tiedmyself2tite

hey my name is ryan. i'm 28. from georgia. here's my deal: used to be a heroin addict. i got off heroin with methadone. been off methadone over 2 years. of course instead of going 12 step or getting support in any way i started drinking. i've been drinking pretty heavily for the last few years and recently had a breakup with a serious girlfriend due to my drinking and it sent me off the deep end. after about 3 weeks of serious binge drinking i had an epiphany and realized that it needs to stop. last night i drank a few beers just to not shake and did not sleep at all. i'm scared of going to a detox program or a real live meeting. i already did it all before and the talking helped but i was really always turned off by the setting. i found talking about it online helped and there was a period of about 4 months when i was kicking methadone and xanax addiction that i wasn't drinking a whole lot. a beer or 2 every few days. but the girl i was with drank more and the more time we spent the more i drank. she eventually stopped drinking without a problem (guess she doesn't have those addiction genes like i do). i was not able to do the same and that ended our relationship. of course part of me wants to stop drinking to fix the relationship. but i want to do something with my life. i've been going through the steps to get into the military. scored a 92 out of 99 on my entrance exam but i'm starting to feel like i'm too old for any jobs that are available. i used to write so much. and i was a good writer. my friends loved reading what i wrote but i haven't written anything worth a crap in a few years and that scares me. i want to fill up composition notebooks every couple of months with beautiful words like i used to but i can't even force myself to write anything meaningful. or that feels meaningful. i don't have a sobriety date because i'm still not sober. i drank one beer today just to make the shakes and sweats stop. no i won't sleep tonight but at least i'm not miserable. sort of want to go to detox but they'll just give me a benzodiazapine which i've had my problems with already. i just want to talk to people. i need support. my ex is supporting me as much as she can in our fragile relationship but i don't have anyone else's and that's why i came here. i guess that's it for now. talk to you guys later!!!

thirtybubba

Welcome to SR, Ryan

There's a lot of support here, and you can get through this...


If you're going through the shakes like that still, you might want to consider going to a doctor for medical supervision on your detox, at least. There are some very serious negative side effects to alcohol withdrawal. I don't know what alternatives there are, but a doctor could tell you that.

Best of luck, man, and keep reading/posting on SR... together we can do this...

Take care,
-TB

Dee74

Welcome tiedmyself2tite

You'll find help and support here ryan

I see you have some fairly definite ideas about what you can't or won't do - I was like that - I ended up doing nothing and my addiction beat me into the ground.

Don't be like me - we all need to change, to do something tangible, to make this work.

Keep an open mind - explore everything - the more options you have, the better your chances....

D

tiedmyself2tite

yea i know i'm being hard headed right now. trying to stay away from doctors and 12 steppers. being open minded would be a better alternative. my mom quit drinking when i was 3 and has been a 12 stepper ever since so i've pretty much had the stuff drilled in my head all my life. lot of good that did right? haha jk. i keep thinking i can just drink a little less each day and sort of ween like i did with methadone but we all know a little turns into a lot so easy. also my new roommate is a pretty heavy drinker. not as bad as i've been lately but there's usually a bottle of liquor in the house. and i work in a bar. ughhhhh. hahaha....

CarolD

Welcome to SR

Dime

You sound like me as I would not accept help from anyone and always thought I could handle it on my own. What happened to me is something that I would not like you to go through. Addictions/Alcoholism is a progressive disease and I see examples of it all the time and I too found out the hard way that it is indeed progressive.

Getting a medically supervised detox was just the break I needed to get on a proper recovery program. Life can be so much better if you can be open minded and accept help.

Good Luck to you

SeekingPeace01

Ryan! WRITE! That sounds so easy, but just do it. I'm a writer too, and I'm just hopping back on the wagon today. Desperately scared. You have so much beauty and light ahead of you . . . It's shocking, but I love writing so much more when I'm clear-headed. I never knew that was possible, but I'm trying to remember.

I say that confidently because I have a lot of hope for myself and the possibility of beauty ahead of all of my darkness. I also work in a bar. I hear ya, man. Don't focus on the ugliness. When you're in bed tonight, just imagine all of the amazing moments you will have without all this substance weighing you down. That's what I plan on doing. Congratulations on wanting more. It's a hard road to walk. You're not alone.

Be well. So much strength sent to you . . .

Sikkisirus

Welcome to SR Ryan, great place for support

Tazman53

Welcome to SR Ryan, let me ask a couple of questions, but just answer to yourself.

Why are you set against a 12 step program?

Do you & your mother have on going issues that may have you set against a 12 step program.

Just mull those over for a while.

You say:
After answering the questions and then re-reading what you said it sounds as though face to face meetings are what you want.

Think about the above and then go see a doctor, be totally honest about the herion and methadone as well as your drinking, both amount you are drinking and what happens to you when you do not drink.

Detoxing from alcohol with out medical supervision can and does kill folks all the time, are you willing to bet your life that you can do this without medical help?

adore79

hi and welcome

Wolfchild

tiedmyself2tite

well i'm on my 3rd day trying to ween. seems to be working out ok. taking a lot of willpower not to walk to the store at noon and get a 6 pack but i haven't had a drink in 17 hours and i'm not shaking or sweating or feeling like i'll die if i don't get some alcohol inside of me soon. had to hide my roommates bottle of whiskey from plain view so i'd stop looking at it but it feels really good to be sober right now and not dying to get a drink. just been talking to my friends about it a lot and the support is awesome. one of my old drinking buddies (drunken fistfights in the liquor store parking lot just for fun) is trying the same thing right now and hasn't had a drink in 3 days and we've been talking a lot. i think the less i think about it the less i'll think about it so i might not sign in here for a little bit because this site definitely makes me think about it. i'll update y'all later. thanks for reading and the support!

Horselover

Glad the weaning is working for you. I don't think I would have the strength to do it, but if it works for you then that's awesome. We'll be waiting for the update.

Payton

Just wanting to say I'm reading. I am only on Day 1 myself, so I don't have great advice, other than to keep trying and ask for support if/when you need it. I hope to check in tomorrow and see that you're on Day 4.

tiedmyself2tite

so i failed miserably last night. got a tiny buzz from my 2 beers and noticed a half full bottle of 90 proof whiskey my roommate had. drank all of it. all night. until i couldn't stand up. started sending crazy accusatory texts to my ex. she knew i was drunk immediately.

talked to my mom today. we talked for a long time. she's urging me and willing to help me get into a detox program. so that's the plan now. told her about SR and she told me about people in remote places that only go to meetings online. i'm pretty excited to get on with my life. to be a normal person. to have a normal family and just be happy. my mom is being a huge inspiration. she's going to start going to AA meetings again to show the newbies that people can get sober, stay sober for 30 years, go get a masters degree, and have a normal life.

she said to me today 'since i've gotten sober i went through a messy divorce with your father, i dealt with you being a heroin addict and all that entailed, now i'm dealing with you being an alcoholic and i will not touch a drink, it's not an option.' it almost made me cry because i know the sh*t i've done and dealt with personally and imagining my mom staying up at night wondering about me about killed me.

NewMe11109

Hang in there TiedMyself2Tite. Your mom sounds like a real inspiration.

Perhaps this is your turning point. Take the momentum and start your recovery.