My son showed up at our door tonight...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Texas
Posts: 41
My son showed up at our door tonight...
He has been gone for a month with no contact. He says he is ready to stop using but I didn't see that in his eyes.
I hate to attribute this to him but I'm worried he is just tired, hungry, dirty and missing the creature comforts he grew up with and knows what we're looking to hear.
Now what do we do. I know what to say, "you must be sober to live here." But how do I wait and watch for that to happen? I am so torn between relief and dread.
I hate to attribute this to him but I'm worried he is just tired, hungry, dirty and missing the creature comforts he grew up with and knows what we're looking to hear.
Now what do we do. I know what to say, "you must be sober to live here." But how do I wait and watch for that to happen? I am so torn between relief and dread.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
LeeRoy, since he said we was ready to stop using, I think what I might do is either let him in for one night, or find him a place (again for one night) and give him the phone number of the local detox, where he can detox safely and where they will help him get into a rehab.
Then it`s his choice, choose recovery or choose wherever he came from that has worn him down.
If he`s ready, he`ll take positive action. If he`s not, helping him will just make it worse for you.
Keeping you and your son in my prayers.
Hugs
Then it`s his choice, choose recovery or choose wherever he came from that has worn him down.
If he`s ready, he`ll take positive action. If he`s not, helping him will just make it worse for you.
Keeping you and your son in my prayers.
Hugs
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I think allowing him to sleep the night would not change anything. Then in the morning, EARLY, no sleeping in allowed, give him the address of the nearest detox and the Salvation Army (which has a wonderful FREE rehab program.)
His actions over the next few months will tell you how serious he was tonight.
Standing firm is tough and very very hard, I understand so well. I can tell you however, that it was the best thing my parents ever did for me! Shutting the door in my face and going no contact.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
His actions over the next few months will tell you how serious he was tonight.
Standing firm is tough and very very hard, I understand so well. I can tell you however, that it was the best thing my parents ever did for me! Shutting the door in my face and going no contact.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
I AGREE WITH the others, the best thing my family did for me was to offer numbers for rehab and then shut the door with basically no contact that was meaningful to me. trust me, an addict will tell you what you want to hear if it will work to get what they want. pay more attention to is actions. you and your son are in my prayers.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Texas
Posts: 41
Thank you all for your support and good wishes. His DOC is marijuana so there are no obvious withdrawal signs, other than crankiness, etc. I did take the collective advice and tell him that sobriety has to be his pursuit and that I'm not going to make those arrangements for him any longer but gave him the telephone numbers to his counselor and outpatient sponsor.
I don't think he believes that he needs a program to stop. And though it might be true, I need to see some sort of involvement in active rehabilitation in order to trust his motives.
So I guess this where I step back and alllow it all to unravel? I have been quite the mother hen to my children and have done them a huge disservice. When I see how clueless/spoiled they are when it comes to solving their own problems I am just happy to have seen the error in doing and hope that they learn quickly how to make their own paths. Thank you for reminding me to focus and control only what I can......
I don't think he believes that he needs a program to stop. And though it might be true, I need to see some sort of involvement in active rehabilitation in order to trust his motives.
So I guess this where I step back and alllow it all to unravel? I have been quite the mother hen to my children and have done them a huge disservice. When I see how clueless/spoiled they are when it comes to solving their own problems I am just happy to have seen the error in doing and hope that they learn quickly how to make their own paths. Thank you for reminding me to focus and control only what I can......
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Texas
Posts: 41
About 6 months ago his "recreational" use that I knew of but that did not occur in my home, mostly on weekends kind of thing, turned into full blown chaos. This progress during his Senior year in high school. Some of this I attribute to an availability of cash since when he graduated his grandmother gave him a check for $3000 for school. None of that money made it through the summer. He and friends drove over the border in Mexico and bought Xanax/Bars, downers, uppers, etc. He became very depressed when he lost the final $800 or so after getting in a fight with a large gang of guys. This fight was reportedly due to out of control behavior brought on by taking a variety of drugs in addition to using air duster/huffing. A suicide attempt followed. Then more crazy drug related behavior which ended with him head butting his sister who is 15. He then went to rehab and was released early because he wasn't working the program, didn't want to be there and facility asked that he be discharged. He came home, got a job, began counseling and made arrangements for outpatient treatment but after about one week of work failed a random drug test. We then laid down the law regarding sobriety...if you want to use drugs that's your choice but you must leave our home, if you want to work on maintaining sobriety you may stay. He chose to leave and go to "stay" with his friends who are at university. He was suppose to begin as well but was in rehab at the beginning of the semester.
Not sure he is technicaly addicted but is definitely an abuser. Although his DOC is pot, when this was at its worst, he would take anything and in large amounts mixing all sorts of medications and street drugs.
He is rational and says he is tired of all of the crap that comes with drug use and will pursue sobriety. Also wants to go to college in December.
Comments from the more experienced? All input is welcome I am really at a loss to know how to best proceed. I alway want to believe the best of him but as you know, sometimes the person I know and the user are not the same.
Not sure he is technicaly addicted but is definitely an abuser. Although his DOC is pot, when this was at its worst, he would take anything and in large amounts mixing all sorts of medications and street drugs.
He is rational and says he is tired of all of the crap that comes with drug use and will pursue sobriety. Also wants to go to college in December.
