cessy68

He has been gone since Friday. I have very mixed emotions over this. His stuff is still here, I heard through the grapevine he is staying w/ a friend.

I'm so angry right now. This alternates w/ a severe feeling of emptiness., and self-doubt. (did I do the right thing).

I hoped he'd take his stuff when I was working Sat. night... but he didn't. I don't want to see the empty closets, but I don't want this crap relationship the way it is anylonger.

How do I push through, and stay no-contact. I recieved a long text last night, w/ the "im sorrys".... and the "I love yous"..... of course it was at 2a.m.

Go figure.

I know nothing changes, if nothing changes.... Yet I find it hard, to not want to stay in the "if we just work on it, it wil get better" mode.

Please, help me. I'm looking forward to my new life, yet I'm so very very sad, that nothing turned out the way I hoped for w/ him and I. I still love the man very much. I know I deserve more.

Love,
Cess

sailorjohn

The best way to get over it is to get over it. Get rid of his stuff. If need be, change your telephone number. Don't answer the emails, don't even read the emails, or the text messages for that matter.

Everything you're looking for is inside you, not him or anyone here for that matter.

How do you do no contact? You just do it. I'll use the terms from the other twelve step program, when that little codie voice in your head says 'read the text message' or 'call him'-ignore it. That voice is just telling you lies. The more you do it, the easier it will get.

cessy68

Thank you SJ, you're sounding like a real pro!! I've never been a cut and dry person, to me most things have a grey area.

However, I know with this, you have to be solid, strong.. black/white.

I did not respond to the text. I have not called him. That alone is progress for me. When I have aske him to leave before.......I always cave. When the 'promises'came, it was so what I wanted to hear......... and I'd let him come back.

One thing that is keeping me strong, (really the only thing that is 'working' for me right now), is a firm belief that negativity breeds negativity. I want happiness/love/light/peace/hope/ and laughter in my life.......... if I am with him, (although he has his great qualities obviously), addiction has dragged him down. He is sprialing downhill w/ his business, health, attitude etc. Although he is functioning o.k. still, you can see all the negative. I don't want the negative around me anymore. I'm starting to look at it as he's 'contagious', and I don't want to catch what he has.

Thank you for listening and responding to me.
Love,
cess

barb dwyer

I know this tactic.
It's their way to guarantee an excuse to come over if the 'something enw and interesting' doesn't work out.

Pack it up. Then either put it in storage, giving him the key (and the bill)
or take it to a third party's location for him to pick up.

remove all potential excuses for him to come over
(and subsequently.... not leave)

Do you have a resource circle to help you in 3-D?

I recommend having no contact unless someone 'stronger' is present.

I changed the locks on my second husband - he broke out a window and crawled in.

They want to keep the door open in case they have to come back.

Screw that.
Nail it shut.

I am sorry it's painful right now...
but that will pass.

I'd block the phone #, ignore the internet (if he uses that)
make a police statement (so you have something to fall back on when he does the breaking and entering thing ... because I'm willing to wager it'll escalate to that.)

change the locks.

and don't answer the door.

too bad you can't like .... let now be the time to experience Paris.

but only fiction works that way.

You've made a decision.
I'm just trying to help you stick to it.

cessy68

I almost did that, then I spoke to our mutual friend, and he said, "why should you waste the energy? Let him come fetch his own stuff, he knows when you are at work......, if he comes while you are home, just leave., I wouldn't even bother."

hmmm.

P.s. Paris would be nice if I could fly.... (I hate to fly). I thought about taking a trip today though, and thought to myself, maybe now is the time to re-invent me. To let this be a lesson in my own faith, and learn to move past fear, and really live life for me. Fear has always kept me stuck.

THankyou for the reply.

Love,
cess

sailorjohn

I'm only a pro in the sense that I've been down this road many times with the ex, I always had excuses for ignoring the advice I was given here, it always ended up the same way, me going back.

No, you don't have to be strong, just resolute. Be resolved to do it, after a while you will get stronger and it will get easier, but if you cave and go back, it just gets more difficult, like picking at a scab instead of just allowing it to heal.

IME, better to not even read the texts, I played that game myself, 'I won't read them' then go back later and read them, ditto with emails. Just delete them as soon as they come in. I am getting better at that, the last text I read just enough to get the jist of what she wanted-some of her crap I had forgotten about-deleted the text as soon as I figured it out, dropped the stuff off and am done with it.

Does she have any of my stuff-so what.

Good way to look at it, keep in mind that you're already infected and the only effective treatment involves quarantining yourself from the source of the infection. And follow the rest of the medical advice, before you know it you'll be feeling 1000% better.

Anytime.

