Have you felt this way?

Old 11-02-2009, 08:11 PM
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Have you felt this way?

I am getting divorced from my AH. After 3 rehabs, lying, quack, quack, quack, Alanon, counseling, etc..I finally see the end of the chaos road. We have 2 small children. I see that asking my husband to leave was really the best choice - he even admits that this was the first time for consequences, and he seems to be serious about his program. I really just want him to be healthy and a great dad. He claims to have been sober for 10 months, but as I don't believe anything anymore, I don't know if that is true. He clearly is doing well and putting his life together. I am overall happier, and my children have a better relationship with Dad than the active alcoholism days. I see that he manipulates me - even now - but I (usually) can just accept it for what it is. I'm not sure he even realizes when he manipulates. I also hear the victim language, but it isn't making me crazy. I don't feel as much anger (at least today).

However, the sadness has all of the sudden hit me like a wall of bricks. I miss my old friend - or maybe I miss my friend fantasy. I am full of grief. I am sad that mom and dad don't live in the same house. I am sad that we will not grow old together. I am questioning myself - doubting myself. Was it really that bad - well, yes, during the drinking days.

However, at the same time, I don't want to live with him again. I can't go through the detox, rehab, recovery cycle again. I don't want my kids to be smack in the middle or take that chance. However, at the same time, I miss him. I keep crying - it just hits me like a wave. I just feel such sadness. I used to feel anger and frustration, confusion, but now I am just sad. I long for the "good old days" (less alcohol).

Has anyone else felt this way?
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Old 11-02-2009, 08:42 PM
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Yes! I remember when I found a "treasure" at a garage sale and no one would understand what a find it was but him. The sadness I felt at that moment was huge. There was no one in my life who could understand but him. And I couldn't share it with him because we were estranged at the time.

The thing is, all the people in our lives have balance sheets. The debits and the credits. The pros and the cons. If they were all negative, we would never have given them a second look, much less spent part of our lives with them.

For me, it came down to the cons outweighing the pros. I couldn't sacrifice myself any more just for some, few and far between, good times. I have now gotten to a place where I am grateful for what we had, even though it didn't last forever like I wanted it to. I can fondly remember the good times without wishing for a different outcome. It was what it was, and a necessary part of my journey. But I have traveled that road already. I am on a new road now. And I am looking forward to the new memories yet to be created. What an adventure this thing called life is!

L
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Old 11-02-2009, 09:19 PM
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I think LTD put it beautifully (as usual )

I want to offer you support and (((hugs))) I understand.
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Old 11-02-2009, 11:40 PM
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Originally Posted by Daisy30 View Post
I think LTD put it beautifully (as usual )

I want to offer you support and (((hugs))) I understand.
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Old 11-03-2009, 06:13 AM
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Hi tired spouse, I feel that way right now. I have good days and bad days. My AH and I have been separated for over a month now. I keep telling myself that one day the pain and sadness will pass, hopefully!! I just keep reading, reading and reading. I try to keep myself and the kids busy and watch movies that make us laugh. Laughter really is the best medicine. I cry randomly too, grocery shopping, at work, doing the dishes, it's terrible. I also keep telling myself - He is not crying over you Kell', so stop it right now. Sometimes that helps. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in your sadness.

take care,

Kell'
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Old 11-03-2009, 06:37 AM
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You are not alone. I feel that way as well even after all the horrible things my exah did that weren't alcohol related. The lying, cheating, etc. were hard to get past. I still feel that sadness for me and my children. The loss of the dream of what you wanted your life to be like is not easy. I guess we need to readjust those dreams into our new life.
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Old 11-03-2009, 07:08 AM
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Originally Posted by tiredspouse View Post
I am getting divorced from my AH. After 3 rehabs, lying, quack, quack, quack, Alanon, counseling, etc..I finally see the end of the chaos road. We have 2 small children. I see that asking my husband to leave was really the best choice - he even admits that this was the first time for consequences, and he seems to be serious about his program. I really just want him to be healthy and a great dad. He claims to have been sober for 10 months, but as I don't believe anything anymore, I don't know if that is true. He clearly is doing well and putting his life together. I am overall happier, and my children have a better relationship with Dad than the active alcoholism days. I see that he manipulates me - even now - but I (usually) can just accept it for what it is. I'm not sure he even realizes when he manipulates. I also hear the victim language, but it isn't making me crazy. I don't feel as much anger (at least today).

