new here, need support
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
new here, need support
I've been on this forum for the past 24 hours, minus the few hours of sleep and the hour I went to my first alanon meeting, and I'm so happy I found it. The support you guys give each other is what I've been missing, what me and my sister have been missing, and the realizations that you help each other come to are seriously life changing. I wish I found this place years ago.
We were in denial for a long time about my stepfather's alcoholism, and the fact that A) we needed help dealing with it, and B) there was nothing we could do to help _him_ deal with it. We were enablers for a long time, and things escalated last year, and we followed him down a path wrought with bankruptcy, lying, prison, probation, lawyers fees, and an attempted recovery. Geez, right now I feel like we _paved_ that path. The recovery was never real, I see that now, because it wasn't his choice, it wasn't his decision to help himself, it was the judges decision. He was forced into rehab, forced into AA, and did as much as he needed to do. Preached about how he was cured, and he was an alcoholic and knew it. Preached about how great it felt to acknowledge and confront those he hurt (even though me and my sister have yet to receive that phone call). We believed he was taking the steps, and doing so well, so we continued to support him financially and emotionally. We found out two days ago that he has been drinking again, (he actually sent us a picture with the beer in it) even though it is illegal for him to even have the beer in the house. His behavior has returned to the way it was, defensive, yelling at us for asking about it, not wanting to talk about it.
With my extended time on here, my 12 - 16 straight hours of reading post after post, I realize the mistakes we have made in the past, and our enabling was what made it possible for him to get to the point he got to when he was arrested. If we didn't start paying his mortgage years ago, he would have gone broke and lost everything, like he needed to do. We just felt if we didn't help, we were letting him down, after all, he raised us. We didn't want to let down our Mother, who passed away 10 years ago (that's when the drinking got _really_ bad) by 'leaving him behind' or 'drawing the line in the sand' and cutting off our assistance. I realize now, both of us do, that we cannot help him, he needs to help himself.
I'm just soooooo angry right now. The only time it doesn't hurt, and I'm not crying is when I sleep, a few hours a night. I cleared out my savings for him last year, to get him out of jail, and pay for his lawyer. I don't mean my savings account, but my money market and investment accounts, my long term savings. My future. I live in a tiny apartment, run my own business and make barely enough money to support myself. I gave him everything, and this is what we get in return, a big **** you it doesn't matter. His exact words to my sister last night on the phone 'what difference does it make, it doesn't matter'. It matters to us. I know that eventually in Alanon i will learn to not blame myself for being so stupid, and stop kicking myself for caring so much. I want to stop blaming myself, 'maybe I didn't call him enough and support him when he was sober' or 'if only i had gone home for more holidays it wouldn't have gotten so bad' I can't wait for that day, for that weight to be lifted off my shoulders. I'm more angry at what my sister went through for him, struggling through her final years of med school, working, moonlighting to make the extra money to pay his mortgage. I'm more angry that he did this to her, not me.
Some encouraging words would be great about now. I'm going to another Alanon meeting this afternoon, and plan on going to as many as I possibly can. My family is spread out over the country, all 3 of us in a different states, so I can't be with my sister now, even though we talk often, and I pass on what I read here. She doesn't have the hours that I do to stare at the computer, searching for relevant answers and supportive stories. She too busy saving lives
Thanks for listening
We were in denial for a long time about my stepfather's alcoholism, and the fact that A) we needed help dealing with it, and B) there was nothing we could do to help _him_ deal with it. We were enablers for a long time, and things escalated last year, and we followed him down a path wrought with bankruptcy, lying, prison, probation, lawyers fees, and an attempted recovery. Geez, right now I feel like we _paved_ that path. The recovery was never real, I see that now, because it wasn't his choice, it wasn't his decision to help himself, it was the judges decision. He was forced into rehab, forced into AA, and did as much as he needed to do. Preached about how he was cured, and he was an alcoholic and knew it. Preached about how great it felt to acknowledge and confront those he hurt (even though me and my sister have yet to receive that phone call). We believed he was taking the steps, and doing so well, so we continued to support him financially and emotionally. We found out two days ago that he has been drinking again, (he actually sent us a picture with the beer in it) even though it is illegal for him to even have the beer in the house. His behavior has returned to the way it was, defensive, yelling at us for asking about it, not wanting to talk about it.
With my extended time on here, my 12 - 16 straight hours of reading post after post, I realize the mistakes we have made in the past, and our enabling was what made it possible for him to get to the point he got to when he was arrested. If we didn't start paying his mortgage years ago, he would have gone broke and lost everything, like he needed to do. We just felt if we didn't help, we were letting him down, after all, he raised us. We didn't want to let down our Mother, who passed away 10 years ago (that's when the drinking got _really_ bad) by 'leaving him behind' or 'drawing the line in the sand' and cutting off our assistance. I realize now, both of us do, that we cannot help him, he needs to help himself.
I'm just soooooo angry right now. The only time it doesn't hurt, and I'm not crying is when I sleep, a few hours a night. I cleared out my savings for him last year, to get him out of jail, and pay for his lawyer. I don't mean my savings account, but my money market and investment accounts, my long term savings. My future. I live in a tiny apartment, run my own business and make barely enough money to support myself. I gave him everything, and this is what we get in return, a big **** you it doesn't matter. His exact words to my sister last night on the phone 'what difference does it make, it doesn't matter'. It matters to us. I know that eventually in Alanon i will learn to not blame myself for being so stupid, and stop kicking myself for caring so much. I want to stop blaming myself, 'maybe I didn't call him enough and support him when he was sober' or 'if only i had gone home for more holidays it wouldn't have gotten so bad' I can't wait for that day, for that weight to be lifted off my shoulders. I'm more angry at what my sister went through for him, struggling through her final years of med school, working, moonlighting to make the extra money to pay his mortgage. I'm more angry that he did this to her, not me.
