wanting

I need some good honest advice on how to handle custody issues.

AH is currently dry, but not in any type of program. He has had 4 relapses since quitting last April, and claims that he is now sober and happy. The person that he had an affair with is now moving across the country to be with him, after I finally had enough of him.

I feel that my children will be scarred by being around her, because she was a family friend and they know she is (1/2) the reason that their dad left. I do feel really resentful personally about the idea, but I want to do what is best for my kids. AH's family thinks that the kids should not be around her. My friends and family think they should not be around her.

I have a really good case for requiring supervised visits (based on other issues), but I don't actually want to go this route. I would rather he agree to a parenting plan that says she can't be around the kids. I don't think he would agree to this without the muscle of the supervised visitation possibility.

But, even though I think the kids will be traumatized by being around her, I realize that for the rest of his life, he will probably choose partners that are not stellar influences. So I feel that the effort involved would not really be worth it. But I also feel like by not putting in the effort, I'm throwing my kids to the wolves. Like I'm knowingly putting them in harm's way, although not physical harm, but emotional harm. I feel like they're bound to be emotionally harmed with him as their father anyway, but that this is one situation I could prevent. I just don't know what to do.

I don't want to make any decisions based on my own resentments or the advice of people who are angry. So what do you think?

LaTeeDa

I think much depends on how old your children are and how they feel about it. I know I often project my emotions on my children. I have learned that I am usually more disappointed/scared/hurt/angry or whatever at their father than they are. And when I project my feelings on them, it makes the situation worse.

"Traumatized" is a pretty severe word. What is it exactly that you fear will happen to them if they are around this person? Maybe if you can look at your fears realistically, you can find ways to address them without awfulizing the situation.

L

nodaybut2day

All my questions and a good deal of my concerns were quieted when I paid to see a lawyer. I saw someone who specialized in cases of domestic abuse and alcoholism. To her, my story was a dime a dozen, and she knew just what my worries were. The consult was 120$ for 2 hours, and it's the best money I've spent so far.

If you are separating from your AH, a similar kind of consult (there are also free phone consults) might be useful in settling your mind with regard to custody and visitation.

You may not like the supervised visitation route, but it may be necessary for a while. I don't know if the laws are similar where you live, but I was told that here, in Québec, visitation can always change depending on a change of situation. So you might start out with supervised visitation and then gradually move towards unsupervised and then perhaps later, equal shared custody.

If you're concerned, I'd go with that. A legal consult doesn't mean you're taking action right away; you're just getting info.

Bernadette

If I am traumatized by being around my exH's new wife or if I am traumatized by my children being around my ExH's new wife then they will be traumatized! If not by their actual experience, which would be hard for me to honestly evaluate if I am also freaked out, then they will be traumatized by my trauma.

If I am OK with it - or at last detached and mature enough to admit to my kids that, while it troubles me and I am concerned, it is what it is and we can handle it, then it's true: we can handle it.

If I am already upset by a situation my kids are more likely to not want to upset Mom and will keep their fears/complaints/concerns to themselves. If I am maintaining an open stance and a non-judgemental attitude then we are able to discuss difficult issues. It has definitely worked to my advantage to befriend my exH's new wife and my sons step-sister.

Only you know your situation and how you can support your kids for maximum mental health and growth. I agree w/ idiot-- you may feel better after speaking to a lawyer and finding out what your actual rights are.

Good luck-
b

Cowgirl1265

I think you are transferring your feelings and expectations about this person onto your children.

If she is going to be a part of their father's life, and if she is not a danger to them physically or otherwise, how would it traumatize them to see her? Children do not have a grasp on the complexities of adult relationships -- if they think that the reason their dad left is because of her, then that is because of what they are being told. In all fairness, another person could not make him leave the relationship anymore than you could make him stay. He left because of his alcoholism, because of his own bad choices. How can she bear the blame for his leaving if we understand that people can't control one anothers? That we are powerless over other people and circumstances? If you accept this is true for you, then it must be true for her as well.

I think it might help to think about your own resentments toward her and come to grip with them. If your stbx or his girlfriend are a danger to your kids, then by all means they need protecting.

It is hard in separations to both maintain our own dignity and compassion and to allow others theirs.

