I know everything (LOL)
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
I know everything (LOL)
Through the last couple of years while ending my marriage to my XAH and recognizing the dysfunction in my family of origin, my relationship with my sister has been hot and cold. I had a lot of resentment when I separated from my X, as she would talk a good game about supporting me, but didn't really follow through.
However, she clearly has many of the same ACOA issues that I do. She has reached out to me a few different times for support in her personal relationships -- because she "knew I would understand".
She called me last night and talked about a situation she is dealing with and how stressed out an worried she is about it. She needs to tell her roommate of her future plans to have her BF move in. She is worried about her roommate's reaction. REALLY worried about her roommate's reaction. We are meeting for dinner tonight, and I know this topic will come up again.
Of course now that I know everything about co-dependency and ACOA (LOL), I want to quote books to her and tell her she "needs to take care of herself" and "not worry so much about other people's reaction" and why she is the way she is and how she can get better.
But, that's just me trying to rescue her? How do I support her, without lecturing or preaching to her? Any advice?
However, she clearly has many of the same ACOA issues that I do. She has reached out to me a few different times for support in her personal relationships -- because she "knew I would understand".
She called me last night and talked about a situation she is dealing with and how stressed out an worried she is about it. She needs to tell her roommate of her future plans to have her BF move in. She is worried about her roommate's reaction. REALLY worried about her roommate's reaction. We are meeting for dinner tonight, and I know this topic will come up again.
Of course now that I know everything about co-dependency and ACOA (LOL), I want to quote books to her and tell her she "needs to take care of herself" and "not worry so much about other people's reaction" and why she is the way she is and how she can get better.
But, that's just me trying to rescue her? How do I support her, without lecturing or preaching to her? Any advice?
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello nowinsituation 
I have that "rescue syndrome" too. Everytime somebody has a problem I have this urge to rush in and fix it for them. Family, friends, strangers on the street. Allowing people to have the dignity of fixing their own problems is one of the lessons I've learned in al-anon. I'm not completely free of hte "syndrome" yet, but I'm making good progress.
What works for me on those ocassions when people _do_ ask for suggestions is, amazingly, what al-anon suggests. I share my personal experience, strength and hope on the subject. The catch is that if I have _no_ experience on the subject I have to _admit_ to my ignorance and not fabricate advice. That's when I say things like "I have never been in your situation so I have no experience to share, but whatever you decide to do I will support you 100%".
We even have a couple sticky posts about that over in the forum "next door".
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html
Mike
Originally Posted by nowinsituation 
...But, that's just me trying to rescue her? How do I support her, without lecturing or preaching to her? ...
What works for me on those ocassions when people _do_ ask for suggestions is, amazingly, what al-anon suggests. I share my personal experience, strength and hope on the subject. The catch is that if I have _no_ experience on the subject I have to _admit_ to my ignorance and not fabricate advice. That's when I say things like "I have never been in your situation so I have no experience to share, but whatever you decide to do I will support you 100%".
We even have a couple sticky posts about that over in the forum "next door".
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html
Mike
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