ncgirl

I have been reading these threads for several years. I changed my name because of concern that my exhusband will search my name. One month ago, I ended a 5 year relationship with my bf who is a ch and alcoholic. He managed to stay clean for 6 months, with a promise that he was "done". He had never made that promise before because he recognizes that he is an addict and alcoholic.
Says AA/NA does not "work" for him etc. I don't want to spend this post talking about him. I learned he had picked up because my gut told me so. I went to his apt and found him using, which he could not deny. Asked for my keys, asked him not to come to my house or to contact me. Heard from him about 10 days later via email, asking me to come over etc. I was not in the State, so it was easy.
His parents called me Friday night to tell me that had not heard from him in a month and would I go there to "check on him". I said no. I did not want to find him dead, high, drunk etc. His parents called his ex wife and she went there and he called me, so I know he is alive.
I have been in Alanon 12 years. Lots of codie, family of origin work, and I understand my "issues". I have finally lost all hope, and accept him for who he is. The clean person, rears his head every so often, but that cannot be a hook for me, because he is high/drunk more than clean. And he has no program, which means sobriety is an illusion.
I wanted to check in to introduce myself. NC does not mean "North Carolina". It means "No contact". I have a lot of support where I live, with a sponsor and friends but you guys understand more than anyone. I have my moments where I really, really miss him, but then I am able to dissect what it is I miss, and him using and drinking is not something I miss. I felt that every moment he was clean was one moment closer to using for him, because he has never been able to sustain being clean/sober for any significant length of time. I am moving on, but an aware enough of my desire to do stupid things, like get in the car to "see him", that I am posting for support. I share my son with my ex and there is time when my son is not with me, which is when I am prone to contact or attempt to contact my ex chbf. I am so glad to be posting.
NC Girl

rayofsunshine

Glad you are here posting, as well! There is so much strength here among people
who understand what we're going through.

Sending (((HUGS))). Even through your recovery is shining... I know it's still not easy.

ncgirl

Sitting here at work, feeling that old churning feeling, the one you know, right in the gut. Have not heard from the ch a bf, and know he is isolating and hurting. I also know he has choices, as do I. I made my choice when he picked up again, that I was "done". Waiting for my body to connect with my brain. I have mostly "good" days, but nights are tough. I am missing the clean man, who managed to stay clean for 6 mos with no program. He was on meds (Lamictal and Topamax) which always work at keeping him from swinging, for a period of time. Doing lots of reading of Mellody Beattie, Language of Letting Go, and using my Alanon Sponsor. so, I am "doing" the "right things", but I still want to pick up the phone and leave a message, since he is not answering, or ride up the hill to where he is. I am not going to do it, but that does not mean my gut does not clench in anticipation of seeing him. It makes me so aware of my addiction to him. I wrote out all the bad occurrences that happened in the past 5 years. It took 2 pages. I did not write down any of the "good". I am concerned because my son is with his dad for the next 10 days and when I am alone, I have made contact with him in the past. I really think I will be OK, but there is a shred of doubt lurking there. Since I am being honest, I also want him to show up at my house, but that would mean he was desparate and usually means a request for money,which I am quite good at denying. Money was also my role in the relationship. I sent him to rehab twice, including a three week stay in an inhouse Psych Facility for PTSD, all of which he did and did the work. Just never did the follow up counseling that was highly recommended. I have been clinging to these boards the past few months, because I knew his using was right around the corner, and I knew the boundary that I set, which was if you pick up again, I am done. He had promised not to pick up, which he never did in his life because he is quite honest about being an addict/alcoholic. He thought he was "done", but apparently not. I have to be true to myself because I want a relationship with a man, not with a child who is over dependent on me and his mother, and who refuses to work any kind of program. As I write this, the churning feeling is going away, so thank you all for being there for me.

nc girl

rayofsunshine

When you feel the urge to contact him, come here and read instead. Once my AH left, I had withdrawals from him also, as he was my drug of choice. It gets better with time, not overnight, though. Just learn to do other things when the urge to contact him arises. Go out with friends, shopping, to the movies, etc.
anything fun to fill your time and keep your mind off of him.

You are doing well... keep reading and posting!

(((HUGSS)))

sailorjohn

Welcome!!!

Love that!

Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.

teke

just wanted to chime in to welcome you/ glad you posted, keep it up. sounds like you are well on your way to a better place even though at times, it may not be so easy. i agree, do something fun, keep the focus on you. you are in my prayers.

lightseeker

welcome! At first I did think that you were a carolina girl but even better is the no contact girl. You are an inspiration. I LOVE what you said about waiting for your body to catch up with your brain. It's that disconnect that screws a lot of us up. I'm glad that you have 12 years of Alanon because all of that hard work sounds like it has taught you that waiting (although difficult) will eventually get you to where you need to be. There are real neurochemicals that you are having to resist.

I wish that I had had the strength to do what you are doing right now but I didn't have the self awareness or recovery to do it at the time. I'm glad that you are sharing with us and I know that you are helping others by doing so.

Keep posting....it helps to get through the detox!

sojourner

Hi NCgirl. Ditto what everybody else has said.

While you are waiting for your body to catch up with your brain, come here and write down what's going on with you. Let us be where your energy gets dissipated until you feel that urge to contact him has gone away.

With 12 years in Alanon, could you also do some service work to take up some of your extra time and energy??

Keep coming back - it works if you work it, and you're worth it!

ncgirl

I am so glad you all wrote to me. Don't confuse me with being "recovered" just because I have 12 years of Alanon. I am sick as the best of you!!

NC girl

Wolfchild

welcome again to SR.

rayofsunshine

You're right... recovery is a "work in progress". I've been working on "me" for over 3 years now and I'm still learning. We're not where we want to be but Thank God we're not where we used to be!!!