One other thought...based on what you've gone through with him, she might be more deserving of your sympathy than your resentments. I suspect she's in for a rude awakening once the newness wears off and she realizes she has become his enabler.

wanting

I really am trying to separate my resentments from my concern for my children. My children know about the situation because she was my friend and employee, and STBX took them to hang out with her a lot when I thought they were "just friends." It was actually my 3yo who asked me if the person was Daddy's girlfriend, before I ever found out they were having an affair. I said no, and she asked me why they talk on the phone so much. That's when I looked at our phone records and figured it out. My 10yo is more like a 13yo, maturity-wise. She is very upset and blames the girl - she doesn't want to blame her dad, and I don't feel comfortable telling her that he's the one to blame. Both daughters love their dad to pieces.

Cowgirl, I do not and will never feel sorry for her. She was my friend, and had an affair with my husband. I confided in her about all of our problems and she used what I told her to her own advantage. I don't know if I'll ever be a big enough person to not laugh my ass off when she "discovers" what kind of person he really is.

I do like the advice about detaching, so that my resentments aren't felt by my children. Maybe if I throw out the vibe that this is all fine and good, they will feel fine and good around her eventually. The easiest route to go for me would be to do nothing about the kids seeing her, but I can't help but feel guilty about sending them to that situation. There is no physical danger, and his relapses have all been on days that he hasn't had the kids. I don't feel like alcohol is an immediate danger, but then again, I was here a few months ago saying that he wouldn't relapse or cheat on me, so what the heck do I know?

One thing weighing on me is that I have to file my response in the next week or so. I really need to make a decision pretty quickly. I think the decision will be to not involve the girl in the custody order at all, but I am not entirely sure yet.

Bernadette

She is very upset and blames the girl - she doesn't want to blame her dad, and I don't feel comfortable telling her that he's the one to blame

Yeah, I agree, I think you should discourage the concept of "blame" about the end of her parents marriage.

Children are uncomfortable and stressed internally with shifting alliances - it confuses them and upsets them. I always tried to take the position with my kids that "these things happen, and Dad and I simply couldn't work it out, we couldn't stay married. It has nothing to do with you kids - it's big 'ol complicated adult stuff, adult problems. Just know that we both love you and you can always come talk to me when you feel blue about this or upset."

For my own mental health (and in order to be able to get out of bed in the morning!!!OY!!) I took the stance that, hey, this sucks and it is painful , but it is NOT the worst thing that could happen in our lives - we still have each other and so much love and so much fun living to do! I mean I didn't ever try to diminish their suffering but for myself, in my own mind I kept a thought a girlfriend said to me and it helped me keep my chin up in those first dark months -- "It's divorce, not cancer!"

Bleh! The decisions and situations you are facing are complicated..try not to paint yourself into a corner -- make the arrangements that work best for you and kiddies and hopefully leave enough legal room in there that they can be altered if the conditions change....

peace-
b

LaTeeDa

I have come to recognize blame as a useless and counterproductive thing. I know it is natural to want to blame someone or something when things don't go the way you want, but it really doesn't help at all. The more I practice acceptance, the less I feel the need to blame. And the more I model that for my children, the less I notice them blaming as well.

It is what it is, and no amount of blame will make it go away, or make it any easier to accept.

My two cents,
L

wanting

Veddy eenteresting thoughts on blame. It never crossed my mine to say that no one is to blame. I only thought, well if I say it's not her fault, she'll think it's his. Shows my mindset. I'm going to think more on this. Thank you VEDDY much!

gowest

I understand how difficult it is to watch the ex be with the new woman EVEN if you don't want the ex at all.

For me, I am not jealous/resentful of the fact that she is with my ex but not crazy about how difficult an already hard situation has been made by throwing another person into the mix before we had resolved what was going on in our own family. Financial issues.

Every once in a while I slip around my daughters and make a less than savory comment about my stbexh girlfriend/fiancee. When I do, I try to clarify and say that I am happy that their dad found a new romantic partner but sometimes things are very complicated and I think it would have been easier for their father and I to get things settled legally/financially with out this all in the mix.

I also say that I am working on trying to accept all the new arrangements and that sometimes it takes time for me to process it all. I apologize if I feel that what I said hurt their feelings or makes their life more complicated.

I have teenage girls who love their Dad and who love me. We don;t talk too much about his girlfriend. My daughters know that all of our feelings are a work in progress.

TakingCharge999

wanting,

When my parents divorced, I was 3, and I was around 4 or 5 when I met his partner.

