Overreact...who me?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 16
Overreact...who me?
I just need some perspective here. This is not strictly to do with this thread, but i need some advice, so if anyone is feeling in an advice mood, i would appreciate it. Thanks in advance to anyone who takes the time to give me a reply. I know its a lot of reading.
I dont think i am the most well adjusted person in terms of my interactions with people. I dont know if this is because im an ACoA, or just because i am me. Do ACoA's feel like people just dont get them sometimes? I have a lot of acquantainces, but few people that i consider friends. And even then, i dont think those friends understand why most times i show absolutely no emotion (years of being told not to be so sensitive when my dad got drunk and swore me), i am very withdrawn and sometimes after a few drinks, i am more likely to get emotional if something is bothering me. This is not a good way to be. I realise this and am working on trying to change this behaviour.
The problem is that until i found this site, i didnt have anyone or anywhere to turn to. The only person that i used to turn to was my best friend, who i noticed has changed over the years. When we teens, he was great. But as we got older, he turned into a womanizer amongst other things. I dont like a lot of his behaviour and i think i stayed his friend because i didnt have anyone else that i felt comfortable discussing everything with. Recently, i was out and something upset me. It was about 2am, but my friend was out as well and i sms'd him and asked if i could chat when i got home and he said yes. So when i got home, i called and we chatted and then straight after, his on again/of again gf sent me a message shouting at me for not realising that he was with her. The thing is, when i phoned, i asked him if he was with her and he said no. Then they started fighting with eachother and she told me it was my faullt. :wtf2. Its not the first time he has lied to me, or the first time she has acted psycho towards me (i found out she spread lots of rumours about me etc.). I got to this point where i thought enough is enough and i asked both of them not to contact me again, because i dont like being drawn into their problems, which they always do.
Did i overreact or was i being reasonable? He has let me down many times before and even though i dont trust easily, when i let someone in, it takes a lot for me to see their faults. I dont know if this is an ACoA thing, or a me thing.
I dont think i am the most well adjusted person in terms of my interactions with people. I dont know if this is because im an ACoA, or just because i am me. Do ACoA's feel like people just dont get them sometimes? I have a lot of acquantainces, but few people that i consider friends. And even then, i dont think those friends understand why most times i show absolutely no emotion (years of being told not to be so sensitive when my dad got drunk and swore me), i am very withdrawn and sometimes after a few drinks, i am more likely to get emotional if something is bothering me. This is not a good way to be. I realise this and am working on trying to change this behaviour.
The problem is that until i found this site, i didnt have anyone or anywhere to turn to. The only person that i used to turn to was my best friend, who i noticed has changed over the years. When we teens, he was great. But as we got older, he turned into a womanizer amongst other things. I dont like a lot of his behaviour and i think i stayed his friend because i didnt have anyone else that i felt comfortable discussing everything with. Recently, i was out and something upset me. It was about 2am, but my friend was out as well and i sms'd him and asked if i could chat when i got home and he said yes. So when i got home, i called and we chatted and then straight after, his on again/of again gf sent me a message shouting at me for not realising that he was with her. The thing is, when i phoned, i asked him if he was with her and he said no. Then they started fighting with eachother and she told me it was my faullt. :wtf2. Its not the first time he has lied to me, or the first time she has acted psycho towards me (i found out she spread lots of rumours about me etc.). I got to this point where i thought enough is enough and i asked both of them not to contact me again, because i dont like being drawn into their problems, which they always do.
Did i overreact or was i being reasonable? He has let me down many times before and even though i dont trust easily, when i let someone in, it takes a lot for me to see their faults. I dont know if this is an ACoA thing, or a me thing.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 100
This situation wasn't your fault. He should have told you that he had someone with him. One of the great things that I have learned over the last few years is that someone else's bad behavoir is no reflection on me. He should have told you that he couldn't talk and she should not have wacked out on you. They were both wrong.
We all need someone that we can talk to. When someone had a tough childhood and an alcoholic parent, they need it even more.
I am new to this forum and don't mean to come across as evangalizing for alanon; however, it has been a great program for me. I have found people who have been through what I am going through and who are true friends. These are people who don't mind a phone call at 2:00 a.m.
We all need someone that we can talk to. When someone had a tough childhood and an alcoholic parent, they need it even more.
I am new to this forum and don't mean to come across as evangalizing for alanon; however, it has been a great program for me. I have found people who have been through what I am going through and who are true friends. These are people who don't mind a phone call at 2:00 a.m.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: CO
Posts: 72
His girlfriend sounds a bit unstable. I don't think you overacted in anyway. I actually think what you did is the best thing to do. You called a friend for help, help that you deserved and needed, and his girlfriend yelled at you for that and for "causing" their problems. You don't need that. Good for you for standing up for yourself.
Hi ice17. I don't know for sure, but to me it sounds like a lot of your reactions, situations, etc., come from being an ACOA. Maybe I'm wrong, but the reason I think this is because I can relate to almost all of it. I too mainly have only acquaintances and oftentimes it does seem like no one can relate (except the people on this site of course
).
Hi ice17. I don't know for sure, but to me it sounds like a lot of your reactions, situations, etc., come from being an ACOA. Maybe I'm wrong, but the reason I think this is because I can relate to almost all of it. I too mainly have only acquaintances and oftentimes it does seem like no one can relate (except the people on this site of course
).
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 16
Thank you guys soooo much! I have noticed that since i joined this site, my anxiety levels have gone down so much just from having people to talk to that understand. At the moment i am reevaluating my life a bit. I have realised that a lot of the people in my life are unhealthy for me and in ACoA fashion, i clung to them anyway. I often feel like im burdening someone with my problems, or that i sound like im just complaining, so that i just keep things to myself. Thank again.
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
ACoAs often wonder if their behavior is "normal." It's one of the defining characteristics of adults from toxic families.
That being said, I think what you did was very healthy. You saw that your "friend" was lying to you - and it sounds like you don't deem this acceptable. You were aware that his girlfriend is a bit on the unstable side, or at the very least is toxic to you in her behaviors. You were aware that this social triangle was not in your best interest. You then made a boundary about what you deemed acceptable, and informed them that they were outside this boundary. Then you defended your boundary by refusing to be involved in this triangle anymore.
So you were in a toxic place, and you chose to get out of it. That doesn't sound wrong to me at all. It sounds very very healthy.
That being said, I think what you did was very healthy. You saw that your "friend" was lying to you - and it sounds like you don't deem this acceptable. You were aware that his girlfriend is a bit on the unstable side, or at the very least is toxic to you in her behaviors. You were aware that this social triangle was not in your best interest. You then made a boundary about what you deemed acceptable, and informed them that they were outside this boundary. Then you defended your boundary by refusing to be involved in this triangle anymore.
So you were in a toxic place, and you chose to get out of it. That doesn't sound wrong to me at all. It sounds very very healthy.
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