I 'told' on him.......
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
I 'told' on him.......
whew.
I don't know where to start. Although my posts are typically long-winded, I will try to keep this short.
In 2 weeks time, the abf went out 3x's till 2 a.m. (when the bars close here).
Came home 'gacked up', (mouth moving all over the place, from coke).... drunk, and we already know about the pill situation.
Last night..... I reached my end. I transfered every last dime I had to my parents account. When he came to our room, I simply said, "get out".
He took an about-face, and went to the couch, without argument. (and last night would have been perfect time to 'have it out', because my kids were at their dads).... but NO. I have nothing to say.
This a.m., he's pucking in the bathroom, late for work, (thank god it's his own business).
Around 11 a.m. I get the " im sorry" call.
I don't care, I'm not answering.
I made a unilateral decision to tell on him.
I called his best friend, (who does 'party' ) but is NOT an addict, (who has approached me before, worried for *Joe's* well-being......
I said to him, "I'm calling you because I trust you. I'm calling about the subject you have talked to me about before.... I have a big problem here".
He told me he will call me back when he is alone.
I intend on telling him about how bad *Joe* is gettting. I want to tell him that I don't wish to have dirty hands in this. I want to let him know that he IS DOING many, many, pills, and that his little nights out, 'partying' with friends is not the same as it is for the others......... that he has a HUGE drug problem. I intend on telling him, that if *Joe* od's from takeing pills, drinking, and doing coke, that HE could know about this as well. I want him to know, that my well-off abf has been stalling on giving me my money towards the bills, and his business is in jeporady, becasue of his addiciton. I will tell him that I am not a wretched 'bit** 'who is being dramatic if I throw him out.... that it is because this is NOT my lifestlye, and I won't tolerate it anymore. I will tell him that if he truely cares about his best friend/business partner, he will take of his rose-colored glasses, and realize that he has BIG BIG friggin' problems.
I don't want to be silenced any longer.
I don't want to be looked at by his friends, that he can't watch the world series, without his girlfriend haveing a 'fit'. They don't see/or want to see, that this man is takeing up to 20 oxy's a day, then partying with THEM at night. MOST NORMAL non-addicted people, can stay out and have beers, and call it a night. On the other hand, an addict, taking 20 oxys a day, drinking, and NOW doing coke, will DIE.
I'm walking away, unless they have a better suggestion.
I'm putting it out there for others to try and understand/help, or just simply give me support /validation.
I've done all I can do. I'm done-with-it.
*Joe* called again this afternoon, and said he was 'done'.... quitting AGAIN. Whatever.
I believe that as much as I believe in Santa.
I hope I'm doing the right thing.
Love,
Cess
I don't know where to start. Although my posts are typically long-winded, I will try to keep this short.
In 2 weeks time, the abf went out 3x's till 2 a.m. (when the bars close here).
Came home 'gacked up', (mouth moving all over the place, from coke).... drunk, and we already know about the pill situation.
Last night..... I reached my end. I transfered every last dime I had to my parents account. When he came to our room, I simply said, "get out".
He took an about-face, and went to the couch, without argument. (and last night would have been perfect time to 'have it out', because my kids were at their dads).... but NO. I have nothing to say.
This a.m., he's pucking in the bathroom, late for work, (thank god it's his own business).
Around 11 a.m. I get the " im sorry" call.
I don't care, I'm not answering.
I made a unilateral decision to tell on him.
I called his best friend, (who does 'party' ) but is NOT an addict, (who has approached me before, worried for *Joe's* well-being......
I said to him, "I'm calling you because I trust you. I'm calling about the subject you have talked to me about before.... I have a big problem here".
He told me he will call me back when he is alone.
I intend on telling him about how bad *Joe* is gettting. I want to tell him that I don't wish to have dirty hands in this. I want to let him know that he IS DOING many, many, pills, and that his little nights out, 'partying' with friends is not the same as it is for the others......... that he has a HUGE drug problem. I intend on telling him, that if *Joe* od's from takeing pills, drinking, and doing coke, that HE could know about this as well. I want him to know, that my well-off abf has been stalling on giving me my money towards the bills, and his business is in jeporady, becasue of his addiciton. I will tell him that I am not a wretched 'bit** 'who is being dramatic if I throw him out.... that it is because this is NOT my lifestlye, and I won't tolerate it anymore. I will tell him that if he truely cares about his best friend/business partner, he will take of his rose-colored glasses, and realize that he has BIG BIG friggin' problems.
I don't want to be silenced any longer.
