transformyself

Last night I had nightmares for the first time since I left AH. He screamed and yelled at me yesterday, I mean SCREAMED that he didn't know what I wanted from him, after I confronted him about drinking what little money he has away. I have been asking him for some extra cash for groceries but he's resentful about it.

yesterday I struggled- a lot- with feeling guilty. I did some things I shouldn't have, mainly give a s*** about what he's doing, and try to discuss his drinking. But I took his inventory and raged at him through an email first. It was ugly. Then I texted him to apologize, after coming out of my codie induced tantrum. But by then he was yelling, "are you getting all this? Are you recording it so you can take the kids from me?" and all kinds of other things. I truly felt bad for "upsetting" him.

But last night I had that same nightmare I've had for the duration of my marriage to him. Him laughing it up with other women, I was crying because he doesn't love me and everyone was laughing at me. I would go off by myself, hysterical, and no one cared.

This also represents my marriage to him. And my childhood. Really.

Today I hate him. I hate him for blaming me, for coming home and lying to me about not caring about that bimbo any more. I'm just angry again, I"m having crying jags that surprise me, like a sneeze.

Today I hate myself for loving him, for chasing after a man who isn't worthy of licking my shoes, for wasting 14 years of my life, for believing his lies.

I know this is just a PTSD trigger and will take some anti anxiety drugs and it will go away. Then, most importantly, next time I will try to catch myself before engaging with him.

I know this trigger today, this coating of pain and abandonment, is not even really about him. It's deep, it's ancient and it's not going to steal another day from me. Not one more hour, minute or second.

I am grateful I can see it for what it is. I am grateful I have tools to squash it and refocus on what matters--my kids , getting a job and taking care of myself. It will be a challenge for a minute to refocus on myself, but each time it does get easeri.

I AM LEAVING HIM NOW
IT IS MY CHOICE
I AM FREE OF HIM AND HIS TOXIC BEHAVIOR
ALL OF THIS IS FOR MY GREATER GOOD

Still Waters

Keep moving forward Transform, it's not an instant thing. One step at a time.

Hang in there.

transformyself

AND


even his avatar on ***** account triggers me? He put a picture of a rooster on his avatar? is he advertising his c*** to people? WTF??

Good for you! Maybe I won't get any better, maybe I'll just be bitter and hurt and unloved for the rest of my f****** life!! Why not??? I was married to a guy that never loved me, lied to me, ****** other woman and drank the money away.

Why did I love you??? why the **** do I care???

And now you're advertising your **** to everyone.. Good for you!!! I hope you get lots of *** from it, you should, you know you're ******* hot and hvae a great **** that you know how to use!!!!! I hope your little **** is loving it too!!!

Startingover2

You are strong. You are doing the right thing. His words are just that....words.

I see so many similarities in our situations at times. You feel alot of what I do so I can really relate.

I still have those dreams!

tigger11

Trans - sending you love, prayers and hugs. This is a great post, and I'm getting so much out of your honesty with yourself and your brilliant recovery and direction for the future. I don't really know first hand (yet), but I'm certain this is common, and that your responses are normal. But I have a feeling your quick catch and immediate goal setting is much faster than most of us are capable of.

Your post fed me. Thank you!

tigger11

As somebody has brilliantly suggested to me...
BREATHE Transform
Breathe anger out
Breathe peace in

... and go take your meds. tee hee.
LOVE YOU!

wanting

I love you, Transform. You have helped me so much. One thing you have helped me to see is that this is a process. It's OK to feel happy and free one day and angry and sad the next. The periods of happiness will become longer and longer until we realize that we haven't been sad or angry for a long time. I'm so glad that you are working through this. I too find that so much of my situation with AH has triggered a whole bunch of childhood stuff for me. I see it as my chance to finally heal and finally know deep in my soul that other people rejecting and abandoning me has nothing to do with me. It has so little to do with me that I don't need to try to control anyone in my life for fear of rejection and abandonment or for hope that they'll be the one to finally make me OK.

Kittyboo

Wanting - I actually started therapy about a month ago, and you are working on the EXACT same thing I am.

transformyself

I can't thank you guys enough. I came back here to check and see what on earth you folks would have to say about me. But not before:

I called him and screamed back at him for traumatizing me. Now that I know what triggered me. I drove over to my house to pick up some salt and cocoa as I am totally broke.

