dojoro

Woke up on Day 9 feeling good. Slightly depressed but good. No cravings for alcohol what so ever. This is the main reason I haven't gone to AA. I spend the majority of the day feeling OK. I definitely think about drinking and what is ahead of me but feel fine. It isn't until around 4 or 5 things get tough and I turn into a little bit of a lunatic. Last night I was frantic. Can't sit down, mind racing, on edge, literally clenching my fists, deep breathing, all over the place physically and mentally. It isn't pretty. It doesn't feel good but I know now in a few hours it passes. When I am feeling that way I do think I would drink if wine were here. I avoided the liquor cabinet last night and will get rid of it today.

What I need to know and I need brutal honesty with..."is what I feel what an alcoholic feels?" Do "normal" people really have NO trouble giving up alcohol? Doesn't everyone (especially stay at home moms) crave a glass of wine at some point during the day, mainly the evenings? On my facebook at least 3 different moms last night wrote they were going to have a glass of wine. Am I really that different? Couldn't I be making this harder for myself because I have convinced myself I have a problem and I don't but am fighting it anyway. I can be crazy like that...I think. I bet some of you are getting tired of my blabbing on and on but I have learnt a lot in the last few days but still am not convinced... Maybe a break is all I needed...

I am nervous to go to meeting. Nervous to walk in. I am not ready to admit anything. Is walking in admitting you have a problem or do you have to actually say it.

What I am ready for is this indecisiveness to end. Between the constant thoughts about not drinking and the constant I am? I'm not? I feel I am losing my marbles. This new found energy is so being wasted on crazy thoughts.

Thanks for reading, thanks for replying, thanks for putting up with me...

I have already looked into todays meetings...I have all day to think about it. I don't know what to do. I wish there was a blood test for alcoholism...a simple positive or negative. I need a definitive answer...

Jo

vegibean

Jo, all that stuff that's going through your head could probably be helped if you worked the steps with a sponsor......... My head used to do the works on me and now I have tools for coping. No more wine for this gal!!!

You can keep doing what you're doing, maybe it will work for you. However, my thought is, if you do nothing eventually you'll convince yourself it's ok and you'll be back at it.

The two things I suggest to every new comer on this site is the same thing, get a sponsor and work the steps.

Tazman53

Jo what do you think?

Are you aware that alcoholism is a progressive disease?


Well I know I am an alcoholic and since I get off work at 1PM at about 12:30 every day I would start to get antsy..... by 1 I was READY!!!! Funny thing, but no one else was like that I knew at work.

Are you aware that one of the primary symptoms of alcoholism is a denial of a problem.

How many people do you know that drink like you do?

How many people do you know that do not drink like you?

Do you need to go to AA? I do not know, there are other programs out there.

How many people do you think come to recovery boards that do not have a drinking or drug problem?

Here is one to answer and think about it long and hard.

Why did you get on the internet and search out and find this site?

Was it because your life is so wonderful that you thought you would come here just to see what alcoholics and drug addicts are up to?

You need an answer?

Are you happy?

Do you ever wake up in the morning and think "Gee I wish I had drank last night!"

I can tell you this, if you are not an alcoholic then NOT drinking would not be a problem!

My wife is not an alcoholic, she could care less if alcohol fell of the face of the earth, she maybe has a drink every couple of months, she has one and that is it, sometimes she does not even finish that one drink.

I am an alcoholic, if I have one drink, before I am finished that first drink I am preparing for the second, the third, the 4th.............................

I am an alcoholic, when I was drinking, drinking was VERY important to me, you see that is what I needed, it was what I wanted!!! I am an alcoholic.

I am an alcoholic, drinking one drink is never enough, leaving a drink half full without even thinking about it was a SIN!!!!! I drink like a gentleman for the first 4 or 5 then I am drinking straight out of the bottle, why dirty a glass when I am going to drink the whole bottle any how.

If you are not an alcoholic then going for a year with out a drink should be easy as pie, only alcoholics struggle with NOT drinking.... unless of course they have found a solution to thier alcoholism.

dojoro

do you have to go to a meeting to get a sponsor?