I don't want to be looked at by his friends, that he can't watch the world series, without his girlfriend haveing a 'fit'. They don't see/or want to see, that this man is takeing up to 20 oxy's a day, then partying with THEM at night. MOST NORMAL non-addicted people, can stay out and have beers, and call it a night. On the other hand, an addict, taking 20 oxys a day, drinking, and NOW doing coke, will DIE.
I'm walking away, unless they have a better suggestion.
I'm putting it out there for others to try and understand/help, or just simply give me support /validation.
I've done all I can do. I'm done-with-it.
*Joe* called again this afternoon, and said he was 'done'.... quitting AGAIN. Whatever.
I believe that as much as I believe in Santa.
I hope I'm doing the right thing.
Love,
Cess
aka Miss Scarlett O'Hara
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 364
Hey Cessy - My guess is that his friends already know that there's a problem. However it's not their problem as they can just go home after a fun night of partying and not worry about it. YOU are the one who has to deal with it and YOU are the one who needs to decide what to do about it. They aren't going to have any better or different ideas. It sounds like his addiction is progressing and making things more unbearable for you.
I'm just not sure what you expect to get from telling his friends. If you haven't told anybody, I guess letting it out and not carrying the secret? Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do AND nothing THEY can do. Seems like you're still hoping someone can MAKE him change, if not you, then his friends?
Sounds like things are getting much worse. Sounds to me like he's becoming less "functional". So what did you decide on that new job anyway?
I'm just not sure what you expect to get from telling his friends. If you haven't told anybody, I guess letting it out and not carrying the secret? Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do AND nothing THEY can do. Seems like you're still hoping someone can MAKE him change, if not you, then his friends?
Sounds like things are getting much worse. Sounds to me like he's becoming less "functional". So what did you decide on that new job anyway?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
Ohhh Cess honey what a pickle....
Well I have to agree here with justtired and ask a question that was posed to myself today.
What is your motive in telling his friend?
Are you quietly hoping that the friend will be able to somehow talk some sense into your abf? In my opinion that is magical thinking. I am sure that on some level his friend "knows" what is happening as he has expressed concern. But its not up to him to change your abf nor is it up to you.
Another thing I would like to point out here is that this is another example of a codie trying to control the situation/addict. If your hoping as I said before that this is gonna change the situation then that is in essence a type of control.
I hear you grasping at straws. As if maybe you got some of his friends on your "side" you could all get him to change. This just isnt how it works. He has to want to change that before anything is gonna happen.
What really helped me was finally looking at ALL the ways I contributed directly to the addiction roller coaster and not staying in the "if he would only change things would be better" stage. Once I took those glasses off I could see that the more I talked the more I would get emotional the more I would try and convince him drugs were bad the more I would shut down emotional TO him the more I would try and pretend that his drug abuse didnt bother me THE FASTER AND CRAZIER the roller coaster ride would get.
I like to think in simple terms. Think about a teenager and their parent. The teen wants to hang out with a friend but the parent knows that the person does drugs or isnt a very good influence for the teen. The more the parent puts restrictions or tries to control the situation the more the teen acts out and does exactly the opposite of what the parent wants them to do.
This is a really good example of what we as codies do to the addict in our lives. You have heard it hear a thousand times all the examples of us codies thinking we can change the addict if we just did this or that.
I was there where you are today. I called friends and family thinking THEY would be able to talk some sense into him. Some did. Some actually called him up and told them their piece and ya know what the same thing happened with them that happened with me. NO CHANGE.
So really look at all the different ways you are trying to control the addict or the outcome.
Treading lightly here but you say alot that you are detaching and I have found that the more I detach the more peace I feel about any given situation. The more I detach the more logical and clear I can think. Are you really detaching? Because I think if you were you wouldnt still be in the mode of fixing or controlling. Detaching looks like letting go in love without anger and being in peace about it.
Well I have to agree here with justtired and ask a question that was posed to myself today.
What is your motive in telling his friend?
Are you quietly hoping that the friend will be able to somehow talk some sense into your abf? In my opinion that is magical thinking. I am sure that on some level his friend "knows" what is happening as he has expressed concern. But its not up to him to change your abf nor is it up to you.
Another thing I would like to point out here is that this is another example of a codie trying to control the situation/addict. If your hoping as I said before that this is gonna change the situation then that is in essence a type of control.
I hear you grasping at straws. As if maybe you got some of his friends on your "side" you could all get him to change. This just isnt how it works. He has to want to change that before anything is gonna happen.
