Wow! I just had to laugh at this one...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
Wow! I just had to laugh at this one...
I have been working really hard on my poker face when it comes to exah. Try to be cheery, happy, pleasant, etc. when he is around. Do this for a few reasons...1) He thrives in the knowledge that women are sooooo hurt over him and can't possibly go on. 2)Gonna fake it till I make it! 3)He is so miserable in his own life because of HIS choices he cannot stand me being happy.
It really does help the attitude when he comes, for me to be on top of my game.
Last night he came by for 15 minutes and baby and I were on our way out to a MNF party. I was dressed. I was happy. I was cheery. When he left I told him to "see ya..have a great evening!" and baby and I drove off the same time he did.
A few hours later when he knew we would probably be home he sent a text:
exah: Did baby get some dinner (long story)
Me: ya
Exah: Good..happy (he was being sarcastic because of my short reply)
Me: Very....actually
Exah: You know if you weren't so controlling, things could be different. You suck.
I didn't respond.
I thought that was the funniest text and so out of left field! Where in the heck did a statement like that come from? Why? I know I am not supposed to overanalyze but made me realize that even though he is sleeping with many women, still can drink like a rock star, come and go as he pleases.....HE IS MISERABLE! He is like one of those hamsters on a wheel...running faster and faster and can't get off but wonders why he is so tired.
I am so far from happiness most of the time. I am trying so hard. Im lonely. Im tired. Im sad. I also hate to admit it, but I still love the guy. Why? Yuck. He has done horrible things to me. How can I possibly love a man like that? I still have fantasies sometimes that he will become this changed man. That we could be the family I dreamed of us being Wow! That is reaching! But, even with my lonliness and tiredness...I know baby and I are alot better off with the way things are now rather than what they were when he was around. He hasn't changed one bit...maybe just gotten a bit worse.
Smile is on my face! Gonna fake it till I make it! At least in public anyway
It really does help the attitude when he comes, for me to be on top of my game.
Last night he came by for 15 minutes and baby and I were on our way out to a MNF party. I was dressed. I was happy. I was cheery. When he left I told him to "see ya..have a great evening!" and baby and I drove off the same time he did.
A few hours later when he knew we would probably be home he sent a text:
exah: Did baby get some dinner (long story)
Me: ya
Exah: Good..happy (he was being sarcastic because of my short reply)
Me: Very....actually
Exah: You know if you weren't so controlling, things could be different. You suck.
I didn't respond.
I thought that was the funniest text and so out of left field! Where in the heck did a statement like that come from? Why? I know I am not supposed to overanalyze but made me realize that even though he is sleeping with many women, still can drink like a rock star, come and go as he pleases.....HE IS MISERABLE! He is like one of those hamsters on a wheel...running faster and faster and can't get off but wonders why he is so tired.
I am so far from happiness most of the time. I am trying so hard. Im lonely. Im tired. Im sad. I also hate to admit it, but I still love the guy. Why? Yuck. He has done horrible things to me. How can I possibly love a man like that? I still have fantasies sometimes that he will become this changed man. That we could be the family I dreamed of us being Wow! That is reaching! But, even with my lonliness and tiredness...I know baby and I are alot better off with the way things are now rather than what they were when he was around. He hasn't changed one bit...maybe just gotten a bit worse.
Smile is on my face! Gonna fake it till I make it! At least in public anyway
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
What? Sorry, but, that last jab was purely juvenile and reminded of what a 4 year old would say when not getting what he wants "well,...um... you're STUPID!!".
Thanks for posting that startingover2. It gave me a much needed laugh this morning.
Thanks for posting that startingover2. It gave me a much needed laugh this morning.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Girl, you'll have more and more of these moments when you're truly happy. And when he sees it, he'll work extra hard to bring you back under his control.
You'll be happy happy. I promise. Keep staying away, keep ignoring him, especially when he's charming and tries to convince you that he cares.
He doesn't.
You'll be happy happy. I promise. Keep staying away, keep ignoring him, especially when he's charming and tries to convince you that he cares.
He doesn't.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Originally Posted by transformyself 
Girl, you'll have more and more of these moments when you're truly happy. And when he sees it, he'll work extra hard to bring you back under his control.
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 63
Funny ?
Absolutely !
But there was a truth to the controlling comment....just not the way even he realized.
Saying You are so controlling means he hates that you have control of YourSelf !!....
You now have enough of your own self control that he can no longer MAKE you react the way he wants.
He has lost control over you and can't stand that you no longer will enable him.
I'm guessing that You showing self control and not enabling him is the equivalent of saying.
"Screw you and the mutated horse you rode in on....Marinate in your Own misery....you no longer affect me."
(sorry, I'm in a snarky mood today...having AH issues of my own...he's been in bed over 24 hours with the poor me attitude....and I am not doing anything but things I need to do...he's being ignored.)
*
edit:
I meant to add that your EXAH was actually paying you a compliment....unwittingly....
:-D
Absolutely !
But there was a truth to the controlling comment....just not the way even he realized.
Saying You are so controlling means he hates that you have control of YourSelf !!....
You now have enough of your own self control that he can no longer MAKE you react the way he wants.
He has lost control over you and can't stand that you no longer will enable him.
