Ultimatum is backfiring on me...
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Fresno, CA
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Ultimatum is backfiring on me...
Just a little background...been married 10+ years to a functioning alcoholic, 2 kids (old enough to know that dad drinks too much), and basically we have a great life except for the alcoholism thing...
Over the weekend, my 7 year old told me that dad drank "two of those little bottles" before driving them to dinner. I have never asked my kids if dad has been drinking, I don't know why. Maybe because it would force me to accept something that I have always known (that he drinks and drives with them in the car). Maybe because I don't want to make them feel bad for telling on their dad. He drinks every day on the way home from work, hides it from me as best he can, but has admitted that he drinks more than I suspect. So anyway, I had no other choice but to give him the big ultimatum. I was and still am prepared to follow through. He, of course, choose to leave rather than quit, said he couldn't promise me that he would stop drinking, but he could promise to leave.
My problem now is that he said he's considering renting a house nearby (we live in a small foothill community, away from town where we both work), so he can be close for the kids. Well the whole freaking point of him leaving is because he's putting the kids in danger. I love him and am genuinely sick of being the wife of an alcoholic, but at least with him here I can supervise to a point and we can share the good times that we do have. I work nights and will have to totally change my life to accomodate the lack of a co-parent in the house, which probably means a pay cut. Of course, all of this I can deal with, even though it breaks my heart. The point is, so he leaves, but then will have the kids at another house, being soley responsible for them. This subject came up and he said that I can't keep them from him, so what's the point of having him leave?
Any comments? I dont want this to be ugly, honestly we are past all that. There are a multitude of lies that are typical of an alcoholic, but no denial of the problem or the magnitude. It's all on the table. He refuses an in patient rehab because of his job and the fact that he doesn't think that would stop him. He wants to quit (someday), but has no confidence in his abiliity. ERRRRRR, this is really killing me, I need some advice from someone who has been there....
Over the weekend, my 7 year old told me that dad drank "two of those little bottles" before driving them to dinner. I have never asked my kids if dad has been drinking, I don't know why. Maybe because it would force me to accept something that I have always known (that he drinks and drives with them in the car). Maybe because I don't want to make them feel bad for telling on their dad. He drinks every day on the way home from work, hides it from me as best he can, but has admitted that he drinks more than I suspect. So anyway, I had no other choice but to give him the big ultimatum. I was and still am prepared to follow through. He, of course, choose to leave rather than quit, said he couldn't promise me that he would stop drinking, but he could promise to leave.
My problem now is that he said he's considering renting a house nearby (we live in a small foothill community, away from town where we both work), so he can be close for the kids. Well the whole freaking point of him leaving is because he's putting the kids in danger. I love him and am genuinely sick of being the wife of an alcoholic, but at least with him here I can supervise to a point and we can share the good times that we do have. I work nights and will have to totally change my life to accomodate the lack of a co-parent in the house, which probably means a pay cut. Of course, all of this I can deal with, even though it breaks my heart. The point is, so he leaves, but then will have the kids at another house, being soley responsible for them. This subject came up and he said that I can't keep them from him, so what's the point of having him leave?
Any comments? I dont want this to be ugly, honestly we are past all that. There are a multitude of lies that are typical of an alcoholic, but no denial of the problem or the magnitude. It's all on the table. He refuses an in patient rehab because of his job and the fact that he doesn't think that would stop him. He wants to quit (someday), but has no confidence in his abiliity. ERRRRRR, this is really killing me, I need some advice from someone who has been there....
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The safety of the children is paramount. You must do whatever you have to do to keep them safe. Whether he is living with you or not, he cannot be allowed to put them in danger. It sounds like he has been drinking and driving with them even when you were "supervising" him. You cannot control what he does, you can only take the children out of harm's way. I understand not wanting the separation to be "ugly," but if that is what it takes to protect the children, then that is what it takes.
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you are the adult. It is your responsibility to protect your children. Drinking and driving is illegal, let alone with children in the vehicle. You have every right to keep them from him if he is breaking the law and endangering their lives.
L
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you are the adult. It is your responsibility to protect your children. Drinking and driving is illegal, let alone with children in the vehicle. You have every right to keep them from him if he is breaking the law and endangering their lives.
L
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Someplace USA
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Not sure I can help. But if I thought he was driving drunk and my kids where going to be in the car I would let the cops know (without leaving my name of course) about some guy and give his plate number who regularly drives drunk and they should keep an eye out for him. Let him get a DUI and then with some paperwork at least it starts a case for you to protect your kids.
Otherwise the judge acts like you lived with the guy with your kids and never turned him in; he can't be that bad... I had that happen with my first husband. He even baught drugs with the kids in the car. But I never called the cops; so he was allowed to have them. I even told the judge that I had been there to protect them in the house and the judge told me that without a paper trail it ment nothing. It was awful. Luckily he left the state to get out of child-support.
Otherwise the judge acts like you lived with the guy with your kids and never turned him in; he can't be that bad... I had that happen with my first husband. He even baught drugs with the kids in the car. But I never called the cops; so he was allowed to have them. I even told the judge that I had been there to protect them in the house and the judge told me that without a paper trail it ment nothing. It was awful. Luckily he left the state to get out of child-support.
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Obviously their safety is the most important thing and obviously he has been driving with them even when I'm at home. I guess my problem is that it isn't going to be an easy thing to prove that he is drinking and driving with them unless he gets caught. All around this is just a bad situation that I put my kids in. I guess I know the answer to my question...just hoping for someone else who went through this to share how they dealt with it. I feel like moving as far away as possible and starting over...you know, run away from the problem. Not an easy option. Sorry for sounding like a typical "stupid woman", I just wanted to vent.
