supportforme

My AH keeps telling me that he's depressed. He needs time to clear his head. I'm trying to support his recovery; however, when I see him so depressed, I suspect that he has relapsed. I feel as though he doesn't want to be here. When I found out about his affair in August, I told him I wanted a divorce and she could have him. He begged and pleaded and finally admitted to an addiction. I love him and we have young children - he was so sincere about his regrets then. Now, he seems so depressed all the time. I've told him that maybe he needs to get away and we should seperate so he can recover and figure out what he wants. He gets upset and tells me he wants his wife and children - he's just depressed. He blames his affair on the addiction. However, there is the fact that something was missing for him in our marriage. Problem is he had an affair with a woman that is very different and any sensible person would think he was crazy (Other woman: 43 year old, single, go-go dancer who knowingly had an affair with a married man... Me: 36 yr old mother of 2, Vice President Major Financial Institution, probably would have been justified in having an affair - but never did.) There's a part of me that thinks he's only trying to be with me, because that's the sane thing and how could anyone want the other life that almost destroyed his family. After 13 nights of working and hearing how depressed he is and how much he misses his family, my AH was finally off yesterday. He went up to woods to hunt He comes home and keeps asking what's the matter. Truly, I'm starting to let go and I just enjoyed my evening with the kids. I need to let things take their course. But, he seems so miserable. We talk and he just tells me he doesn't know what to do - I offer to help. Nothing. Is this normal? Could he be in recovery and still be so depressed or am I kidding myself and he's back on the pills and his guilt makes him want to avoid us? I've asked him all of this. He says no but you all know I don't believe a word out of his mouth.

teke

hi, sorry i can't answer your questions but i can share my esp, as a recovering addict, i can say that the life of addiction is a miserable life to live. depression sometimes comes when the addict is crashing or craving. if it gets too severe, maybe he can see a doctor. is he following a plan of recovery or is he trying to quit on his own? there is not much you can do to help him, he'll have to help himself.

if i had to make a suggestion, it would be to watch his actions and not words. follow your gut feelings about whether or not he may be using and do what ever you need to do to take care of you and your kids. have you attended any alanon/naranon support meetings for yourself yet? if not, now is a good time to start. keep the focus on you, he's gonna do what he's gonna do.

you are not to blame for any of his actions and imo, that also includes his infidelity. remember to protect yourself, your finances and your kids. you and your family are in my prayers

ex D-Boy

Hi support, as a fellow recovering opiate addict (heroin and oxycontin) I just wanted to give some insight into the depression issue.

Depression is a direct post acute withdrawal symptom that us opiate addicts must go through. It can last months and might even be a full year before it goes away. The reason for this is because our brain had began to adjust to receiving endorphins from an outside source (the pills // dope whatever) Repeat the cycle of using over and over and the brain begins to completely stop producing any endorphins at all.

Take the drug away and what are you left with? A brain with dopamine receptors that are in shock and completely empty. This is what sends us into a deep depression, we are literally receiving NO ENDORPHINS at all. The brain takes time to re-adjust and start reproducing the natural endorphins.

If anything, I would say it is a GOOD sign that he is depressed. If he were to quit oxy and suddenly become all magical and bubbly it would lead me (and most likely any other addict) to believe he used. Things take time, but the good news is that the body and mind can repair itself completely and he will become whole again.

Hope that helped some ~~ Scott

cassandra2

Supportforme....I really sympathize for where you are right now. I have been there. I just want to say what has helped ME.

Right now I am sure that you own self esteem is somewhere in the toliet. Not only has the beast of addiction entered your relationship but you also have to deal with "the other woman" factor. That has to make any woman feel terrible and ask herself what she did wrong or how she can make it better.

When my RABF was addicted to pills I PERSONALIZED EVERYTHING. If he was depressed (because he was farther into addiction then I ever realized) then I immediately thought it had something to do with me or "us". If he was distant (because he couldnt have any relationship with me because he was so involved with the pills) it was because of me. If he didnt act interested in me sexually (because he so numb he couldnt even get aroused) it was something I did.

You see where I am going with this. Honey this is NOT about you. Not about you. Not about you. Not about you. Not about you. I know its hard to comphrend this right now but somehow someway you need to burn that into your brain. I still sometimes do this today so I know how hard it is.

Sometimes when I would be playing with the kids and he would just be sitting on the couch like a bump on a log and I would get all freaked out because he always played with me and the kids I would immediately start talking to him about us and our relationship and asking if he wanted to split up and yada yada. And he would respond with saying he loved us and he was here because he wanted to be here yada yada. That would be ok for me for a little bit but then something else would happen and I would starting asking and talking all over again.

But what I didnt understand was that it had nothing to do with me and the kids and everything to do with ADDICTION. While he was romancing his pills he had no time or energy left for us his family. I didnt get that. I didnt get addiction. I didnt get that it had NOTHING to do with me.

So right now I am on the path of focusing on me. What makes me happy what do I like to do, focusing on how unhealthy that whole pattern I just described to you really was.