But it's nearly impossible for me to come back over to our old house (I still need to move a bulk of my stuff out because I fled--literally fled their in early Sept) because I begin to hyperventilate the closer I get. I mean, you brought that woman there and made her dinner! he slept with her in my house! He lived down the street with her after I threw him out while I stayed home iwth the kids. And resented me because I got to stay in the house!

and then even after he moved back home, he would frequent the bar where she basically lives and continue to break NO CONTACT with her in ways that were very hurtful to me. He didn't care how I felt. Not until after, when he would apologize. But then he did it over and over again.

why did I stay? Wtf was wrong with me. It damaged me--deeply. And I don't even know how badly until i try to go back to that house yesterday. That is what triggered this.

It really is my fault, really, for staying and trying to control him after his first affair. I should have been long gone, four years ago.

Then the Klonopin kicked in so now I can see my environment, actually see my children. I made pancakes for them, we are raking the lawn.

AH is texting me that he's sorry he eviscerated me in this way (I taught him that word he's not bright enough to have that basic vocabulary word) I still am having moments of tearing up and really think had I not taken the anti anxiety meds that I might be bona fide screaming insane right now.

This is just a trigger. And it does not eliminate the past two weeks of total happiness and confidence and feeling of freedom and moving forward.

PTSD puts me back into the past-in vivid color. It's the same thing war veterans have. So I am right back to where i was when i was living with my husband and he would go talk to her at the bar even after I cried and begged him not to.

So...I am relieved and happy that my processing externally helps you guys. You sure help me in all of your posts. I am working hard today, working to unravel the mysteries of my inner workings. What causes these triggers? What is the correct response?

I 100% know that NO CONTACT is what gives me peace. And also catching any inclinations I have to snoop or spend any time thinking about him at all. I am also able to pull that off for what appears to be several weeks at a time.

But I am still healing from this crazy, sick marriage. And shoudln't be surprised when something triggers me. I just pray I can see them coming and properly drug myself up..

transformyself

And I love you too Wanting.

In fact this is one of the gifts leaving AH has given me. I can be myself and that includes telling lots of folks that I love them, which always upset AH if he overheard me...

transformyself

I knew it! He went to the bar last night and talked to that piece of trash! He just came to pick up the kids and told me that he "ran into her" at the bar and she said, "hey you're so funny and kind there's no reason why I can't come over and say hello to you."

I am very psychic, this is what has been driving me crazy.

You have no idea waht this is, what this means to me. I tried to get him to go no contact with her for a YEAR!!! After taking him back and trying to make our marriage work!! He wrote her a letter saying he was rebuilding our marriage and she shouldn't contact him, but then went to her and apologized for it! I feel like I"m going crazy. I hate that ******* ***** more than anythign, she ruined my life, she ruined my family.

this is a direct slap in the face to me! She was just saying, now that you left your wife, there's no reason why we can't talk! He says he is done with her that I am right and she is the town S*** and I wish i could say I dont' care. I can't believe him!

This is the end for me. I want to kill her, I want to kill him again. He has disrespected me so many times with her, shown her over and over that she, not I, matter the most to him. Moved her stuff out of his apartment for her even when I begged him not to> He doesn't care about me and I am suddenly, after weeks of being happy brought down to this again..

I feel like I"m going crazy. I want to call him and scream at him, but I already did that today.

Now my sister is comign to get me to go to my cousins so she can dye my hair and keep my dog while I'm at teh conference. I am freaking out!!!

Still Waters

He's doing the same thing it sounds like he's always done. Disrespect you.

Why would he tell you what she said to him I wonder?

Bohn05

Do anti anixety drugs help? I need something!!! Feel like sticking my head in the oven from the pain!!!

wanting

Transform, he's manipulating you, using your triggers, trying to suck you back into the insanity. Step away!

Startingover2

I swear they are twins!

Transform he is trying to suck you back in. Its all part of the weird games they play to get their egos stroked. He told you because he knew it would get a rise out of you...and it worked. My exah makes me believe he is this changed man and then when I see different I flip out.

Alcohol or not he is a total narcissist (sp). Some people are just that way.

Repeat your mantra! Over and over!

transformyself

Thankyou again everyone, I"m much better now.

He told me about talking to her because i asked him--repeatedly. I said, are you seeing her, have you talked to her? And he was uncomfortable because I always know when he's talked to her. Always. this is what happens to me, I flip out like I did yesterday. I had to drag it out of him and he was mad and wanted to get away. He was uncomfortable.

he said I'm right she's a w*** and he doesn't want nything to do with her. But I don't believe him. I shouldn't. He actually tried to comfort me, tell me that he isn't going to be seeing her, that I need to get some help beause that is the past and he wants to move forward.

