Kjell

I was six week sober and thought I was on my way.

On Saturday night I decided I would drink at home and no one would know. The problem is I woke from a blackout with my airbag off. I was driving and hit another car.

I don't know what I was doing, where I was going, or what my thought process was. Total blackout for most of the evening.

I take full responsability, but I'm scared to death. This is my 2nd dui and 2nd car crash in about a year. I can't beleive I still have this in me. I honestly thought I was over the risk of drinking and driving.

I'm truly baffeled as to what happened - how I could do that again. How has it come to this?

I'm in serious trouble and not only frightened as to what's going to happen to me, but terrified of what I've become.

I will continue to go to AA and work the steps and using SR. It's certainly not AA's fault, it's mine. Looking back, I was acting funny, being dishonest about a few things DAYS BEFORE Sat, and I didn't tell on myself as soon as I started having "those" thoughts.

Anyone have any advice (besides the don't drink and drive)? I despertatly need help. I could have killed someone. I could have killed myself. I know I cannot drink again (knew this before Sat night). I don't want to be this person anymore.

Sorry if there are any mis-spellings.

Thanks,
Kjell

Horselover

Kjell - What have you done so far for your recovery? Have you done AA solely or were your in a treatment program? I would suggest doing the 40 meetings in 40 days and doing whatever is necessary to build up your recovery program. You need to just concentrate on recovery in my opinion.

You didn't kill anyone thank God. You can't change yesterday, but you MUST work on today and make sure you are putting your recovery first. Everything else will fall into place after that.

caleb76

I don't know what to say but I feel terrible for you. Myself, I think I would go to more AA meetings and talk to a psychiatrist. Fight the battle on more than one front. Immerse yourself in people and things that don't involve drinking.

Alcohol can put people in very scary situations. It can be like another person comes out and makes you do stuff you don't want to do.

A doctor will try to help you. I know my psychiatrist helps me.

You could even talk to them about something like Campral. Just throwing some ideas out there for you!

Sorry to hear of your troubles.

NewMe11109

Kjell -

I am sorry. You are right that we often will relapse in our mind long before we relapse by physically taking a drink. I am also glad that no one was hurt.

I'm not necessarily giving good legal advice, but perhaps it is best to leave this one up to your higher power. What is going to happen is going to happen. You can't change the past and now need to focus on your recovery and moving forward. The 9th step would say that you should make amends and take responsibility for what has happened.

Please see this as a real wake-up call. Your sobriety has to be your #1 priority.

My thoughts are with you. I am again so sorry.

Jomey

Hi Kjell - I haven't been around SR much since spring, so I don't know your whole story, but the first thought that came into my head - other than thank God you weren't killed and didn't kill anyone else - is inpatient treatment. Is it a possibility? You need to go down every path possible to make sure you never do this again. EVERY POSSIBLE PATH. Time to stop the madness...you already know that, so you have to try something you've never tried before. You may need to be somewhere (like rehab) where there is no possibility of driving or drinking for a while. Beats a grave, right? AT ALL COSTS, get better.

Jomey

bananagrrrl

I am really sorry to hear this. I am glad you are okay and did not hurt anyone. How very scary.

I would take the advice of others here on working on your recovery on the AA front as well as with some medical assistance. How about out patient rehab if inpatient is not an option?

I see a shrink and it is very helpful.

Then I would call a lawyer ASAP.

Dime

I don't know exactly what you are doing in terms of AA but I can tell you what worked for me. I immediately got a Sponsor and began to call him daily. I attended at least one AA meeting per day. I made sure I was attending newcomer meetings, 12 step study meetings and Big Book study meetings as well as general meetings. My Sponsor had me engage the steps immediately. He made suggestions on what I should do to stay sober and I incorporated all his suggestions. I came early and stayed late at meetings to meet other sober people. I complete the steps and I now help others.

For me personally I needed to do all these things to stay sober. Attending meetings alone would not have kept me sober.

Mark75

I am with Jomey on this... Rehab...

Maybe you could do it without, but now you have to go to any length... not just to get sober, yea that, but to protect yourself, and more importantly, others. Also, you've got some serious legal issues on the horizon. It'll be the only solid, documentable proof that you are working on recovery and sobriety.

Good luck with all of this, prayers to you...

Mark

smacked

Just going to throw in my 'inpatient rehab' vote.. as SOON as possible (like today).

mariechi

A drug/alchohol rehab and counselor might help a lot. I haven't done AA, but my group and my counselor are VERY helpful. I don't know about Georgia, but in Texas that kind of help is available for DWI convictions (forgive the terminology). Ask your lawyer :praying

thirtybubba

Kjell,

That's how I got my DUI, a month and a bit sober, and then one day of drinking... I ended up lost again for a year. The guilt and the confusion and why did I drink... I don't recommend it.

