Just some thoughts
Formerly known as soconfused11
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
Just some thoughts
A week ago today, I kicked my emotionally/verbally abusive alcoholic/meth addict bf out once again. Since Wednesday, I have gone no contact (before Wednesday, he had called me and I answered). The contact I did have with him when he called, I turned down his invite to "get together". For me this is major progress. The last time he tried calling me was Thursday. I am in therapy twice a week, attended my first CoDA meeting, read "Facing Codependency", and about to start reading "Women Who Love Too Much". I have really been trying to focus on me (and my son).
I am still struggling with obsessing over him. What is he is doing, where he is at, who he is with, why hasn't he called (even though I asked him not to...my sick head). I have his things in my garage, and when I kicked him out last Sunday, I told him when he wanted his things to have his mom call me and she can come and get them or I can take them to her (where he normally stays). So while I am obsessing and wondering what he is doing, the thought comes to me..."hey, I still have his things, I could call out to his mom's for that reason, and maybe I can also find out what he's been up to". Then I tell myself no, that is controlling and not healthy for me. But the thought keeps popping up. Obsessing.
If history repeats itself, he will call...soon. And THAT scares me...or it scares me to think of whether I will be strong enough to NOT answer. When he tried to call, I asked myself what good would come from the conversation? He will either 1) blame me, and tell me how I'm just giving up on almost 5 years...and make me feel bad or 2) be mean and accuse me of having another man...but still when he tried to call me at work on Thursday, I became so anxious and was for that whole day....followed by sadness on Friday. It's amazing how just a number popping up on caller id can cause such a reaction. A part of me still wants to have a normal conversation with him, which I am pretty sure is not possible.
Something else I've realized...I was laying in bed Friday thinking about everything...going over the "bad" in my head (as to reassure myself to keep staying strong, keep moving forward, don't call him)....and I just became so emotional and angry and bitter. His abuse to me and my son (mostly verbal), him going to another woman 2 days after our breakup (and living with her), the still attempting to keep her in his life "just in case" (after we got back together)....all the crap that he did...and I realized how very hurt I still am over things that have happened up to 3 years ago...and I realized that I am angry with myself for taking him back so very many times, for me LETTING him do all the crap he did to me and my son...not only am I angry with myself but I have realized (please forgive me because for many of you this is probably old news)....but I have realized I have suppressed so many feelings and emotions by taking him back...and it's like I am dealing with the hurt all over again....mean things he has said...calling me a "c-nt, *****, crazy b-t-h", the other woman, treating my son crappy....it's like all these feelings are flooding over, and it's A LOT. I never allowed myself to deal with it...just kept taking him back, avoiding my issues.
Then I find myself thinking to myself how much of a mess I am, and how I am dealing with all of these emotions and going through the pain and anger...and how he is out drugging and drinking...without a care in the world....it almost seems as if he is better off. I can guarantee he is feeling less pain than I am.
I've been doing a lot of reading on here lately...and it is so amazing to me the similarities in them....how they always think it's our "other boyfriend" that is making us strong....the selfishness, abusiveness, blaming, irresponsibility....but yet at the same time, a lot of us loved ones are also so very similar (which is why I think these boards make me feel less alone).
Oh...and I had a conversation with my son yesterday (who is 10). He just finished his hunter's safety class and got his certificate. He told me how the instructor told them if they ever came cross a bottle in the woods, that looked like it had chemicals...to call the police right away (we live in a rural area and there have been a lot of meth labs found in the woods). He told me that he knows C uses drugs, and I told him how drugs and alcohol changes people and makes them mean, and that is why C isn't living with us. He said to me "yeah, I'm glad because I was about to hire someone to kill him with one of those silencers...you know those guns that are silent". I was speechless.
I am still struggling with obsessing over him. What is he is doing, where he is at, who he is with, why hasn't he called (even though I asked him not to...my sick head). I have his things in my garage, and when I kicked him out last Sunday, I told him when he wanted his things to have his mom call me and she can come and get them or I can take them to her (where he normally stays). So while I am obsessing and wondering what he is doing, the thought comes to me..."hey, I still have his things, I could call out to his mom's for that reason, and maybe I can also find out what he's been up to". Then I tell myself no, that is controlling and not healthy for me. But the thought keeps popping up. Obsessing.
If history repeats itself, he will call...soon. And THAT scares me...or it scares me to think of whether I will be strong enough to NOT answer. When he tried to call, I asked myself what good would come from the conversation? He will either 1) blame me, and tell me how I'm just giving up on almost 5 years...and make me feel bad or 2) be mean and accuse me of having another man...but still when he tried to call me at work on Thursday, I became so anxious and was for that whole day....followed by sadness on Friday. It's amazing how just a number popping up on caller id can cause such a reaction. A part of me still wants to have a normal conversation with him, which I am pretty sure is not possible.