Wolfchild

The inner relief that came from admitting to myself that i was an addict & alcoholic was, (and continues to be!) immense. It helps to keep my life in proper perspective and to allows me to find solutions to my problems one day at a time. i go to meetings because there are those there that have similiar problems. Some have found a new way to live that i can learn something from and ask for help. Some are going thru problems that sharing my experience, strength, and hope will help them. There's also a greater sense of not being alone that comes from being at a meeting. This also helps to keep the disease in check, because it can regain control of my life more easily when i am isolating from others. Taking part in & being part of an atmosphere of recovery in meetings helps me to establish and maintain an atmosphere of recovery in my heart.

i hope you will put aside your doubts, fears, and worries and go to that meeting today!!

firestorm090

Hi Jo,

Yep, we all struggle to admit, and more to accept that we are "real" alcoholics.

Consider this, do "normal" people think they may have diabetes, or do they find out through the dr.? Bear with me. If alcoholism is a disease, it seems to me that one could be diagnosed by a physician, however most people will minimize how much they drink when discussing this with the doc, so the diagnoses is often inaccurate. When I told my doc how much I drank and was honest about it, he told me I had chronic alcoholism, that I was a chronic alcoholic and needed help if I wanted to improve my condition. But I had to be honest with him to begin with. Are you being honest with yourself about your alcohol consumption? Does drinking enhance your life or damage it in any way? Is it a combination, and if so, where does the enhancement end and the damage begin? Can you control your consumption without outside regulators, such as a husband saying no, can you do it by yourself and stop at an established level of consumption? Is it really about a glass of wine, or a couple bottles, boxes, or train boxcars? For me, if I had a swimming pool full of booze, most people would say, "Hey, where's the water, I'm not swimming in that", but me, hell I'd jump right in and laugh about it, till the hangover the next day, not to mention the horrid smell I'd have to deal with, lol.

I heard a real simple definition about alcoholism that may help you. It is, "if drinking alcohol causes you problems, then you have a problem with alcohol".

Hope this helps a bit.

One day at a time,
Dallas

Mark75

AA isn't about dealing with cravings. It's about a new way of living, without alcohol. It's about finding serenity, instead of whirling around inside your racing mind. Sighs of relief instead of deep breathing and hyperventilating, feeling free instead of clenching fists.

OK, perhaps I embellished a little , well, not really, maybe I just got all flowery on you...

Rigorous honesty doesn't have to be brutal honesty... but, you want a definitive answer to your question "Am I an alcoholic?"..... That is a question you have to answer yourself. It will take rigorous honesty to find that truth.

One place to look is AA. And they don't give blood tests for it... What will happen is that you will hear people share their own experience with alcohol. You may hear people with a similar experience as yours.... Just as importantly, you may hear others tell you about how they found the solution, the strength to live a happy and joyous life free of alcohol.

Go to several meetings and read the Big Book before you make the decision about whether you want to keep going... different meetings (groups) are different, different people, format, tone... etc...

Do normal drinkers feel like you do after 9 days of not drinking? Hmm.... Lots of them go far longer between drinks than just 9 days. Hard drinkers?.... I bet they quit drinking and have a bumpy ride, but they usually do manage to stop drinking if they have sufficient reason.

Go to the meeting tonight, If only to get out of the house for a little while. You don't HAVE to do anything. You can introduce yourself, you can go a little early and talk with those that are there... you could stay late too... but it's ALL optional.

Mark

vegibean

It would be the only place I can think of to get one. Seems like you're trying to NOT do it?

No one here can make you go or do what you're going to do. Like that saying "you can lead a horse to water.........." no one here can get you to do anything. You have to do that yourself.

One of the things that was suggested to me in getting sober, was "take suggestions". Be willing........

We went through all the effort to drink, we should be willing to do the same to stay sober.

Tazman53

Jo do you want to be alone or does wanting to not be an alcoholic make you want to be alone?

In the end I drank alone because I knew deep inside of me that my drinking was not normal, I drank alone because of the shame and guilt I felt due to my drinking and the life I was NOT living!

If you were in a fight for your life do you feel you would have a better chance of living fighting alone having absolutely no idea of how to win that fight?

Don't you think you would stand a better chance of winning that fight if you had a group of people with you that had won that fight already helping you?

Oh trust me, I too thought I can do this alone, the last thing I would ever do was admit I had a problem and ask others for help, that would be admitting I was weak!!!

Have you ever heard the expression "There is strength in numbers." or an even better one "United we stand, divided we fall." think about those.

