Confused by urges

Old 11-09-2009, 06:46 PM
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Confused by urges

Somebody please slap some sense into me.

This must be what it's like when an alcoholic relapses. I had a total meltdown over the weekend, freaked out over AH talking to his affair partner from last year.

Since, I've been doing ok, getting ready for a conference I'm attending Wed-Sunday, but for some reason I'm compelled to snoop. Look up the OW on facebook. Call my AH to see if he's hanging out with her (we're separated)

I swear to you, I was in the clear. For several weeks I didn't give a crap what he did. I know that was real.

Why do I care? Why is this tormenting me? It's like a demon, following me. Laughing at me, luring me back. I know I shouldn't call him or even THINK about him. What does it accomplish? He's most likely drunk anyway.

Little things are triggering me. Stuff that I haven't had to deal with for a long time, like jealousy over my friend texting him to ask a question about music. Like him calling my phone to talk to the kids, so now I think of course he's got plans and is out at the bar where he can meet her.

This drove me CRAZY when we were separated last summer and he was living with her, partying all over my little neighborhood with her. Thankfully he was nasty enough to me during our joke of an attempt at reconciliation that I was sick of him and glad to be rid of him for a good month. Really! I woke up every morning thankful to the high heavens that I had escaped. God I hate that man. I truly do.


Wait. I think that worked. Oh that's right. He doesn't deserve to lick my shoes, as my friend so nicely stated the last time I caught him with his bimbo. Or was it the time before...

Boy this stuff is such a mind game. Thanks for letting me vent. And if you have any brilliance regarding why my heart keeps trying to sabotage my happiness and serenity, I'd appreciate sharing. Especially if you've been through this.
TF
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Old 11-09-2009, 06:58 PM
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Sometimes I think my life is too quiet, and I really was addicted to some of the drama. Like a 5 year old, negative attention is at least attention, right?
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Old 11-09-2009, 07:06 PM
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Like toilet paper stuck on your shoe, you know the one that he sh!t on????
You may never be able to get the sticky smell off it...because sh!t stinks, it just does.
Might have to trash those shoes in the dumpster.

Knowing just hurts you...that is all it does.
He has hurt you enough.
Try to be nicer to yourself than he was and is and don't look for pain.
I don't know what he is doing, but whatever it is there isn't a thing you can do about it.

Gosh, why don't you imagine all the rottenest, meanest things he has said and done to you and imagine he he is doing it to her, because he will, he will.
That's a torture fantasy that would be based on reality.
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Old 11-09-2009, 07:23 PM
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I don't know the why of it - but I know that I have to sit down (literally) and really think about these feelings (whatever they are) when they hit me.

Why am I feeling this way? What is triggering this? Is it healthy for me to react to this feeling? Would it be better for me to simply let the feeling pass through me, rather than reacting to it? Etc.
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Old 11-09-2009, 07:28 PM
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Live he DID do all those things to her.
He cheated on me with herm then
He cheated on her with me
Her worst fear was he would go back to his wife and family and he lied about it until he knew I would take him back and then he did it.
He told me that because they both drank massively, they would have horrible fights.

Ugh. Yep that's working.

I don't want that. I want a man who ADORES me. Every day. I might just be lonely too. Even when we were fighting and chaotic and things were drama filled, I wasn't alone like I am now. I think I may miss our family being together.

But but but, when we were together I was sick all the time. Physically ill. Depressed. Terrified. My kids and I are so much better off away from him. I've noticed lately that I am so much closer to the kids since I left him.

*******. He raged at me while I cried. He went to a work party where she was so he could talk to her. I had known about it for three weeks and asked him if I should get a sitter so we could go and he would yell at me, "WE CAN'T GO, SHE'LL BE THERE" and accused me of living in the past. Of not letting go. I felt horrible about myself, second guessed myself constantly. I thought if I just worked harder, loved him more, we could get through this.

Then, the night of the party, he came home, showered and left to go "meet his dad." but instead called me from the bar to say he and his dad were going to the work party so he could introduce his dad to some people. I was stunned, absolutly stunned. I had begged him not to do anything like this to me. I cried so hard I couldn't breath. I screamed at him. He acted like it was all innocent, I was over reacting.

