I'm a codependent and that's what codependents do
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I'm a codependent and that's what codependents do
LaTeeDa re-posted that "Don't be surprised...I'm an addict" great letter from the "Classic Reading" in a post today. It got me thinking: I wonder what the codependent equivalent of Jon the addict's letter would sound like?
Hi my name is X and I am codependent. I will not stop telling you what you should do and how you should do it. I will spy on you, I will monitor exactly how much alcohol you imbibe, I will lie awake at night and listen to your drunken crashing and vomiting and I will seethe with disappointment and rage. And then you will hear about it for three days.
Until I decide that this time is different, I will tell you time and time again just what I see you are doing wrong, how much you are hurting me and the children, how you are destroying our family. I will allow my finances and my social life to be destroyed. I will use your behavior to justify my frustration, depression, paralysis, and anger.
I don't love you, I cannot love you, because I pity you and don't respect your right to be exactly who and what you are. I refuse to accept you the way you are because it would mean I will have to change. I am incapable of loving you because I feel superior to you, I would never say it out loud, but when I look at you and your problems I am assured of all the ways that I keep it together. My good qualities become exaggerated in my mind because I have your handy example to compare them to.
I refuse to step off of my constant attention to your problems because it means I will have to see that I myself have serious problems that I refuse to address and change. I need to convince myself on a daily basis that I know you so well and what's best for you because I don't know myself at all, and because of that I don't know what's good for me.
My behavior cannot and will not change until I make a decison to stop behaving and thinking this way, until I make a decision to focus on my own problems and the consequences of my own decisions in this life, and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you and myself again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am codependent, And that's what codependents do.
Hi my name is X and I am codependent. I will not stop telling you what you should do and how you should do it. I will spy on you, I will monitor exactly how much alcohol you imbibe, I will lie awake at night and listen to your drunken crashing and vomiting and I will seethe with disappointment and rage. And then you will hear about it for three days.
Until I decide that this time is different, I will tell you time and time again just what I see you are doing wrong, how much you are hurting me and the children, how you are destroying our family. I will allow my finances and my social life to be destroyed. I will use your behavior to justify my frustration, depression, paralysis, and anger.
I don't love you, I cannot love you, because I pity you and don't respect your right to be exactly who and what you are. I refuse to accept you the way you are because it would mean I will have to change. I am incapable of loving you because I feel superior to you, I would never say it out loud, but when I look at you and your problems I am assured of all the ways that I keep it together. My good qualities become exaggerated in my mind because I have your handy example to compare them to.
I refuse to step off of my constant attention to your problems because it means I will have to see that I myself have serious problems that I refuse to address and change. I need to convince myself on a daily basis that I know you so well and what's best for you because I don't know myself at all, and because of that I don't know what's good for me.
My behavior cannot and will not change until I make a decison to stop behaving and thinking this way, until I make a decision to focus on my own problems and the consequences of my own decisions in this life, and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you and myself again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am codependent, And that's what codependents do.
Last edited by Bernadette; 11-04-2009 at 03:50 PM.
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So I just came across this old post after searching for some info on codependents. All I can say is WOW, every word of this was like it had been written directly for me. Very clear I have a lot of work to do on myself. Thanks Bernadette!
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Yes, the letter from Jon that Bernadette mentions is this, the thread can be found in the stickies at the top of the forum:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ddicts-do.html (What Addicts Do)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ddicts-do.html (What Addicts Do)
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
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Have A Great 24
-jon
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________
Have A Great 24
-jon
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Location: Austin, TX
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I think part of my recovery is realizing that I hurt people as much as I was hurt. For a people pleaser like myself, that is a hard pill to swallow.
Just a human being here.. perhaps a codependent one. Work in progress.
E
Just a human being here.. perhaps a codependent one. Work in progress.
E
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,355
Definitely it's a hard pill to swallow that as codependents we can also be manipulative and controlling.
A huge trait of codependency I've witnessed lately in a friend of mine who is hugely codependent is over helping. I know it's good to help when coming coming from a good intention and nothing is expected back but she can push her "help" onto people whether they like it or not, which is actually control.
A huge trait of codependency I've witnessed lately in a friend of mine who is hugely codependent is over helping. I know it's good to help when coming coming from a good intention and nothing is expected back but she can push her "help" onto people whether they like it or not, which is actually control.
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99 
A huge trait of codependency I've witnessed lately in a friend of mine who is hugely codependent is over helping. I know it's good to help when coming coming from a good intention and nothing is expected back but she can push her "help" onto people whether they like it or not, which is actually control.
And I agree, that coming to the realization that as "codependents" we too have behaved in less than healthy ways and contributed to the dysfunction of relationships and lives, it is indeed a bitter, bitter pill to swallow. But it is where the healing starts.
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