Introduction
Taking Baby Steps to Sanity
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Fremont, CA
Posts: 13
Introduction
Hello
My name is Susan and I am the codependent wife of a dry alcoholic, current drug user, sex addict.
I joined 2 - 12 step programs to deal with my issues around this.
I have a sponsor in one of the programs.
I am still working on detachment / step one.
I left my husband 3 weeks ago, when the threat of physical violence coming was made clear.
I have been surviving active emotional abuse for a year, and had therapy for 6 months in an attempt to cope.
I am fortunate my friends and family are supportive as I work to regain my strength, independence and sanity.
I look forward to reading your shares and feedback to my shares.
- Thanks, Susan
My name is Susan and I am the codependent wife of a dry alcoholic, current drug user, sex addict.
I joined 2 - 12 step programs to deal with my issues around this.
I have a sponsor in one of the programs.
I am still working on detachment / step one.
I left my husband 3 weeks ago, when the threat of physical violence coming was made clear.
I have been surviving active emotional abuse for a year, and had therapy for 6 months in an attempt to cope.
I am fortunate my friends and family are supportive as I work to regain my strength, independence and sanity.
I look forward to reading your shares and feedback to my shares.
- Thanks, Susan
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome, Susan, glad you joined us.
It sounds like you've come a long way already, and I am relieved that you were smart enough to get out before the violence began or escalated.
Others will be along, I'm just in and out quickly tonight, but I wanted to welcome you and encourage you to stick around.
Hugs
It sounds like you've come a long way already, and I am relieved that you were smart enough to get out before the violence began or escalated.
Others will be along, I'm just in and out quickly tonight, but I wanted to welcome you and encourage you to stick around.
Hugs
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Adding my welcome, Susan. You've made some great choices and being away from the madness will help you heal, I'm sure.
I found SR a great addition to my recovery program of meetings and reading. Glad you have joined us, although as others said, very sorry for the reasons why.
I found SR a great addition to my recovery program of meetings and reading. Glad you have joined us, although as others said, very sorry for the reasons why.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hi, just wanted to welcome you. sorry you have to be here but so glad you are. sounds like you are on your road to recovery and to that i commend you. it does get better. the addict in my life is my husband too. you and your family are in my prayers.
aka Miss Scarlett O'Hara
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 364
Wow, sounds like you are doing all the right things for yourself. Good for you! Good luck on your steps through your own recovery! Sounds like you have found a lot of support out there for yourself which is great. SR is a wonderful addition with lots of knowledgeable and supportive peeps. Welcome!
Taking Baby Steps to Sanity
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Fremont, CA
Posts: 13
Thanks everyone for responding. The last few days have been really rough.
My husband ended up in the hospital. He has not been eating, sleeping, was chasing women everywhere including my friends he was calling up to invite over to "hot tub".
3 weeks ago when I left he would not take his antibiotics that he received because the tooth he had just had pulled the socket was infected. He has also since been bitten by my cat, whom I cant catch as he has terrorized her and she hides now.
He claims his prostate infection is the result of the house being dirty from cats.
He yelled at me that he almost died.
His codependant parents ( both members of AA and al anon ) are now in the process of cleaning the house for him.
NOTE he tossed the contents of the cat box onto the back deck, piled the clean litter on top of it and terrorized the cats getting bit twice in the process, but now its my fault he had to clean it up. The cat left there is pooping behind furniture and wont come out.
His mother called me Thursday to tell me he was admitted to the hospital that he had a possible appendicitis. I didnt know how to respond, so I told her well I hope he is feeling better soon. She then went into "when are you going to come get your things, as He will be in the hospital for a few days. We had just picked up my young son from his first day in his new school and didnt have an answer. I also frankly didnt know how I felt about what was being relayed. She said well keep in touch and we hung up.
I am still going to three meetings a week. Yesterdays meeting was hard, as I literally had 3 hours of sleep the night before while doing the finger nails and chocolate diet. He text messaged me that he might need surgery and was in the hospital. I called my sponsor, and then when she wasnt available another long time member who had given me her number at a meeting telling me that something told her to after my share.
She told me, it dosent matter how you respond to this. It dosen't make you a bad person.
So I text messaged him back " Let me know if you want me there, or you need anything. I love you and I want you to get well."
The next morning he was text messaging me that someone had broken into his ***** and how he was going to "get back at them".
I called him to see how he was feeling. He was cordial and it was the first time we have talked on the phone in 3 weeks. He told me his cell phone was dying and got off the phone.
