Quit or Get Out!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 53
Quit or Get Out!
Hello, I'm new to this website. I posted on the Newcomers page and was told this was the place for me! I don't know how often people surf or if they remain faithful and true, reading one messaage board only, but if you get a chance could you please read my post over there? Same title.**
**I do apologize in advance for slamming some of the ideas of Al-Anon, however unintetionally.
**I do apologize in advance for slamming some of the ideas of Al-Anon, however unintetionally.
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Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hiya Tiny and welcome!
I hope you'll forgive me but I'm just a little bit tickled. You may not like the words detachment and acceptance, but that's just what you have (almost) achieved. You've accepted that an alcoholic is what he is and that's not going to change, and you've detached from trying to make him. Those things acheived... all you had to do was decide if there were enough perks to living with him to make putting up with the alcohol worthwhile. Sounds like the answer is no.
We had one member a couple of years back that had to result in a legal order to get the guy out. I'm kind of impatient so I'd probably opt for the change of locks/stuff on the sidewalk routine if he couldn't get it through his head that he wasn't staying. Either way... we're here for you. Scream all you want.
Hugs!
Smoke
I hope you'll forgive me but I'm just a little bit tickled. You may not like the words detachment and acceptance, but that's just what you have (almost) achieved. You've accepted that an alcoholic is what he is and that's not going to change, and you've detached from trying to make him. Those things acheived... all you had to do was decide if there were enough perks to living with him to make putting up with the alcohol worthwhile. Sounds like the answer is no.
We had one member a couple of years back that had to result in a legal order to get the guy out. I'm kind of impatient so I'd probably opt for the change of locks/stuff on the sidewalk routine if he couldn't get it through his head that he wasn't staying. Either way... we're here for you. Scream all you want.
Hugs!
Smoke
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
Welcome TinyOne,
I went, I read, and here I am...no offence taken...
It is the pits no matter what age we are when we reach a breaking point. When we get to the point of get "help and recover or get out.'....
I understand your need to vent...I understand you really need phyical help....But when a person lives with alcoholism it's my belief I need a support group that will help me accept life on life's terms...I am not saying you did right or wrong I just hear your pain and understand where you are at this moment.
I am a grateful member of Al-Anon, I go to meetings, I have a sponsor, I work the Step, Traditions, read the lit...that does not make me a saint it makes me a survivor of the family diease of alcoholism.
Today, doesn't sound like a day you can detach or accept, I need to tell my story so I can feel the pain, to let go of the yesterdays and live just for today... Using the tools of Al-Anon helps me do that...but first I need to get a realiaty check as to where I am, where I need to go, and how am I going to get there..
I would suggest trying 6 Al-Anon meeting with just yourself in mind....then if none of it fits we'll gladly refund you pain as we each have enough of our own...
SOME PAIN IS NESSARY FOR MY SPIRITUAL GROWTH BUT MISERY IS OPTIONAL! (I hate hearing that when I need it the most)
Love and prayers from one who cares, Keep coming back.
I went, I read, and here I am...no offence taken...
It is the pits no matter what age we are when we reach a breaking point. When we get to the point of get "help and recover or get out.'....
I understand your need to vent...I understand you really need phyical help....But when a person lives with alcoholism it's my belief I need a support group that will help me accept life on life's terms...I am not saying you did right or wrong I just hear your pain and understand where you are at this moment.
I am a grateful member of Al-Anon, I go to meetings, I have a sponsor, I work the Step, Traditions, read the lit...that does not make me a saint it makes me a survivor of the family diease of alcoholism.
Today, doesn't sound like a day you can detach or accept, I need to tell my story so I can feel the pain, to let go of the yesterdays and live just for today... Using the tools of Al-Anon helps me do that...but first I need to get a realiaty check as to where I am, where I need to go, and how am I going to get there..
I would suggest trying 6 Al-Anon meeting with just yourself in mind....then if none of it fits we'll gladly refund you pain as we each have enough of our own...
SOME PAIN IS NESSARY FOR MY SPIRITUAL GROWTH BUT MISERY IS OPTIONAL! (I hate hearing that when I need it the most)
Love and prayers from one who cares, Keep coming back.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 53
Thank you! I read 'Codependants No More' twice and every time I picked it up I got madder and madder. I couldn't believe I was reading a book on how to live with a drunk. When he's gone I'll reread it for myself!
Went to an Al-Anon meeting once. A woman took me into a separate room to teach me 'beginner' stuff. Everything she said went against their literature. I asked her if anyone ever told someone else to 'Just leave'. She said no, this meeting is for living with the alcoholic and we don't discuss the characteristics of alcoholics here. Maybe she was goofy? How can we make sound decisions without knowing the extent of what we are really looking at, such as the omnipotent feelings and sneakiness, as well as the physiological aspects. If a man is drinking all the time and says he cut back, it is physically not possible without illness. His body has been accustomed to a certain level of alcohol and without he will get very sick.
Guess I'm 'thankful' I work in a Detox Unit. If I have any questions about what is permissible to do say/here who do I contact? Translation: Can I say Get Out here??