What really helped me was finally looking at ALL the ways I contributed directly to the addiction roller coaster and not staying in the "if he would only change things would be better" stage. Once I took those glasses off I could see that the more I talked the more I would get emotional the more I would try and convince him drugs were bad the more I would shut down emotional TO him the more I would try and pretend that his drug abuse didnt bother me THE FASTER AND CRAZIER the roller coaster ride would get.
I like to think in simple terms. Think about a teenager and their parent. The teen wants to hang out with a friend but the parent knows that the person does drugs or isnt a very good influence for the teen. The more the parent puts restrictions or tries to control the situation the more the teen acts out and does exactly the opposite of what the parent wants them to do.
This is a really good example of what we as codies do to the addict in our lives. You have heard it hear a thousand times all the examples of us codies thinking we can change the addict if we just did this or that.
I was there where you are today. I called friends and family thinking THEY would be able to talk some sense into him. Some did. Some actually called him up and told them their piece and ya know what the same thing happened with them that happened with me. NO CHANGE.
So really look at all the different ways you are trying to control the addict or the outcome.
Treading lightly here but you say alot that you are detaching and I have found that the more I detach the more peace I feel about any given situation. The more I detach the more logical and clear I can think. Are you really detaching? Because I think if you were you wouldnt still be in the mode of fixing or controlling. Detaching looks like letting go in love without anger and being in peace about it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Originally Posted by outtolunch 
Um, so you are giving them the power to decide what's best for you?
No, I will ultimately do what is best for me. I knew going into the conversation with his friend that he wouldn't tell me 'what to do'... and he didn't.
He did find it surpriseing that *joe* is doing pills again. He said that he seems 'normal' when he sees him....
He also said he did not know how to approach *joe* , if I wanted my conversation to remain private, (between him and I).
He said that *Joe* needs to do this for himself, and it's not really going to matter what anyone says........
All things I already know.
I guess I feel that if *joe* dosen't have some huge change soon, that he will have to leave.
Perhaps I just wanted at least ONE person to 'understand' why *joe* has such a bi*** on his hands.........
I don't know why I felt I needed to tell someone, I guess I just worry that his 'rock bottom' will be death--- and if that happend, I could AT LEAST say, " I told you, I tried to tell people what was happening".....
Am I makeing any friggin sense?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
Originally Posted by cessy68
Perhaps I just wanted at least ONE person to 'understand' why *joe* has such a bi*** on his hands.........
I don't know why I felt I needed to tell someone, I guess I just worry that his 'rock bottom' will be death--- and if that happend, I could AT LEAST say, " I told you, I tried to tell people what was happening".....
Am I makeing any friggin sense?
I don't know why I felt I needed to tell someone, I guess I just worry that his 'rock bottom' will be death--- and if that happend, I could AT LEAST say, " I told you, I tried to tell people what was happening".....
Am I makeing any friggin sense?
But when we let our emotions control us we let our fears overwhelm us and then we start REACTING out of fear and that in turn starts the crazy making. Maybe this is also another example of how we just want another person to know that we did our best in trying to fix them but it just didnt work. Maybe your cycling towards the end of this cycle???
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Cess... yes, it makes sense. You are scared. You are so scared for him that you aren't seeing that you need to be scared and take care of you. You have such a good heart, hon. Please, see that it's time for Cessy to take care of Cessy.
Keep talking. You will work this through. Sounds like you are getting close to understanding what you need to do to keep you healthy and safe... I'm no expert, but I have lived with chaos and fear....
Keep talking. You will work this through. Sounds like you are getting close to understanding what you need to do to keep you healthy and safe... I'm no expert, but I have lived with chaos and fear....
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
You sound like your recovery is reaching a point where you can stand in your own truth, even if you stand alone. It's a good place to be.
Sure validation would be nice. Sure it would be great if his friends could make him change, but they can't and you already know that.
But when "enough" is "enough" you'll be able to walk with your head up, knowing what's right for you.
Sending big hugs because you sound like you could use a couple.
Sure validation would be nice. Sure it would be great if his friends could make him change, but they can't and you already know that.
But when "enough" is "enough" you'll be able to walk with your head up, knowing what's right for you.
Sending big hugs because you sound like you could use a couple.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
I too, sense something in you. You are finding the truth, your truth, and if you're anything like me, writing it is a tremendous way to process.
I don't hear controlling in the story about telling joe's friend; I hear that you are seeking support, and not just for yourself, because we feel SO alone in this, but for him and his future as well - perhaps in wishing for a "circle of advocates" for when joe's time is right.
