I left. Now what?

Old 11-02-2009, 09:45 AM
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I left. Now what?

This week-end was my move out of our apartment and into my parents' home. It was the quickest move I'd ever done: loaded up two mini-vans, travelled, unloaded them, all in 1 hour 15 minutes. Needless to say I didn't take much with me.

He hadn't come home the night before, just so he wouldn't be there to face my family. He did however leave his son there to witness it all, and when I left, my stepson was alone in the somewhat empty apartment. Ugh. How horrid.

The rest of the week-end was ok. He called or texted SEVERAL times, all for silly little details: "you took the dish cabinet and said you wouldn't", "you gave my son a phone number, what is it?" "You were supposed to buy cat litter before leaving" "There a letter from the government that came for you"...blah blah blah. All unnecessary and pointless. It felt good to ignore the calls or the texts. It wasn't long but I did get to REST a little bit.

I saw a lawyer this morning and decided to hire her. I'm planning a two-fold strategy: 1) attempt to hammer out an agreement with him in mediation, which is mandatory anyhow before going before the court 2) begin legal proceedings right away to have the divorce, custody and child support settled ASAP. I feel good about this approach because I really don't trust STBX and his reactions, so I want to be ready to serve him with legal proceedings should things get out of hand (i.e. should he just go pick up my daughter at daycare).

Aside from that...I feel a little lost. Breathless. Tired. The move is over and I'm out of there, but now what?

He continues to email me at work regarding various things, making little veiled threats about doing whatever he wants regarding our daughter.

I'm just so tired of this man, of what he's done to me and to my family. I see my parents suffer and it hurts me to know that I indirectly did this to them.

I don't know what's next. I'm just so tired.
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Old 11-02-2009, 10:00 AM
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I'm so proud of you. Take care of yourself...
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Old 11-02-2009, 10:06 AM
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Amazing! Beautiful! You did it! After you get some rest, your path will become clear.

And just like those labor pains when you gave birth to you daughter, this move will give you the freedom and space you need to start a new life.

(Try to lose the guilt though. It'll eat your soul.)

Congratulations!
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Old 11-02-2009, 11:39 AM
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I don't know what's next. I'm just so tired.

Well first things first: get some rest!

I think you've "done" enough for a few days ;-)

And it sounds like you've got a good plan set up to tackle the legal stuff.

Slowly this weight and these clouds will lift and you will be so glad to be free.

Easy does it!

peace-
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Old 11-02-2009, 02:39 PM
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Now what? You turn off your phone (or at least change his caller ID name to "DO NOT ANSWER THIS") and take a hot soaking bath in a quiet peaceful household and you breathe. Repeat daily. You'll know what to do...and if not, you have your friends here at SR to help.

Congratulations on the start of a new life!!
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Old 11-02-2009, 03:05 PM
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First...change your screen name because you rock! Congratulations on making such a big step. I'm going to re-read your post over and over and hopefully it will guide me in the same path.

Relax and enjoy some time for you. I hope you've already given yourself a great big pat on the back!
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Old 11-02-2009, 03:07 PM
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fantastic that you are out!

if you're like me, it will take some time to adjusting to drama-free life in a normal household.

i agree with everyone here. your plan sounds good. take some time to rest and decompress and enjoy your daughter and parents.
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Old 11-02-2009, 03:18 PM
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Good for you and I think you have a sound legal plan. As for what's next.. well there's the winter holidays that are always fun, then spring which is always great. How about starting on a rough draft medium term plan to get back out on your own again, that will make you feel good. And get your head in a good place so you don't pick another looser, (no disrespect intended, I have a broken picker and speak from experience).

You remind me of myself. I was such a planner. Had to have a short term, medium term and long term plan. Going through something like this makes you realize there's really nothing wrong with several back to back short term plans... LOL!!
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Old 11-02-2009, 04:06 PM
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Great job! So proud of you. You have the rest of your life ahead of you to decide what to do next.

For today, just breathe.
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Old 11-02-2009, 06:55 PM
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Bravo!!!

When I was at the same point in my separation with my XABF, I felt like I was jumping from rock to rock dutifully completing the next step in my master plan but all the while feeling like I was just about to fall head first into The Bog of Eternal Stench....Ugh!

I took the loving support and experience of those here and I made a concerted effort to not overlook my basic needs. I made sure to eat well and often. I tried to keep good sleep habits and took naps when needed. I also made sure to connect with others without discussing my issues. Holding someone else's hand and listening to their worries put my own in perspective and I felt needed.

You asked what's next. For me it was learning how to take care of myself from day to day. Even with working my recovery, I did not see how much time, both on the clock and in my head, I had devoted to my XABF. Without him there, I floundered a bit trying to fill my own thoughts and activities. I made a list of daily things to work on, books to read, shows to watch etc. It helped to keep me busy when I might otherwise become unfocused and fixate on thoughts of him.

You are on the right track! You can do this!!

Alice
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Old 11-03-2009, 03:12 AM
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First........... Breath in the peace and quiet.
Second........CHANGE that name, it is NOT who you are now or who you want to be.
Give yourself a name that will inspire you whenever you post here.
Third...........Imagine your AH as a duck, let him quack and think to yourself "you are not that important to me anymore".

I wish you and your daughter all the blessing you need.

God bless
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Old 11-03-2009, 05:10 AM
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Blessings of peace and joy to you, your daughter, and your folks.

Hugs, HG
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Old 11-03-2009, 06:37 AM
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Thank you to all who responded for your much needed love and support. I have really come to rely on SR to guide my path and as a sounding board for my thoughts/actions.

I know someone told me who to PM for a name change, but I can't for the life of me remember who it was or how to find the post with the information. Can someone repost the info for me please?

As for a long term plan, right now, all I've got is
a) start repaying the debts XH accumulated in MY name
b) try to get my daughter adjusted to her new environment.
c) get the legal proceedings and mediation under way as fast as possible
d) uuuhhhh, take it easy?
e) do my very darn best to ignore all the quacking that comes my way

I don't feel ready to even think about moving out on my own. Getting through the evenings with my daughter is just about all I can take. Thank goodness my parents are there to help me care for her. She's regressed on the nightweaning front and wakes often to cry in the middle of the night. I wish I could nap and rest but sleep is hard to come by with a needy insecure baby.

Aside from that, I've been writing down all the "stories" my X told me in the hopes of someday making a little money by selling my book "I married a schizophrenic alcoholic".

Jadmack...the duck imagery is coming in VERY handy these days.
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Old 11-03-2009, 08:16 AM
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isn't it great when you finally see the quacking for what it is?

when it doesn't pull you in any longer?

when you find yourself thinking of other things while they quack on?

when they realize it's not working and suddenly they shift tactics and try mr. nice guy?

when that doesn't work and then they start with the threats?

when the phone rings, you don't answer it and you actually don't care what they called to say?
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Old 11-03-2009, 11:23 AM
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Immovingforward - I'll just start calling you something new. Well done! A big step.

I think with a few days of rest, a clearer head, and a little help from your Higher Power, you will take that second big step into this next positive phase of your life.
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Old 11-03-2009, 11:31 AM
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Boy, those nursing babies can be so tuned in to mom's emotions!! It's amazing.

Hang in there - just love that baby all up....things will fall into place in time!
(((hugs)))
b
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Old 11-03-2009, 05:25 PM
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I think if you PM'ed Mike (Desert Eyes) he would help you make the name change. We all knew you weren't an idiot, by the way....
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