However, the sadness has all of the sudden hit me like a wall of bricks. I miss my old friend - or maybe I miss my friend fantasy. I am full of grief. I am sad that mom and dad don't live in the same house. I am sad that we will not grow old together. I am questioning myself - doubting myself. Was it really that bad - well, yes, during the drinking days.

However, at the same time, I don't want to live with him again. I can't go through the detox, rehab, recovery cycle again. I don't want my kids to be smack in the middle or take that chance. However, at the same time, I miss him. I keep crying - it just hits me like a wave. I just feel such sadness. I used to feel anger and frustration, confusion, but now I am just sad. I long for the "good old days" (less alcohol).

Has anyone else felt this way?
I hope you don't mind my being harsh here.

When you live with an alcoholic or you are a victem of domestic abuse, you cling on to the memories of the man you fell in love with. You remember the person as they were when you first met and every day, you pray and hope that you will see a glimmer of that old person you loved. You pray that one day they will recover and come back to you as they were. The truth is, they don't. In the alcohol or domestic violence, they lose themselves. They can not find themselves again so how are you suppossed to? You have done the right thing in giving your children a life without seeing the misery you bith went through. The sudden sadness you are feeling is grief just as if he had died. In a way, it is a death because the man you fell in love with is gone for-ever and you know that you can never bring him back. Your sadness is also a feeling that you have failed in your marraige and that is natural but look upon it as a sign of strength that you had the courage to end it. When you get sad days, try to remember your worst days with him, the uncertainty, the misery and the worry. Then look to how your feeling now. you should feel free of worry, happier and more secure. keep these thoughts positive and you will soon see life infront of you for the better. I wish you all the best.
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Old 11-03-2009, 08:30 AM
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GREAT post. That is the hardest thing for me as I prepare to divorce my AW. You just so badly want to see the person they used to be all those long years ago. That to me is what is so hard. Seeing this person become what they are now and in a way it is as if they have died.

That right there is the heart wrenching part of this disease, seeing the person you loved taken over completely and never going back.
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Old 11-03-2009, 02:48 PM
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I can sooooo understand the conflicting feelings of ending a relationship with XAB. I got out a year ago and the grieving process has been difficult; I too think grieving a death would be easier though perhaps I am wrong to say that - no offence meant. You are right when u say that sometimes it seems like HE is the only person who would understand something, or that you can miss the good times so much. Truthfully though, there was so much misery in my relationship due to alcoholism; we both needed to stop drinking and get help. Unfortunately only I did. This illness destroys people; it takes their lives and then it kills them. It destroys families; it has all but destroyed me. But I am living one day at a time and I do know that I made the right decision to end it, even if it is painful at times still. I feel better than I used to anyhow, and my ex has a new girlfriend. That was a terrible time when I found that out. I think until that point I had held out a hope that he might 'see the light' and seek help! Alcohol hasn't finished with him yet though. Anyhow I am doing the best I can to bring up my children and get on with my life and hopefully I will one day have a good and healthy relationship with a good and healthy man when I am good and healthy myself. With love and encouragement xxx
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Old 11-03-2009, 03:07 PM
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Hi
I still sit there and feel such a great loss after all this time. It is my sister I am thinking about though, no longer there, no longer in my life because I made a choice to let her go. I can still remember (the good old days with her) laughing and doing things together with our children and feel such emptiness when I see how it has all affected our family. Her children are still angry with her (for not being there) and I dont know if they will ever understand her addiction. But for now I will keep having faith that one day she may want to live her life again.
If only she would believe (we will all still be there - when she wakes up, even after all this time). I know things will never be the same because of her addiction - but I believe in second chances, dont you? I believe too that she has a choice to live or die, its a matter of what she chooses in the end.
The thought of her dying brings such fear to me, but I will know that I had no control over it.
Jo
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Old 11-03-2009, 03:41 PM
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I just can't thank all of you enough. I wish I could give you each a big hug! Thank you for the support. Sunnyvols, he told me to stop referring to the house as "home" ("I'll meet you at home"), because this was too painful for him. I related to so much of so many of the replies, it is almost scary.
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