. and my bf has been at the USMA for three years.... last year we talked alll the time...like legit...every day for hours... so idk what changed this year...its supposedto get better very year. blaah. i know in my head what im doing is wrong but IDK...i just wish things were better and i could be as happy as we were
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
Hi FF,
Gosh, wouldn't it be great if we could post on a forum and receive all the answers that solved our problems? Welcome to SR.
When we drink alot, and feel guilty about how much we drink, we can easily attribute all our problems to alcohol, and lay blame on the bottle, but that really doesn't matter sometimes. Sometimes, and we may not recognize it when it's happening, we are simply dealing with life, as it is, and life involves changes. We most often don't like what happening, so we turn to an aid to help us deal with the emotions that accompany the change that we are forced to deal with. The question here is, does the way we are coping with these emotions make us an alcoholic? I think not. Only you can decide whether or not alcohol, or your use of it as a buffer from these painful emotions, is really the issue here. If it is, you've found the right place here at SR. If not, then the problem lies with how much this relationship is disturbing your ability to function and feel complete as a person, as an individual, and the lines become blurred more often than not. Therein may lie the problem, and although increasing your alcohol consumption may ease the pain, temporarily, the problem still exists every morning when you awake. You sound young to me, so I can only advice that you check your heart for the answer, for that is where the answer is when you consider how you want to adjust to the situation as it it between you and your guy. Please bear in mind that it is very difficult, even without alcohol, for guys and gals to communicate effectively. It's a learning process and for guys like me, at 50 yrs young, I'm still learning, and we most often do not see what would really matter to the loved ones in our lives. We have to learn these kind of things.
A bit of advice, I'd lay off the booze, see the guy in person, and get to the bottom of what's going on. Look in his eyes, because the truth is there, in his eyes. Forget email.
Gosh, wouldn't it be great if we could post on a forum and receive all the answers that solved our problems? Welcome to SR.
When we drink alot, and feel guilty about how much we drink, we can easily attribute all our problems to alcohol, and lay blame on the bottle, but that really doesn't matter sometimes. Sometimes, and we may not recognize it when it's happening, we are simply dealing with life, as it is, and life involves changes. We most often don't like what happening, so we turn to an aid to help us deal with the emotions that accompany the change that we are forced to deal with. The question here is, does the way we are coping with these emotions make us an alcoholic? I think not. Only you can decide whether or not alcohol, or your use of it as a buffer from these painful emotions, is really the issue here. If it is, you've found the right place here at SR. If not, then the problem lies with how much this relationship is disturbing your ability to function and feel complete as a person, as an individual, and the lines become blurred more often than not. Therein may lie the problem, and although increasing your alcohol consumption may ease the pain, temporarily, the problem still exists every morning when you awake. You sound young to me, so I can only advice that you check your heart for the answer, for that is where the answer is when you consider how you want to adjust to the situation as it it between you and your guy. Please bear in mind that it is very difficult, even without alcohol, for guys and gals to communicate effectively. It's a learning process and for guys like me, at 50 yrs young, I'm still learning, and we most often do not see what would really matter to the loved ones in our lives. We have to learn these kind of things.
A bit of advice, I'd lay off the booze, see the guy in person, and get to the bottom of what's going on. Look in his eyes, because the truth is there, in his eyes. Forget email.
not little, a stranger no more
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: in the crowd
Posts: 410
Originally Posted by 51anna 
It doesn't sound like the relationship is the problem. What I hear in your post is that you were unhappy before you met your boyfriend and then he made you feel better. The problem is, when you depend on something on the outside of you, to make you feel better, it doesn't work. Now, he is distancing yourself and you're retreating into alcohol.
As for your boyfriend, it could be he really has a pretty hard time and is trying to do the best he can. I know it is hard when someone you love is far away and it is normal that you miss him a lot. I don't know a lot about your current situation, so I'll just tell to what conclusions about experiences with my own my relationships have brought me. Always to take with a grain of salt
Defining your happiness exclusively trough this relationship will ultimately not do it any good. It can really put a strain on the relationship and put your partner under a lot of pressure, because it is not easy to fullfill these expectations. Plus, it makes you very sad and you suffer when it doesn't work the way you expect.
So that are some reasons why I found it important to become responsible for my own happiness and to work on the things that I was trying to numb out all the time. It included quitting drinking and dealing with the underlying issues. But only you can tell for yourself if the alcohol has become a problem for you that needs to be adressesd.
What if this were an opportunity for you to deal with these things and take care of yourself while your boyfriend is away? If this relationship is meant to be, it will work out for you.
Keep reading and posting, I am sure there are others here that were at one or another time in a similar situation, I wish you all the best,
S.
Not all better, getting better
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
Originally Posted by FenwayFaithful
Okay ive been drinking tonight so excuse me if I don’t make sense. i had an exuse tonight though...frends bday I can type quite well, lots of practice…and im also not drunk really just beyond buzzed… he hasn’t called tonight…he promised he would..i don’t know.
Im young and don’t want to throw my life away and I guess I always do look for happiness outside of myself, id ont know how to make msyslf happy. I don’t want to like ruin my life…it just so much easier not drink when I mhappy. Like I was with him… just sometimes tha pian like gets to a level that I cant bear and I NEED something to take the ege off. I don’t know… im not so good at the whole dealing with things. and my bf has been at the USMA for three years.... last year we talked alll the time...like legit...every day for hours... so idk what changed this year...its supposedto get better very year. blaah. i know in my head what im doing is wrong but IDK...i just wish things were better and i could be as happy as we were
Im young and don’t want to throw my life away and I guess I always do look for happiness outside of myself, id ont know how to make msyslf happy. I don’t want to like ruin my life…it just so much easier not drink when I mhappy. Like I was with him… just sometimes tha pian like gets to a level that I cant bear and I NEED something to take the ege off. I don’t know… im not so good at the whole dealing with things. and my bf has been at the USMA for three years.... last year we talked alll the time...like legit...every day for hours... so idk what changed this year...its supposedto get better very year. blaah. i know in my head what im doing is wrong but IDK...i just wish things were better and i could be as happy as we were
Seriously though, I know you are young, and this is hard, but one thing you will learn sooner or later is that you can not find true happiness anywhere outside of yourself. A boy, a bottle, money, a job, all of those things can be enjoyable, but in the long run will not bring you happiness. It took me many years to get that myself, but hopefully you will learn sooner than I did. Take care.
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