talking
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 277
talking
Will try to post with one word since the last submittal didn't work.
I understand the didn't cause it, can't control it or cure it...
and the denial on their part can be so strong..
I was just wondering if you still try to talk them into seeing that they have a problem or perhaps true detachment is going your way and letting them go theirs.
I read an article last night where they asked a group in recovery if anyone had said anything to help them get to that point ... in an attempt to figure out what it is alcoholics need to hear....and the answer was no.
Do you still talk with your alcoholic about their alcoholism? Does it seem to help?
I understand the didn't cause it, can't control it or cure it...
and the denial on their part can be so strong..
I was just wondering if you still try to talk them into seeing that they have a problem or perhaps true detachment is going your way and letting them go theirs.
I read an article last night where they asked a group in recovery if anyone had said anything to help them get to that point ... in an attempt to figure out what it is alcoholics need to hear....and the answer was no.
Do you still talk with your alcoholic about their alcoholism? Does it seem to help?
Only a few short comments on that subject if and when ABF brings it up himself, otherwise I keep my thoughts to myself or on this site.
Just now I have gut feeling that he is getting toey, that a breakout could easily be ahead. I am trying to decide whether to ask if cravings or a trigger are causing concern, or just keep my mouth shut and hope it is just indigestion on my part. He said last time he was sobering up, for me to let him know if I was worried and he would tell me honestly if he was having a problem, but things change later when completely sober, so I am a bit wary of rocking the boat.
If he does hit the drink, from past experience it could be a rough ride, and staying detached would be hard as we live in the same complex, but being prepared is some help.
God bless
Just now I have gut feeling that he is getting toey, that a breakout could easily be ahead. I am trying to decide whether to ask if cravings or a trigger are causing concern, or just keep my mouth shut and hope it is just indigestion on my part. He said last time he was sobering up, for me to let him know if I was worried and he would tell me honestly if he was having a problem, but things change later when completely sober, so I am a bit wary of rocking the boat.
If he does hit the drink, from past experience it could be a rough ride, and staying detached would be hard as we live in the same complex, but being prepared is some help.
God bless
Do you want another adult (not a professionally licensed therapist or job supervisor) talking to you about YOUR problem? A problem that you are not willing to admit exists?
I tried talking to my AH about his drinking. He would come back with the standard: I was drinking when I met you. I'm not as bad as _________. I don't cheat. I have a steady income, etc....
I realized later after learning more about the codie/alkie relationship (dance) that he was quacking and I was nagging. We were not communicating.
I did try to communicate some of my boundaries. Not a whole laundry list, but one at a time, and only if he was sober and in a calm mood. I didn't want to sleep with my AH when he was smashed. He had sleep apnea and would start/stop snoring and sound like he was struggling for air throughout the night. Even with ear plugs in my ears it was too loud.
So one morning when he was remorseful and filled with self pity for sleeping alone, I told him that he makes too much noise when he sleeps after having more than a few beers. I don't get a good nights sleep when he is so loud. I stated my boundary(in hind sight I see that I added justification) and that was that.
He didn't offer to stop drinking and he didn't offer to sleep on the couch. I continued to use the air mattress as needed. It was later in the progression of addiction, that I suggested he put his drunk self on the air mattress.
If you're anything like me, you've talked to him about it ad nauseum. I tried reasoning, crying, begging, yelling, manipulation, threats, videotaping him drunk and showing it to him, talking to his friends, relatives..........well, you get the idea.
The last conversation we had about it went something like this:
HIM: I'm not letting you or anyone else control me!
ME: You're right, you're a big boy, you do whatever you want. I'll decide what I need to do.
HIM: *mouth open, silence*
L
The last conversation we had about it went something like this:
HIM: I'm not letting you or anyone else control me!
ME: You're right, you're a big boy, you do whatever you want. I'll decide what I need to do.
HIM: *mouth open, silence*
L
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
Ya don't pull on Superman's cape,
Ya don't spit into the wind,
Ya don't pull the mask off the old lone ranger,
....and ya don't talk to non-recovering A's about their addiction/alcoholism!!!!
freya
(adapted from Jim Croce)
Ya don't spit into the wind,
Ya don't pull the mask off the old lone ranger,
....and ya don't talk to non-recovering A's about their addiction/alcoholism!!!!
freya
(adapted from Jim Croce)
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I was just wondering if you still try to talk them into seeing that they have a problem or perhaps true detachment is going your way and letting them go theirs.
Do you still talk with your alcoholic about their alcoholism? Does it seem to help?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 105
I haven't bothered talking to him about his drinking. Once was enough - he knows what I think and he doesn't agree, surprise surprise! Now he's my ex, so it's really not my business anyway. I think that the last person to be able to make them see the light is their significant other. I've often hoped that one of his friends would say something but it hasn't happened as far as I know. Shame because he might feel less pressure from a friend.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 247
I decided Sunday to quit talking to him about his problems. He just avoided/denied/manipulated the conversation. Then I got mad, and we ended up in the same place we always have.
