PHIZ007

Hi there everyone.

I have been here a while ( a few years infact!) and this is my story that I would now like to share. I have just turned 40 and am the mother of three beautiful children a boy age 8, and two little girls 5 and 2 and I feel so lucky to have my babies. They are all so different unique and beautiful.

I have been with my husband for ten years and moved from the Uk to Australia to be with him...leaving my friends and my family behind to start a new life with my new love (back in 1999). I love my husband very much...as many of us do - BUT he is an alcoholic and I am now realising that I can no longer live with the chaos that his addiction brings to our household. I have three beautiful little people that rely on me to give them the best chance in life - and that is what I must do, I am slowly detaching and making plans for the betterment of our family. If he chooses to help himself then maybe there is hope.....I see no hope for us as a married couple the way it is. I have also learnt in these last few tough years that

I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I sure as hell can't cure it! That is up to him.....what I can do is work on myself which I am doing.....I read and read and read here and I have learnt so so much and I find the support on this board totally amazing. Sometimes I do get caught back up in the chaos and manipulation........but then I continue on my journey.

Looking back now..... alcohol was a problem early on when we bought our first baby home from Hospital at four days old......the first thing hubby did was go out the back for a smoke and a beer. I sat in looking at my beautiful baby! wondering why?!....we both used to drink socially when we first met......I grew out of it I guess....he just continues...........everynight infact! He doesn't hide it (yet) just drinks his two bottles of wine a night right in front of me! I don't go looking for the bottles either (gave up on that years ago!) he just leaves them there for all to see! he also suffers major depression which in itself is difficult as a spouse as I am sure many of you know......but of course the alcohol doesn't help atall! He never eats dinner with us as a family......can't eat till he has had his fill! Then once I have gone to bed he eates (or doesn;t eat depending how drunk he is I guess)...then leaves the kitchen in a chaotic mess for me to see when I get up in the morning. I used to actually clear it up (I know I know! mad eh?!).....so when he got up it was all nice and tidy and he didn't need to accept any responsibiltiy for his actions....these days I leave it exactly as I find it.....I am getting better at not going in to a mad fit with him about it too - and gee doesn't that take practice!!?? and I keep reminding myself of the three c's.......Cause.....Control...Cure.....

Every night he drinks himself into a drunken mess.......talks crap by 8pm and usually by 9pm he has totally shut down or he is up for giving me verbal abuse!! the verbal abuse and mood swings are definately getting worse......he was seeing a physcologyst a couple of years ago (as we both were...and this was definatly helping but once the Physc told him what he thought...ie he was an alcoholic....hubby no longer went back to him as the physc was on my side!......(wheres the logic?!...Oh I forgot there isn't any is there....we are dealing with alcoholism here aren't we!) Excuse my sarcasim but many of you will know where I am coming from.

I have three beautiful little people to look after here and I am making plans......it will take me a while to get organised but I am definatly on the road.

Some days I feel like I have come an incredibly long way only to take 100 steps back almost overnight!....but I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep reading here and educating myself and getting the strength I need to do whats best for myself and my babies. Sometimes I feel totally overwhelmed by the journey ahead, I am not afriad of being on my own.....I am just maybe a bit afraid of how I am going to get there.

I love him very much however watching him self distruct on a nightly basis isn't what I want for myself or for my babies.....I haven't gone to alanon yet....I am still working on building up the courage to go....I love him very much but can no longer live with the chaos and loneliness his alcoholism brings to our home. My children and I deserve so much better.......

Thank you for reading and "listening" to my waffle!!.....This is the first time I have felt ready to post more about myself. Phiz

bookwyrm

Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you find your courage soon. My STBXAH also dished out the verbal abuse and it escalated pretty quickly. I had no idea what I'd be going home to - work became my sanctuary. I didn't deserve it and neither do you or your kids!

You can do this - I'm on the other side and the peace and quiet here is wonderful!
:ghug2

Jadmack25

Dear Phiz, thank you for your post. It is so hard to be "a family" when one member, is out of the picture most of the time, or causing pain when he is involved. Your detaching may sound silly to some, as your AH has been "detached" for so long, and that is part of your problem. Really tho, your AH didn't choose to detach to save his sanity, he was more seduced away by alcohol, which is the ultimate clinging mistress. It NEVER lets go of it's victim without a dirty and drawn out fight, and often it wins no matter what the partner or family do.

Your priority as you say, is your young children's happiness and well being, and you need to be healthy and sane to be both mum and dad to them. Hence, you detaching from the futilities that come from a drinking spouse. It is a very hard road, and a very lonely one for you, and being so far from your family in the UK makes it doubly hard.

As he seems unwilling for counselling etc, it is left to you to do what YOU feel you need to do for you and your kids, to make your lives as good as possible.
Alanon is a great learning and support tool, as is coming here to SR, as you have folk who have worn the same shoes you are in, and can empathise, understand and give you someideas that worked, or didn't work, for them.

I wish you strength, wisdom and courage and all the best.

God bless

naive

hi phiz-

for myself, making the decision to separate was the hardest part. i kept waiting for him to come to his senses. i kept sharing information about alcoholism and its cure with my xABF, thinking surely, he'll recognize that something needs to be done.

however, the longer i waited, the worse things got.

it sounds as if you have made up your mind, so at least that struggle is behind you.

so, what's the plan? will you be remaining in australia or returning to the uk? i'm in the uk and as you know, there are lots of resources here for single mums.

take care,
naive

Pelican

:ghug3

Hi Phiz! Nice to meet you.

Thank you for taking the time to share your story with us. I hope you will continue to share your experience, strength and hope with us.

Make yourself at home!

peaceteach

So proud of you for finding your courage, Phiz. Those babies are lucky to have you as a mom. One line you spoke rang true with me (well, many actually!) and that was how incredibly LONELY I was married to an alcoholic. I was more lonely married to him than I was after my divorce. What a soul-killing time that is for a mother, to want to share the bliss of raising children with someone who really isn't there or doesn't care.

Good luck, sweetie.

Thumper

peaceteach said it well. I'm glad you shared your story as mine is very similar.

Cowgirl1265

Thank you so much for sharing, Phiz. It strikes me that we all come along our path in different ways. You sound very grounded, very strong, and well on your way to serenity, I am glad you posted today.

PHIZ007

Thank you so much everyone......reading your replies has also made me realise that although the road ahead is long.....the road behind has also been and I have made progress and come along way!...baby steps.....but progress all the same...

Phiz

PHIZ007

An interesting thing has happened in the last few days!.......and I have some real Hope!....

My husband went back to his Physcologist (who specialises in alcohol addiction).....not because I begged and pleaded and bullied him to go.......BUT BECAUSE HE HAS DECIDED TO GO BACK AS HE NEEDS HELP WITH HIS ALCOHOLISM!.......All I can say is WOW! I am so proud of him........I also know he has a very long road ahead (and I do too!)...I am also not niave enough to belive we will definatly be able to do this under the same roof.....but the fact "he" actually went because "he" wants help in itself is a huge step in the right direction.......I am going to continue working hard on myself "hope' has a good feel about it though and for today I am glad of that.

One day at a time........Phiz

PHIZ007

Just re read this post from a few years ago......my first post!....well holy smoke its the same old story.....

Nothing changes if nothing changes.....the only difference now is that in that post I had just turned 40 and I am now almost 43........time to take that next step.....

Bless us all - take care Phiz

Learn2Live

Looks like there was a sliver of hope when he went to the psych that turned out to be nothing.

Cut your losses and move on Phiz. He is never going to change.