Something else I've realized...I was laying in bed Friday thinking about everything...going over the "bad" in my head (as to reassure myself to keep staying strong, keep moving forward, don't call him)....and I just became so emotional and angry and bitter. His abuse to me and my son (mostly verbal), him going to another woman 2 days after our breakup (and living with her), the still attempting to keep her in his life "just in case" (after we got back together)....all the crap that he did...and I realized how very hurt I still am over things that have happened up to 3 years ago...and I realized that I am angry with myself for taking him back so very many times, for me LETTING him do all the crap he did to me and my son...not only am I angry with myself but I have realized (please forgive me because for many of you this is probably old news)....but I have realized I have suppressed so many feelings and emotions by taking him back...and it's like I am dealing with the hurt all over again....mean things he has said...calling me a "c-nt, *****, crazy b-t-h", the other woman, treating my son crappy....it's like all these feelings are flooding over, and it's A LOT. I never allowed myself to deal with it...just kept taking him back, avoiding my issues.
Then I find myself thinking to myself how much of a mess I am, and how I am dealing with all of these emotions and going through the pain and anger...and how he is out drugging and drinking...without a care in the world....it almost seems as if he is better off. I can guarantee he is feeling less pain than I am.
I've been doing a lot of reading on here lately...and it is so amazing to me the similarities in them....how they always think it's our "other boyfriend" that is making us strong....the selfishness, abusiveness, blaming, irresponsibility....but yet at the same time, a lot of us loved ones are also so very similar (which is why I think these boards make me feel less alone).
Oh...and I had a conversation with my son yesterday (who is 10). He just finished his hunter's safety class and got his certificate. He told me how the instructor told them if they ever came cross a bottle in the woods, that looked like it had chemicals...to call the police right away (we live in a rural area and there have been a lot of meth labs found in the woods). He told me that he knows C uses drugs, and I told him how drugs and alcohol changes people and makes them mean, and that is why C isn't living with us. He said to me "yeah, I'm glad because I was about to hire someone to kill him with one of those silencers...you know those guns that are silent". I was speechless.
Formerly known as soconfused11
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
What can you do to replace thinking about C? New activities for you and your son?
Last month I did a calendar, and planned different activities through the month..corn maize, going to see "Where the Wild Things Are"...carving pumpkins, etc. I told myself (I was still with C then) that NO MATTER WHAT, that Ryan and I would still follow through with out plans...because so much stuff has gotten ruined in the past. And we did each and every one...I think that might have helped me get to the point of surrendering, calling the therapist, and realizing I want a better life. I started a calendar for this month...like going to see the Jim Carey Christmas Carol, decorating the house after Thanksgiving, having "Home Alone" movie night (we love those movies). It just seems like no matter what I am doing those nagging thoughts never go away. The psychiatrist (which I see next Tuesday or Wednesday) had me take a psychological test last week...he wanted to be very thorough in diagnosing me as opposed to just putting me on another anti-depressant, which I am thankful for. So maybe some meds will help with the obsessing? He told me after our first meeting (an hour and a half) that I use the word obsess a lot...but don't all codies?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Wishin' I was on the Beach!
Posts: 1,415
Our kids know more than we think they do... even when we think we're doing a good job protecting them from what's really going on. My son has said similar things. They are angry... After my AH left, my son did terrible in school.. ie failing grades. I was also depressed during that time... I worked, ran the kids where they needed, fed them supper then I was a couch potato... just sat there watching tv every evening. My son's therapist was wonderful, talked to me too (I didn't have insurance on myself). I learned that grieving is normal for about 6 months. With the trauma of what we've been through living with addiction, it did take me a couple months longer to get over the depression. The thoughts you're having will pass in time... you'll notice your obsessing will become less over time. Keep doing fun things with your son, visit friends, etc.
My ex asked to come back a few months after he left... but he was still using, nothing had changed. I had to tell him no. My sanity could not take another round of this. The kids are so much happier now. Things will get better for you, but it will take time. Hopefully, not as long for you.. (I was married 20 yrs.)
My ex asked to come back a few months after he left... but he was still using, nothing had changed. I had to tell him no. My sanity could not take another round of this. The kids are so much happier now. Things will get better for you, but it will take time. Hopefully, not as long for you.. (I was married 20 yrs.)
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Yes, the obsessing is maddening, but it will get better. Each day that passes and you successfully stay No Contact, the better off you will be.
And yes, I went thru a LONG period of being angry with myself (when I had a similar relationship/breakup way back when). I think it was even easier for me to forgive him that it was to forgive myself. I still struggle with it because I was REALLY an idiot. Seriously. But I realize that we all do the best we can in life using the tools available to us. Sometimes we just don't have the tools. It's OK. Now we do....or we know how to get them.
It's all good.
And yes, I went thru a LONG period of being angry with myself (when I had a similar relationship/breakup way back when). I think it was even easier for me to forgive him that it was to forgive myself. I still struggle with it because I was REALLY an idiot. Seriously. But I realize that we all do the best we can in life using the tools available to us. Sometimes we just don't have the tools. It's OK. Now we do....or we know how to get them.
It's all good.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
I am glad you ate back and getting help. I hope you are able to stay no contact this time. I understand you are having a bad time, but feel particularly bad for your son. Please get him some help. Alcoholics/addicts leave such scars on children. I was one of them. He did not ask for this and clearly is not happy about what he happened in your house with your ex.
Sending strength and prayers.
Sending strength and prayers.
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