I also did not hear you seeking advice from the friend, although your ears would have been open to it. It is so hard to know what the right thing to do is.
But, I also know that when we feel victimized, we want people to understand the hell we have been through, and to sympathize with us. We want to be validated as the wonderful people we know we are.
Keep processing, you're getting somewhere.
I don't hear controlling in the story about telling joe's friend; I hear that you are seeking support, and not just for yourself, because we feel SO alone in this, but for him and his future as well - perhaps in wishing for a "circle of advocates" for when joe's time is right.
I also did not hear you seeking advice from the friend, although your ears would have been open to it. It is so hard to know what the right thing to do is.
But, I also know that when we feel victimized, we want people to understand the hell we have been through, and to sympathize with us. We want to be validated as the wonderful people we know we are.
Keep processing, you're getting somewhere.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
It sounds like things are really going downhill for him. I know how hard it is to watch someone that you love spiral out of control. It is hard to believe that things would get that bad--but they do. I know you just want the situation to end, and you don't want anything bad to happen to him.
You sound like you are worried about what other people are thinking. I've been there, too. I know what it is like to seem like the serious one, and for people to probably think I'm a party pooper--or whatever. The thing is, it doesn't really matter what they think. If these are the people that he is going out with and partying, are they really going to get him to stop? Because, I know with my RABF, his party friends were only interested in continuing to party. They aren't going to stop the ride, because they are enjoying it themselves.
Wow, when I think about it, this brings back a lot of memories of my own actions. I tried so hard to control RABF and to try to know the truth of what he was really doing, etc. It caused me to spiral out of control right along side him.
You sound like you are worried about what other people are thinking. I've been there, too. I know what it is like to seem like the serious one, and for people to probably think I'm a party pooper--or whatever. The thing is, it doesn't really matter what they think. If these are the people that he is going out with and partying, are they really going to get him to stop? Because, I know with my RABF, his party friends were only interested in continuing to party. They aren't going to stop the ride, because they are enjoying it themselves.
Wow, when I think about it, this brings back a lot of memories of my own actions. I tried so hard to control RABF and to try to know the truth of what he was really doing, etc. It caused me to spiral out of control right along side him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Hi guys, thank you for the support-- and yes writing it out does help me a lot... (as a matter of fact, I just finished a plus vs. minus list regarding that job I was telling you about last week... decision time. (thank you laurie for continuing to remind me to do those lists....)
Back to this thread, I want to respond to the last few posters, (ANN, IMALRIGHT,BLUE, COFFEE), you are all correct. I am finally finding my own truth.
When I spoke to *Joes* friend, I didn't 'ask' him anything about *Joe*. (he was one of the ones out w/him last night). Frankly, I didn't even ask *Joe*. It is really irrelavant to me at this point, where he goes, what he does, why he does it, or if I can stop/prevent/ it, etc.
The point I got to recently, (most clear as a bell last night), was I'm not 'protecting' *Joe* anymore, at the risk of my reputation. Sometimes I feel that I DO care about what people think, and although it shouldn't matter, I felt strongly that at least his best friend, (someone I even trust) could hear my silent pain.
I walked around the past 2years, looking like the pretty girl that keeps *joe* in bed in the a.m... (his best friend is also in business w/*Joe). Others have made comments about our relationship, and have said things like, "he's always late for work, probably messing around with his girlfriend", or "he can't go out as much, or she'll be bi******", or "dosen't she ever iron his pants? His ex-wife used to make sure his clothes were in perfect shape for him", "she just throws him out when she dosen't get 'her way' because SHE owns the house"......
I'm sick of it all, And I'm sick of the judgements that have been put on ME, due to my keeping *joes* illness silent. They don't know, of the creepy codie pattern I fell party to, in a loving attempt to 'help' *Joe*. They don't know the amount of tears, what my boys went through (never hearing argueing in a home prior to *Joes* issues). They don't know about *joes* pleas for 'help' from me, and how I didn't know enough to tell him to 'do it on his own'. They know *joe* makes a lot of money, and the DON'T know, how I have to beg for his portion of our bills, because he has very little left, what he makes pays for his ex, the pills, his business, then the scraps are for me. Finally, like I said before, this friend of his approached me once before, and talked to *joe* on his own accord. He had asked me at that point, why I didn't tell him.... Well, at that point it was the time *joe* managed to get off the pills for 2 weeks......since then the friend assumed *joe* was o.k.