Went to an Al-Anon meeting once. A woman took me into a separate room to teach me 'beginner' stuff. Everything she said went against their literature. I asked her if anyone ever told someone else to 'Just leave'. She said no, this meeting is for living with the alcoholic and we don't discuss the characteristics of alcoholics here. Maybe she was goofy? How can we make sound decisions without knowing the extent of what we are really looking at, such as the omnipotent feelings and sneakiness, as well as the physiological aspects. If a man is drinking all the time and says he cut back, it is physically not possible without illness. His body has been accustomed to a certain level of alcohol and without he will get very sick.
Guess I'm 'thankful' I work in a Detox Unit. If I have any questions about what is permissible to do say/here who do I contact? Translation: Can I say Get Out here??
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Oh... as long as you don't personally insult anyone here, post a pyramid scheme or advertise a commericial website... you can say about anything you want. We try not to tell each other what to do... "get out" and "hang in" are personal choices. I have been guilty of telling people to get out when physical abuse is involved... but I forgive me. I panic.
I find it strange what that woman said to you. Alanon is not about how to live with an alcoholic. It's for dealing with the repercussions of having, or having had an alcoholic in your life. And I find your take on Melanie Beattie's book ... interesting... and I hope you will reread it. It really isn't a book about how to live with an alcoholic at all. It's about how to stop making yourself into a doormat. For some of us that means moving on. And that's okay. It's right in line with Alanon. You may need to find a different group.
I find it strange what that woman said to you. Alanon is not about how to live with an alcoholic. It's for dealing with the repercussions of having, or having had an alcoholic in your life. And I find your take on Melanie Beattie's book ... interesting... and I hope you will reread it. It really isn't a book about how to live with an alcoholic at all. It's about how to stop making yourself into a doormat. For some of us that means moving on. And that's okay. It's right in line with Alanon. You may need to find a different group.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Wish I knew
Posts: 428
Maybe write up a list of the reasons to have him stay and the reasons for him to leave. If the bad outweighs the good, make him leave.
If your name is on everything, he could be considered a trespasser. Maybe call the police if he shows up? change the locks?? If your doing it on your own anyway, what good is he?
If your name is on everything, he could be considered a trespasser. Maybe call the police if he shows up? change the locks?? If your doing it on your own anyway, what good is he?
Paused
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Eugene, Oregon
Posts: 5
"Quit or Get Out" Man, I have said those words a thousand times, and I have yet to see it work for me. I know now that it is his/her desiese/problem and how they chose to handle it or even NOT handle it is thier own business. I can only change my stinken thinken. And who says he has to leave, that door swings both ways you know.
Thanks for sharing I am sitting in a hotel room right now online with Alanon, earlier I was crying and upset because my A took off to who knows where and doing who knows what. I did have enough sense to log on and read the board and am not quite well, I am on the right track again.
Thanks for sharing I am sitting in a hotel room right now online with Alanon, earlier I was crying and upset because my A took off to who knows where and doing who knows what. I did have enough sense to log on and read the board and am not quite well, I am on the right track again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 53
Annasgirl, I'm so sorry I wasn't in the middle of the night (or whenever it was for me.) It ain't easy being me, I'm sure many nights in the future we'll be on at the same time--with better reasons! I'm not sure if I worded it right in my post but I had made up my mind to live without him before asking him to quit. It was a way for him to be able to say he left me. I figured as long as he left I didn't care who he thought was responsible. I never thought for a moment that he would quit.
Thank you all for your encouragement. Yesterday bob went to his bar for the football game, stayed out till 9 (game over at 4) and came home relatively sober. At the beginning he and I started out as friends until one day he called and said 'I can't take it anymore, I want you and not her! Boy, you can see this coming, huh? He said his past GF was a drunk that didn't want sex. Hello? So, based on that, a strange beep on his beeper and the way he's been acting I'm assuming he's already got someone lined up. The writing's been on the wall for a while.
Called and left a message this morning on his beeper that I can't shake the feeliing he's cheating and I'm not going to live like this so I want him out by next Monday. (There was never any question he was staying but now he has a time limit. I do great things when I'm pissed off.)
Again, thank you all!!
Thank you all for your encouragement. Yesterday bob went to his bar for the football game, stayed out till 9 (game over at 4) and came home relatively sober. At the beginning he and I started out as friends until one day he called and said 'I can't take it anymore, I want you and not her! Boy, you can see this coming, huh? He said his past GF was a drunk that didn't want sex. Hello? So, based on that, a strange beep on his beeper and the way he's been acting I'm assuming he's already got someone lined up. The writing's been on the wall for a while.
Called and left a message this morning on his beeper that I can't shake the feeliing he's cheating and I'm not going to live like this so I want him out by next Monday. (There was never any question he was staying but now he has a time limit. I do great things when I'm pissed off.)
Again, thank you all!!
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Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Ohio
Posts: 12
"I read 'Codependants No More' twice and every time I picked it up I got madder and madder. I couldn't believe I was reading a book on how to live with a drunk..."
