Scared
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Fryeburg, Maine
Posts: 4
Scared
I left.
We started dating in high school, married 23 years, 2 children, a home, a business -- more than half my life and I left.
Years of verbal abuse, anger, an affair, lies, and a insane emotional roller coaster ride but I never found the confidence and kept thinking it was me
and my insufficiency that caused his unhappiness in life and he fueled
that fire in me.
I left because it was clear for me to see how it was hurting my teenage daughter. I was clear for me to see that in order for daughter to have a healthy foundation in her relationships in life, I needed to set an example.
I got us both in therapy and am trying to get healthy for her today but am working on it becoming for me.
I've never known a life without the insanity so that is my normal.
I want to go running back, I still love him but his messages to me are not
ones of love. He spoke to me last night and wants to get a divorce as he
has "needs" and doesn't like this being alone thing and needs to get
on with his life to find a "bed" partner.
He needs for me to loosen up, have more fun, and drink with him.
I can't, I won't and am clear on that.
I feel like s-!* and it so painful. My head is spinning, we are trying to get
moved and I'm having a hard time focusing. I am a mess.
We started dating in high school, married 23 years, 2 children, a home, a business -- more than half my life and I left.
Years of verbal abuse, anger, an affair, lies, and a insane emotional roller coaster ride but I never found the confidence and kept thinking it was me
and my insufficiency that caused his unhappiness in life and he fueled
that fire in me.
I left because it was clear for me to see how it was hurting my teenage daughter. I was clear for me to see that in order for daughter to have a healthy foundation in her relationships in life, I needed to set an example.
I got us both in therapy and am trying to get healthy for her today but am working on it becoming for me.
I've never known a life without the insanity so that is my normal.
I want to go running back, I still love him but his messages to me are not
ones of love. He spoke to me last night and wants to get a divorce as he
has "needs" and doesn't like this being alone thing and needs to get
on with his life to find a "bed" partner.
He needs for me to loosen up, have more fun, and drink with him.
I can't, I won't and am clear on that.
I feel like s-!* and it so painful. My head is spinning, we are trying to get
moved and I'm having a hard time focusing. I am a mess.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 247
Reata...welcome and thank you for posting. You have found a wonderful place to be - here with the rest of us who understand.
You are telling my story. I was married for 20 years to my hs sweetheart, have 4 kids, had a business with him (several actually), am scared to death of the future, have no idea who I am, am wondering how we are going to begin to divide all of the stuff - the real estate, the retirement, the checking account, the debt, and the silverware.
I too am no fun, needed to drink and have a good time and allow him to run rampant when he wanted to have a good time, regardless of who it hurt.
I found this wonderful place. I have posted and posted and posted. I cry, and laugh here. I read until I can read no more, and I begin and end each day here.
I also found Al-Anon and am going to counseling.
What are you doing for you?
You are telling my story. I was married for 20 years to my hs sweetheart, have 4 kids, had a business with him (several actually), am scared to death of the future, have no idea who I am, am wondering how we are going to begin to divide all of the stuff - the real estate, the retirement, the checking account, the debt, and the silverware.
I too am no fun, needed to drink and have a good time and allow him to run rampant when he wanted to have a good time, regardless of who it hurt.
I found this wonderful place. I have posted and posted and posted. I cry, and laugh here. I read until I can read no more, and I begin and end each day here.
I also found Al-Anon and am going to counseling.
What are you doing for you?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the Sober Recovery family Reata!
I'm sorry that you are hurting right now. It sounds like you are doing the next right thing for yourself and your daughter.
When I left my AH, I was also wanting to set a better example for my son and daughter (teens). I did not want them to accept unacceptable behavior in their future relationships, therefore, I needed to set the example.
I wanted the relationship to change. I wanted him to want sobriety and keep our family whole. I wanted him to be the change. But it was my responsibility to be the change. I had to let him be himself.
I learned here and at Alanon meetings:
The three C's
I did not cause his addiction
I can not control his addiction
I will not cure his addiction
Your AH is trying to guilt trip you with the bed partner comment. He can and likely will say and do much worse to try and keep you, his enabler, in his life. You have always been there to make everything okay after he verbally abuses, neglects, disrespects, manipulates, blames, guilts and lies. If you stop making everything okay, he will start to panic. His behavior may become extreme as he trys to control you and keep the status quo.
I needed to set boundaries, have a plan and a good support system to resist the extreme behaviors that were attempts to keep the status quo in my relationship. I had to establish no contact except discussing the children. I would hang up if he began to complain or beg. I had to walk away from his sarcasm and threats. I had to think of my needs and my childrens needs when the desperation looks and pleas started. I had to remember that I was not his rescuer. He is an adult and has to take care of himself. I resigned as his caretaker and found that I had a lot of my own personal caretaking to do. I decided that I am worth the effort.
I think you are taking a healthy step towards taking care of yourself and your child. Good on you.
Pull out the keyboard and make yourself at home. We are here to support you.
I'm sorry that you are hurting right now. It sounds like you are doing the next right thing for yourself and your daughter.
When I left my AH, I was also wanting to set a better example for my son and daughter (teens). I did not want them to accept unacceptable behavior in their future relationships, therefore, I needed to set the example.
I wanted the relationship to change. I wanted him to want sobriety and keep our family whole. I wanted him to be the change. But it was my responsibility to be the change. I had to let him be himself.
I learned here and at Alanon meetings:
The three C's
I did not cause his addiction
I can not control his addiction
I will not cure his addiction
Your AH is trying to guilt trip you with the bed partner comment. He can and likely will say and do much worse to try and keep you, his enabler, in his life. You have always been there to make everything okay after he verbally abuses, neglects, disrespects, manipulates, blames, guilts and lies. If you stop making everything okay, he will start to panic. His behavior may become extreme as he trys to control you and keep the status quo.
I needed to set boundaries, have a plan and a good support system to resist the extreme behaviors that were attempts to keep the status quo in my relationship. I had to establish no contact except discussing the children. I would hang up if he began to complain or beg. I had to walk away from his sarcasm and threats. I had to think of my needs and my childrens needs when the desperation looks and pleas started. I had to remember that I was not his rescuer. He is an adult and has to take care of himself. I resigned as his caretaker and found that I had a lot of my own personal caretaking to do. I decided that I am worth the effort.
I think you are taking a healthy step towards taking care of yourself and your child. Good on you.
Pull out the keyboard and make yourself at home. We are here to support you.
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