Funny, my only motivation here was to get it off MY chest. To somehow protect my 'face' should anything happen to *Joe*. Although I don't think the best friend can do anything either, at least he knows..... I won't look like the one who protected *joe* , only to have it blow up in my face if he died from an OD. If anyone here dosen't see how REAL and possible it is --- that doing THREE, yes THREE substances at once couldn't cause death... than I don't know. He's the one spiraling downhill, and I'm running for the hills.
*Joes* addiction will NO LONGER kill my spirit. *Joes* addiction will NO LONGER shut me up. *Joes addiction will NO LONGER cause me to feel guilt, shame, rejection, or powerlessness.
I am ME. I am not an extension of *Joe*.... the good, bad, or the ugly.
I needed to verbalize this to at least one person in *Joes* life, to come to terms with what I will most likely end up doing. Which is saying goodbye to a man I loved dearly for almost 5 years now. It's so sad to me that writing this post, using *joe* as his alias, almost feels real.... because he literally is not the same person I knew before addiciton hit our lives two years ago.
Thank you all for you hugs, love, and support.
Love,
Cess
Back to this thread, I want to respond to the last few posters, (ANN, IMALRIGHT,BLUE, COFFEE), you are all correct. I am finally finding my own truth.
When I spoke to *Joes* friend, I didn't 'ask' him anything about *Joe*. (he was one of the ones out w/him last night). Frankly, I didn't even ask *Joe*. It is really irrelavant to me at this point, where he goes, what he does, why he does it, or if I can stop/prevent/ it, etc.
The point I got to recently, (most clear as a bell last night), was I'm not 'protecting' *Joe* anymore, at the risk of my reputation. Sometimes I feel that I DO care about what people think, and although it shouldn't matter, I felt strongly that at least his best friend, (someone I even trust) could hear my silent pain.
I walked around the past 2years, looking like the pretty girl that keeps *joe* in bed in the a.m... (his best friend is also in business w/*Joe). Others have made comments about our relationship, and have said things like, "he's always late for work, probably messing around with his girlfriend", or "he can't go out as much, or she'll be bi******", or "dosen't she ever iron his pants? His ex-wife used to make sure his clothes were in perfect shape for him", "she just throws him out when she dosen't get 'her way' because SHE owns the house"......
I'm sick of it all, And I'm sick of the judgements that have been put on ME, due to my keeping *joes* illness silent. They don't know, of the creepy codie pattern I fell party to, in a loving attempt to 'help' *Joe*. They don't know the amount of tears, what my boys went through (never hearing argueing in a home prior to *Joes* issues). They don't know about *joes* pleas for 'help' from me, and how I didn't know enough to tell him to 'do it on his own'. They know *joe* makes a lot of money, and the DON'T know, how I have to beg for his portion of our bills, because he has very little left, what he makes pays for his ex, the pills, his business, then the scraps are for me. Finally, like I said before, this friend of his approached me once before, and talked to *joe* on his own accord. He had asked me at that point, why I didn't tell him.... Well, at that point it was the time *joe* managed to get off the pills for 2 weeks......since then the friend assumed *joe* was o.k.
Funny, my only motivation here was to get it off MY chest. To somehow protect my 'face' should anything happen to *Joe*. Although I don't think the best friend can do anything either, at least he knows..... I won't look like the one who protected *joe* , only to have it blow up in my face if he died from an OD. If anyone here dosen't see how REAL and possible it is --- that doing THREE, yes THREE substances at once couldn't cause death... than I don't know. He's the one spiraling downhill, and I'm running for the hills.
*Joes* addiction will NO LONGER kill my spirit. *Joes* addiction will NO LONGER shut me up. *Joes addiction will NO LONGER cause me to feel guilt, shame, rejection, or powerlessness.
I am ME. I am not an extension of *Joe*.... the good, bad, or the ugly.
I needed to verbalize this to at least one person in *Joes* life, to come to terms with what I will most likely end up doing. Which is saying goodbye to a man I loved dearly for almost 5 years now. It's so sad to me that writing this post, using *joe* as his alias, almost feels real.... because he literally is not the same person I knew before addiciton hit our lives two years ago.
Thank you all for you hugs, love, and support.
Love,
Cess
learning to live for me
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: East Coast, US
Posts: 215
Cess,
I totally understand where you're coming from. A lot of people thought I was behind my ex-fiancee's effed up behavior when in fact I hadn't seen him in days. It was really important to me that atleast SOME people knew that it wasn't me, it was totally him, using drugs. Does it really change anything? Probably not, but I think its important. You needed to get that off your chest. You needed to open your mouth and say SOMETHING because addiction keeps us from doing that. When we love someone who's addicted, its like someone sews our mouth shut. This is what I understand from reading your posts, so forgive me if I've made any wrong assumptions.