Comments from the more experienced? All input is welcome I am really at a loss to know how to best proceed. I alway want to believe the best of him but as you know, sometimes the person I know and the user are not the same.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
So I guess this where I step back and alllow it all to unravel? I have been quite the mother hen to my children and have done them a huge disservice. When I see how clueless/spoiled they are when it comes to solving their own problems I am just happy to have seen the error in doing and hope that they learn quickly how to make their own paths. Thank you for reminding me to focus and control only what I can
I think you have the right idea. It is difficult to believe in words, no matter how much we would like to trust our kids. But actions do not lie...Let his actions tell you whether what he says now is going to be the reality. What would be acceptable for you? (not to try to stop or control him, but to make you comfortable with him in your home) Not using drugs, obviously but what else? Gainful employment? helping with chores? Acting respectful? I found if I focused on what I needed to maintain some sanity, it helped me established boundaries and send a clear message to my daughter.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
My 19 yo son is in a similar situation. DOC is marijuana but would use other drugs as available, mostly coke. He's not allowed to live with us any longer because he broke the rules after coming out of rehab. He's been living in a sober house in a town 150 miles away since August and has been doing pretty well (appears clean), but hasn't found a job. He is now wanting to go back to (technical) college in January and we have the funds put aside for that. We'll give him one semester -- if he fails, he's on his own 100%.
If I were you, I'd have to close the door on him. He hasn't shown you any reason to believe anything has really changed.
If I were you, I'd have to close the door on him. He hasn't shown you any reason to believe anything has really changed.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
I think the professionals would call this poly-substance abuse.
Learning how to cope with life as it is, instead of how one wants it to be, is maturity. Why cope, when this or that can temporarily make you feel like you have not a problem in the world?
So maybe your son has had a taste of the consequences and prefers a different life, or maybe he just wants to freeload....the entitlement thing. No telling.
If his desire to return to school is sincere as opposed to telling you what you want to hear, could you consider letting him earn the money or part of it, to do so?
Learning how to cope with life as it is, instead of how one wants it to be, is maturity. Why cope, when this or that can temporarily make you feel like you have not a problem in the world?
So maybe your son has had a taste of the consequences and prefers a different life, or maybe he just wants to freeload....the entitlement thing. No telling.
If his desire to return to school is sincere as opposed to telling you what you want to hear, could you consider letting him earn the money or part of it, to do so?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
LeeRoy,
How's it going now?
My instinct is that although he may love the mellow high of pot, he is, as outtolunch suggested, a poly-substance abuser. He has used many things and I guess I think that if he was primarily using just the m.j. his life would probably not be falling apart - it's a drug, yeah, but it just doesn't wreak the havoc that harder ones do.
If ever he calls on you and says he's ready, drive him to the treatment facility that you have already picked out. It will be easier on you if you have the plan in your mind, he will instantly pick up your resolve and when the rubber hits the road you will know if his statement (about getting clean) was sincere.
Best to you
How's it going now?
My instinct is that although he may love the mellow high of pot, he is, as outtolunch suggested, a poly-substance abuser. He has used many things and I guess I think that if he was primarily using just the m.j. his life would probably not be falling apart - it's a drug, yeah, but it just doesn't wreak the havoc that harder ones do.
If ever he calls on you and says he's ready, drive him to the treatment facility that you have already picked out. It will be easier on you if you have the plan in your mind, he will instantly pick up your resolve and when the rubber hits the road you will know if his statement (about getting clean) was sincere.
Best to you
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Marijuana may be considered a "light" drug, but it can surely wreak as much havoc as any other if abused. It is a very strong "de-motivator" and if used morning, noon and night you can imagine how nothing constructive ever gets done! It destroyed my son's 1st year of college -- no doubt.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Texas
Posts: 41
[B]Coffeedrinker[B] What a simple plan... I can't believe that I didn't consider exactly what we would do when he returned. I just assumed he would return and be remorseful and truly want to work on getting sober and maintaining sobriety. A romantic notion. I believe in his heart he is truly tired the circumstances his using puts him in but at this point still likes being high more than he hates being on the street, dirty, hungry, etc.
Also I feel like he thinks that these consequences are put upon him because as a society we are prudish and overly strict. For example, he got a tattoo of a marijuana leaf with THC imprinted on it. It is on his forearm for all to see. This, in his mind, should not cause him to be singled out for drug testing on the job or cause bad first impressions, etc.
In truth, this tattoo keeps him connected to the lifestyle that he says he no longer wants. It will surely attract every user to him and drive away a number of healthy opportunities for friendship and work.
Also I feel like he thinks that these consequences are put upon him because as a society we are prudish and overly strict. For example, he got a tattoo of a marijuana leaf with THC imprinted on it. It is on his forearm for all to see. This, in his mind, should not cause him to be singled out for drug testing on the job or cause bad first impressions, etc.
In truth, this tattoo keeps him connected to the lifestyle that he says he no longer wants. It will surely attract every user to him and drive away a number of healthy opportunities for friendship and work.
aka Miss Scarlett O'Hara
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 364
Good luck and hang in there LeeRoy! You have found a place with a lot of great advice and support. Lots of good advice above, and I'm not sure I'm qualified to add anything, but wanted to tell you you've found a place where people really do care and can understand what you're going through.
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