His mother called me and asked me to get a crew to get my things out of the house. I told her I was working on that, but I could not do it this weekend in a hurry. My father in law had warned he was going to "throw my things away" at just 4 days after me leaving. And of course asked me who was going to file for divorce. ( can we say dry but not sober?)
My mother in law informed me she thinks I need therapy to examine why this happened. I told her I was in therapy for 7 months WHILE it was happening. I know why it happened.
I called him after I went to the house to clean up some things bag up as many clothes as I could and to try once again to catch the cat. I asked him if he wanted me to bring him his cell phone charger as I know it must suck to be in the hospital without it working. He said "NO" but went on about the ***** account. I asked him how he was and he ignored me going on about things from a group of people we talk to whom he thinks are related to the email break in. I again asked him how he was, and he yelled "I ALMOST DIED" I got a lung infection that became a blood infection that became a prostate infection. I said are you sure it wasnt from the dry socket tooth you didnt take the antibiotics for? He yelled NO! I was cleaning on the back deck for the last two days.
Unfortunately my humility doesn't allow for me to ignore that hes probably just finding a way to make this my fault. Because I did tell him to go to the doctor last Sunday when he got the cat bite. And I did pick up the original antibiotics prior to me leaving because he threatened me.
His parents are clearly interested in removing me and all my things from the scene. Though I think at first his mother was trying to bring me back in.
As I said at the meeting.... we have one crisis going on, lets add to the drama and create another. Susan needs to get her stuff NOW.
In any event... I love him. I know hes sick. I know his family is as sick in their own way. I know I cant live like this anymore.. so I am moving out of it.
It doesn't make it easier.
I keep reciting the serenity prayer. I keep thinking, one day at a time. Easy does it. Live and let live and reading from an Al anon book each night ( which has frankly helped me more then anything. )
My break through s this week were: One, that I need to work on my humility. I am not better then the addict. I don't know all. Two that I was praying like I was ordering a "burger" telling god what to make up for me. Instead of asking for help to resolve these things for the best. Its been am amazing release for my serenity. And helped me a bit with coping with the stress of this week.
I look forward to your feedback. - Susan
My husband ended up in the hospital. He has not been eating, sleeping, was chasing women everywhere including my friends he was calling up to invite over to "hot tub".
3 weeks ago when I left he would not take his antibiotics that he received because the tooth he had just had pulled the socket was infected. He has also since been bitten by my cat, whom I cant catch as he has terrorized her and she hides now.
He claims his prostate infection is the result of the house being dirty from cats.
He yelled at me that he almost died.
His codependant parents ( both members of AA and al anon ) are now in the process of cleaning the house for him.
NOTE he tossed the contents of the cat box onto the back deck, piled the clean litter on top of it and terrorized the cats getting bit twice in the process, but now its my fault he had to clean it up. The cat left there is pooping behind furniture and wont come out.
His mother called me Thursday to tell me he was admitted to the hospital that he had a possible appendicitis. I didnt know how to respond, so I told her well I hope he is feeling better soon. She then went into "when are you going to come get your things, as He will be in the hospital for a few days. We had just picked up my young son from his first day in his new school and didnt have an answer. I also frankly didnt know how I felt about what was being relayed. She said well keep in touch and we hung up.
I am still going to three meetings a week. Yesterdays meeting was hard, as I literally had 3 hours of sleep the night before while doing the finger nails and chocolate diet. He text messaged me that he might need surgery and was in the hospital. I called my sponsor, and then when she wasnt available another long time member who had given me her number at a meeting telling me that something told her to after my share.
She told me, it dosent matter how you respond to this. It dosen't make you a bad person.
So I text messaged him back " Let me know if you want me there, or you need anything. I love you and I want you to get well."
The next morning he was text messaging me that someone had broken into his ***** and how he was going to "get back at them".
I called him to see how he was feeling. He was cordial and it was the first time we have talked on the phone in 3 weeks. He told me his cell phone was dying and got off the phone.
His mother called me and asked me to get a crew to get my things out of the house. I told her I was working on that, but I could not do it this weekend in a hurry. My father in law had warned he was going to "throw my things away" at just 4 days after me leaving. And of course asked me who was going to file for divorce. ( can we say dry but not sober?)
My mother in law informed me she thinks I need therapy to examine why this happened. I told her I was in therapy for 7 months WHILE it was happening. I know why it happened.
I called him after I went to the house to clean up some things bag up as many clothes as I could and to try once again to catch the cat. I asked him if he wanted me to bring him his cell phone charger as I know it must suck to be in the hospital without it working. He said "NO" but went on about the ***** account. I asked him how he was and he ignored me going on about things from a group of people we talk to whom he thinks are related to the email break in. I again asked him how he was, and he yelled "I ALMOST DIED" I got a lung infection that became a blood infection that became a prostate infection. I said are you sure it wasnt from the dry socket tooth you didnt take the antibiotics for? He yelled NO! I was cleaning on the back deck for the last two days.