Abundance

Cessy.. you DO deserve more!

I like the idea of re-inventing yourself.

In order for me to go no-contact..... I had to block his emails and his phone numbers. I literally went through a detox. I blogged about it on a near daily basis in my blogs. Writing it all out helps a ton. So recognize that you are going to be a bi-polaring all over the place. For me it was several times during the day, if not, hour.

Stay close to SR...and keep your eye on the prize...... which is YOU!

It helps me to know that if we are meant to be ...... we will be. Just, right now, while he was in active addiction, there was not a chance. So, we needed some distance for so many reasons. I was being brought down right along with him and I wound up suffering SO many consequences.

Oh boy - do I know those late night text messages. They are just words Cessy. It sounds more to me like you are letting go with lovingly detatchment which is SO healthy!

Keep being good to yourself. Remember H.A.L.T. (Hungry, angry, lonely, tired).... always check in with yourself in regards to the acronym. You gotta take care of yourself.

This isn't easy, and people told me it would get easier........ and........... they were absolutely correct!

Wish I could give you a big hug!!!!!!

xoxoxo

cessy68

Thank you. I'm trying very hard to only focus on me..... I found myself talking to myself last night, tossing and turning. It sucks. All I kept saying, to myself, was "this is better than the way you were living".

I just know it's going to get harder. As much as I told him to leave, as I said above, I don't want to see the empty closets. I don't want him to REALLY leave, I want things to change. I know they can't /won't/ so I have to stick to my guns. AND THAT stinks. (doing something out of survival, rather than because it's what you REALLY want). If that makes any sense at all.

Love,
cess.

imallright

Keep saying that Cess... "this is better than the way we were living." That is one of my mantra's too. There are many times that now doesn't seem better and it hurts like heck... but you don't miss that you miss what COULD be. So, keep moving forward and keep taking care of you and the pain will start to subside. It's a roller coaster ride. Just when I think I can't take being alone any more and I wonder why I didn't just put up with it and leave it alone... I get a glimpse of him in action or get some type of reminder and BOOM... it strengthens me and reminds me of WHY I had to make the decision I did.

It's hard to move on and get connected to life again... but it IS better than wasting life with someone who couldn't... not wouldn't... couldn't participate.

Keep talking.

cassandra2

I am sending you lots of hugs and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Just keep telling yourself NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES.

If it makes you feel better tell yourself that he will continue on his path of addiction as long as you stay and "work on things".

Maybe just maybe if you stick to your guns this time he will start to feel the pain of his consequences.

tjp613

Cessy - Look at the empty closets a different way: Look at them as PROGRESS and moving toward a better life. The empty closet represents SPACE and FREEDOM to be who you were meant to be!!!

About your friend who said "why waste the energy"?...sorry, but they were totally off base. Get some big old garbage bags and just start throwing the stuff in there. ALL OF IT. Tell him it's on your porch (or wherever) and to come and get it before you get home at ____ or you will throw it in the trash. Change your locks.

JUST DO IT. It's cathartic and empowering in most cases.

Thinking of you today......

justtired

Good for you Cessy. I was very happy to read this post this morning. Just keep hanging on. Just do it one day at a time and pretty soon you will be happier, and you won't need to remind yourself that you are better off without him.

I was planning to leave my abf this weekend too. But apparently I'm a big freaking wuss. Thank you for taking this step. Hang in there this time and don't look back. I really, honesty, truly believe you are doing the best thing for you.



JT

Callie

Cess, I'm sorry - but glad for you at the same time! I was GLAD to read this post this morning!! You're on your way to a new life! I agree with tjp613 about the empty closets. Grab some garbage bags and start stuffing. Let him sort the mess out. Him picking it up is just another opportunity to manipulate or con his way back in. You know he will try to pull out every stop in the book. They all do. I also agree about changing the locks and blocking calls.

Now, take it easy on yourself and make some changes in your life! Get a different haircut, a manicure, facial, take up a yoga class, pick up a good book or start a hobby that you've been wanting to try. I think for me, if I didn't make some changes in myself or my life I'd be focusing on the fact that he's not here. Go shopping and fill the empty side of the closet with your stuff to be the new Cessy. For me it also helps to put down those 'self help' books and get off of the subject for a while. I love Jodi Picoults writings, pick up one of her books. Cess, take care of yourself. You're going through withdrawal, just like an addict does. I firmly believe this.

sodetermined

This has been me for almost 5 years. A week ago yesterday, I asked my alcoholic/addict to leave. You are I are in the same boat, I still have his things, etc. I struggle minute to minute with not calling him. I just wrote a post on the other forum (FF of alcoholics). I asked him not to call, but when he doesn't I wonder why. I answer the phone twice last week for him, and when he tried calling Thursday, I let it ring...three separate times, it was hard but I feel more empowered. We CAN do this. You are not alone at all in how you feel. By giving in to them, we give them more power, and we end up feeling worse.

