paige n

My, how I had forgotten what a master manipulator an A can be. My AH just moved to the same town as me after living apart for almost 9 months. I'm trying to maintain a good relationship but having a really hard time. He calls me crying and saying how truly in love he is with me and since he's sober now (60 days) that I should see he's trying. I commend him for what he's doing and have told him over and over that I'm proud of him. He's got some emotional issues to contend with also. Does anyone know if alcoholism and emotional instability go together? He never used to be so way off sometimes. And it seems he cries at the drop of a hat. Is this because he's still coming down do you think? He says if we get back together all his problems will be solved. Ha! Does he really believe this?? It's absurd. I feel that he's clinging to me for dear life and I can't stand it. I told him I can't be responsible for his happiness, only he can. Any advice?

Ann

Paige

My suggestion would be to keep looking after yourself and let his actions, not his words, speak for him. 60 days does not a recovery make. It takes a lot more time and work than that.

Keep working your program and focus on what is right for YOU.

Hugs
Ann

round4

One thing that I found is that when my ex first quit (only because I left him)...he cried alot too. It was like he had forgotten who he was before. I know A are taught that it can take a long long time for people to trust them, and sometimes people won't. I agree that 60 days is not long enough. For my mom, she wouldn't cry, just stop drinking and as soon as she was comfortable again with relationships, it would start up again. All you could do is encourage him and be honest about your feelings towards him. He needs to find out who he is first and prove it by actions, instead of words. His actions now are showing he is still unstable.

nakonc

Hi Paige n

I have a similar situation. My ex-A and I also split up about one year ago and he calls constantly and cries and says that only I can save him and does nothing to help himself. It's so draining.

The funny thing is, before I came to Al-Anon and we first met, it felt so good to be needed. I enjoyed playing the part of his saviour. Now it's suffocating me.

I think this is a good sign for me, as I am reacting more 'sanely'. It is normal that one should feel suffocated if someone is applying pressure to them, rather than 'enjoying' it, as I used to.

The only problem is that I still feel a little bit responsible for him. It feels like I found my happiness through Al-Anon and now just 'dropped' him to fend for himself. It feels like I'm breaking an unwritten rule we set at the beginning of our relationship that we should rely completely on each other. And even though it's a sick rule I still feel like I owe him - does that make any sense?

The two facts are that:
1. I am no longer the same person I was 5 years ago (thank God) and I am allowed to change my mind about what should keep this relationship together. And it really shouldn't be total dependence upon each other IMHO. *trying to persuade myself lol*

2. He CAN find help if he wants to. It's available for the taking (he's been to AA). He doesn't have to be all alone and helpless if he truly doesn't want to.

So I agree with you that it's only manipulation on his part to keep our old sick relationship going without changing anything, and I just CAN'T do it any longer. I've felt how good life can be and I don't ever want to go back to the suffering I've gone through. I have the right to a full and satisfying life and no one is giving it to me without any effort on my part, so why should he get a free ride?

Now if only I can keep that in mind when he calls lol.

Sorry I was so long but it felt so good to finally make sense of some of my feelings.

The best of luck to you Paige :-)
Hope we'll make it.

myles1

Hi,

Just keep taking care of you. By what you are saying about your ex it sounds as if he's getting sober in order to get you back. And that is bound to fail. Stay strong with the manipulation.

Ngaire