4 step process to heal and move forward...
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4 step process to heal and move forward...
Today I came across some stuff I wrote as part of my 4 step closure process I did with my therapist. The process was for closure to move on. My final assignment with this I posted in April after no contact since February. It was a book essentially, but you can make up your own ritual. Here goes...
The first step is to write down everything that was good about the relationship. I hated this step because I wanted to remember the bad because I thought it would move me ahead faster, but writing down the good helps you see that you were not dumb for staying because there was some good in it, even if it was just a lesson. Mine was filled with everything from private jokes to listening to music he wrote. When you are done with the first step, come up with a ritual to say goodbye to it. Take your time and feel your feelings, as my therapist would say.
The second step is to wrote down all that was bad. This was harder than I thought. It ripped open old wounds, but allowed me to get rid of what was left of the hurt. It also reminded me why I left and that I made a healthy choice for myself. Again, come up with a ritual and say goodbye.
The third step is to write down what could have been. For me, much of this involved the wedding we had planned. It also involved the children I thought we would have and the white picket fence. Lol! You know, the one around every alcoholics house. This step helped the most because I spent a lot of time mourning who I thought he was and what my life should have been. I'm thankful for my life now, but wasn't back then. Come up with a ritual to say goodbye.
The final step is to write down everything you see. Both good and bad. All of mine were based on my fears in letting go. There were a lot of them! Come up with a ritual and say goodbye.
At the end of all of this, there is a final goodbye. I chose to write a very long post here to go public with my new self here and be honest about my journey. I also boxed up things he gave me with my therapist and said goodbye to the relationship, now packed in a box. Oddly, that was easy. Things he gave me no longer held a charge or link for me. They were just things.
Sorry for the typos in advance. I typed this from my iPhone. Lol!
Anyway, the whole process took me 5 weeks. My therapist thought it was important not to rush. After each step, she would have me do something yo soothe myself. Each week I would pick something, like a massage or a pedicure. Be patient with yourself also. We all get there in our own time.
Hope this helps! Hugs to all : )
The first step is to write down everything that was good about the relationship. I hated this step because I wanted to remember the bad because I thought it would move me ahead faster, but writing down the good helps you see that you were not dumb for staying because there was some good in it, even if it was just a lesson. Mine was filled with everything from private jokes to listening to music he wrote. When you are done with the first step, come up with a ritual to say goodbye to it. Take your time and feel your feelings, as my therapist would say.
The second step is to wrote down all that was bad. This was harder than I thought. It ripped open old wounds, but allowed me to get rid of what was left of the hurt. It also reminded me why I left and that I made a healthy choice for myself. Again, come up with a ritual and say goodbye.
The third step is to write down what could have been. For me, much of this involved the wedding we had planned. It also involved the children I thought we would have and the white picket fence. Lol! You know, the one around every alcoholics house. This step helped the most because I spent a lot of time mourning who I thought he was and what my life should have been. I'm thankful for my life now, but wasn't back then. Come up with a ritual to say goodbye.
The final step is to write down everything you see. Both good and bad. All of mine were based on my fears in letting go. There were a lot of them! Come up with a ritual and say goodbye.
At the end of all of this, there is a final goodbye. I chose to write a very long post here to go public with my new self here and be honest about my journey. I also boxed up things he gave me with my therapist and said goodbye to the relationship, now packed in a box. Oddly, that was easy. Things he gave me no longer held a charge or link for me. They were just things.
Sorry for the typos in advance. I typed this from my iPhone. Lol!
Anyway, the whole process took me 5 weeks. My therapist thought it was important not to rush. After each step, she would have me do something yo soothe myself. Each week I would pick something, like a massage or a pedicure. Be patient with yourself also. We all get there in our own time.
Hope this helps! Hugs to all : )
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Originally Posted by NYC_Chick 
It also involved the children I thought we would have and the white picket fence. Lol! You know, the one around every alcoholics house.
Thanks for your post, I have a feeling I will need to do something similar and it was very enlightening to read your post. It made me cry just THINKING of thinking of all the good the bad and the dreams.
I have a long way to go. Congratulations on your journey. And on being free from the emotional attachment to things. I always found looking at the 'things' to be difficult.
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The final step is to write down everything you see. Both good and bad. All of mine were based on my fears in letting go. There were a lot of them! Come up with a ritual and say goodbye.
Can you explain this one? do you need to write down everything you remember again, good and bad? or what you see NOW, both good and bad? or everything, past, present, future? LOL as you can see I am confused about this one...
Can you explain this one? do you need to write down everything you remember again, good and bad? or what you see NOW, both good and bad? or everything, past, present, future? LOL as you can see I am confused about this one...
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Ok, so the good and the bad in what I see. Most of mine were bad things in the what do you see category, but there are good things in them, if you want. One good thing I saw was a wedding dress. The downside to that wedding dress was it was the one I had picked to get married to xabf in. So, in my case, I had to tell a different story about my wedding dress because obviously it's not the dress I would pick to wear when I get married in the future. I'm not sure if that makes sense to you. The point my therapist was making in this last phase was that I could write my own ticket. I could re-write my story any way I wanted without xabf. I could take the good that would have also been included in my fantasy world with him, or leave it and create new good. She explained it better : ) Let me know if you need more clarification.
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Oh wow...Fergie was right, clarity brings serenity! (Sorry...last year I worked in music therapy and it sort of stuck!) My therapist keeps telling me b/c of my job I know what to do and could write a book...stupid, but sometimes I WANT to be told, lol!
Hugs--you made my day
Hugs--you made my day
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