I'm guessing that You showing self control and not enabling him is the equivalent of saying.
"Screw you and the mutated horse you rode in on....Marinate in your Own misery....you no longer affect me."
(sorry, I'm in a snarky mood today...having AH issues of my own...he's been in bed over 24 hours with the poor me attitude....and I am not doing anything but things I need to do...he's being ignored.)
*
edit:
I meant to add that your EXAH was actually paying you a compliment....unwittingly....
:-D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
I think you are right! When he left last night we were on our way out, looking good and happy. We never even had a cross word. Just a smile and happiness. His comment was so random.
Like I said...I am far from pure happiness and am sad and lonely alot. But I put a smile on my face as much as I can. Its gotta get better right?
Like I said...I am far from pure happiness and am sad and lonely alot. But I put a smile on my face as much as I can. Its gotta get better right?
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hey Starting, me too, lately running into XABF I've looked MUCH BETTER (thinner and dressing more fashionable) because my family is coming, because I feel stronger, because my cats are lovely, well, about stuff going on in my life...
....and it still gets me to hear his voice and I still get anxious and my heart still beats and its as if with no contact I can go on, thinking it was all a nightmare, but no, he is around and reminds me of the reality of everything and I feel shame for having chosen someone who turned out to be like that.
When I saw him before I did not give a damn about how I looked, and I hope I can go back to not giving a damn again. I have found that is my ego speaking, not me.
It makes no difference at all. If he seems me smiling, if he sees me crying, if he sees me married with 2 kids, if he never sees me again. If he remembers me or if he erased our story magically. Nothing ever will be a reason for me to break contact. If he feels miserable or is the happiest guy around, that is all just more drama I do not need.
I have learned he will think and say and act and look in whatever way, it has no relation to me at all. Thank God. I used to try to look great and act happy and together for him to see me, to hurt him or to prove I too, am over it, guess what buddy, just as you move on well I move on too and forget you too.
There are several parties coming and I am thinking about going, taking bf, having a damn good time. Trying to hurt him and look what he lost, yadda yadda, well if he did not realize I was worth something then I do not think he will do now. And even if he did, what then? Nothing.
But all that is still giving the insect more of my energy and time. I strive for the moment when I just don't play. When my inner voice is stronger than my ego. When I don't try to "win". When I'm OK not demonstrating anything. When I think about ME and only me, and my dear ones and my activities and that's all.
Sorry for rambling so much...
I guess... for me, you can just BE, and feeling sad or lonely does not make you less... who cares if he thrives or not seeing you in a bad shape... people that thrive when others have a bad time are miserable because there is no compassion in their hearts... I know because I was one. Now of course if you feel like smiling and looking great and making an extra effort to get out there FOR YOU, FOR YOUR BABY then by all means go ahead!!
Whatever you do, do it for YOU... and if you are away from that kind of man then I would say that alone is a good reason to smile because you were saved from madness. You may be alone nowadays but lonely? lonely is to live next to an alcoholic in deep denial. In my short life on this earth having gone through tough times (just like everyone).. I have known no worse loneliness than that.
One day at a time.
And yes it will get so much better!!!!
....and it still gets me to hear his voice and I still get anxious and my heart still beats and its as if with no contact I can go on, thinking it was all a nightmare, but no, he is around and reminds me of the reality of everything and I feel shame for having chosen someone who turned out to be like that.
When I saw him before I did not give a damn about how I looked, and I hope I can go back to not giving a damn again. I have found that is my ego speaking, not me.
It makes no difference at all. If he seems me smiling, if he sees me crying, if he sees me married with 2 kids, if he never sees me again. If he remembers me or if he erased our story magically. Nothing ever will be a reason for me to break contact. If he feels miserable or is the happiest guy around, that is all just more drama I do not need.
I have learned he will think and say and act and look in whatever way, it has no relation to me at all. Thank God. I used to try to look great and act happy and together for him to see me, to hurt him or to prove I too, am over it, guess what buddy, just as you move on well I move on too and forget you too.
There are several parties coming and I am thinking about going, taking bf, having a damn good time. Trying to hurt him and look what he lost, yadda yadda, well if he did not realize I was worth something then I do not think he will do now. And even if he did, what then? Nothing.
But all that is still giving the insect more of my energy and time. I strive for the moment when I just don't play. When my inner voice is stronger than my ego. When I don't try to "win". When I'm OK not demonstrating anything. When I think about ME and only me, and my dear ones and my activities and that's all.
Sorry for rambling so much...
I guess... for me, you can just BE, and feeling sad or lonely does not make you less... who cares if he thrives or not seeing you in a bad shape... people that thrive when others have a bad time are miserable because there is no compassion in their hearts... I know because I was one. Now of course if you feel like smiling and looking great and making an extra effort to get out there FOR YOU, FOR YOUR BABY then by all means go ahead!!
Whatever you do, do it for YOU... and if you are away from that kind of man then I would say that alone is a good reason to smile because you were saved from madness. You may be alone nowadays but lonely? lonely is to live next to an alcoholic in deep denial. In my short life on this earth having gone through tough times (just like everyone).. I have known no worse loneliness than that.
One day at a time.
And yes it will get so much better!!!!
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