Then the next day he told me he had asked her to go outside and smoke with him, apologized to her for a letter he had sent her saying he was working on his marriage and she should stop contacting him. That letter was the only thing that made me feel like I meant more to him than she did, and he apologized to her for it.

Oh yeah, that works. That makes me sick.
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Old 11-09-2009, 07:29 PM
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Hi transform!! oh well it all comes in waves you know, its not linear. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one breathe at a time...

Toxic patterns have been there for years or decades, detoxing from them will take a while too. As long as you keep your focus on your ultimate objectives, these are all just temporary distractions. As long as you do not act, you will be ok. Keep moving forward!!
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Old 11-09-2009, 07:31 PM
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Agreement here, transform, from a person who wondered those very things.

Usually I could trace my obsession to a cause that had NOTHING to do with him. There were hormonal shifts, or my self-esteem had just taken a kick to the shins for some reason, or I wasn't feel good about myself, or I wasn't getting enough sleep, or or or or, and just like picking at a scab, my mind went back to him. My favorite obsession target.

Years of habit have burned neat little neural pathways between certain feelings and your ex. You're still in the process of rewiring them. Ride these waves out as best you can and try to do better each time they hit you.

Now, about that conference. Tell me how great that's going to be

and p.s.: He's poop. Not worth the calories expended to snoop. Hey, I'm rhymin'
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Old 11-09-2009, 07:36 PM
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Liveweyerd- That was great, I just needed to read exactly that!
I had just called my best friend because I couldn't focus on my studies (i'm studying to be a psychologist, so I can fix the world ) but I just could not stop obsessing about HIM, for the moment.

And I did the SAME thing, use to go look at his fb page, and HERS to see their pics, were they together, what were they doing??? And yep, they were, and seeing it hurt and hurt and hurt some more!
So, I made the choice to block him and her. Really NO contact. I was so tired of putting myself through the pain. It is pointless. He has hurt me enough.

He had actually blocked me a while ago, but for whatever reason decided to unblock me. He knew I would go look at his picture....boy did he have me pegged! So I'm fairly sure that he put a pic up that he knew would hurt me. I'm sure he expected an emotional reaction.... but all he got was me blocking him. Now I can't see him, he can't see me. And I can REALLY try and move on. And in a wierd sense, blocking him kinda gave me a little of my power back.
I know how you feel!

Still stuck with my thoughts! But it's a process. And reading your posts makes the pain go away a little more each day.
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Old 11-09-2009, 07:38 PM
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Hey Transform...

What you are experiencing sounds absolutely draining. I don't have any suggestions on why you are feeling urges, but a professional I'm sure could help you to sort out your feelings.

I honestly feel for you and what you are putting yourself through and I so hope you begin heal. You mention that you have been detaching, but it seems if you aren't speaking to him directly, you are asking him to explain his whereabouts, or looking up his ex. This I would imagine is torture for you. Did you get a chance to look into any free clinics today?
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Old 11-09-2009, 07:47 PM
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transform, instead of competing to win a loser, how about competing to lose him quicker?
Change the game plan, make a new game of it in your head.

LALALALALALA.....gee, won't you be looking so suave at your conference, some loser whose name is J-a$$ will never get to see me or be with me because he is just a loser and I am a winner...the NA-NA-NA-NAAAAAAA song. Super-transform's a champoin...oh, wait that is a Queen song. Who is the Queen? Roll out the red carpet, a star is born,...oh, wow, did you see her just turn up her nose at that guy stuck to window by his tongue looking at her?

The hurt will pass. The hurt will pass.

You can SO do so much better than him!!!!!!!!!
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Old 11-09-2009, 07:48 PM
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Give Love have I told you lately that I love you?
Now, about that conference. Tell me how great that's going to be
This will be my second DPA conference. They're held bi-annually and every human who can give me a job in drug reform will be there. I ran a successfull oped project for one of the sponsoring organizations but they moved me to Staff Writer because we only have an operating budget for about 3 more months only so I'm helping with development. We;re a non profit so the economy is eating us alive.