I am going to step away again and get ready fo rmy conference in New Mexico taht starts wednesday. I have tellecommuted for 2 years and will meet many of these people for the first time. i can't wait. and when I come back I will feel good about myself, about my work, about what I can do as a person.

I went to my cousins with my sister and watched 2 chick flick romance comedies and got drunk as ****. I'll be hating life tomorrow. But I'll go to yoga and sweat it out.

But. I'm glad I watched those movies . she ownes a video store my cousin. now I am reminded of what a man who really really is in love with you looks like. Hell yeah. and it's not just because it's the movies, i've seen that, i have friends with boyfriends and partners who adore them. I'm not dating --or giving myself to--anyone who doesn't work their asses off to get next to me. You better think I'm amazing and beautiful.

That is where I was last summer right before my husband wanted to come home. I had men LINING UP to go out with me and still I took him back. Of course, at the time, he was working pretty hard too.

I am not chasing after ANYONE ever again. I can spend my life ALONE with my sisters and women friends and my kids and the littlest dog too. My Elder tells me that we come into this world alone and go out alone and are alone for the duration of our lives, sometimes in the presence of others. He should know, he's 73!

Good night everone. I think those alcoholics are idiots. why would anyone do this to themselvs evry single day and night. What the heck? You can't function.

bookwyrm

Well, stop asking him stuff like this! You're only driving yourself insane. Detach, detach, detach. Let it go. Step off this emotional rollercoaster and step away from the alcoholic. Ask yourself why - why did you repeatedly ask the question when you knew you wouldn't like the answer? Why are you doing this to yourself? Cut those ties and maintain as little contact as possible. Don't argue with him - it just drives you insane. Please stop hurting yourself like this.

Pelican

T - I'm worried about you.

Based on your postings of the past 2-3 weeks, I see a familiar pattern. A pattern I recognize as being my own past behavior. Behavior I had when I was drinking. When I was drinking and my life was unmanageable.

My behavior went something like this.

I would feel sorry for myself and drink to escape the feelings.

Then I would feel better about myself after a few drinks, and then become judgemental about others while high on alcohol. The alcohol gave me a false sense of superiority. This feeling of superiority progressed into rage against anyone and everything the more I drank.

The next day I would feel guilt and shame for my negative feelings and outbursts. Then I would contact people that would make me feel better about myself. I could always count on using sex to feel loved by my alcoholic husband, even when I didn't love myself.

Lather, rinse, repeat. Or should I say: drink, drama, depression, repeat.

I hope I am wrong about alcohol being a constant companion in your personal life, especially if you are taking klonopin. We do not give medical advise on these forums. I will stick my neck on the line and say that klonopin and alcohol are depressants, they can slow your resperations and cause seizures. Think before you drink.

Startingover2

Yes...don't ask him a thing about his personal life. Believe me, you don't really want to know the answers and honestly until he quits drinking it really shouldn't matter. I know it does in our hearts because I feel it everyday.

In my case, my exah makes me feel like he still loves us and wants his marriage yet i KNOW he is still involved with a married woman (probably more too). I usually bite my tongue but I slip sometimes like the other day and his response was..its not what you think, she is going to live with her husband forever, yes she is a freak, and I don't give a crap about her. Bottom line is....none of those words matter because he is still in contact with her.

By someone's great suggestion on this board I change exah's name in my phone depending on how I am feeling. It used to be CHEATER...then awhile back it went to QUACK, QUACK, QUACK! Now I changed it to CAKE EATER. I have it set up on my phone that it announces who is calling or leaving text so I can actually hear the name. Very effective.

Lets both step back. There is more to these guys than just the alcohol. Its their character and integrity as men. They didn't cheat and lie just because of the alcohol. The alcohol only made it easier at the moment.

Be really careful with the alcohol and meds. I almost called 911 on my exah a few times when he mixed. Very scary...

(((HUGS)))))

gerryP

I know how exhausting it is to be on an emotional rollercoaster, feeling great about myself, secure, accomplished and focused one day and the antithesis of that the next, based on information I heard or was told and not much in between. It is a process I realize but extremes are often dangerous.

Are you and your husband not *separated*? If so, why do you care if he is with other women? apart from it feeling like picking at a scab, is your marriage really over for you? Are you possibly hoping for a reconciliation?

Wishing you a very successful conference Transform!