From the sounds of your post, I'd suggest rehab too... might could give you some tools to actually live in sobriety, which turns out to be the hard part, instead of just not drinking...



-TB

Dee74

Lots of good advice here kjell...please take it.
Do something...today.

D

Kjell

I just got some #'s for a rehab clinic.

I spoke to my lawyer this morning.

My sponsor knows as I called him yesterday. Most family/friends know and those that don't I will tell over the next few days.

Recovery is my #1 priority, but along with that my job is darn close. It's not that I have a great career going on (lost that about a year and a half ago), but I need income or my problems will only get worse.

I think if I'm able to do an outpatient program and still go to work, that would be best. I, of course, may very well have totalled my car, so that, along with what seems like millions of other problems are on my horizon and will present challenges.

I also hope this post helps anyone who reads it.

Thank you for all your comments and advice.
Kjell

sailorjohn

Have had quite a few people tell me at the tables that they absolutely needed 90 day inpatient rehab, just to let the fog lift.

If you keep doing what you're doing, money will be the least of your worries.

Good luck.

flutter

Wow kjell, I'm glad you're ok... for now.

As for the work thing.. I know first hand about considering inpatient treatment and having a job you don't want to lose. Working w/ my EAP and my HR person at work really helped, they would have let me go on short term disability for ANY help I might have needed. As my boss said, "your health is much more important than your job", but that they would be here for me when I returned.

I ended up going the IOP route, because that's what was ultimatley recommended.. but don't be afraid of getting the help you REALLY need.

Dean62

Don't drink and drive is good advice.....until you drink. Then all bets are off especially if you are blackout drinking. They took away my license for 3 years so I sold my car and started taking the but. That's the longest amount of time I have ever gone with drinking and driving. You mention you thought you were over the risk of drinking and driving but for some of us the risk will always be there unless we stop doing one of the two and you know which one is preferable to stop.

I'm also familiar with the thought "no one would know". That is not only a lie it really isn't the point of sobriety lol. I hear you though, I used to have that one all the time. That thought comes before drinking and bad news. They say call someone before you drink but it's hard to stop once you are that point, IMHO I have already relapsed the only thing left is to insert the booze.

I like your attitude knowing AA wasn't the problem. I don't think any form of recovery is going to save us and keep us sober on it's own, we have to do our part. 6 weeks is great so you have something positive to build on. Take what you have learned and add to it until the pieces fit together for you.

Hevyn

Kjell, my heart goes out to you. I did the same thing towards the end of my drinking careeer. I crashed & burned at an alarming rate, all in a year's time. In the end, I had 3 DUI's & even did 8 days in jail. I have no idea what I was thinking, what could possibly have been going on in my head to allow me to behave that way. That's why I had to make the decision to never pick it up again. I could no longer predict what would happen once I touched the stuff. It took me awhile to actually stop, but I never drove drunk again - I was terrified.

As part of my punishment I had to take classes to deter me from drinking & driving. Most people in the class were smirking & making jokes all through the sessions. They were only there to get their licenses back - not to quit drinking. One night they showed us a film. It was news footage of a horrific interstate crash that killed a family of 5.I'll spare you the details. After they told about the family that had been destroyed, they went to the jail and interviewed the driver of the car that caused it - a very mild mannered middle-aged woman, who seemed very much like me. She had taken out a family, in a blackout as a result of getting drunk at a wedding reception. She was going to be in jail for 25 yrs. When she came out she would be 60. Her children would be grown, her husband remarried. After the film I looked around the table - some were crying, some looked stunned. No was smirking or cracking jokes this time. It could've been any one of us in that jail with our life shattered, our guilt and remorse unbearable.

Kjell you are reaching the best possible conclusion for yourself and others - you already know you can't go on like this - some never get it. Maybe you just needed that final proof. You have received some great advice & encouragement - and I would like to add mine. Here's hoping you will take the steps that will lead you to a beautiful new life.

Gypsy Feet

You just have my sympathies, and best wishes. I remember waking up from my last black out and finding out what I had done. I remember the disbelief and horror that I could and had done things totally against my best judgment, things I would have bet you 12 hours earlier I would never do.

I am just over 10 months sober. Some days, the only thing that keeps me sober is the fear of having my will taken away. I like to tell people I don't drink because I don't want to eat dog poop on video camera for five dollars, because who knows right?

Anna

I am sorry you are going through this. I also had blackouts sometimes when I drank, and it was absolutely terrifying.

Do whatever you have to do to get and to stay sober.

I wish you well!

Mark75

Hey Kjell

What did the lawyer think about inpatient v. outpatient treatment?

Mark