Unfortunately my humility doesn't allow for me to ignore that hes probably just finding a way to make this my fault. Because I did tell him to go to the doctor last Sunday when he got the cat bite. And I did pick up the original antibiotics prior to me leaving because he threatened me.
His parents are clearly interested in removing me and all my things from the scene. Though I think at first his mother was trying to bring me back in.
As I said at the meeting.... we have one crisis going on, lets add to the drama and create another. Susan needs to get her stuff NOW.
In any event... I love him. I know hes sick. I know his family is as sick in their own way. I know I cant live like this anymore.. so I am moving out of it.
It doesn't make it easier.
I keep reciting the serenity prayer. I keep thinking, one day at a time. Easy does it. Live and let live and reading from an Al anon book each night ( which has frankly helped me more then anything. )
My break through s this week were: One, that I need to work on my humility. I am not better then the addict. I don't know all. Two that I was praying like I was ordering a "burger" telling god what to make up for me. Instead of asking for help to resolve these things for the best. Its been am amazing release for my serenity. And helped me a bit with coping with the stress of this week.
I look forward to your feedback. - Susan
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Susan,
Sounds incredibly painful, perhaps the pieces involving your in-laws most of all. (These people sound toxic!)
At the last meeting I went to, there was a reading about "waiting for clarity". I think it lets us off the hook when we feel the pressure to make decisions, or even just KNOW what our feelings are. Take your time.
I think the message you sent him in hospital sounded really great. Succint, mentioned that you love him, etc. Problem is I don't think he can hear you.
Keep in touch and know how strong you are: I think you already do though.
Christine
Sounds incredibly painful, perhaps the pieces involving your in-laws most of all. (These people sound toxic!)
At the last meeting I went to, there was a reading about "waiting for clarity". I think it lets us off the hook when we feel the pressure to make decisions, or even just KNOW what our feelings are. Take your time.
I think the message you sent him in hospital sounded really great. Succint, mentioned that you love him, etc. Problem is I don't think he can hear you.
Keep in touch and know how strong you are: I think you already do though.
Christine
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
Hi Susan,
This site had helped me tremendously!
Welcome aboard, and you get an "atta girl!"
from me!
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last. - Sir Winston Churchill
This site had helped me tremendously!
Welcome aboard, and you get an "atta girl!"
from me!
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last. - Sir Winston Churchill
Taking Baby Steps to Sanity
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Fremont, CA
Posts: 13
It just keeps getting more fun. sigh...
I have been over at my house packing during the day when he is away at work. I know he was taking my motorcycle out joyriding late at night, picking up women and taking it up close to 100MPH in San Francisco. ( we belong to a social site where he has said as much)
So I finally asked him for the keys and had a friend pick it up with me. ( I don't ride.. only passenger, but I bought this beast bike for us to share and I still owe money on it. And.. frankly the thought that he is using it to pick up women disgusts me. He offered to take over payments for me to own it. )
After I took the bike, he immediately took me off of the insurance for both the bike, the car the truck. Without warning, and on a Friday. I only found out Saturday.
When I picked up the bike his father was asking me why I didnt let him HAVE the bike. I just looked at him and said, well. Lets see, I paid for his truck engine to be rebuilt, his motorcycle engine, his leathers and helmet and gloves ( can we say about 2K) a new computer for him with all the doo dads (1450.?? ) and EVEN HIS JEEP 3K. All this before we even married.
Do I really need to leave him my motorcycle TOO?
His father in the mean time is evicting him and he has no money, his jeep is running poorly his truck not registered... yadda da dadda...
<< yes I am angry
His email asked me why I took his cat? ( gee could it be because I witnessed you punch him? or the fact that when I went there the cat could clearly NOT JUMP!?)
I got the "you were cheating on me" email from him two days later. You must have been having an affair with your new business partner, and I was so in love with you I didnt know. ( no, you were doing drugs and acting like a NUT! while I worked to getting cash flow with my old friend.. who is HAPPILY MARRIED ).
He thinks my business partner was the guy I had help me pick up the bike.
(rolls eyes)
He at the end of his email sent another that said, I know you gave me tons of things but why was it when you left it feels like you took everything, and how he misses my son.
Yes... he does clearly still know how to reach right in an rip my heart up. God they are so ****** good at this. sigh
I have not responded to his email. Not the accusations... not the tears.
I did however write a poem on it. I thought you may all enjoy it.
