Ann

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Accepting Love

Many of us have worked too hard to make relationships work; sometimes those relationships didn't have a chance because the other person was unavailable or refused to participate.

To compensate for the other person's unavailability, we worked too hard. We may have done all or most of the work. This may mask the situation for a while, but we usually get tired. Then, when we stop doing all the work, we notice there is no relationship, or we're so tired we don't care.

Doing all the work in a relationship is not loving, giving, or caring. It is self-defeating and relationship defeating. It creates the illusion of a relationship when in fact there may be no relationship. It enables the other person to be irresponsible for his or her share. Because that does not meet our needs, we ultimately feel victimized.

In our best relationships, we all have temporary periods where one person participates more than the other. This is normal. But as a permanent way of participating in relationships, it leaves us feeling tired, worn out, needy, and angry.'

We can learn to participate a reasonable amount, and then let the relationship find it's own life. Are we doing all the calling? Are we doing all the initiating? Are we doing all the giving? Are we the one talking about feelings and striving for intimacy?

Are we doing all the waiting, the hoping, and the work?

We can let go. If the relationship is meant to be, it will be, and it will become what it is meant to be. We do not help that process by trying to control it. We do not help the other person, the relationship, or ourselves by trying to force it or by doing all the work.

Let it be. Wait and see. Stop worrying about making it happen. See what happens and strive to understand if that is what you want.

Today, I will stop doing all the work in my relationships. I will give myself and the other person the gift of requiring both people to participate. I will accept the natural level my relationships reach when I do my share and allow the other person to choose what his or her share will be. I can trust my relationships to reach their own level. I do not have to do all the work; I need only do my share.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

Ann

I like this reading today, because this is something I have applied to all my friendships and relationships.

When I am the only one keeping in contact, when I am doing all the work the keep the relationship/friendship alive, then it's probably time to let this friendship fade to fond memories or take on its own dynamics.

I have friends who I no longer contact, others who I call or write a couple of times a year, and I no longer worry about how active they are. Some friendships last a short time, some a lifetime, but I would rather have a handful of close friends who give as much as I do, than have 100 friends who I struggle to stay connected with.

To me, that defines how to discern between a healthy friendship and one that is one sided.

Hugs

rebec

Thank You Ann, That is just what I needed to read today. God Bless

supportforme

Ann

You have no idea how much strength I gain from reading your posts. Thanks.