I still remember being far away from home in a strange apartment with my father and a stranger who did not know how to treat me. Just as I did not know how to treat her. My sister was 7 at that time.

Having my father far away was really tough for me at that age. And it was also tough for my sister.

My therapist told me that is why I have trouble expressing my anger as I felt angry and sad when I still did not even know the words to name those feelings.

Seeing him with some woman added more pain to an already confused mind.

I wish my father have had some sense in that we were experiencing no longer having him home and we needed his attention 100%. We were little.

Our ways to rationalize and cope with things at 30, 40 is totally different from what a kid realizes about the environment. If as adults it is hard to cope with these changes, imagine what it is like for a kid.

22 years later more or less, I feel more at ease with everything but no, I am not "friends" with his partner. I am civil and grateful he makes my dad happy but that's it. My sister and her cannot stand each other to this day.

Now my resentment goes towards my dad because even when we request time alone with him, he has to ask "permission" and it can only be half an hour or an hour tops... otherwise her wife gets jealous. How pathetic is that?

I find it cruel to have your kids meet a new partner. If I had limited time with my kids after a divorce I would be spending lots of time ALONE with them...

So, while having good feelings, no guilt or resentments, etc etc is very healthy and how I would love it to be like and what we are all striving for...

In my own experience, seeing my father with the partner right away was a totally unnecessary pain being so young. Too sudden a change. And very easy for 2 young girls to conclude their father had replaced them and their mother and did not love them anymore.

If I were in your shoes I would also try to stipulate legally that visitations should be without any partners at least for some time. Of course that may not be possible. But I would also be worried about my kids coping with too many things at once. And I would feel bad about myself if I did not even try.


Sending you light and hope ((wanting)) after all, it will come down to what can be done legally, etc, so even if they have to meet her right away or whatever... trust your kids will be strong and in time they will come to grips with this difficult situation, and whatever else life throws their way.

wanting

I am so conflicted. I am in tears after reading your post, TC. I am truly sorry for your pain.

naive

gee wanting-

that's a really tough spot. it's like rubbing salt into a wound really.

here's a different perspective. when i met my xABF, he had two kids to his previous partner. she had run off with the children and he had no idea where they were. we worked together for a year and tracked them down in another country and had his visitation re-established in the courts of that country.

when it came time to establish the conditions, one of her conditions was that i was not allowed to see the children. mind you, she had left him years prior and had never met me.

me and xABF discussed this and we agreed to her terms. i would not see the children.

this made things very difficult, as since they were far away, we would probably have travelled together when he had visitation. as a result of this restriction, he always had to go alone. also, it meant that when they were here, i couldn't be around at all.

from my perspective, i felt it was unfair as i was part of his life, his partner. we had been living together for years. what does it mean if i can't be there when he has the kids? it meant i had to leave my home or it meant he travelled alone.

not exactly the same situation but just giving you a different perspective.

good luck. i was cheated on also and its still in my head. i have negative feelings towards this woman. she was my friend also. i still have black feelings when i think of her. it's not easy to forgive but i am trying, with god's help.

naive

TakingCharge999

Well even if it was tough, that was better than my dad staying, if he was not happy. He would have made our lives miserable...

Wanting even if you do not choose "the best thing" all the time or cant protect your kids when they are not with you.......

In time your kids will realize who is who and will make their own conclusions..... they will realize who was always there for them, who celebrated their achievements and hugged them after a bad experience, who always had their interests in mind, who conforted them after the first heartache, who clapped the most when they received their University diploma, who cried with joy when they got married...

My mom took us to a child psychologist... and it helped... perhaps the idea can be considered? hopefully your kids are much more astute and learn their lessons in less than the decades it has taken me and are still taking LOL

Don't be so tough with yourself, it is obvious you love them very much and remember the bond you have with them can't be taken away by anyone else.

:ghug3

naive's view got me thinking too, perhaps it can be settled he is alone for the first few months or the first year? I would think that is reasonable for everyone involved but again this is just my opinion.

Sending you good vibes!! sorry I did not mean to make you more sad !!

Jazzman

When it comes to what's best for the kids taking the high road is never wrong, not always the easiest, but never the wrong thing to do. Even in it's not appreciated until years down the road, your kids will be better for it. Not an easy situation to be sure. She will be part of their lives now, handle it with class and that's what your kids will learn from you.