Ask your self this "Am I willing to die before I step out of my comfort zone?"

txsar

Hi Jo,
I've asked the same questions of myself many times and still do sometimes. I'm only on Day 10 this time around and partly why I could never stay stopped before was because of some of the same thinking you are doing. And then I look at what Taz says and think, well I must have a problem otherwise my thinking about it wouldn't be so obsessive. Why am I constantly thinking about it? Would someone like my husband who may have 3 - 5 beers in a week be thinking the way I'm thinking? Probably not, he doesn't have a drinking problem. I still have a hard time saying "I'm an alcoholic" maybe because I have not fully accepted it. I am a stay at home mom too and I can tell you when 5:00 rolls around I am mentally done. I want so badly to have my glass(es) of wine. I went to my first AA meeting last Saturday. I was so nervous. I went to a Women's only meeting so it seemed a little easier. Once I got there I cried almost the whole meeting. I didn't feel any pressure to admit anything. I got there a little early and walked in with another woman who had just pulled up. So, she sat next to me and helped "guide" me through the meeting. They were all welcoming and supportive. I'm still not sure AA is for me either but I had to change something this time around if I want to even have a chance at this new thing called sobriety.

Tazman53

txsar in early recovery it is a very good idea for women to stick with women and men with men, that is not to say that going to a mixed meeting is a bad idea, but as far as phone numbers go and early friendships it is really best.

One of the primary ways AA works is one alcoholic helping another alcoholic stay sober, part of that is being able to relate to one another as closely as possible, being a man I will openly admit that I do not have a clue when it comes to ladies except in a bad way!!! LOL I do not go there any more! Yes I have friends in AA that are ladies, but we have some time sober and all of us understand that it is strictly friendship and recovery.

shaun00

well if it helps ill compare your drinking and feelings when not drinking with my wife........since isnt an alcoholic and is a temperate social drinker.

she doesnt get agitated when it gets to 4 or five.
she doesnt pace up and down feeling cravings for wine.......and she likes wine.
she sometimes has a glass of wine...out of a new bottle and then puts it away for a day or two.
she can have one glass......and be quite happy not drinking anymore.
On occasions she will forget she has a glass on the go......and ill tip it away in the morning..
if money is tight she will be quiet happy to go a month without wine.

now me.........im a alcoholic....diagnosed chronic way back.

the minute that wine hits my throat and stomach something strange happens.
instead of being happy with a glass i have a huge craving to have another.
the more i drink the bigger that craving gets.
before im drunk ive reached the point of no return and i will continue to drink until i black out.....if that means i have to trudge miles to get it...so be it.

i wake up...maybe in the right bed ..full of remorse and guilt...
i tell myself thats it with booze........
then within hours.......that feeling you talked about starts to happen.....i feel agitated....restless.......and become a right pain in the backside to be around.
i become aggresive.........depressed.......and hateful.

a thought of doing it all over again comes to mind.
the wreckage of last night becomes a distant fuzzy memory....
jezz.......men drink right?......just be careful this time.
i can hold off for maybe 24hrs........but that restlessness and aggression becomes unbearable.....
if everyone gets off my back maybe i wouldnt drink like i do.

So i get drunk all over again...........and the cycle starts again.
and again........and again ...and again.

i ended up living on the streets......because those bastards wont leave me alone and let me drink in peace...
if you had a wife and family like mine youd drink like i do right?
then the day came where the blinkers and blur lifted briefly.
i see it........everyone is long gone.......years have passed.
and i feel incredibly alone.
im sat in a shop door way surrounded by the outside world.
begging for money for booze.
smelling like a polecat.........a shadow of the old me.
i wish for the end........i truly wanted to die.........i just didnt have the guts to do it...

so there you go.......my drinking...chronic alcoholic and my wife drinking...temperate.
not every alcoholic goes to these depths.......but the depths are ilrelevant.
whats relevant to me is.......
What happens when i dont drink.........and what happens when i do.
that was my dilema.....
cant stay sober........cant drink.

the solution to that dilema for me was the 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous.
i have recovered from that dilema........alcoholism.
i dont need or want a drink today........thats a miracle.
and i have found contentment beyond my comprehension.

smacked

I think you would fit right in

dojoro

WOW! You have asked some hard questions and made such valid points. I cannot have one glass of wine. Before I get my first I am already thinking about my second. I drink at night until I go to sleep. I have seen women have a glass of wine that seems to last an eternity...I have questioned that in my mind. Why aren't they drinking that? I recently went to a wine tasting...it was awful. The number of times I had to go back up. The way I had to alternate booths so not to be obvious. the way I had to fake being intrigued when all I really wanted was a full glass and then another..not a sip. Couldn't figure out who would want to use the dump bucket they had on the table.