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa 
The safety of the children is paramount. You must do whatever you have to do to keep them safe. Whether he is living with you or not, he cannot be allowed to put them in danger. It sounds like he has been drinking and driving with them even when you were "supervising" him. You cannot control what he does, you can only take the children out of harm's way. I understand not wanting the separation to be "ugly," but if that is what it takes to protect the children, then that is what it takes.
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you are the adult. It is your responsibility to protect your children. Drinking and driving is illegal, let alone with children in the vehicle. You have every right to keep them from him if he is breaking the law and endangering their lives.
L
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you are the adult. It is your responsibility to protect your children. Drinking and driving is illegal, let alone with children in the vehicle. You have every right to keep them from him if he is breaking the law and endangering their lives.
L
Do whatever you need to do. I wouldn't let him have visitation with the kids until he is sober. I also would not buy I will not drink when with the kids. He has already proven he cannot do that.
I think so many of us don't put our foot down on this issue to avoid conflict or to not hurt the alcoholics feelings. I couldn't give a hoot about the alcoholics feelings. His choices can have deadly consequences.
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Originally Posted by amp1976
Obviously their safety is the most important thing and obviously he has been driving with them even when I'm at home. I guess my problem is that it isn't going to be an easy thing to prove that he is drinking and driving with them unless he gets caught. All around this is just a bad situation that I put my kids in. I guess I know the answer to my question...just hoping for someone else who went through this to share how they dealt with it. I feel like moving as far away as possible and starting over...you know, run away from the problem. Not an easy option. Sorry for sounding like a typical "stupid woman", I just wanted to vent.
I don't think you are stupid. We do the best we can until we know better, then we do better. I did many things I am not proud of when I was enabling my husband. I cannot change what happened in the past. I can only learn from it and do things differently now.
L
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he's not thinking straight. he's an alcoholic.
you could go and have a conversation at the police station, and tell them what you have told us. perhaps they have some ideas. if he drinks everynight on his way home from work, it should be easy enough.
right now, your kids are safe and sound. what if you delay and something happens?
you could go and have a conversation at the police station, and tell them what you have told us. perhaps they have some ideas. if he drinks everynight on his way home from work, it should be easy enough.
right now, your kids are safe and sound. what if you delay and something happens?
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The "what-ifs" are what has spurred me to actually give him the choice. Talking to the police is a good idea. I'm going back and forth between what I know is right and all of these other things, like "helping" him ruin his career by notifying the police and him getting a dui, like making my kids feel like it's their fault that we split up because the told on their dad, like the inevitable battle this will end up in. God, I know this isn't my fault, I know he can stop if he does the hard work. In the end, I know what I will do and that is protect my kids, but it's just scary.
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Make sure the children know that none of this is their fault. You split up because their father has a problem. Them "telling on him" didn't create the problem. The problem exists whether they say anything about it or not. Keeping secrets is part of the family sickness of alcoholism. As a child, I was taught that keeping the problem a secret means there isn't a problem. It's taken years for me to work through all the damage caused by this attitude.
It's the same with notifying the police. Bringing the problem out into the light of day doesn't create the problem. The problem exists. You didn't CAUSE it, you can't CONTROL it, and you can't CURE it. Keeping it in the dark only allows it to grow.
L
It's the same with notifying the police. Bringing the problem out into the light of day doesn't create the problem. The problem exists. You didn't CAUSE it, you can't CONTROL it, and you can't CURE it. Keeping it in the dark only allows it to grow.
L
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I don't think your stupid. I've just been in the court system that doesn't know what it's like. We think we're protecting the kids by staying. Instead they look at us like it must have been fine or you would have left or called the cops. The system has no idea. And they really don't care. I'm really sorry, with my first husband I just wanted to go underground and never come back. It was really hard.
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my brother is a police officer on the east coast in usa. if you have any general questions, i can ask him. let me know if so.
i am not the child of an alcoholic. perhaps someone who is can give their opinion here...but if i was in your shoes, i would consider illiciting my child's assistance in keeping them safe. i would talk plainly about alcohol and i would instruct them that if daddy is drinking, to refuse to get in a car with him, no matter what. i would tell them to tell daddy "mommy said i can't get in a car with you if you have been drinking."
i hear you when you say that you don't want to damage your children, but if they were mine, i would do anything i could to keep them safe. and in this case, the little one knows enough to tell you himself. kids are smart! i think we do more damage when we pretend that they don't know what is going on.
just my opinion and perhaps i'm off-base. i feel this matter needs to be resolved ASAP as it is too dangerous to permit to continue. i don't know the solution.
i am not the child of an alcoholic. perhaps someone who is can give their opinion here...but if i was in your shoes, i would consider illiciting my child's assistance in keeping them safe. i would talk plainly about alcohol and i would instruct them that if daddy is drinking, to refuse to get in a car with him, no matter what. i would tell them to tell daddy "mommy said i can't get in a car with you if you have been drinking."
i hear you when you say that you don't want to damage your children, but if they were mine, i would do anything i could to keep them safe. and in this case, the little one knows enough to tell you himself. kids are smart! i think we do more damage when we pretend that they don't know what is going on.
just my opinion and perhaps i'm off-base. i feel this matter needs to be resolved ASAP as it is too dangerous to permit to continue. i don't know the solution.
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