---------------------------------------------------------------
I don't want to see the tears
I don't want to hear the screams
I don't want to face any part of those or even in between...
We have been through all this already
The broken and shattered dreams
Your change of circumstance has no bearing on the past
You didn't apologize at all to me, you did not even give me a glance
Till all the sudden you find your bottom
that your reckless living has wrought
And you realize all the nastiness you dish out
will get you naught
The world retreats to leave you to deal with today
I hope to see you climb out of it all, and be ok again... some day
To you... you know who
Escape from Mania.. (C) 12/6/2009 - Susan
----------------------------------------------------------
Sorry for the vent... but its been a difficult couple of weeks.
I attend an in person meeting tonight. I am lookin forward.
- Susan
I have been over at my house packing during the day when he is away at work. I know he was taking my motorcycle out joyriding late at night, picking up women and taking it up close to 100MPH in San Francisco. ( we belong to a social site where he has said as much)
So I finally asked him for the keys and had a friend pick it up with me. ( I don't ride.. only passenger, but I bought this beast bike for us to share and I still owe money on it. And.. frankly the thought that he is using it to pick up women disgusts me. He offered to take over payments for me to own it. )
After I took the bike, he immediately took me off of the insurance for both the bike, the car the truck. Without warning, and on a Friday. I only found out Saturday.
When I picked up the bike his father was asking me why I didnt let him HAVE the bike. I just looked at him and said, well. Lets see, I paid for his truck engine to be rebuilt, his motorcycle engine, his leathers and helmet and gloves ( can we say about 2K) a new computer for him with all the doo dads (1450.?? ) and EVEN HIS JEEP 3K. All this before we even married.
Do I really need to leave him my motorcycle TOO?
His father in the mean time is evicting him and he has no money, his jeep is running poorly his truck not registered... yadda da dadda...
<< yes I am angry
His email asked me why I took his cat? ( gee could it be because I witnessed you punch him? or the fact that when I went there the cat could clearly NOT JUMP!?)
I got the "you were cheating on me" email from him two days later. You must have been having an affair with your new business partner, and I was so in love with you I didnt know. ( no, you were doing drugs and acting like a NUT! while I worked to getting cash flow with my old friend.. who is HAPPILY MARRIED ).
He thinks my business partner was the guy I had help me pick up the bike.
(rolls eyes)
He at the end of his email sent another that said, I know you gave me tons of things but why was it when you left it feels like you took everything, and how he misses my son.
Yes... he does clearly still know how to reach right in an rip my heart up. God they are so ****** good at this. sigh
I have not responded to his email. Not the accusations... not the tears.
I did however write a poem on it. I thought you may all enjoy it.
---------------------------------------------------------------
I don't want to see the tears
I don't want to hear the screams
I don't want to face any part of those or even in between...
We have been through all this already
The broken and shattered dreams
Your change of circumstance has no bearing on the past
You didn't apologize at all to me, you did not even give me a glance
Till all the sudden you find your bottom
that your reckless living has wrought
And you realize all the nastiness you dish out
will get you naught
The world retreats to leave you to deal with today
I hope to see you climb out of it all, and be ok again... some day
To you... you know who
Escape from Mania.. (C) 12/6/2009 - Susan
----------------------------------------------------------
Sorry for the vent... but its been a difficult couple of weeks.
I attend an in person meeting tonight. I am lookin forward.
- Susan
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I'm glad you got out of there and glad you got the cat out too.
I have found that you can often see a person's true character by the way they treat animals, and anyone who is mean to animals would not get one step into my home.
Keep working on you, let him and his dysfunctional family live in their own chaos.
You're doing fine, don't give up.
Hugs
I have found that you can often see a person's true character by the way they treat animals, and anyone who is mean to animals would not get one step into my home.
Keep working on you, let him and his dysfunctional family live in their own chaos.
You're doing fine, don't give up.
Hugs
learning to live for me
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: East Coast, US
Posts: 215
I second what Ann is saying.
Animal abuse is a giant red flag...and it is illegal.
Animals are the most helpless creatures in this world. And the fact that he would do that to the cat...is all you need to know (IMO).
Animal abuse is a giant red flag...and it is illegal.
Animals are the most helpless creatures in this world. And the fact that he would do that to the cat...is all you need to know (IMO).
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
My AXH would try to hook me back in with tears, guilt, sex, talk about my cat that is still there. It worked for a while. No more. I agree his parents sound toxic. I am glad you got your cat and your stuff. I believe that thing about when one door closes another one opens. Yeah.....a guy who would punch a cat is sick. I am glad we are all here.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