But what we've always done just leaves us more miserable, and certainly hasn't changed anything with them...so all we can do is get better ourselves.

JadedOne2009

"this is better than the way you were living".


Yes, it is! I also agree with the stuffing of the garbage bags! Changing of the locks, blocking the texts/calls, etc. Break-ups are traumatic - no matter what the reason. Each person gets over them in their own way, at their own pace.


I understand this perfectly. As in the past I used to do things that I thought were going to "MAKE HIM SEE THE LIGHT". Like, if I threatened to move out with the kids, or whatever 'ultimatum' I came up with, but, turns out, it wasn't really helping matters any. Of course you don't want him to leave, you invested a lot of years in what you thought was a happy relationship. And of course you want him to CHANGE. But, we all know that we can't make someone change. No matter what your reasons are for having him move out, having him continue to live with you was causing you too much distress. What he does with his life now is up to him. All you can do is let him fall and hope for the best.


How's the job decision coming along? Make fun plans for the weekend with your kids! Paint your bedroom a funky new color. Buy a new bed-in-a-bag set that is totally opposite your usual style.

And always remember you're doing what you have to do to make a happy, healthy life for yourself.

Freedom1990

Why would I waste the energy? To be done with it.

I'm sure your mutual friend means well. Take his advice with a grain of salt.

As long as that stuff sits in your house, you are still giving a certain amount of control to the BF.

For me, taking charge of my life means doing what I need to do, and not waiting on someone else's actions.

Make any sense?

outtolunch

There is no such thing as "we" when it comes to addiction. "We" cannot work on it. He owns his addiction and his own recovery. There is nothing you can do to make it better or worse for him.

No doubt, his next step will be to promise to get clean and how he needs your support to do so, ala don't kick the dog, when it's down. This plays well into your need to believe that you have some control or influence over him and his choices.

Cessy, you did not cause him to become addicted. You know you cannot control his addiction. And take it from the rest of us, you cannot cure his addiction. His addiction has nothing to do with you. It's not personal, although I know it feels that way, right now.

His addiction seems to have been the focus of your life for a long, long time. It's time to restore that focus on yourself. Support Cessy, not addiction.

kj3880

I'm happy for you. IMO, you've definitely done the right thing. Now get rid of that stuff to a third party ASAP. Then take that closet, and make it a haven for your favorite hobby (for me, quilting.) I made "his" closet into a fabric storage area. I look in it now and it is filled with beautiful cotton colors and prints stacked on shelves that I bought. It makes me want to stitch just to look in there, and that beats crying, or dialing.

Love,
KJ

coffeedrinker

Cess,

More of much the same here, but I HAD to chime in! When my addict left for work last spring, it was during that absence that he started using heavily, and I became aware of it. I was in SO MUCH grief I was consumed by it non-stop. I not only started smoking, but would get up during the night to have a smoke, I cried every single day for a month and felt so hurt and betrayed. I now know better.

When his shirt was there for me to be able to pick it up anytime and smell it, I cried every time.
When I took the pictures off my dresser, when I started to pack his things he left behind and putting them in the basement, and when I let the phone ring the first time, it was amazing how I felt power (in a good way!) coming back. It is incredibly empowering to take ACTION to make your life your own again.

I was always hung up on the "what if's". "What if I hurt him so badly that he never comes back" was probably the worst. We are always hopeful that they will change, for good, and ya know what? Maybe one day he will. But we can't live in the possibility, only the now.

Peace,
Christine

cessy68

I agree. That is the one reason I wanted to pack it up. In addition, I felt, that if I left it there, in some indirect way he could use that against me. Either to come and get it, w/out saying anything to me, (like teaching ME a lesson), or to use it as an opportunity to get back in.

Unfortunately I didn't sleep at all last night, and have to work 4pm to 1 am tonight..... so I went back to bed this a.m., just woke up, and only have time to get ready for work and get there on time.

SO..... 1 of 2 things are going to happen. Either while I'm at work tonight he will come get the stuff, and I'll TRY not to be sad looking at the empty closets, but I will have to excercise SELF - CONTROL and NOT use that as an attempt to feel like I didn't have the last word, or let it bother me...

OR

He won't come get it, (which I doubt), he really left EVERYTHING here.... he probably needs his clothes by now; and I will pack things up tonight......

Thank you all.

I am scared that I will crumble. Please keep me in your prayers (asking for strength).

Love,
Cess