Anyway-I only work part time for these guys and REALLY need full time work so I"m hoping someone there will give me more work.

I also telecommute and will be meeting many of my colleges in person for the first time.

Last conference, I had two men that were very forward with me and bought me dinner and paid a great deal of attention to me: the man who won the lifetime achievement award, and a DA from the east coast. At the time it was so bizarre to me and I'm not expecting it to happen again but looking back on it I think those men saw and treated me so differently than my AH ever did, I wasn't able to fully comprehend the message there. That I am beautiful, smart and capable. I remember thinking at the time, now here's a man I could really be happy with.

But I went home to AH and kept up the fighting, the pain, kept running after him. Like a child.

This time, I feel sort of beaten. I am desperate for a job. I have been to hell and back in these last two years. I'm not looking for external validation from men (and wasn't two years ago either, that's what took me so by surprise) but I know I'll meet many wonderful, dedicated, inspirational people and that this time will propell me forward in my work for a good long time.

And, I get to room with this amazing, 60 year old woman who is still spanking hot, brilliant and wise. I love her.
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Old 11-09-2009, 07:51 PM
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gerry
you are asking him to explain his whereabouts, or looking up his ex.
Nope not doing that at all. I was thinking about it, but came here first to ask for help, which I thankfully am recieveing and feeling much much better now.

Yes, I looked at some clinics and also talked to an attorney who said keep it quiet until the divorce is final so he can't use it against me.

Also went to yoga today.
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Old 11-09-2009, 07:51 PM
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WOW....what an opportunity!

There sounds like there is so very much THERE for you!

you go, girl!
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Old 11-09-2009, 07:53 PM
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live this is so funny, you are so funny
Who is the Queen?
I am a Leo and really identify with it, hence the lioness and her cub on my avatar. Leo's are very regal and full of themselves so yes, I can relate to this

Oh thank you guys! I'm so glad i came here instead of white knuckling it because I was afraid you'd tell me how horrible I am or how scared you are for me and I need to go get help. Which I do, and will, but that doesn't help at 10pm on a Monday...
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Old 11-09-2009, 08:03 PM
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Usually I could trace my obsession to a cause that had NOTHING to do with him. There were hormonal shifts, or my self-esteem had just taken a kick to the shins for some reason, or I wasn't feel good about myself, or I wasn't getting enough sleep, or or or or, and just like picking at a scab, my mind went back to him. My favorite obsession target.

Years of habit have burned neat little neural pathways between certain feelings and your ex. You're still in the process of rewiring them. Ride these waves out as best you can and try to do better each time they hit you.
GL this is sheer brilliance. Thank you. These urges are nothing more than gooey brain habits. Ew.

Goodnight wonderful SR family.

You guys did it! I am happy and excited and ready to finish packing for my trip tomorrow. Spend the last night with my little guys.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
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Old 11-09-2009, 08:04 PM
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Sorry Transform, I miss read your post and yes SR is a great place to come to when you need to vent and get perpective.

Enjoy the conference and hope that you get some leads for a full time job while you are there. You know, I'm just thinking...it's very possible that you will be feeling less vulnerable once you find full time writing.
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Old 11-09-2009, 08:05 PM
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Kitty!
And reading your posts makes the pain go away a little more each day.
Thank you!
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Old 11-09-2009, 08:08 PM
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Perfectly understandable Gerry, and you're freaking brilliant!
.it's very possible that you will be feeling less vulnerable once you find full time writing.
this hadn't even occurred to me, but you're right, so right.
I just need more work, all though I am afraid the thing I need to do the most is finish my book proposal and get an advance to write my memoir. Won't that be fun..We;ll need a huge bottle of anti-anxiety meds for that one....

Last edited by transformyself; 11-09-2009 at 08:23 PM.
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Old 11-09-2009, 08:10 PM
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packed up the red,
headed to bed,
tomorrow I'll reign
over all the insane...
hip. hop.

hey, I am nevah gonna make it as a wrapper. LOL

G'nite dear!
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Old 11-09-2009, 08:19 PM
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The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. Maybe instead of trying to learn to hate him, you should work towards not giving a damn about him.

L
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