As these sober days pass I find myself remembering times in my past which maybe weren't normal. Like when I was 22 and backpacked to the top of a mountain to camp overnight. Great hike, beautiful weather, really perfect. At the top I broke my one and only bottle of wine(a magnum, just the right size). I remember vividly my feeling of anxiety and despair. Rage then depression. the night was ruined...for me anyway. Did I have this problem then...15 years ago? There are other times which randomly pop into my head which stick out as slightly out of the ordinary. It has been going on for years. I don't even remembered the last two hours of my own wedding...that haunts me every once in awhile. I have always been different...maybe wanted it more. Always setting goals..then breaking them. Always comparing myself when I drink to other people especially women with children, always wondering if people notice the amount I consume, always regretting it the next day. I like to drink alone because it eliminates a lot of my guilt. I don't have to appear to be just enjoying one glass. I can take big sips from my oversized wine glass. That reminds me...when I do order a glass of wine at a restaurant I ALWAYS think it is tiny. I can finish it in 3 sips...gulps...I like Olive Garden...they used to put the whole bottle on the table(do they still do that?) the honesty policy or something.

I know I have a problem..I just don't think I am ready to change or admit it or face it. I feel like things will be sooo different...life will be so different. Wine really made most things bearable/enjoyable for me. I looked forward to the events but the wine that would be there was more enticing...even my own sons b-day parties. Great excuses to drink a lot. Oh god....this has to stop.

There is a meeting tonight. 1/2 hour away. Far enough, yet close enough. Womens only. I will go, I will go, I will go...I won't drink today. Crying again but hopeful. Thank you!

Jo

Mark75

Tell us how your meeting went.

BTW... it sounds to me like you are more than capable of making this journey, you have the capacity to be honest with yourself.

Mark

Tazman53

Jo you have brought a tear to my eye with that statement tied in with the rest of the post...... I pray that what I just read was your Aha! moment.

This I can promise you, life gets so much better the further an alcoholic gets from thier last drink as long as they are working on changing them selfs and becoming a better person. That is not to say that alcoholics are bad people, we are not bad, but alcoholism has taken us places we never would have gone if we were not alcoholics that are not good places, a HUGE part of recovery is learning to deal with our past, making amends for those we have harmed in our past aides in our ability to forgive our selfs, to rid our selfs of guilt and shame.

I am a different man today then I was when I was drinking. Today I am a husband, a father, a grandfather, a friend, today I am a man who finds far more joy in helping some one else then in pleasing my own desires. The world no longer revolves around me, instead I am a part of the world.

This did not happen overnight for me, you see I was a drunk, I spent many years out of touch with reality and wallowing in self pity, self hatred, guilt and shame (Notice every one of those things centered around ME!), it took time and a lot of work, but I can tell you that it was ALL worth it!!!

Recovery is not about not drinking, recovery is about learning how to deal with life on lifes terms on a daily basis and not having the idea of a drink being a good thing any more.

The program and fellowship of AA along with my HP have brought me to where I am today, daily I continue to apply what I have learned and though far from perfect my life continues to get better.

My wife asked me after I had been sober about a year "Martin if a doctor told you that you only had 3 months to live would you drink again?" Without a thought I replied "No, I like being sober to much."

shaun00

You have nothing to fear of AA.
Its not like hotel california or draculas castle....

Go and make your own decisions.......and your be free to leave any time you want...

dojoro

Back from a playdate...feeling a little pissy today...tired. I feel cravings starting earlier. Not unbearable but the thoughts turn into cravings. It seems the closer I get to going to a meeting the more I crave and think. I would definitely pour a glass of wine right now if I had one. Probably drink for a few hours and then have some coffee...like the normal people do at 4 in the afternoon and then start up again...or maybe have some baileys in my coffee...normal with a twist. I have done both of these before, more in the winter when it is dark and gloomy and stuck inside. It is these thoughts that remind me how abnormal I am...I have this allergy too. I love that definition because most people have some sort of allergy. But allergies normally make you feel crappy mine make me feel good...or trick me into feeling good and turns things into crap. 8:00 tonight...I think I can, I think I can!

Jo

dojoro

Two hours until the meeting. I am starting to talk myself out of it..it is dark out(don't drive great at night, actually usually drunk at home at night so I don't go out), starting to drizzle, I don't really need to go. BUT I am also really starting to want a glass of wine. the craving is starting. I am morphing into a lunatic...ughhh.

Jo

Boleo

If you talk yourself out of it once it will just be easier to talk yourself out of it next time. Doing what you DON'T WANT is how change begins.