Some encouraging words would be great about now. I'm going to another Alanon meeting this afternoon, and plan on going to as many as I possibly can. My family is spread out over the country, all 3 of us in a different states, so I can't be with my sister now, even though we talk often, and I pass on what I read here. She doesn't have the hours that I do to stare at the computer, searching for relevant answers and supportive stories. She too busy saving lives
Thanks for listening
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
Hi kitty, welcome to SR
Don't beat yourself up over the actions of another person, if you can help it. Sure, detachment and letting an alcoholic hit bottom sound great in black&white, but as you can see from the many stories here, it's guilt-wrenchingly difficult to stand back and "let" the parent you love deteriorate. Many of us here helped our A-parent for many years out of loving hope for their well-being. In healthy parent-child relationships this would have been a tremendous show of strength. But in our relationships with an A-parent, it has become one-sided and parasitic.
You can probably see a lot of patterns from the stories here. With my own AF, no one's life experience is more tragic than his. Whenever I hit a rough point in my life and turned to him for a shoulder, his stories were always "worse" (therefore, I should suck it up and not complain, right?). He needs to keep believing his life was so bad in order to justify his alcohol-fueled reality. He needs to believe he is such a lost cause that there's no point in trying to make himself better. And his children should sit around, grieving with him, what he's gone through. Because other people did "worse" things to him, the "less bad" things he's done to us aren't "worth" being held accountable for. It's a very convenient reality... for him. I'm sure you can relate.
A mantra I've often repeated to myself is family is not a licence for abuse. Just because you're my dad, that doesn't mean you have the right to verbally/emotionally/financially abuse me. Just because something bad happened to you does not make it okay for you to be careless with me.
re: blame. I once read a very eye-opening article on toxic guilt. It claimed that we blame ourselves because we want to believe we have some form of control over the situation. That it's easier to blame ourselves than face the truth of how little control we actually have - especially if facing the truth means accepting that we will never have the parent we need them to be for us. That's a very tough reality to face, but kitty, it sounds like you've hit your bottom with your step-dad and have been waiting to see the next step. When I reached this point, the next step for me was grief. Tremendous grief - not because I want to sit around feeling sorry for myself - but because it hurts so much to realize how much work you put into this relationship from which you may never get a return. Even though you've been an exceptional daughter in supporting your step-dad, it doesn't sound like he has the ambition and know-how to reciprocate and be an exceptional parent in return.
That's not your fault. It never was, no matter how many holidays you didn't go visit him. You cannot control the decisions of another person. Therefore, your step-dad's decisions are not a reflection of your ability as a good daughter. His choices are not your failures, no matter how much you're tempted to believe it.
:ghug2 and welcome again to SR!
Don't beat yourself up over the actions of another person, if you can help it. Sure, detachment and letting an alcoholic hit bottom sound great in black&white, but as you can see from the many stories here, it's guilt-wrenchingly difficult to stand back and "let" the parent you love deteriorate. Many of us here helped our A-parent for many years out of loving hope for their well-being. In healthy parent-child relationships this would have been a tremendous show of strength. But in our relationships with an A-parent, it has become one-sided and parasitic.
You can probably see a lot of patterns from the stories here. With my own AF, no one's life experience is more tragic than his. Whenever I hit a rough point in my life and turned to him for a shoulder, his stories were always "worse" (therefore, I should suck it up and not complain, right?). He needs to keep believing his life was so bad in order to justify his alcohol-fueled reality. He needs to believe he is such a lost cause that there's no point in trying to make himself better. And his children should sit around, grieving with him, what he's gone through. Because other people did "worse" things to him, the "less bad" things he's done to us aren't "worth" being held accountable for. It's a very convenient reality... for him. I'm sure you can relate.
A mantra I've often repeated to myself is family is not a licence for abuse. Just because you're my dad, that doesn't mean you have the right to verbally/emotionally/financially abuse me. Just because something bad happened to you does not make it okay for you to be careless with me.
re: blame. I once read a very eye-opening article on toxic guilt. It claimed that we blame ourselves because we want to believe we have some form of control over the situation. That it's easier to blame ourselves than face the truth of how little control we actually have - especially if facing the truth means accepting that we will never have the parent we need them to be for us. That's a very tough reality to face, but kitty, it sounds like you've hit your bottom with your step-dad and have been waiting to see the next step. When I reached this point, the next step for me was grief. Tremendous grief - not because I want to sit around feeling sorry for myself - but because it hurts so much to realize how much work you put into this relationship from which you may never get a return. Even though you've been an exceptional daughter in supporting your step-dad, it doesn't sound like he has the ambition and know-how to reciprocate and be an exceptional parent in return.
That's not your fault. It never was, no matter how many holidays you didn't go visit him. You cannot control the decisions of another person. Therefore, your step-dad's decisions are not a reflection of your ability as a good daughter. His choices are not your failures, no matter how much you're tempted to believe it.
:ghug2 and welcome again to SR!
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