Focus on getting better and your husband can focus on him. The more you start to do that the better both of you will get. Keep posting and reading.

supportforme

Thanks for the advice. Cassandra - you hit the nail on the head. I'm actually not feeling insecure about the other woman. My biggest and deepest pain is watching him sit there while our children growing up not understanding why Dad sleeps all the time. He's a wonderful man and father, that's what makes it so hard. We all know what's inside and had the wonderful experience of feeling his love. Now, he's just there. I don't know what's worse-- when he was not coming home and out partying or now he is home and he's miserable. I try to give him his space. Today is his birthday- he slept until noon. made cake (he didn't eat any), gave gifts, he went to woods to hunt - I did not say a word. Yet, he asks me why I'm cranky - Honestly, I'm just shutting down. I'm not bitching, not telling him what he should want to do with his kids on a beautifual day. I'm letting go. He just text to say he felt dizzy and stopped at his mom's - never made it to woods. Sad - he's so miserable that he doesn't want to be with his family so he just avoids us. Maybe that's part of my problem - the way I see it, he has beautuiful family and it must be horrible to live in his head and watch it just waste away. I'm not making any decisions today. However, I'm reaching a point that it may be better for the kids if he wasnt't here. I'm a grown woman and can't understand why he's so depressed. Can you imagine what the kids are thinking? I try to put on the fun mom - it doesn't matter that Dad's not participating, I'm only fooling myself and I know it. I'm just so scared of the consequences if I leave him - emotionally he's a mess.

cassandra2

Sometimes when others around us begin to get healthy and happy and truly enjoy the life that they are living it becomes CONTAGIOUS and inspires another to want the same thing!

Abundance

I agree Cass..... but when my xabf who was in and out of recovery from opiates was anhedonic and depressed..... it seemed the more happy and 'light' I became - the more resentful I became. So ... if the other can actually lift someone up... that is awesome. But i think the anchor / weight of depression is far more contagious.

I'm sorry that i"m not any help... I'm sorry that you are going through this. the only advice I really have is to give yourself love and look after yourself. Ex D Boy is speaking from experience and is right on.

I am one of the fallen ones..... where the ex opiate addict and I didn't make it and I had SO much hope and tried so hard. My sanity begun being restored when we went splitzo. His depression and anhedonia was a noose around my neck and there was nothing NOTHING absolutely NOTHING I could do to make him happy. I could make myself happy though - but it came with a price of guilt, because I felt bad that I was enjoying life and he wasn't. It's a total mind f***.

Have the two of you tried counseling? My x and I did a few sessions and it was A-mazing; however, after he went out of town for a bit, he came back and didn't want to resume. he also had changed his DOC to ritalin and didn't want to deal with THAT issue on top of all the others.

Anywho- yeah.. keep that focus on you... it's his birthday... you have been very kind! I remember for my *x*'s birthday .... I didn't ask him for sex... (we literally had a non -existent sex life while he was on subutex) - and that was me being kind. OH... and also throwing him a surprise birthday party. Still didn't do anything for him.

((((Hugs))) .... He is obviously suffering with anhedonia ... it's typical for the first year - especially opiate abusers.

supportforme

Well something's going on. He called to tell me he is at his Mom's = not feeling good. In the past, he just didn't come home and never answered his cell. He's answering and worried that I'm mad. I'm not mad. Just sad - I'm here if he needs me. Last week, I suggested that he stay with his Mom since he has such an issue with my need to have full disclosure. I will not tolerate any opiates for any reason so if he is not ready, that's his choice and I can't change that. I have choices too, I will support recovery; not addiction. I used to feel sorry for myself, I have to take care of the kids and work full time job while he's out partying. Now, I thank God that my kids have one parent that can be strong for them and be there to nurture. I'm glad for my successfull career and I thank God for all my wonderful blessings.

katnip44

I could not agree with Scott more. I am also a recovering addict (no heroin but oxycontin which is basically "synthetic heroin"). My ex husband actually introduced me to it (not that I am at all blaming him; it was my choice). But depression! You got it and I would be very worried if he wasn't. Bad enough for one to be depressed, but my ex and I detoxed several times together (he would always run out of his script, one reason being is he shared it with me). Talk about chaos. We have been separated for many years and sadly, I was informed that he has been deceased since July 8th of this year. Cause of death; Prescription Drug Abuse. I don't know what I'm getting at exactly, but I guess it's just that addiction is bad enough in any form, but Oxys, very powerful. I had to leave my husband and was able to repair my mind; unfortunately he wasn't. You have to think about you first, you know?

Blessings,

Leslie

Ann

He should talk to his doctor about his depression, and letting him know also about his addiction. Depression is common when the drugs end, as stated above, it takes time for the dopamine levels and endorphins in his brain to begin working properly again, and there are antidepressants that work well and that are not addictive.

That said, keep working on yourself and use your own recovery tools to get through this, regardless of the outcome. That will never fail you.

Hugs