teke

just curious to see what feed back i would get. i've been separated from my ah for 2yyrs now and i still don't have the desire to be in a relationship right now. i'm not divorced yet but i've been wondering if i my lack of interest could be a result of all that i've been through with this relationship, if i've allowed myself to become too emotionally damaged or could it possibly be kind of normal.

i know that i do enjoy the peace and i'm not sure if i ever feel lonely. i guess i'm feeling like being in a relationship would be too much of a hassel even though i never wanted to or thought i would want to grow old alone. somethimes i think whats wrong with me.

any and all comments would be greatly appreciated. thanks.

cessy68

aw, teke, I have a lot to respond on in your post, but the abf is in the room.... I don't want him to know my business about SR.

If you don't mind, I'll respond to you in the a.m.............

Love,
Cess

outtolunch

It sounds like you have matured and are increasingly comfortable in your own skin, able to take responsibility for yourself and do not need someone to define/complete you. You are good enough, as is. You sound A- OK, in my book.

lightseeker

I believe that the older that we get the more that we feel comfortable in our own skin and that lessens our desire to be in a relationship. It sounds to me like you are tired of the drama...not people. There is a big difference. I know that at this point I am interested in relationships that are stable and peaceful....a lot of romantic relationships are neither of those things.

You'll be ready when you are ready and I'm betting that you'll know it. Once I realized that what I sought in a romantic relationship was intimacy (not the physical kind but the emotional) I opened my eyes to all of the other relationships that provide me with that....my doggy, family, friends, HP, myself.

You're the best Teke!

Ann

I think that the time you are taking to find your balance and your own life, deciding what values are important to you, getting to know and LIKE you, just as you are...are all shining examples of recovery in action.

You don't NEED a relationship to make your life complete, it IS complete when you can find joy and peace all by yourself and just enjoy the journey. You have discovered that you alone hold the key to your happiness, no longer looking for someone to make you happy because you already are.

Healthy attracts healthy, and the more time you take to get yourself healthy and happy, the better the odds that when a relationship comes along, you will be ready and happy to connect and share your life. Note, that I say "share" because next time it won't be about losing yourself but instead sharing yourself with someone who brings as much or more to the relationship as you, and who loves you for exactly who you are.

"In-Between" is a good healing place, where we put closure on the past and prepare for the wonderful new beginnings that are just beyond our view, waiting ahead for us to show up.

Hugs and thanks for the inspiration you are to everyone here.

cessy68

Hey there teke....

I don't think anything is wrong with you, however you might be 'burnt out', about relatioships. Also, I don't know about others here, but I think that I loved/love my abf so dang much, it was easy for me to fall into a codie-trap w/ him. I never had codie behavior before him.... (and was married 2xs before). That in turn our relationship has had A LOT of ups/downs, tears/laughter, ...... extremes.

This will leave a girl exhausted emotionally, when it comes to men, jmo.
In addition, I think that after having a codie dynamic in a relationship, (and drama) that unless someone were to WOW you, eah, why bother?

I think that the longer you are w/out a relationship, the more immune you become to them. *kinda like intamate relations for a woman* ..... after a while, you don't miss it.

Finally, some people who get seperated, have a feeling that they are not single. This did not happen to me, once my ex's were out....... I was done. The finilization of my divorces didn't mean much, it was just another day. (the day we seperated I was divorced in my mind). Others however, (friends) etc. have described a feeling of still being w/ their husband while seperated, because the divorce isn't final. Perhaps this is a feeling you have.

Just some options to throw out there, of 'why' you might be feeling this way, based on my experiences.

love,
Cess

rayofsunshine

Good question, Teke. I've been separated from AH for a year now. He's still out doing the same thing, but now is living with his pregnant addict GF. I had made the decision at the 1st of this year that I could never get back together with him, so he moved on to another enabler.

As for me, I'm not ready to date yet either. I enjoy being alone now. Someday, I'd like to find Mr. Right.... but I'm just not ready today. At least today, I have standards of how I want to be treated. That is a big step from where I was in my relationship with AH. I hope to get more healthy before dating again... like Ann says... HEALTHY attracts HEALTHY.

Glad you posted this... I'll be reading the answers too.

sojourner

I think that's pretty common. Do you have children you are raising? If you do, that is your primary responsibility right now; and under those circumstances dating and looking for "Mr. Right" is hard on the kids because they bond with this "pseudo-fathers" when all we are doing is looking. I've also read somewhere that even in the situation of dating only when the kids are gone, the kids know something is up in the sense that they are put on the back burner emotionally by mom because her adrenaline, energy, and thoughts are on the new beau.

Of course, if you don't have kids, just ignore that paragraph above. Even without kids, i think it is entirely normal to not want to date. But i do think the poster who talked about being separated but not divorced might be onto something. I spotted that first thing in your post. I even have thought of that in my situation (I've been divorced for a long time but have never gotten an annulment in my Catholic tradition).

You're normal. We're normal. We're all just on a journey.

funkzter

Hi Teke,
don't know what to add, seems all have been said above but i just wanted to first give you a big hug and second to tell you : sounds like you enjoy being by yourself right now so just do that: Enjoy it!
xox
Carine

Abundance

Mirror exactly what Cessy said.

I'm just at the half year mark of not being with my xabf... I'm going to be 37 in a couple of months. I have NO desire to be in a relationship. I don't even want to bother with dating either.

The only dates I want are ones with my two little boys or friends!

I AM hoping this to change, but I'm not looking forward to it, either. I feel like I have SO much work I have to do on myself first. Even if my x was able to prove his sobriety - have his shiat together - as much as I still love him - I'm SO not ready to give 100% of myself........ because I'm NOT 100%!

I don't think there is anything wrong with you... are you happy? There are no rules on how you are to be happy unless... is your happiness hurting anyone? No. So... be happy.

(How it works... this time next year, when you least expect it, you'll be fully divorced and in love with Mr. Wonderful!) heh heh

ZombieWife

It took a long time for me to be sexually interested in my husband again after all we went through. There is a trust factor there. I need to trust someone in order to respect them. And I need to respect/trust them in order to want to be intimate. I remember points in our relationship when I didn't even want him to kiss him. I had this weird idea that I'd taste the old meth in his mouth.

It took TIME to get to a point where I was even interested in sex or in being cuddly, huggy, kissing or actively participating in the relationship. I felt like his addiction had really killed the better parts of me and of US as a couple.

But, those things came back for me - slowly. And I couldn't do it alone. I needed help (therapy and group support). I think entering into a new relationship would be just as difficult if not moreso. You are learning to trust again (trust others AND yourself).

Done_With_It

Personally I've never in my life had a relationship longer than a month or so.
I am really picky, never settle, and never felt like I needed "anyone"
to be happy. I think it's perfectly normal to just be and not think about it.
Whatever happens is what happens.

My personal opinion is you should not think 'that's what's wrong with me'..

Nothing is wrong with us, we are just here doing the best we can.
When I stopped worrying about what is wrong with me that's when things
in my life really really changed.
I used to think of things all day long that were wrong with me.
I have no time for that anymore.
That's just me anyway.
I think life is too dang short for us to be spending so much time
worrying about what is wrong with us instead of the things that
are right with us.


You are perfect the way you are.
JMO



Okay off my pollyanna horse now.


SHamONEeeee!