I just want to let you know that I'm thinking of you and love you. I can SO relate to you and I'm proud of you.
Keep writing, beautiful, and enjoy your Wednesday. <3
-Hol
I totally understand where you're coming from. A lot of people thought I was behind my ex-fiancee's effed up behavior when in fact I hadn't seen him in days. It was really important to me that atleast SOME people knew that it wasn't me, it was totally him, using drugs. Does it really change anything? Probably not, but I think its important. You needed to get that off your chest. You needed to open your mouth and say SOMETHING because addiction keeps us from doing that. When we love someone who's addicted, its like someone sews our mouth shut. This is what I understand from reading your posts, so forgive me if I've made any wrong assumptions.
I just want to let you know that I'm thinking of you and love you. I can SO relate to you and I'm proud of you.
Keep writing, beautiful, and enjoy your Wednesday. <3
-Hol
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Keep getting it out. IMO, The more you say it out loud, write it, etc. the stronger you become. It's moving into the light... standing in your truth... whatever you want to call it... but sometimes you have to say things over and over to get them to sink in. Also, once you put it out there, it's scarey but there is no going back. For me it was such a relief to finally let others know what the truth was about my life. Embarrassing some, but so big in terms of me being able to deal with the real problems. Hang in.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Ohio
Posts: 267
Cessy,
I wanted to respond to this when I first read it but didnt have the time. Now reading the responses I am glad I waited.
I too did the tattle tale thing with AH. I went to his grown daughter and one of his brothers. All that came of it was that it seems that his family now thinks I am crazy. I went to them hoping for help in making him realize what a big fire he was playing with... and yes I really did hope that with their support that it might help make him see the danger. Later it started getting back to me that I was crazy to think that and so paranoid about these pain pills that no wonder he has to hide taking them from me and that I am hard hearted with no understanding of how he needs a pain pill every now & then.... then the scenario's I played in my head were different... I imagined the 'told you so' situations. Where they are faced with the reality of his addiction and I get to point out that I wanted their help way back when. In all of these scenario's I had already left. I think in part, my telling on him was because I see the end result being that he wont quit and I will eventually leave (once I am financially able) and I am worried that I will be the bad guy in this when it happens and I wanted to be able to point out that I told them of the problem back then. I want to think that at some point they will admit that I wasnt crazy.
I wanted to respond to this when I first read it but didnt have the time. Now reading the responses I am glad I waited.
I too did the tattle tale thing with AH. I went to his grown daughter and one of his brothers. All that came of it was that it seems that his family now thinks I am crazy. I went to them hoping for help in making him realize what a big fire he was playing with... and yes I really did hope that with their support that it might help make him see the danger. Later it started getting back to me that I was crazy to think that and so paranoid about these pain pills that no wonder he has to hide taking them from me and that I am hard hearted with no understanding of how he needs a pain pill every now & then.... then the scenario's I played in my head were different... I imagined the 'told you so' situations. Where they are faced with the reality of his addiction and I get to point out that I wanted their help way back when. In all of these scenario's I had already left. I think in part, my telling on him was because I see the end result being that he wont quit and I will eventually leave (once I am financially able) and I am worried that I will be the bad guy in this when it happens and I wanted to be able to point out that I told them of the problem back then. I want to think that at some point they will admit that I wasnt crazy.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Wishin' I was on the Beach!
Posts: 1,415
((((HUGS))) Cessy. I hear the strength coming through in your posts as you come to terms with the possibility of kicking him out for good and hoping he doesn't OD first.
You are doing whats best for YOU!! Stay strong.
Carrying around the "secret" was something I did for so long... trying to look like a "normal" family. Once you let others (select close family and friends) know, they can be a good source of support when you need it.
I agree, keep posting, and getting it out. In doing this, you will figure out the next steps to take that are right for YOU!
You are doing whats best for YOU!! Stay strong.
Carrying around the "secret" was something I did for so long... trying to look like a "normal" family. Once you let others (select close family and friends) know, they can be a good source of support when you need it.
I agree, keep posting, and getting it out. In doing this, you will figure out the next steps to take that are right for YOU!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Kansas
Posts: 190
Originally Posted by cessy68
I don't know why I felt I needed to tell someone, I guess I just worry that his 'rock bottom' will be death--- and if that happend, I could AT LEAST say, " I told you, I tried to tell people what was happening".....
I can relate to all you are saying. I have experienced many of the same feelings and thoughts as you. It takes a lot of effort on my part to surrender my control of my RAH.