TinyOne
When I started coming to Alanon meetings, I had already made up my mind that I was getting a divorce. And I have been reading CDN and all the codependency books like my life depends on it for the last 6 months. Why, if I am divorcing my alcoholic wife anyway?
Because I selected this mate and put up with her behavior for all these years. Because I don't want to repeat my mistakes again and again and again, unless I am learning something from them. Because the message of detachment and acceptance, the hope of the Serenity Prayer, the 12 Steps are not just about this relationship, they are about all of my relationships.
TinyOne
When I started coming to Alanon meetings, I had already made up my mind that I was getting a divorce. And I have been reading CDN and all the codependency books like my life depends on it for the last 6 months. Why, if I am divorcing my alcoholic wife anyway?
Because I selected this mate and put up with her behavior for all these years. Because I don't want to repeat my mistakes again and again and again, unless I am learning something from them. Because the message of detachment and acceptance, the hope of the Serenity Prayer, the 12 Steps are not just about this relationship, they are about all of my relationships.
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
""""IT SEEMS SO STRANGE THAT THE HOLES IN MY HEAD JUST FIT THE HORNS ON THEIRS..."""
JUST HAD TO THROW THAT OUT THERE 'CAUSE IT'S SO TRUE FOR ME............
Welcome hopeful 50.....You are so right. I'd just do this over and over. When you hit a brick wall you turn left. But it seems to me that as a pre-Al-Anon that brick wall and I got pretty well acquiataned.
JUST HAD TO THROW THAT OUT THERE 'CAUSE IT'S SO TRUE FOR ME............
Welcome hopeful 50.....You are so right. I'd just do this over and over. When you hit a brick wall you turn left. But it seems to me that as a pre-Al-Anon that brick wall and I got pretty well acquiataned.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 53
I do end up with idiots over and over, just not the same kind twice. haha. I originally picked up Codependant No More as a way to give me strength while living with Bob. Not to stay with a drunk, just how to improve myself while doing so. Does that make sense? The book was very helpful in a way that wasn't intended--it made me see how ridiculous it was that I was staying with a drunk and trying to read a book for strength. Ok, still not making sense.
The book is good, I learned a lot about myself and will read it again when he's gone so I can concentrate more on myself and not just read it situationally. I know I'm codependant. I got a 'bad egg' at Al-Anon and should have given it another try sooner rather than applying 'her' teachings to reading the book. Being angry every time I picked it up was very helpful. Like I said I'm good when I'm pissed!
Bob paid the bills, never hit me, gave me money whenever I needed it to travel, cooked (less and less often), was reachable by beeper and had a steady home/work/bar schedule. It just took me a while to realize I needed/wanted more. I hope we're all more successful staying away from unfixable people in the future!!
The book is good, I learned a lot about myself and will read it again when he's gone so I can concentrate more on myself and not just read it situationally. I know I'm codependant. I got a 'bad egg' at Al-Anon and should have given it another try sooner rather than applying 'her' teachings to reading the book. Being angry every time I picked it up was very helpful. Like I said I'm good when I'm pissed!
Bob paid the bills, never hit me, gave me money whenever I needed it to travel, cooked (less and less often), was reachable by beeper and had a steady home/work/bar schedule. It just took me a while to realize I needed/wanted more. I hope we're all more successful staying away from unfixable people in the future!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 341
I met a really "bad egg" in an al-anon meeting too. She seemed to assume a leadership role in that particular group and controlled everything (and then she would talk about how she USED TO BE co-dependent!!!!). And it seemed that everyone else in the group was afraid to say anything about her controlling behavior. When I opened up and "shared" with the group at my third meeting (I was crying and probably didn't make sense because I was so emotional) she walked up to me afterward and told me I needed help with my communication skills and then walked away. At the next meeting when it was my turn to talk the self-imposed leaders best friend interrupted and didn't let me speak. I was shocked and very, very hurt. I cryed all the way home. I didn't go back to that group again as it was obvious that it was not a healthy environment for me (or any other human being for that matter). I moved on and found another group that was fantastic and supportive.
My point is, that there are many places that hold al-anon meetings. All people are different, thus, every group of people will be different too. You need to find one that is right for you.
As for the Co-dependent No More book: I couldn't believe I was reading it either. But as I read it I got mad--at myself. I saw myself in that book and I realized what my lifelong distructive patterns have been. I didn't have a clue what co-dependence was let alone if I was one. Thanks to my counselor for recommending that book! Now my life is so much better (after a few years of intensive work on myself).
My point is, that there are many places that hold al-anon meetings. All people are different, thus, every group of people will be different too. You need to find one that is right for you.
As for the Co-dependent No More book: I couldn't believe I was reading it either. But as I read it I got mad--at myself. I saw myself in that book and I realized what my lifelong distructive patterns have been. I didn't have a clue what co-dependence was let alone if I was one. Thanks to my counselor for recommending that book! Now my life is so much better (after a few years of intensive work on myself).
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