It's been very quiet in my life since. We have nothing left to talk about, besides the kids.
It's been very quiet in my life since. We have nothing left to talk about, besides the kids.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 247
I guess you could say I did this. I forced him to drive to his parents, and tell them the whole story of why he was living with them.
Then I told all of them that unless he got serious help for his problems - not just ordering a few books and going to yet another counseling appt - I was leaving him. And I was taking the kids, and he would not be able to see them while he was still actively drinking.
His parents and I agreed that counseling had not worked in the past. We all suggested treatment. So it was a very unplanned intervention, but still an intervention none the less. Did it work? THAT remains to be seen. He says he willingly left, although it was not his own idea.
What did happen was he left to get help, and it helped me to sort out my life and my part in this relationship. His parents finally saw that I am not the winch he painted me to be. My family saw him for who he really was, behind closed doors.
So to make a long story short, whether or not treatment works for him - it worked for me. I have changed my life 100% and can't wait to see what the future holds for me.
Then I told all of them that unless he got serious help for his problems - not just ordering a few books and going to yet another counseling appt - I was leaving him. And I was taking the kids, and he would not be able to see them while he was still actively drinking.
His parents and I agreed that counseling had not worked in the past. We all suggested treatment. So it was a very unplanned intervention, but still an intervention none the less. Did it work? THAT remains to be seen. He says he willingly left, although it was not his own idea.
What did happen was he left to get help, and it helped me to sort out my life and my part in this relationship. His parents finally saw that I am not the winch he painted me to be. My family saw him for who he really was, behind closed doors.
So to make a long story short, whether or not treatment works for him - it worked for me. I have changed my life 100% and can't wait to see what the future holds for me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 247
Maybe I should explain that I had kicked him out a week before this happened, and he told his parents he had a little too much to drink over the weekend. He said that someone I worked with told me some lies about what happened, and I was mad at him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 277
I would like to know more about your story - do you have a link to a post that would help me? I admire your approach.
Lavash, I think that you pegged some of it, interventions can involve codependence. Sometimes an intervention is what helps an addict hit bottom, but unless that is the case, forced "recovery" isn't going to work. Addicts don't get well until they need to get well and other people can't tell them when to need it.
Its an interesting discussion point, to be sure.
Its an interesting discussion point, to be sure.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 247
I will do some digging and see if I can find the major part of the story. I posted previously under another name. When I registered on this site I was dumb enough to use a username and password that he and I used on alot of other accounts...duh! Then he came back from rehab and kept using my laptop while I was at work. Decided it was time to change my name.
The words I used went something like this...
"I refuse to get in the same car, and drive down the same road with you, thinking I will end up in a different place. I have been down that road so many times before, and I deserve better. If you are not willing to try to make it better, I will do it on my own. It's your choice."
I was also very clear that if he entered and completed rehab, I made no guarantees about the future of our relationship. I have not told him that I love him or I miss him since he left for treatment, and probably way before he left. I just stopped saying the words - because I wasn't sure I meant it. I try to keep physical contact to a minimum - have not kissed him since before this all happened. I want to be sure I mean these things before I do anything to make him think there is a glimmer of hope to this relationship.
We have been separated since mid-September. He comes to my house to see the kids, and eat dinner with them when he is not working. He also comes over here to check the computer to see when he is going to work (although he has a computer at home) - my therapist pointed out that he is still manipulating the situation so he can still come to the house everyday...she is right.
So last week I told him I didn't want to see him for a few days and sent our son to stay with him at his house. He showed up friday nite, wanting to take me to dinner because he missed me. I told him he hasn't given me the chance to miss him yet, he is here all the time anyway.
He got the hint.
The words I used went something like this...
"I refuse to get in the same car, and drive down the same road with you, thinking I will end up in a different place. I have been down that road so many times before, and I deserve better. If you are not willing to try to make it better, I will do it on my own. It's your choice."
I was also very clear that if he entered and completed rehab, I made no guarantees about the future of our relationship. I have not told him that I love him or I miss him since he left for treatment, and probably way before he left. I just stopped saying the words - because I wasn't sure I meant it. I try to keep physical contact to a minimum - have not kissed him since before this all happened. I want to be sure I mean these things before I do anything to make him think there is a glimmer of hope to this relationship.
We have been separated since mid-September. He comes to my house to see the kids, and eat dinner with them when he is not working. He also comes over here to check the computer to see when he is going to work (although he has a computer at home) - my therapist pointed out that he is still manipulating the situation so he can still come to the house everyday...she is right.
So last week I told him I didn't want to see him for a few days and sent our son to stay with him at his house. He showed up friday nite, wanting to take me to dinner because he missed me. I told him he hasn't given me the chance to miss him yet, he is here all the time anyway.
He got the hint.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)