What you said above really struck me though. My H has 10 brothers and sisters and I can remember telling some of them (the ones I didn't tell had their own drug and alcohol problems) hoping that they would step in and help him, or at the very least, help ME fix him. Of course they didn't, in fact some of them wanted nothing to do with it. (Their dad was an alcoholic and I just figured they are so in denial). Anyway, the point I'm getting to here is that I was so angry with them for not helping him/me and I couldn't understand why they wouldn't.
I knew eventually that my AH was gonna die from his addiction. (this has not happened). I used to think about how I was gonna do his funeral, that I'd be so frickin angry at him, but I would also be angry at his family for not helping me/him. I had planned over and over in my head just what I would say to them at his funeral. The "i told you guys and you didn't do anything, now don't you feel bad?" That somehow, if I told them, and he died it wasn't only my fault, it would be theirs too. What I realize now is that if he dies, it is his fault, not anyone else. I am glad that I have figured this out because it relieves me of the guilt, guilt I'd would have carried for a lifetime.
I am learning through recovery (slowly learning), that I cannot control him, and that I cannot blame his siblings for not helping. There is NOTHING me or any of them can do. He has to find his own way, and I just need to get out of his way.
I hope this helps in some way. My suggestion would be work on you, and let go of him.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: AZ
Posts: 19
Cess
You write such good advice to me. I'm sorry I can't offer much in return, except maybe to remind you to look at what you write to others. You "know" what to do. Like you told me, you have to put yourself and your children FIRST. And whatever you have to do, you have to do. Stressing about talking to his friend really isn't conducive to anything is it?
I, too, always feared telling people about Abf's addiction. All that has done is isolate me even further. When I did finally start to admit to others, it turns out that most of them knew or suspected something already. I was always the person who didn't give a hoot about what others said or thought about me. But, with this addiction I kept it to myself. Didn't want to ruin his reputation, jeopordize his job, have people think badly about ME, etc, etc. Turns out, he was already ruining & jeopardizing them all on his own. And now I wonder if I had started talking earlier, could I have found out sooner and perhaps been able to start taking precautions for me & the kids earlier? I'll never know the answer to that, but I do know that I will no longer hide this. I'm not going to post an ad or anything, but, now, when asked - I will be strong enough to say that Yes, he has a problem. And, yes, I am taking care of me & my girls.
Don't worry about *joe* right now because *joe* isn't worried about you. You've got a decision to make about a job. That sounds exciting! Focus on that - make it fun. This is YOUR life. Your future. Your happiness. It should be everything you want it to be.
JadedOne
You write such good advice to me. I'm sorry I can't offer much in return, except maybe to remind you to look at what you write to others. You "know" what to do. Like you told me, you have to put yourself and your children FIRST. And whatever you have to do, you have to do. Stressing about talking to his friend really isn't conducive to anything is it?
I, too, always feared telling people about Abf's addiction. All that has done is isolate me even further. When I did finally start to admit to others, it turns out that most of them knew or suspected something already. I was always the person who didn't give a hoot about what others said or thought about me. But, with this addiction I kept it to myself. Didn't want to ruin his reputation, jeopordize his job, have people think badly about ME, etc, etc. Turns out, he was already ruining & jeopardizing them all on his own. And now I wonder if I had started talking earlier, could I have found out sooner and perhaps been able to start taking precautions for me & the kids earlier? I'll never know the answer to that, but I do know that I will no longer hide this. I'm not going to post an ad or anything, but, now, when asked - I will be strong enough to say that Yes, he has a problem. And, yes, I am taking care of me & my girls.
Don't worry about *joe* right now because *joe* isn't worried about you. You've got a decision to make about a job. That sounds exciting! Focus on that - make it fun. This is YOUR life. Your future. Your happiness. It should be everything you want it to be.
JadedOne
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Ohio
Posts: 267
To Wuzzled:
I knew eventually that my AH was gonna die from his addiction. (this has not happened). I used to think about how I was gonna do his funeral, that I'd be so frickin angry at him, but I would also be angry at his family for not helping me/him. I had planned over and over in my head just what I would say to them at his funeral. The "i told you guys and you didn't do anything, now don't you feel bad?"
That somehow, if I told them, and he died it wasn't only my fault, it would be theirs too.
What I realize now is that if he dies, it is his fault, not anyone else. I am glad that I have figured this out because it relieves me of the guilt, guilt I'd would have carried for a lifetime.
Maybe I havent let myself think this will end in his death or maybe I am fooling myself just as much as him by thinking he has this under control at least enough not to die from it. I always see the worst case scenario as him loosing his job, home... money problems and of course loosing me and the kids. I guess because I cant imagine him getting to the point of snorting oxys or shooting heroine. I just picture him swallowing more and more pills as he gets older. He aint no spring chicken now. Maybe that is part of why I think that... I connect that kind of addict behavior with people who have been using drugs since they were young or still are young. I even get fooled sometimes thinking he isnt a druggie like that... he is just a guy with back troubles who fooled around and got hooked on his meds. Even with that difference, what you said hit my nail right on the head. If our marriage falls apart and he ends up without a pot to **** in it wont be my fault... it will be his and partly 'theirs' for not believing me.
Do I recognize that as a codie attempt control? That I want to make sure that no one can blame me? Yeah, I see it. I think that the fact that I see it is progress. Not as much as not caring if anyone blames me, him or the weather for all this. Do I think I will eventually get to the point where I dont care about all that? Yes I do... I have faith that I will come out on the other side stronger and accepting.
I knew eventually that my AH was gonna die from his addiction. (this has not happened). I used to think about how I was gonna do his funeral, that I'd be so frickin angry at him, but I would also be angry at his family for not helping me/him. I had planned over and over in my head just what I would say to them at his funeral. The "i told you guys and you didn't do anything, now don't you feel bad?"
That somehow, if I told them, and he died it wasn't only my fault, it would be theirs too.
What I realize now is that if he dies, it is his fault, not anyone else. I am glad that I have figured this out because it relieves me of the guilt, guilt I'd would have carried for a lifetime.
Maybe I havent let myself think this will end in his death or maybe I am fooling myself just as much as him by thinking he has this under control at least enough not to die from it. I always see the worst case scenario as him loosing his job, home... money problems and of course loosing me and the kids. I guess because I cant imagine him getting to the point of snorting oxys or shooting heroine. I just picture him swallowing more and more pills as he gets older. He aint no spring chicken now. Maybe that is part of why I think that... I connect that kind of addict behavior with people who have been using drugs since they were young or still are young. I even get fooled sometimes thinking he isnt a druggie like that... he is just a guy with back troubles who fooled around and got hooked on his meds. Even with that difference, what you said hit my nail right on the head. If our marriage falls apart and he ends up without a pot to **** in it wont be my fault... it will be his and partly 'theirs' for not believing me.
Do I recognize that as a codie attempt control? That I want to make sure that no one can blame me? Yeah, I see it. I think that the fact that I see it is progress. Not as much as not caring if anyone blames me, him or the weather for all this. Do I think I will eventually get to the point where I dont care about all that? Yes I do... I have faith that I will come out on the other side stronger and accepting.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
I have found that it doesn't matter who I tell or how ashamed they my be over who and what I tell that I will end up being the bad guy.
I have had so much back lash from the addicts in my life over my trying to make them seek help. The only thing that works is if they experience enough pain to want to change and many of them have very low bottoms. What looks like the gutter to us might just look like Mt Everest to them...
I have had so much back lash from the addicts in my life over my trying to make them seek help. The only thing that works is if they experience enough pain to want to change and many of them have very low bottoms. What looks like the gutter to us might just look like Mt Everest to them...
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i think i understand where you are coming from too. my ah would blame his every action on me to everyone. i was the crazy evil woman that caused him so much trouble and in the past, i found myself trying to convince others that i was not the person he claimed me to be but that it was his way of covering for himself. i was his scape goat.
me trying to clear my name and to explain me to others, was useless. i decided to let that go too because people or gonna believe what they want to believe until they find out differently. you can't hide addiction or the behavior that goes with it for long, sooner or later, what goes on in the dark will come to light. in time, his friends and family will know anyway, whether you tell them or not.
i understand you wanting it to be sooner, but still there is nothing they can do if he's bent on getting high. sometimes when you let the cat out the bag, it has a tendancy to run wild. sometimes addiction seems to progress even faster when the addict get past hiding it. jmo
me trying to clear my name and to explain me to others, was useless. i decided to let that go too because people or gonna believe what they want to believe until they find out differently. you can't hide addiction or the behavior that goes with it for long, sooner or later, what goes on in the dark will come to light. in time, his friends and family will know anyway, whether you tell them or not.
i understand you wanting it to be sooner, but still there is nothing they can do if he's bent on getting high. sometimes when you let the cat out the bag, it has a tendancy to run wild. sometimes addiction seems to progress even faster when the addict get past hiding it. jmo
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